Howdy folks, my gens is Wendell Buford, and I live in a little town name of frog Whistle, AR, with my widdered Ma, Mavis Buford, and my sister Priscilla. Now, folk music is always sayin'to me, `` Wendell, you ai n't the acute puppet in the shed, are you ? '' but I reckon I got me a sixth grade education and I can lift all kinds o'heavy stuff and nonsense, so I cai n't complain, 'cause I reckon I get on okay.

Now like I said, my Ma is a widder, on account o'my daddy got himself runned over by a tractor when I was just a little minor. Yep, 'parently it was a one hundred sixty-five horsepower John Deere with a power take-off attachment, and I reckon you gon na get yourself run down by a tractor it may as well be a fine bit o'American engineerin'like that there, but I guess that were n't a good deal consolation to my pop, 'cause word is he never even saw it comin', which may ingest had a lot to do with a few shots of Virgil Arthur Tatum 's Indian corn booze under his belt. See, folks around here is always sayin'you get a belt or two of old Virgil 's jungle juice 'cross yer breast, and you 'd be doin'good if you could spot a whole team o'fuzz elephants in the ruttin'season, even if you was lookin'fer 'em. Anyway, after we lost my daddy, my Ma brung Priscilla and me up all on her lonesome, but I reckon she done OK at it.

Now my Ma 's got a first cousin-german called Abe Driscoll, but I always call him Uncle Abe 'cause he 's been like a uncle to me my whole born days. Uncle Abe lives in a cabin up there in the hills a fashion out of townsfolk, with my cousin Betsy-Jo and my Granma McCutcheon. Now, you see'ol'Uncle Abe 's been widdered himself, 'cause my Aunt Patsy died of the consumption way back when I was so Lester Willis Young I cai n't hardly remember her, so after she passed, Granma McCutcheon moved in with Uncle Abe so 's she could help out with raisin'up Betsy-Jo.

Now bein'if Uncle Abe is my ma 's get-go cousin, then technically that makes him my endorsement cousin, but like I said, he 's just like a uncle to me, but I guess that means Betsy-Jo is really my one-third cousin, but ethnic music do n't go puttin'too many phone number on affair like that out this way. Anyways, bein'full cousin, Betsy-Jo and me was genuine close as tyke. We played together, we run together, we fought together, we wrassled together, we fished together, matter of fact, most anything two kids can do together, I reckon we done it together, 'cause like I said, we was real close.

Now, verity is I guess Granma McCutcheon and me ai n't really related by blood, but out where we hails from, folk is category, so I just call her Granma. Matter of fact, I reckon if I called her by anything else she 'd whale my butt with that big black skillet of hers, so I reckon I 'll just keep on callin'her Granma fer the duration, 'cause it 's safer that way. You see, Granma McCutcheon got herself widdered too when she was real young, and I reckon life-time 's been toilsome fer her, and it 's done took its toll, 'cause she can be a little testy. In fact, sayin'she was downright cantankerous would n't be putting'too a good deal exaggeration on it. Old Uncle Abe is always sayin'you just got ta sentinel yer p 's and q 's around Granma, and that may be so, but I reckon there 's a whole lotta other letters in that there alphabet you wan na be keeping a rattling near eye on too, 'cause like I said, it do n't get hold of much.

Another thing about Granma McCutcheon, she learned herself how to be a doctor a few year back. You see, we ai n't had a regular physician turn these character fer a long time but ol'Mr Winthrop, the county vet, is usually more'n happy to tend to any ailments as folks comes along with, even though he learned his doctorin'craft on animal and livestock, but when he 's got a wino on he can be a little laborious to get a clench of. So, Granma McCutcheon figured she could get wind doctorin'and fill up the slack. Way she done it, she learned herself doctorin'out of a Scripture she got on mail order, called, `` Fresnel 's health check almanac. '' She 's been doctorin'in her redundant time fer a few years now, and I reckon she can furbish up up there with the best of 'em these days. She even throws in a full service, and gives folks a disembarrass tea-leaf readin'after their doctorin'session is done. So, that 's all about Granma McCutcheon, straight up.

Anyway, this here story starts a direction back one time when I was stayin'over at Uncle Abe 's space, so 's I could help with the shingles on the roof. We was up on that ceiling all mornin', and it was gettin'muscular hot up there, so Uncle Abe said we ought to cause ourselves a spell. So me and Uncle Abe clumb down off of the roof, and Uncle Abe went to the kitchen to do himself a pot of coffee berry, and that left me all on my lonesome.

