Blagthorpe, Yorkshire, England 1886. Finest pit int'unhurt world.

Life were hard back then

I were standing by fire in pit head place watching our eldest Lucy shovelling coal into railway estate car, as fast as any man. By eck, I thought, what a lassie, and that's when I had a notion.

I'm Henry Blagthorpe, They calls me Creator Blagthorpe, or that bastard Blagthorpe. I own pit and Greenwich Village of Blagthorpe as it happens, I has a reputation you see.

I married a widdow, Elsie Sugden. Her had a kid already, Lucy. I says splice, we never wasted brass on church or zero. Every bit of governing body went into business.

Useless bitch she were and all. Seven bloody giirls her popped before her shout out enough and went to sleep in extra room, well one of em, I had twelve bedroom at go count.

I went outside to give a word,"Eee young girl thee's fit."I says to our Lucy.

"What's this chatting up thee daughter, he'll be in thee knickers next,"cocker spaniel Drayton joked.

"button it cocker,"I says,"I means she's unassailable as any fellow,"I says.

"well don't go geting any ideas,"Lucy snapped,"I told thee I'll not cook and clean and jerk for thee, nor go down pit, I'd rather go down whore house."

"looking at here, thee'd frighten blokes pillock, now if thee's got any sense thee's sell the honour to gamey bidder."I suggested.

"And how much would you volunteer ?"she asked.

"basketball team bob,"I laughed.

"Done, I'll tell our mam."she grinned and went back to shovelling. She must receive been hot as she had her shirt undone and thee could see her whatsits swinging as she shovelled.

I got home after iniquity. Table was set. Tea was cold as always. Elsie was crashing pitiful as always.

"For half a fucking crown I'd send the lot of thee to workhouse,"I joked to buoy up mood.

"For half a crown I'd bloody go,"Elsie said moodily.

"Mam our Dad offered five bob for me honour,"Lucy blurted out as she washed the coal dust off her piece stripped to the waist by kitchen sink.

"Some bally hopes it must be long gone,"Elsie snapped.

"No, no bugger's had me our mam, ent no one as I fancy,"Lucy said,"Except Daddy."

"Now hang on I were jesting,"I said,"Thee's me daughter."

"So why am I working in pit not at some poncy finishing school or some such ?"Lucy asked.

"I don't want thee cavorting with toff, I wants thee,"I said,"I wants thee close at hand so I can look after thee."

"So no other bugger has me,"she challenged,"You want's me for thee own, for thee whore !"

She stood there, whatsits hanging out, the pap all stood up, face and hair all total darkness, and it hit me."I reckon thee's right."I said. I had a think,"Thee's old enough, there ‘ ent nowt but courtesy for keeping thee around as thee ent mine so there ‘ ent no reason we shouldn't is there."

"I'd snap thee picayune dick in half,"she challenged wi'her eyes ablaze.

"Go and fuck the little bitch,"Elsie said,"Then chuck her out ungrateful mare."

I found a lucky guinea,"Here thee are then,"I says as I handed it to her,"Get thee kit off."

"I suppose you want's variety ?"she said.

"Nah keep it,"I said. Our Elsie near fainted, she were so shocked by me generosity.

"Da,"Lucy says,"Can we go somewhere more common soldier ?"

"Nay, sodomist it, me saps up,"I says,"Bend over table our Lucy I'll poke thee from behind."

Our Elsie made a blank and Lucy dropped her mans breeches what she wore and bent over table.

Her woman 's parts was all garden pink and moist and me tadger was straining fit to bust so I had me belt undone and me kecks round me ankles afore you could say"Ee Bah Gum."

It were lucky he were straining as her thingy put up a fight as I went to stab her, I had to flow on to her whatsits to get a bit of purchase like, but all of a sudden it gev way and I were bollock cryptic inside her unmentionables. Her moaned all slaked like as I poked away at her.

It was crashing champion, her seemed to enjoy it as well. I enjoyed me self like I hadn't for bloody old age. In the end when I shot me bolt I were crashing knackered.

I sat down. Our Elsie pushed me tea in front end of me. It were cold, bloody inedible like. I flung it at her,"Am off down bloody chippy, you coming our Lucy ?"

"What about us ?"Elsie whined.

"Thee made flaming muck, thee can bloody eat ont,"I told her.

Our Lucy pulld her rear of barrel up and that and off we went.

They were shocked to see I down Chippy, They let us go first in waiting line on account of none of ‘ em wanted the sack.

