My first-class honours degree Lesbian Experience

It was late. It was raining. And dark. And cold.

The strait of the folk group wafted down the street from the Flying Horse as I nibbled at something that might once bear been a cod before it was cremated and sealed in cardboard flavoured yellow concrete and stuffed in newspaper with slices of raw potato.

I opened the pub door as the Union chow premier ( and only ) tribade anti paedophile striation Boris and the Pedos sang.
"String the buggers up"
"String the sod up"
"There's nothing as vile as a pedophile, so string the bugger up !"An consultation of three skin heads and an old codger who mistook it for dominoes night sat there bored out their skulls.

"All right Johnno ?"Boris the pass singer shouted as her band rested between numbers.

Nearly bald, five five over twenty stone, squeezed into spare large denim three sizing too small with a leather jacket what had probably been old when the first world war was on she was the sort of butch tribade who got butch lesbians a bad name.

psyche you the way she liked fucking convicted pedos up the ass with a sledge hammering handle made me wonder whether she actually was a lesso. She had cracking freshwater bass baritone voice though, pathos she was tonus deaf.

"Not so bad, how's it going ?"I asked.

"Not so bad,"she said,"Any favorites ?"

"Bit of verse ?"I suggested,"The gallows tree ?"

"Sit thee down, and rest awhile."
"And learn the lonely pedophile."I started

"As swaying gently in the breeze, he dangles from the gallows tree !"she finished, ah that's poetry.

"You can't bring solid food in here,"Sandra the barmaid shouted.

"Its from the shish kebab store, I don't reckon it counts as food,"I moaned.

"Them fucking twat hates us,"Harley Charlie, the moped riding honcho skinhead announced,"They ought to fuck off back where the seed from."

"Where fucking Oldham ?"his teammate asked.

"Who gives a fuck, let have a sing song, that old one,"he said drunkenly,"White cliff of Dover !"

"We'll eats Pedos over, the Edward Douglas White Jr. cliff of capital of Delaware, tomorrow just you wait and see."

"We'll get all them bastards and chuck the rest over after,"I suggested,"Then we'll be fucking Pedo free !"

"You got the words Johnno ?"Boris asked.

"No I just fucking made it up, Good Shepherd fucking christ."I replied.

"Make a snap record,"Charlie said, and he stood up,"motivation a jack, get the drinks in Nobber."

"Why the nooky do I always get to get the drinking in ?"Nobber asked.

"‘ effort your on benefits, no one else got any cash ?"I suggested.

"screwing arduous piece of work, benefits, having to commend to fucking limp."Nobber said, but no one gave a fuck.

"What you having Johnno ?"Sandra asked.

"Anal ?"I suggested.

"To drink not later you filthy bastard !"Sandra retorted and Boris flashed me a grim look, she must have thought she had pulled.

"betrayer piss,"I said.

"You can have one Frank Stella ‘ causal agency I know what your like after a few pint eh Mr Floppy !"Sandra laughed.

"All fucking right, it was only once."I stammered as me face went bright red,"Ever ready me."

"Fuck anything anything any sentence ?"trick search the bookie from Matson street walked out the bog and started taunting me. Hunt the puss as we called him.

"Long as its over 18, and has a twat and a pulse,"I protested.

"Like a cow ?"he laughed.

"Technically they has a vestibule not a cunt,"I said using my superior intellect gained from watching pointless nookie game show and like dogshit on pointless piece of tail daytime TV.

"Her then,"he said pointing at Boris.

"Fuck off she's a fucking Lesso."I said supportively.

"Fifty quid says you can't."He suggested.

"Fifty quid each ?"Boris asked.

"Two hundred, realize it five !"Hunt the Cunt taunted.

"Jesus,"Boris said,"I could use a few quid as it happens."

"Oh for fuck sake,"Hunt sighed,"I was taking the piss."

"We heard,"Harley Charlie chuckled,"What you reckon Johnno ?"

