The boot on Ilkley Moor

This is a fact based work of fiction and all the persona are completely fictitious although with such lifelike characters you probably know someone just like them.

The paving material glistened moistly after the rain storm as we huddled together in the 99p shop doorway as we kept an eye on minister 's Street one Fri in late Aug 2001.

'' That 's the puss, '' 'Nobby'Bagthorpe said quietly pointing to this ageing Asian bloke with his head down as he legged it up the street as he headed home from Friday prayers at the Parson 's Street Mosque.

'' Yeah that 's him, '' Al confirmed.

'' What him, he looks past it ? '' I queried.

'' Get a grip Allthwaite, '' Nobby moans, `` It 's the pussy 's kid, fucking Imran as been doing our Sheila not that cunt. ''

'' Right, '' I says, `` So what we following that cunt for ? ``

'' Like the fucking Cosa Nostra Johnno, '' Al says, `` That lot. ``

'' Fucking top man Kuptar, '' Nobby adds.

'' Right, '' I agrees, totally befuddled, `` Now what ? ``

'' talking to the cunt, '' Nobby says.

'' Right, '' I agreed, `` So we fucking threaten him and get the unharmed fucking tribe round our gaff or worse claiming racial harassment ? ``

'' You got a better mind ? '' Nobby asks, well as it happens my thought was fuck off down the flight Horse for a few bevvies, maybe a curry and fawn away and befuddle up in epithelial duct, `` Thought not, ''
he added.

The bloke kept walking and we followed, we would have caught him up and had a chat except Nobby started wheezing because of the poove and that and Al said he had stitch and I did n't visualise it on my own as our dad said they carried sticker down their socks.

So we followed 'Kuptar ,'to his gaff the corner shop on the corner of Mafeking terrace and Ladysmith street and we went in, Mrs Kuptar was serving behind the high tabulator and she hid her copy of 'Playgirl ,'or some such and switched her telly to the Asiatic network instead of one of them porn channels she usually watched as we walked in.

'' Hiya sexy ! '' Nobby said. She stared at him through the orthogonal trap in the black tent she wore and she cursed him in Urdu with a Lancashire accent.

'' You want something or you come to take the piddle ? '' she asked nastily.

'' Where 's the political boss ? '' Al asked, `` We know he 's here ? ``

'' Michael, '' she shouts, fucking Asian called shtup Michael, you could n't establish it up.

'' Yes, '' he bellows.

'' Some rough yobbos are here to see you Michael, '' she says in side to wind us up.

'' Who are they ? '' he asks.

'' Johnno Althwaite, Al Allington and Nobby Bagthorpe, you know Sandra 's brother, '' I says.

'' I owe the girl nothing ! '' he said, `` cypher ! ``

'' Not you fucking Imran, he got her up the duff, '' Nobby insists, `` Ring on finger time savvy ? ``

Kuptar appears, `` Then you must carry it up with Imran. ``

'' face you 're fucking head of the kinfolk, you have a Word of God right ? '' Al interjects.

'' He is his own man and will hook up with whom he chooses, '' Kuptar says and his missus has the decency to blush as we all knew the family planned who married who, a cousin from Bungla probably.

'' Tell him to give is a buzzer, '' Nobby said firmly, `` We 're off down the Dog and duck for a bevvy, '' he lied and we strode out into the typical mist and scant rain that is Weatherfield when it is n't raining hard.

'' That fucking told them, '' Nobby said, `` Lets get bladdered. ``

We went down Flying horse in showcase Imran came looking and got started on the Stella. ( Artois ).

'' Why do n't you marry our Sheila ? '' Nobby asks after about ten pints.

'' No you 're all flop mate, I do n't fancy your mum as female parent in law, '' I says.

'' power be you as got her in sept way Johnno, '' Al reminded me.

'' For fucks sake I fucking paid her and I was rubbered up every clock time ! '' I reminded them.
'' No offense but she is a pro remember. ``

'' Nice trivial earner, '' Nobby said drunkenly, `` It aint fair that tarts gets paid for fucking and fellow has to pay for it. ``

'' If you say so, '' I says, `` What do you intend Jeremy ? ``

Nobby looks up all shamed like, he had n't seen Jerry France stood behind us.

'' Very funny Johnno, '' Krauthead sneer, `` That was year ago. ``

'' What was ? '' Al asked.