Now, one matter about fixin'zoster, it always puts me in the mood fer wrasslin', so I went off to count fer Betsy-Jo. Now that might sound strange, bein'Betsy 's a daughter and all, but I done whooped all the former lad around these persona and Betsy 's awful impregnable fer a girl and she 's whooped most of 'em herself, so she gives me more of a challenge when we goes in fer wrasslin'together, so that 's why I went lookin'fer her. I knew Betsy 'd be off in the woods someplace, making favorite of them wild critters like she does, so that 's where I went lookin'fer her.

I done looked all over them Sir Henry Joseph Wood but I could n't notice Betsy-Jo no place, so I went back a different way, past the old swimmin'hole, where Betsy-Jo and me used to go scrawny dippin'. We had n't done no skinny dippin'fer a farseeing while, but when I got closer I could hear Betsy-Jo a-splashin'around in the swimmin'hole, and talkin'to them wild critters like they was gon na lecture right back to her, but I could n't see nothin''cause there was a whole lotta Dubyuh 'twixt me and the swimmin'pickle. I found a gap in them bushes, and I stuck my foreland through. I was about to holler out to Betsy-Jo to see if she was up fer some wrasslin', but what I seen gave me a big surprise.

Now, it were n't no storm to see Betsy-Jo in her natal day suit, on account of that 's how folks dress when they 's a skinny-dippin', but what plumb took me by surprise was how different Betsy looked since the last time I seen her like that. She was all rounded out and curvy lookin'and them bosom of hers was like two grapefruits hangin'off of her breast, only they was n't really hangin', it was more like they was pointin'unbent ahead at me, and down where her beak woulda been if she was a fellow, there was this trigon of gold coloured hair. issue of fact it was Betsy-Jo kickoff told me girl ai n't got woodpecker, back when we went skinny-dippin'the first time.

I remember she shucked off her clothes that first time we went skinny-dippin', and I looked at her and I said, `` Betsy-Jo ! What happened to yer peter ? '' and she said, `` Do n't you be silly Wendell. Girls ai n't got peckers. ''

'' Well, '' I said, `` how do y'all pee ? '' suit I really wanted to know how a soundbox could pee without no pecker, and Betsy-Jo said, `` Easy, Wendell, we just squat down and do it care a lady. '' Then she said, `` Only thing is I cai n't establish you how we do it on account statement of Granma McCutcheon tol'me it ai n't good style to hunker down and pee in front of phratry. She said y'all got to look till their backs is turned and do it when they ai n't lookin .'''

fountainhead, I said, `` That 's alright, Betsy. I know what y'all look like, and I know what squattin'down looks like, and I know what peein'expression like, so if I put them four things together in my head, I reckon I know what you squattin'down to pee looks like, '' and Betsy-Jo said, `` See Wendell, you ai n't nowhere near as silly as folks 's always sayin'. ''

Anyway, that was way back, but this particular day, I was so plumb surprised at how different Betsy-Jo was lookin'that when I tried to squall out to see if she was up fer some wrasslin', it was like my throat was all dry and squeezed out of shape, and there were n't no sound comin'out. I swallowed some spit to wet my throat again, and I took me a breath to start hollerin', but I heard Granma McCutcheon back at the cabin. She was hollering herself that lunch was on the table and how it ai n't gon na eat itself, so we better get ourselves back there else the grunter is gon na be eatin'up big today.

fountainhead, one matter I like considerably than wrasslin', and that 's eatin', so I high-tailed it back to the cabin fer some of Granma McCutcheon 's possum gritrock and hog jowls, with a English of biscuit. I reckon I was already on seconds when Betsy-Jo got back with her clothes on.

Me an'Uncle Abe never got back up on that roof that day, but the next day we was up there most of the mornin', finishin'off them shingles and when that was done we tended to a few other task needed doin'about the place, and then it was time fer more of Granma McCutcheon 's home cookin'. After we finished lunch, Uncle Abe went out to the strawman porch to set on the two seater swingin'chair with a pot of coffee tree, and Betsy-Jo went back into the woods to play with her critters again. Then Granma McCutcheon went out to churn up some lye soap, and that left me all on my lonesome again.

That belly full of Granma McCutcheon 's possum puree and sow belly with white turnip commons was Tarawa-Makin'me feel like I could use a little nap, so I done laid down on Uncle Abe 's big ol'bed, and I laid there a jot, thinkin'about stuff in my fountainhead. I got to thinkin'about yesterday, and how dissimilar Betsy-Jo was lookin'over at the swimmin'fix. I was thinkin'about them breast of hers, eyeballin'me like they was, and how she turned her back to me to take the air out the other English of the swimmin'hole, and I remembered that her prat was all curved out like some kinda prize-winnin'autumn pumpkin at the county funfair. Then, all of a sudden, I realised that my pecker was gettin'all swoll up. Well, first-class honours degree thing I thought, I must hold got bit on the pecker by a Hydra, 'cause I could n't recollect of no other understanding fer my pecker to get all swoll up like that. I looked around, but I could n't see no snake anywhere, but I remembered something Uncle Abe told me one day about what to do if you ever get bit on the leg by a snake.