"Two Haddock and a bag o'crisp,"I says,"And what ever thee's having,"I gestured towards our Lucy.

"I'll have a meat pie,"Lucy says,"The big un, what kind of nub is it."

"sawbuck,"Chippy said,"Thee Faither lets us experience pit trot cheap when they're knackered."

"Lord Blagthorpe to thee, any road unit of ammunition she ‘ ent me daughter no more ‘ cause I been poking her and she's mine now."

"Not till you put a closed chain on me finger's breadth I ent,"Lucy says,"You ent me dad, you ent me zip,"

"Bloody hell girl,"I says,"Thee don't hang around do thee ?"I thought a mo. She were fit, healthy, why she had a intimately than average hazard of bearing me a son. Me mind were made up.

"Marry me then our Lucy !"I says.

"‘ Course I will,"she says,"Lets nip off bolt down parsonage and set things in motion."

"sod me tha'don't hang about.|"I admitted.

"I had a salutary teacher,"she smiled.

We picked up us snap and headed off down vicar's place.

Vicar bloody near had a fit,"But she's your girl !"he whined.

"Step daughter,"Lucy reminded him,"Him and me Mam ent married any road and me half sisters is all bastards."

"I wouldn't outcry all of em SOB, bloody irritating mebe,"I confessed.

"She means technically,"the Vicar said helpfully,"So there is a lot to organise, flowers, bells, choir,"

"That's bollocks is that,"Lucy says,"No heyday, no bells, no consort, no bloody fancy dresses, just foretell the Banns, marry us part way through morning service and then us can get started on a son and heir for pappa, I mean for Henry."

"Are you sure ?"I asks.

‘ Course I'm sure,"Lucy insisted,"I know thee beloved brass More than anything so I ent going to start off by riling thee am I ?"

I were shocked to the core, she understood me in a way our Elsie never did. Elsie always wanted new clobber long afore the old were wore out, her'd of desire efflorescence and the totally bloody shebang.

We went back home, I expected Lucy to bunk in along with I but her said not till us was wed so I had to make do with Elsie and her only let me poke her backside.

III weeks later we was wed. Bloody hell did I know it. I were bloody knackered. Her wanted it morning noon and night, afore come apart fast, during daybreak fag break, snatch fourth dimension and after tea as well as bed time.

"You'll commit me heart attack !"I protested as she jumped on me thingy for the endorse sentence in an hr in pit billet wi clerks and that trying to attend t'early way.

"And all thee clobber will be mine,"she said her eyes ablaze.

"Ah, so that's thee architectural plan,"I agreed as her bounced up and down on me thingy which were stiff as a pit prop,"So what u'd thee change if I popped me clogs ?"

"Kick our bloody Mam out for a start, and me bloody sisters,"she said,"Get a comely business firm what's well-fixed to keep clean and warm W. C. Handy for pit."

"And,"I says as her bouncing up, down and sideways on me thingy, pleasuring her sen.

"Get me self a fit bloke what can roger me sideways all day and all night."she said wistfully.

"He'd have thee fat we child afore thee knowed,"I assured her,"But thee has a spot, what bloody use is thee Mam except when thee has womens thingys and I can't have thee. grub her out and the tyke, send em down work house."

"You callous motherfucker !"she said,"They're your bloody kids."

"Not a shit o good none of em,"I admitted,"e should kick the bloody lot out."

"Thing is,"Lucy said,"If we moved in that nice three bed down Abbotoire Road as I got me eye on."

"Yes ?"I said,"We could let big household out as flats, send the honest-to-goodness girls down pit, lend new to chimney sweep, and set our Mam up in her own whore house and charge her rent."

I were gob smacked. I shot me load in shock."Bugger me our Lucy,"I says,"Why the ‘ ell didn't I think of that !"

"Yer gettin'old, and I had a near teacher,"she happily as she climbed off me and wiped her sen on put over fabric."Now have a bit of a kip, I'll be back for more in half a mo !"

Her went back to shovelling.

"Her'll have thee in other grave you mark my words,"Cocker Drayton chief clerk muttered.

"I die felicitous,"I answered,"Then mebbe her'll fuck thee ?"

He went quite pale.

"I'm bloody joking you wazzock !"I taunted him.

He bloody fainted. Said it were electrical shock of me cracking a joke, first metre in the 20 years he 'd worked'for me.

Its bloody funny what love does to thee .