'' He got done for soliciting ! '' I said `` Weatherfield 's only snag boy ! ``

'' Oh, very funny, '' Jerry says, `` Anyway that 's all in the past. ``

'' Glad to get wind it, '' Al says.

'' Simon and I are getting married in Oct, '' Kraut says proudly and Nobby drops what was left of his dry pint in his lap.

'' Fucking Hades ! '' he protests and frantically tries to wipe his fork with some chap anorak that he left hung on a electric chair while he went to the bog, `` They 'll think I pissed me self ! ''

I tried to ignore him, pillock.

'' How 's the ring going, '' Jerry asks, going on about Weatherfield silver medal, the Brass Band I played in.

'' Fucking packed it in, '' I lied, I got sacked when I fucked up the interlude from the `` Ironmasters '' in regional concluding, hit top A matte instead of top B flat you never heard such a fucking row, `` You still play ? '' I asks.

'' A bit, I 'm back on Flugel now, '' he says.

'' You always did receive beneficial smell, remember when we played Pie Jesu for the old tribe party ? ``
I asked.

'' The old hen said it brought tear to her eyes ! '' he agreed,

'' And I said it was n't that bad ! '' we laughed, old Jerry was n't a bad chap for a shirt-lifter, at to the lowest degree he stuck to blokes his own age or older and was n't a pedo like most of the queers round our way.

'' What about fucking Sheila, '' Nobby says.

'' No thanks ! '' Hun laughs and he slips away.

'' Better see fucking Imran, '' I said.

'' Better get a Curry then, '' Nobby says, `` Before we waste away. ``

Waste away, Nobby 's gut had to be 46 inches at least and he must have been eighteen Harlan Stone because Al 's res publica scouter got quite a inclination on when Nobby climbed aboard.

We had a curry, `` Why is it always Indians what sells curry ? '' Nobby asked idly as he stuffed his face.

There really was n't no response, and then we met Sheila as we walked house, she was standing at bus stop by WH Smiths.

'' What you doing our Sheila ? '' Nobby asks as if it was n't painfully obvious what a seven month pregnant tart in a red miniskirt one-half way up her ass and a top that was so soused it bulged where her her tits swelled an duplicate couple of inches on history of her being up the duff, and who was hanging about at a bus occlusion at near midnight when hold up bus was ten thirty.

'' Go place Nobby, '' Sheila says.

'' We been trying to fix you up with fucking Imran ! '' Al says.

'' Fuck off ! '' Sheila says, `` He fucking did me bareback the filthy asshole ! '' she ranted `` Its his fault I got caught ! ``

'' That 's what I mean, he got a Merc, '' Al adds.

'' His dad 's got a nook shop, '' I adds.

'' Fucking grow up, '' she said, `` Anyway you met my mate ? ``

I stared, `` Doreen ? '' there was Ted Atkins missus Doreen in high up heel, fishnets and a bum freezer miniskirt hiding in Frank Winfield Woolworth shop doorway.

'' Johnno, '' she says.

'' What you doing here ? '' I asks.

'' Lost me job, '' she says, `` I needs the money, '' she said, I looked, she was a bit rough, roots needed doing which showed she was mousey haired really not blonde, too much lip rouge, and dressed too tarty with the fishnet, but something stirred down below.

'' How much ? '' I asked.

'' No Johnno, I know you it would be like cheating on Ted. '' she says.

'' How much ? '' I says again.

'' Fifty ? '' she says.

'' Fucking twenty more like, '' I says and I rummaged in my pocket, `` I got seventeen pounds and eighty three cent, '' I says.

'' No way ! '' Doreen protests and then I produced a twenty.

'' Oh go on Dor, '' Sheila says, `` He 's only got a picayune turncock and he comes ever so nimble. ``

'' Oh all compensate then, '' says Doreen and she pulls her G string to one side and expects me to bang her standing up in Tomothy Whites'doorway.

'' We ca n't fuck here ! '' I says.

'' Only hold a minute, if we all stand round no one will see. '' Sheila says, `` Get on with it. ``

I fished me tool out and rubbered up with a Durex, Doreen hauls up the hem of her skirt about an inch and I bends me knee and thrust upwards and eases inside her, she was all tight and warm and fucking lovely, `` Oh that 's so fucking good ! '' I says and I humped her about twice and then, `` Oh piece of ass ! '' I says and me balls are crinkling and there 's that feeling like there 's a red hot steel rod down the eye of your cock and it needs cooling and quite suddenly, `` Oh fucking inferno no ! '' I shot me load.