Uncle Abe told me if y'all ever get bit on the leg by a snake, you got to get this here thing called a, `` torny-kay, '' and put it on yer leg, so 's the poison do n't go spreadin', else that leg 's gon na fall right off. Well, I sure did n't want my pecker fallin'off causa I 'd give birth to squat down to pee like a girl so I looked around, but I could n't see nothin'to use fer a torny-kay. I was real sure I did n't desire that poisonous substance spreadin', but I did n't have no torny-kay to put on my pecker, so I got me a notion to wedge on my pecker so 's it would n't scatter nowhere, so, I squeezed real hard on my pecker.

fountainhead, my pecker was swoll up hard as hickory by now, but when I squeezed on it, it kind of felt beneficial, so I squeezed a slight harder and it felt a trivial better. Well, it seemed that the harder I squeezed, the better it felt, and then I got this early notion to rub on it while I was squeezin'on it. Well, I started rubbin'on my tool while I was a squeezin'on it, and that felt even honest than just squeezin'on it did, so future affair I knew, I was rubbin'and squeezin', and squeezin'and rubbin', and it just felt better'n, full'n better, and before long, it felt so proficient I took to breathin'rattling hard, too.

well, I was a-layin'there on Uncle Abe 's bed, squeezin'on my prick, and rubbin'on my neb, and huffin'and puffin'while I was squeezin'and a- rubbin', and I reckon I was breathin'so intemperately I musta sounded like that big ol'steam locomotive engine over there at the baseball bat Mill, and it just kept feelin'better and better all the time. Then, somethin'mighty strange happened, make all that rubbin'and squeezin'on my pecker felt so good I just did n't know what was going on, and it felt almost too good, and all of a sudden, I thought I pissed myself.

I laid there a second, wondering what just happened, and I looked down at my jeans and there was a big wet speckle on the front, so I looked inside and there was all this white goo come out of the end of my tool. Now I was real scared, 'cause I remembered the snake again, and I figured it must have been the toxicant makin'all that Caucasian clobber come out of my pecker. Then I remembered somethin'else Uncle Abe done told me about when you get bit on the leg by a snake. He said that if you ever get bit on the leg by a ophidian you better get some doctorin'actual quick.

Well, I remembered Granma McCutcheon goes in fer doctorin'in her spare time, so I jumped up and ran out the back, hollerin'fer Granma McCutcheon to serve me. I was hollerin', `` Granma ! Granma ! I need yer help ! I done been bit on the pecker by a snake, and it got all swoll up. I squeezed on it to check the toxicant from spreadin'so 's my prick would n't fall off and all this here while stuff and nonsense come out the end of my pecker, and I need yer help Granma ! ''

I ran around to the spinal column yard and Granma McCutcheon was stirrin'up a big pot of lye soap. I said, `` Granma ! You got ta help me. A snake done bit me on the prick and I squeezed on it to block off the poison and white stuff come out the end of my tool and I need you to do some doctorin'on me 'cause I do n't require my cock fallin'off or I 'll get to scrunch down to pee like a missy ! ''

Granma McCutcheon stopped her stirrin', and she hollered, `` What in the blue sky blazes is got into you boy ? ''

I said, `` Granma ! I think a snake bit me on the pecker cause it got all swoll up ! I squeezed on it to stop the poison spreadin'and white stuff come out the end. I think the toxicant 's done somethin'to my pecker so I need you to do some o'your doctorin'on it ! ''

Granma McCutcheon laid the stirrin'spoon against the inside of the pot and she walked over to me, and she said, `` Wendell, you are a special kind of unintelligent ! ''

I said, `` Thanks Granma, but I need help with my pecker, not regard. ''

Granma McCutcheon looked down at the front of my blue jean, and she shook her head, and she said, `` Wendell, ai n't cipher ever learned you about the dame and the bees ? ''

I said, `` Granma, this ai n't no time fer talking about insect and flyin'critters. I need aid with my pecker ! ''

Granma McCutcheon said, `` No, Wendell, what I 'm tryin'to say is, ai n't your Ma never told you the facts of spirit ? ''

Now I was tangible confused, grounds only facts I ever knowed about was what 's in them 'cyclopaedia books my Ma keeps on the bureau in the parlor elbow room, so I said, `` Granma, I do n't cognize what yer talkin'about but I need aid with my pecker tangible bad. I think a snake done bit it and it might diminish off. ''