"Yeah, why not, I'm up for it."I lied. Jesus it would be halfway to turning fucking gay. Fucking a fat bald geezer even if it did have a bitch somewhere under the ugly great fold of belly skin.

"This I just got to see !"Sandra said. What I didn't know was she texted all her mates and said to come round of drinks and watch.

"So what's your secret plan ?"Nobber asks Hunt the Cunt.

"Just like to see Lesbos sorted out,"he sniggered.

"Wants a share of the CCTV rights more like,"I sighed knowing one-half of Saudiafuckingrabia had seen my ass bobbing around on some erotica channel streamed from the CCTV as I gave Sandra a percentage one night after lock up.

"Lads what do you exact me for ?"search asked.

"Money grabbing pussy,"Harley Charlie said nicely.

"Yeah well making money's me hobby ennit ?"Hunt laughed,"Go on. I'll make it a 1000 each."

"I dunno,"I said,"What you reckon Boris ?"

"If your up for it I am."she said,"I need the cash."

"acquiring up for its the problem,"I thought to me self as I tried to shut me heart and think of England, or actually that scene in Nippon Porno Farm three where the Jap girl all strip off on the parade ground and commence doing utilization until the blokes start fucking them.

It was no good, me cock did a passable impersonation of a French S Cargo ( Snail ).

"In the backrest way ?"I suggested.

"Lock the door Sandra,"Hunt suggested.

"piece of ass that me mates is coming,"Sandra explained.

"Oh fucking jesus."I thought.

"Right lets do one more than set of can buy me love,"Boris called as she twanged a ugly row from her authentic Chinese Scatocaster Guitar, It might have worked best if she had noticed it was for 120 V not 240 but reading and thinking were not exactly her solid points.

"Buy me a Diamond band you cunt and you can slumber with me tonight."
"Stick it up me bum you cunt and I'll urinate it all seem right.
"effort all I want is,"“ Lots of money and Money can buy me get it on,"
"Can buy me luh-uv,"
she wailed.

poor people old Macker Lennon must have been turning in his pit.

Actually the pub was filling nicely.

Boris was starting another set.

"Tie a ass pedo round the old oak Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree
If he fucking dies its all right by me."

"Who writes this shit ?"Hunt asked.

I never admitted anything,"Its satire,"I said.

"Fucking racist,"he said shaking his head.

"Across the sea, where all the priest are pedophile, ''
"Celibate means the fucking lot are gay."Boris warbled to what might well have been supposed to be the tune to"Danny Boy."

"Christ sake Johnno she'll be on the racist dirt next do something !"Sandra hissed in me lug maw as the pub filled with her mates.

I stepped up to the mike, I got a half decent voice, well it was ok cashbox it broke, sort of schism down the heart more like, when me balls dropped."You all know this one,"I shouted and started singing a crapello, that means on me tod.

"The Dew on the meadow, the mist on the stream.
The river runs down to the sea."

"We gather together to greet the cockcrow
and England belongs to me."

Boris's mate crashed in a few random chords on Bass Guitar which was handy because I started far too gamy

"So bugger the spaniards and bugger the frogs, and bugger the old EEC
The all fucking Eurozone can get ingurgitate 'cause England belongs to me."

"Italians are pedopiles so are the Hun, the burnish have all got VD
So lets get and build an atomic bomb and blow them to buggery."

"And fluff them to Bug, and float them to Bug,"

"And blow them to bug er ree !"I finished as a solo and then tried to make a run for it.

"Bloody hell that was fucking brilliant !"this pissed up tart with DD tits and blonde hair straight out of a nebuliser can who might sustain passed for 25 on a dark dark where you couldn't see the seam under her eyes cooed as she pressed her bosom against me.

Suddenly S Cargo turned to frankfurter, well more like Scots heather hold if I'm reliable ‘ cause I wont see 20 again in a hurry like either.

"Ohhh you are a big boy,"she cooed as she cupped me balls through me jeans.

"Its now or never,"I thought as I pulled away from her.

"And now the main event,"I said,"Drum roll please Karen."