'' Pound a minute, that 's better than merchant bankers ! '' Sheila chuckled.

'' Very comic, '' I said as me tool shrank.

'' I wish my Ted was more like you, '' Doreen said, `` He keeps me pinned to the counterpaine for half an 60 minutes some prison term trying to get off. ``

'' stick the whole fucking knife in why do n't you, '' I suggested sarcastically as I chucked the spunked up rubber in the corner and cleaned me tool on me hanky, and they all laughed every fucking one of them.

I zippered up, `` Fuck the lot of you ! '' I said and I staggered off up the J. J. Hill, which was daft because our household is the other way.



XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It was about a week later that we collared Kuptar round his gaff.

'' looking here 's the muckle, '' Nobby told Kuptar, `` First off fucking Imran pays fucking upkeep for our Sheila 's kid. ``

'' If the DNA says he is Imran 's we shall verbalise ! '' Kuptar replies.

'' Indeed, '' Mrs Kuptar agrees, `` Perhaps we shall take on the child. ``

'' Fucking marry our Sheila more like ! '' Nobby says.

'' Be reasonable, '' says Kuptar playing for time.

'' And second I want 's a crack at your fucking Amina, '' Nobby says.

'' No ! '' Kuptar protest, `` I can not let a rough fellow like you associate with my daughter, she is pure ! ``

'' I want 's to love her not fucking comrade ! '' Nobby says.

'' Associate is Bungla for fucking mate, '' Al says helpfully.

'' You stupid fellow, '' Kuptar retorts, `` I do not even want you in the Saame way as my daughter ! '' he rants.

'' Phone sex ? '' I suggests, old Kuptar nearly busts a blood watercraft but the there is a screech of tyres and Imran and a couple of cousin spell up.

'' Ah my boy ! '' Kuptar exclaims as they burst in like the heroes in a bad Bollywood cop movie, `` please escort these gentlemen from my shop class. ``

I never knew what hit me, there was this cousin I never saw before and then I just went out like a get off, but Nobby was made of better stuff, seems like Imran belted Nobby in the gut and Nobby puked all over his arm and then smacked Imran on the olfactory organ busting it and sending him sprawling, then like a true gentleman Nobby legged it as fast as any 18 Stone fat bastard can leg it and headed for home, leaving Al to wham Imran 's cousin in the expression with a ice frigidness two litre nursing bottle of Coke he planned to buy and to put off the former full cousin and leg it after Nobby leaving me on the deck of cards out cold.

I come round in the punt room of the shop, `` It seems you are not a fighting man Mr Allthwaite ? '' Kuptar says.

'' For fucks sake, '' I says checking me jaw and teeth, `` That was out of Holy Order. ``

'' You 're alive are n't you ? '' Imran snaps.

'' Just a fucking round, '' I says, `` No thanks to you ! ``

'' You should have let Freddie finish him off ! '' Imran ranted.

'' What 's fucking stopping you, '' I asked.

'' Mr Allthwaite we are passive men, '' Kuptar said, `` We are not roused easily but you have been warned. ``

'' I 'll bring a shag gun next meter, '' I told him.

'' Try it, '' that Imran cunt says and next thing there 's a fucking AK47 gun barrel pointing at me header, fucking Kalashnikov no less.

'' Right, '' I says, `` Good point. ``

'' Freddy ! '' Kuptar whined, and had a real go at him in Urdu or some such, `` You idiot ! ``

'' Look, no skin off my nose, '' I says, `` Loads of tribe got accelerator, me dad 's got a Lee Enfield in the shed. ``

'' What is this ? '' this girl asks and I saw Amina 's face through the face kettle of fish in the tent she wore.

'' Fucking inferno, '' I exclaimed, `` You gone all religious ? ``

'' No, '' she replied sadly, `` Go home whoremonger, '' she said and added, `` Do n't come back ! ``

'' Good Shepherd you changed, '' I said remembering how she used to leap about playing Netball at school in a short skirt flashing her knee breeches when she was in year ten before her tits developed.

'' Go ! '' she said.

