Nozzer's inaugural Gay sex.

It's humour not hard burden.

We was down the Flying cavalry sinking a few bevvies. We'd been down the catch looking for a few away supporters to remind them that their team may be better at kicking balls but we was expert at kicking bollocks if you see what I mean.

Nozzer weren't on material body. He kept gasping for breathing space and sweating and that. I figured he been on the curry again, anyway there we was sinking a few Stella's ( Artois ).

I got a round in, It was getting late, folk was leaving."Keep the change,"I says.

"What change you owe another ten Ezra Loomis Pound fifty,"the know it all manager shouts earning himself a good kicking the next dark rainy night.

I paid up, and staggered back to us postpone with nine dry pint and a packet of pork barrel scratchings.

Sandra the barmaid came over to ostentate her tits, she made out she was collecting empties but you could see the ruby in her belly button down her segmentation, could own seen her vajazzle as well if she hadn't put on a bit of exercising weight recently.

"What you do'in'after lads ?"she says,"Only we thought about a lock in if you're up for it ?"

"Don't know,"I says,"Washing me hair maybe, and there's summat good on telly."

"What's that then Chalky ?"Rocket Ron asks.

"There's got to be summat salutary with sixty bloody channels,"I says reasonably.

Nozzer looked at his dry pint. It was odd he usually just settle them."What's up Noz ?"Gasser asks.

"Got a bad gut,"he says.

"Needs a bit of how's yer father to loosen it up."Mikey suggested.

"Needs summat,"Nozzer agreed.

Now poor old Nozzer couldn't hold his beer. Ten dry pint was his lot and even then he wobbled all over the road when he rode his motorbike.



"That's how queers started,"I said,"Some poor bastard couldn't shit so his better half buggered him to loosen it up."

"You offering Chalk ?"Nozzer said.

"No way, but I reckon one of that lot would oblige."I says pointing to the lounge bar where several sharply dressed blokes was sat round. I knew one of them, Peter"Nigel"Mansell

"I'll try anything Chalk,"Nozzer said through a haze of booze fumes,"Anything."

I went into the lounge, They was all there, gay as piece of ass, all sharp courting and that. One had a dress on. Lovely spook of pink, pathos he hadn't had a shave for a week.

I sidled up to, Nigel."Here my married person fancies you,"I says all friendly like like I was chatting up some girl.

"Oh really,"he says,"And who are you, frailty pope Eric or the Prince of whale ?"

"Nah straight up Nige,"I says,"He gets a bit loose tongued when he's pissed, said he dreams about your big manly cock up his arse."

"My what ?"he says.

"Well it used to be commend ?"I said,"When you used to get a hard on in the showers ?"

"Oh,"he said,"fountainhead what did you wait all those slippy well toned masculine dead body just ripe for rogering."

"Anyway old Nozzer fancies batting for your side or at least having a visitation,"I says.

He stared me rightfield in the eye,"And what may I ask, Mr Chalk, is in it for you ?"

"I'll picture it on me telephone set, sell it to Pornhub as Nozzer get's his virgin ass busted,"I offers.

"I want 50 %"says Nige,"When we has the lock chamber in."

"Forty / Sixty"I says.

"No, I'm happy with half,"he says. Sarky sod.

I wanders back to me bottom and Tell Nozzer,"Turns out Nige fancies you so its all set up for lock in."

"Taa Chalky, I owes you one."he says.

ringlet in started around Eleven, Sandra lock and bolted the door, hung her bloomers on the door knob and started selling durex at ten quid a throw before she sat on the billiard tabular array, legs fan out astray and started wanking with a nursing bottle of Newcastle Brown. Newcastle Robert Brown I ask you ! No class that bint, she had evacuate Champagne nursing bottle and Frank Philip Stella, even Coke but no she had to use Newcastle-upon-Tyne Brown. Still it contrasted nicely with her bright pink slit lips.

thing was she had no takers ‘ crusade everyone was watching Nozzer and Nige. Half the blokes had their sound out and the other lot, them what batted for the other incline, had their cocks out wanking.

Nozzer had his trousers down as he bent over the Billiard Table, don't know why he bothered as you could see his ass hole down his bum segmentation when he bent over, but there he was 46"waist Saint Matthew the Apostle and M & S Wye fronts round his mortise joint while Nige hauled his cock out and slipped on a Durex, it were quite a nice tone of Green if I remember rightfulness. He had a justly boner. Mine would have turned inside out and done a Caranx crysos if I had even thought of bumming Nozzer but Nozzer certainly turned Nige on.

Someone splashed some lubricating substance over Nige's cock, I say lube, it might have been gearbox oil or washing up liquid state for all I know.