"I'm fucking Elsie you blind twat !"the drummer replied but she started smacking underworld out of the membranophone skins all same.

"Go for it ?"Boris asked.

I nodded.

She pulled down her skin tight extra large jean and the biggest coil of pink belly fat you ever did see cascaded down completely hiding what looked like a flyspeck pair of pinko panties.

Me ardor was fading. ( Posh lingo for me dick was shrinking, fast )

"Stick it anywhere no one will mark !"Boris hissed as I dropped my drawers and pushed her against the bar.

Now any sensitive fucker would receive rubbered up but I didn't have time, and anyway plan A was to shoot up somewhere under a bun of flabby under her belly push button but wouldn't you know John Thomas went straight for the moist spot. I reckon she must have fancied the blonde tart with the DDs same as I had.

The flavour of me bare peter nous on a moist cunt lips is much the same whether its Brianny or Mad Donna or someone what looks like some fuckers grandad and I made the misunderstanding of shutting me eyes.

Next fucking matter I was going for it. Fucking JT was in. Right up, that fucking flab was gentle as fucking and just flowed out the way. She was truly bang. I was truly fucked.

"Oh god."I moaned but I never had the sense to stop.

"No don't that feels too nice, for fucks sake Johnno !"Boris was wailing.

I started going for it, like a fucking terrier against a Wellington boot flush, it felt too fucking good. It was all wrong and then the pressure sensation release alarm went off in me bollocks.

"Ready or not I'm coming !"I shouted and to a bloody big cheerfulness I shot me load.

"postiche !"soul cried.

"He fucking didn't he slimed me !"Boris protested and she showed three of her podgy digit inside her and dragged them out glistening with spunk.

Fucking applause all round, fucking ten stone and a bit weakling and a dyke les. It must have looked uproarious, like one of them little male person spiders fucking them huge female black widder spider except I hadn't been ate yet.

"Pay time,"I said as lav Hunt tried to sneak away.

"funfair do's you earned it,"he laughed and he flashed a wad of notes. I flicked through.

"And the rest,"I said without counting.

He coughed up another ton or so which brought it just over two grand which was fair.

"You really would fuck anything you fucking worm,"Sandra said.

"screwing pot calling the fucking timpani,"I said,"At least I get a grand not a one-half of lager and a few chips."

"Too chaise,"she said,"Anyway its rubber for you now, you don't know where that's been."

"ass dawn after pill, is the tardily nighttime pill roller still give ?"I asked.

"I crumbled two in her vodka and orangeness,"Sandra said,"Someone has to seem after you."

"I know,"I said,"I am grateful."

"Elsie says if I have IVF and have triplets we can get a 3 chamber council house straight away,"Sandra said all innocent like.

"Not that fucking grateful,"I said as Boris decided not to gravel trying to force her belly back in her jeans but to stick the spare mike up her twat instead as she launched in to song.

"He's got a Pedo's bollocks in his mitt,
He's got his cock and bollocks in his paw,"and as she sang,
'' He's got a Pedo's bollocks in his bridge player, '' again the the audience joined in with.
"And he'll rip the fuckers off !"

"There ain't no room for Pedo's in this Land,"they continued.

I'd had adequate, I felt ill, that was pretty low fucking a ugly butch Les for money, Ok substantially than swing out roads or collecting tax or walking the streets like a plod but pretty bloody low.

I opened the threshold. There were half a dozen uniforms sheltering in the porch.

"Oh its you Allthwaite,"the Police Sergeant said knowingly,"Off home ?"

"Nah off down the Mosk for Friday Prayers."I corrected him.

"Its Tuesday,"the sergeant-at-law corrected,"This Gentlemen is your literal lightlessness Muslim Gay gay woman Transsexual member of every bloody minority the nursing home office has ever heard of and plenty more than beside, arrest him at your peril."

My report had preceded me"Box ticking,"I agreed.

"Just fuck off."He said.

So I did, and they arrested some bloke who came out his gaff in his nightshirt to kvetch about the row.

Its a rummy old world.

And that was me first Lesbian experience .