I did n't take a second telling, I stood up wobbled a bit and headed out the back room access down the yard and out into the back alley where I had a quick aspect back before I legged it for home.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

'' Fucking cunt 's got guns ! '' I told Al and Nobby later.

'' So 've we, '' Al says.

'' Fucking Lee Enfield from eager War, '' I says.

'' Fucking good gun that, '' Nobby says.

'' We ca n't fucking take that down the street can we ? '' I explained, `` Not without getting arrested. ''

'' Good level, '' Nobby says, `` meliorate cut the barrel off. ``

'' Do n't be a fucking cock head, '' Al says, `` You wants a blinking hammer. ``

'' Iron bar, '' I says.

'' Fucking half shaft ! '' Al says and laughs.

'' Right, '' I agrees, `` Fucking nation Rover half shaft, you got a busted one have n't you Al ? ``

'' I got a spare near one Johnno, '' Al says, `` Fucking Hell we could twat some bastard and mystify the irradiation back in and the cunts would n't never be able to witness the weapon. ``

'' Fucking truck would n't work though would it, '' Nobby says.

'' Four cycle cause just use the diff lock, '' I says.

'' Fucking sin, fucking one-half shaft against a fucking gun, '' Al says.

'' Fucking guns more like, '' I says.

'' Well I 'm up for it ! '' Nobby says, like a genuine dick head.

'' What ? '' I says.

'' Twatting that cousin-german what decked you, '' Nobby says.

'' Yeah, '' I said uncertainly, `` That bastard needs a muzzle. ``

'' Three months in fucking adhesive friction more like, '' Al said, `` Any one partiality another ? ''

'' Yeah, '' I said.

'' good lad, mine 's a Frank Philip Stella, oh and a face pack of fruitcake, '' Nobby added so I had me wallet out again getting a round of drinks in.

'' affair is, '' Nobby said, `` By the time we 've had enough Stella to be up for it we are too pissed to do anything. ``

'' Fucking right, '' I agreed, `` Saturday morning. ''

That 's why we went round fucking Kuptar 's gaff on Saturday sunup, just to sort fucking Imran out, see Al busted the one-half shaft on his Land rover and bought a pair off of Ebay so he had a spare part so there we fucking were one-half past fucking six in the morning sat in Al 's ground wanderer
waiting for the shop to open with a spare one-half shaft wrapped in a towel, thats a chunk of sword a duad of feet long with a spline on one end and a rim on the former weighing about xv pounds.

It was about quarter to seven when the door opened and Amina looked out and pose the sign outside, the sun was shining and she looked really stupid in head to toe robes like a dumb show virgin Madonna out if the nativity.

'' Come on ! '' I shouts and I grabs the half prick and legs it for the shop, fucking Amina screams.

'' No, please No ! '' she squeals but I was past her and through the shop, `` No ! '' she squeals, `` Papa ! ``

I burst in the kitchen, nookie ! they was all there, the solid roll in the hay tribe with this livid bearded bastard sat there and the totally fucking table was loaded with stuff and nonsense in Brown paper negligee, and bits of fluid sound and all sorts of crap.

'' Fuck ! '' I wailed, `` What the shtup ! ``

'' Where 's fucking Imran ? '' Nobby asked.

'' Which puss twatted you ? '' Al asked.

'' It 's a shag turkey factory you dopey slit, '' I says and I saw the bearded fucker movement like he had estimate about drawing a gun or summat, anyway the towel was off and I smacked that fucker right in the chop with the splined end of the half rotating shaft, he screamed like a lodge pig and fell off of his chair.

They was all a bit slow to oppose but they was fucking coming to life already, fucking Kuptar looked like he shit his ego and there was half a dozen other fuckers sat around panicking.

'' No ! '' Kuptar shouted, `` Imran no ! ``

Imran had the Kalashnikov in his handwriting, only bit of lot was he did n't know the base hit was off and he stuck it back on by misunderstanding, I swung the half shaft at him, clang I reckon it put a dent in that Kalashnikov barrel anway he dropped it like it was red hot and then all the former fuckers was legging it, they pinned poor old Nobby against the paries and shoved Al back into the shop and fucking legged it, some out the back some through the store, then there was just Imran, Kuptar and me, oh and the bearded fucker blabbing in Urdu about his busted face.