Then it was down to business, the tip of Nige's glistening, straining green covered phallus eased into Nozzer's puckered virgin asshole.

Nige beamed with the pleasure of the wet porta slowly easing undetermined from the business firm pressure of his rampant member, he pressed relaxed and pressed again, he gripped Nozzer firmly around the waist for to a greater extent leverage and grunted with the effort. Beads of travail broke out on his brow and dripped down onto Nozzers back.

Nozzer's pecker hung down like a shriveled turnip. The turncock in his ass felt skilful, he just wanted it further in.

Nige pulled back for another go, this time he slid in a lot loose, he was enjoying himself, all the way out so the tip almost slipped out, then all the way right back in.

"Oh,"Nige gasped, He worried he was about to cum too quick.

"Orrggg,"Nozzer moaned as he worried he was about to chuck up ten dry pint of Stella and a volaille Vindaloo.

Then it happened, Nige thrust in but something was pushing back. His feet began to slip. His pecker was sliding out instead of in.

"What the ?"he asked rhetorically. It was the clobber of nightmare. Hs cock was being unceremoniously shoved out of Nozzer's arse by the dreaded shit python.

"For fucks sake !"Nige squealed as he recoiled, tripped over his bloomers and landed on his back.

The python stuck its dark-brown head out of Nozzer's ass and kept coming, just a solid shaft of defecate oozing from his tight puckered ass hole.

"Wow man that's hit the smear, '' Nozzer says, as the actual giant shit python slithered from his ass and curled up stinking on the story like a big Robert Brown Hydra coiled up ready to expunge."That's what I needed man, that's ace. ``

Poor old Nige was in melt down."Jesus !"he said,"Oh my god !"

Sandra took shame on him she expertly peeled off his condom using an inside out bag like picking up dog shit.

"Oh poor Nige,"she says. She helped him to stand up and kissed him on the bonce,"ejaculate to Mummy."

Nige was crying, he was totally freaked out. Sandra held him, then in a jiffy of inspiration, she popped her left tit out for Nige to imbibe on.

"Never mind mum loves you,"she said as Nige tucked into her tit.

"ma has a extra figurehead seat so you can jazz her without getting shit under your foreskin,"Sandra husked.

Nozzer was looking for bog bankroll. Sandra was ordering no one in particular to clean the shit up, and Nige was getting an hard-on again.

"lack to put your big thingy in mum's nice front can ?"Sandra asked in a pillock voice.

Nige was just confused as Sandra slipped a overbold durex on Nige's tool. She eased around and bent over the bound of the snooker tabular array and reaching between her peg she guided the tip of Nige 's rapidly swelling cock towards her pussy. Nige eased into the unfamiliar fond slippery cavern. It seemed odd that there was so little resistance, but it felt quite pleasant when Sandra started milking his cock with well practised cunt muscles.

Nige had barely started when he started to shoot his load.

Nozzer was rhapsodic."Man that was the best horseshit ever !"He declared loudly to anyone who would heed,"I reckon I might release gay me self if its that proficient,"he added drunkenly.

"You really are gross,"Algenon exclaimed.

"You ent supposed to shit,"Tommy hunting says reasonably.

"rightfield,"says Nozzer,"So why did Chalky say to do it ?"

"Taking the peeing Ilex paraguariensis,"Tommy explained.

"You bastards,"says Nige as he pulls out of Sandra with his condom total of spunk and his face absolutely bloodless,"Oh my god that was so awful."

"What fucking me ?"Sandra asked.

"No him shitting at me, I need therapy !"he replied.

"You need a girlfriend mate,"Sandra said,"That's twenty five quid by the way."

"Ghogof calendar week,"I says,"Give her one get one free."

Sandra scowled,"No need to take the piss."

Not the most tender of response anyway it set Nige off again. I was going to prompt her that a tenner was the common charge.

Sandra held Nige tenderly and adjacent bloody affair he was riding her bareback with her sat on the snooker tabular array and her foundation on his shoulder. Really going for it and all.

Nige's couple were staring in disbelief, they couldn't get their heads around it. Nige fucking a birdie. I forgot to moving-picture show it, couldn't have flogged the footage where he didn't rubber up any road, so we all had a few Thomas More bevvies and went home. Except Nige and Sandra that is, seems they stopped up all night talking about fashion and women's stuff.

So that was it. Nige needed therapy, every time he saw an ass hole he imagined a diddly-squat python emerging and it put him right off. Then again Sandra mad a gracious few quid out of Nige and every gay bloke in Lancashire was warned what happened when Nige fucked Nozzer.

See. I was right, a bit of anal cured his impairment .