'' fucking sake Johnno, '' Nobby says, `` Fucking hell ! ''

I just stared and then Amina came in, `` Now look what you 've done ! '' she screamed.

'' It is ok, '' Kuptar said.

'' What the shag is this ! '' I yelled.

'' Bombs, '' Amina said, `` My stupid brother has religion. ``

'' putting to death the infidel ! '' says the bearded fucker so I twatted him with the half dig again and fifteen pounds of mellow tensile brand was no mates for his bony skull and he went down and stayed down.

'' W'what are you going to do ? '' asked Kuptar.

'' Well, '' says Nobby, `` How about our Sheila ? ``

'' What ? '' says Kuptar.

'' That cunt got our fucking Sheila up the duff, '' Nobby exclaimed.

'' Are you mad ? '' Amina screech, `` The Imman is dying, the table is covered with bombs and you want my buddy to marry a prostitute ! ''

'' Yep, '' Nobby says, `` Got it in one ! ``

'' Agghhh, '' squeals Amina, `` I am calling the constabulary ! ``

'' Hey do n't be too hasty, '' Al says, blocking her way, `` Some of this is dodgy. ``

'' You idiot ! '' Amina squeals, `` These are bomb, not fake fashion designer handbags ! ``

'' Fucking hell, '' I says looking at the stuff on the mesa, tubes an inch and a one-half cycle with domed ends on one end, `` Do these go where I think they go ? ``

'' ass you Allthwaite, '' Imran snarled.

'' What up their asses ? '' Nobby asks.

'' Looks like it, '' Al adds, `` Or their cunts. ``

Amina slaps him round the grimace, `` I am pure ! '' she wailed.

'' You poor beef, '' I said, `` You want to get out more. ``

'' That 's what I been saying, '' Nobby says, `` You and me how about it ? ``

'' I should rather fuck Allthwaite at least it would be quickly ! '' Amina snapped.

'' Who told you ? '' I asked and she blushed and Imran worked out how the safety worked aimed the Kalashnikov at Nobby and let fly, he missed by a fucking mile and sent a cable of bullet maw across the rampart and ceiling and busted one of the light fittings.

'' screwing ! '' he said as he ran out of bullets.

'' I fucking warned you, '' I said and I smashed the half shaft down on his right wrist joint, he screamed, `` Fucking multitude it in, '' I said.

'' The police force ! '' Kuptar protested and then Mrs Kuptar turned up in her nightie to see what was up, a short nightie about nine in above her knee, loads of cleavage totally dissimilar to the tent she wore in the shop.

'' Mama ! '' Amina protested, `` You are not dressed. ``

'' Dressed, who cares, '' the mother protested, `` I heard shooting ! ``

'' Car backfired ! '' Al lied unconvincingly.

'' And those are woodworm holes ? '' the mother asked pointing at the ceiling.

'' Death watch mallet, '' I said, `` look we do n't throw a fuck about hit man and that we just wants that fucker to do right by Nobby 's Sheila.

'' What ? '' the female parent asks.

'' That cunt got our Sheila up the duff ! '' Nobby explains, `` We just want 's what she 's due. ``

'' What ? '' Kuptar asks, `` You do n't care ? ``

'' No, '' I agreed, `` If that cunt does rectify by Sheila that 's it. ``

'' Marry the prostitute Imran, '' Amina says, `` Say you 'll marry the prostitute. ``

'' I have promised cousin Mustafa ! '' Kuptar announces.

'' Oh yes, your promises, '' Amina agreed, `` He promised me to his buddy eldest ! ``

'' Fuck ! '' I said, `` That 's fucking rough, what in Pakistan ? ``

'' No Bradford ! '' she said, `` He 's so old ! '' she said, `` Like thirty ! ``

'' He is a Surgeon ! '' Kuptar insisted.

'' Without a UK passport, '' Amina countered, `` And a homosexual ! ``

'' Look, '' I says and pointed at the bearded fucker, `` Maybe we should get that bastard a doctor ? ``

'' Bit deep Johnno, '' Nobby said, `` Smells like he shit his self, fuckers does that when they dies. ``

I looked, he did n't look too lively and he had stopped hemorrhage, he looked pretty much dead. '' Fuck ! '' I protested, `` Oh fucking hell ! ``

'' Lock the shop door Amina, '' Kuptar insisted, then he asked, `` What shall we do ? ``

'' Any ideas Nobby, Al ? '' I asked.

'' sort out that dirt on the table, '' Al suggested.

'' Fair enough, '' I agreed, `` You like the IRA or something ? '' I asked.

'' Yes, a piffling, '' Kuptar agreed.

'' So what 's the crack ? '' Nobby asks.

'' They are going to blow up an aeroplane on 9th November, '' Amina announced.

'' Amina enough ! '' Kuptar snapped.

'' Oh not my father or brother, '' Amina sneered, `` Oh no they are in it for the money. ``

'' Amina enough ! '' Kuptar protested.

'' They do n't care that mass will die, '' she said.

'' Infidels ! '' Imran added.

'' You want another tap, cunt ? '' I asked, he shook his caput, `` Then fucking button it then, '' I told him.

I eyeballed the stuff in the mesa, `` So what is it ? '' I asked, `` RDX ? ``

'' Semtex, '' Imran said, `` And there are nomadic phone timer. ``

I eyeballed the stuff in the table, `` Where ? '' I asked.

'' There, '' Imran pointed to a PCB.

'' That 's just a 555 timer and and on off switch, '' I told him, after all I did recognise a bit about electronics.

'' No, it is a reciever ! '' Imran protested.

'' No, '' I said, `` Just a timer, '' I said and he bloody fainted.

'' You fucking half-wit ! '' Nobby said, `` You could have blow the unanimous gaff up ! ``

'' Fucking gaff, they would have blown themselves up, '' I countered, `` I guess they was going to veil this lot up their jacksies. ``

'' And will it on the plane, '' Kuptar agreed.

'' Blow themselves up, '' Al agreed.

'' No we fly to capital of France, '' Imrn explained, `` Charles de frog and switch the receivers on and flush the explosives down the bog and blow up them remotely over London when they come in to land at Heathrow. ''

'' Not with that set up you dopey cunt, '' I says, '' That 's just a timer and you 'd blow up with it ! ``

'' Fuck ! '' says Nobby, `` in force than being married to our Sheila, '' he adds, `` Being dead like. ``

'' Ok, Imran will pay maintenance, '' Kuptar agreed.

'' What about Amina ? '' Nobby says, `` How about pictures later ? ``

'' Well ? '' I asks Kuptar.

'' Yes you may go Amina. '' Kuptar agrees.

'' Not with that fat bastard, '' Amina says.

'' Who then ? '' I asks, `` Al ? ``

'' Do n't you fancy me then Johnno ? '' she asks.

'' Here just a second ! '' I says.

'' But do n't you see if I am not a virgin I can no longer marry my cousin ! '' Amina pointed out, `` And with such a petty tool and so footling staying force. ``

'' You fucking bitch, '' I says, `` Sod the pictures lets go upstairs right now ! ``

'' Amina No ! '' Kuptar says but she smiles through the window in her black tent and takes my hand.

I hands the half shot to Nobby, `` You know what to do ! '' I says and I follows Amina upstairs.

Seems she only had a bra and a flip-flop on under that great tent and pretty quick she was on the bed with her leg apart and I was struggling out of me trouser with me cock straining like a foxhound with the scent.

She looked bloody well, all tight where she should get been, no flab nor nothing and pretty soon I was on her, kissing and pretty soon her legs was ranch wide and I eased my tool up against her hymen and pushed and busted her wide open, she screamed and I felt this sudden upsurge of big businessman and I shafted her rattling concentrated about twice and me balls exploded and of course I cummed before I knew.

'' Agghhh, oh ? '' she said.

'' Sorry, '' I says.

'' Is that all ? '' she says as I pulled out leaving her all sticky up inside.

'' Afraid so, '' I says.

'' No ! '' she says, `` It ca n't be ! ``

'' sprightliness is toilsome and then you die, '' I said comfortingly, and went to find my Y fronts where I kicked them under the bed.

'' No ! '' she said and she laid into me all punching and that and then I was holding her wrist and she was right in front of me and her eyes was like shining and me tool started getting intemperately again.

'' Ok, you win round two, '' I says all seductive like and pushes her on the bed.

He slipped in all easy like this time, she groaned Thomas More than screamed, then her legs was wrapped round me and her hands was on me ass dragging me into her, it was n't comparable usual when the bint wanted me off so she could get the next John the Evangelist in, there was no panic.

'' Amina, are you all right ! '' her mother called.

'' unspoilt than all right field, worth fifty chaw easy, '' I says and love me if fucking Imran did n't bust in the room, he had his shoulder to the door not realising we forgot to lock it and he amount in like a rocket and twatted the closet with his pass and went down like a sack of King Edwards.

'' You idiot ! '' Amina said, `` Why do you call me a whore ? ``

I told her, `` It 's like a compliment ! ``

'' You call me a lady of pleasure as a compliment ! '' she says like she ca n't consider it.

'' What you want, you want me to say'I love you ,'or something ? '' I asks.

'' You could, '' she said.

'' You fuck like that and I reckon I could. '' I says.

'' Say it, '' she says.

'' Fuck it I 'm cumming again, '' I says, `` Bollocks ! '' and my balls were churning and the nerve was rushing down my peter and she was gasping and everything went cat valium and purple for a while.

'' Fuck, '' I said and I kissed her head.

'' That was much ameliorate, '' she muttered, `` volition you let me up ? ``

'' You want to go to the pictures sometime ? '' I asked automatically.

'' No, my farther does not allow, '' she said automatically and then, `` Yes, '' she gasps delightedly, `` Yes I am a bad girl now ! ``

'' Aw my top dog, '' Imran groans.

'' nookie off out of it eh wanker ? '' I says, `` Your sister and me is mightily in the middle of a fuck fest ! ``

I expected the 'Die gentile ,'bullshit but instead he stares at me, `` What about the guns ? '' he says.

'' What a fucking bout them ? '' I asks.

'' changeling ! '' he squeals and he legs it back downstairs, then he comes back up, `` He is beat ! '' he says.

'' So ? '' I enquires, `` So what ? ``

'' So what, he is dead ! '' he says.

'' You got a mystifying frost ent you ? '' I says, `` Get Al to give you a hand. ``

'' They have gone, everyone has gone, just Papa and me and you left. '' he said.

'' Ok, '' I says and starts pulling my kit on, `` I 'll muck in. ``

'' You killed him ! '' he pointed out.

'' So, I ent planning on holding me hands up to the plod am I ? '' I explains, `` In the fridge, stuff half a quintal of pencil lead up his ass and in the canal and Roberts your female parent brother ! ``

'' What the ass are you saying ! '' Imran says.

'' Dump him in the canal, '' I says, `` Anyway what 's the crack ? ``

Amina was struggling back into her tent, `` Hey, '' I says, `` No way am I having my doll wearing that horseshit ! ``

She smiled, maybe she liked the idea of being my bird, `` I have some old stuff, '' she said and she hunted down some jeans and a perspirer and she looked quite tasty.

'' The crack ? '' Imran asks.

'' The shtup plan, '' I says.

'' They are going to spoil up an airplane, '' Amina says, `` It is disgusting, they drop the explosives and a timekeeper in the john on the Frankfort to London leg and then 'Boom ! '' It blows up over the Atlantic. ``

'' Sounds like egg to me, '' I says, `` What if it is delayed ? '' I asks, `` Like Lockerbie ? ``

'' It has a wandering telephone set cap, '' Imran says.

'' Bollocks, '' I says, `` It 's a timer, there 's nowhere for a adequate aerial. ``

'' Ugh ? '' Imran says, `` But ? ``

'' Like you shoves them up your ass and shits them down the bog into the catch tank ? '' I asks.

'' Exactly ! '' Imran says.

'' Up your ass and blows up your ass, '' I corrected, `` Anyway, net ball have a look at the hooey, '' I suggests so we went downstairs.

There was bomb making kit everywhere and then it came to me, we had timekeeper and ass hole size turkey and Al had a Land rover, so we stuffed a bomb calorimeter up the Iman 's ass before validity mortice set in and froze him in the Deepfreeze while we collected all the turkey stuff up together and bagged it for the bin men and then we got Al round after dark and hauled that Iman snatch into the Land Rover and took him up on Ilkley Moor and set the timer.

We set him down behind a I. F. Stone wall and fucked off to hold back for the bang.

Made a pin-up bang it did, there was so practically offal the plod took three twenty-four hours to cultivate out it was only one bloke what dies, well one bloke and an questioning cow.

And that 's the story of the Bang on Ilkley Moor .