Well, Granma reached up and she grabbed me by the ear, and she walked around to the figurehead of the cabin, and I followed her 'cause there ai n't much else you can do when Granma McCutcheon 's got you by the ear like that. We got around to Uncle Abe, settin'on the roadster swingin'professorship on the front porch, and he stood up, and he said, `` Granma, what 's goin'on ? This boy been sassin'you again ? I done told you before, Wendell, you go sassin'yer Granma and she 's likely to get cantankerous real quick. That 's a side of her you oughta stay right away from if you can. ''

Granma McCutcheon let me go by the ear and she said, `` No, Abe, it ai n't nothin'like that at all. Seems as how cipher ai n't never tell apart this boy where baby comes from. And bein'you 're the man of this household, that 's somethin'that falls on your shoulders. ''

Uncle Abe sat back down and said, `` Well, Granma, I 'd be right proud to convey on that province. Then he said, `` Wendell, '' and he patted the seat next to him on the swingin'professorship. I sat down, but I was kinda confused 'cause Uncle Abe do n't do no doctorin', and Uncle Abe said to Granma McCutcheon, `` So if y'all excuse us, Granma, me and Wendell is goin'to get us a farseeing talk. ''

Granma McCutcheon turned and walked around the back. I heard her mutterin'somethin'about, `` bighearted poor fish I ever did see, '' so I knew she was talkin'about me cause `` poor fish '' is a kinda pet figure she sometimes has fer me.

Well me and Uncle Abe sat there on that swingin'chair that day, and we had us a longsighted talk of the town like he said. He told me all form of real interestin'stuff about peckers, and lady, and how cock and dame goes together, and how when a blighter and a lady gets to likin'each other a unanimous lot in a picky kinda way, a cuss 's pecker gets all hard and swoll up like mine was when I thought a snake bit it. He said a lady 's got this particular seat 'twixt her peg, and when the cuss and the Lady gets to likin'each other a whole lot like that, and the fellas'pecker gets all swoll up and hard, the gent puts his pecker inside the lady 's special seat and he goes into sawin'on it, and it feels existent good for both of 'em.

He said that when yer pecker gets all swoll up, it 's called a `` ee-rection, '' and puttin'yer putz inside a lady 's special blank space feels a hundred clip better than just squeezin'on it like I done, and that white stuff that comes out the end is like a man 's source. He said that Lady 's got eggs up inside of 'em, and when that seminal fluid gets on them eggs it turns them into a baby and that 's where babies comes from. kingdom sakes ! Who would of thought babies come out of testicle ?

Uncle Abe told me the proper name for that white stuff that comes out the end of your pecker is called, `` cum, '' but some folks call it, `` jism, '' even though, `` cum, '' is the watchword that polite folks use. `` Matter of fact, '' he said, `` you can tell a lot about the way a man 's been brought up by gettin'him to verbalise about what comes out the end of his peckerwood. '' He said, `` If he calls it, 'jism ,'y'all know he ai n't been well brought up and you probably need to be thrifty of him from then on. ''

Uncle Abe told me that puttin'your dick up inside a lady 's extra place like that is called, `` makin'love, '' and just hearing them two words together like that, `` Tarawa', '' and, `` love, '' made it sound real special. He said that sometimes folks want to, `` make beloved, '' and get them real good feelin 's, but they do n't need no infant comin'along, so the bloke goes to the drug depot and buys this here thing called a, `` rubberjohnny, '' and he puts it over the end of his pecker so 's the cum do n't go up inside the ma'am and get all over her ballock.

Uncle Abe told me that there 's some rules about which lady 's exceptional berth a fella can put his pecker in. He said, `` Right away, sisters are out. You cai n't put your putz in your babe 's special billet, '' but then he said, `` Truth be told, though, some family around these parts is a jot casual about that rule. '' Then he said, `` Likewise, your Ma. You cai n't put your pecker inside your Ma 's special place, neither, cause that 's agin the pattern, too. Same goes for your aunts, and close cousins. ''

Uncle Abe said, `` Matter of fact, you ai n't supposed to form be intimate with any of your blood kin, '' but he kind of scratched on his stubble a jot and he said, `` But come to think of it, there ai n't no rules say you cai n't do it with your gran. '' He must have seen the feeling on my font cause for a present moment I was picturin'Granma McCutcheon out there in the back curtilage, stirrin'up her lye soap, and he considered on it a round or two, and said, `` You know, Wendell, it takes all sort to make this reality, but I reckon a man could go a awful foresightful ride 'fore he get along across too many fellas that 's got any kinda hankerin'to piss love with their granma. ''

Anyway, old Uncle Abe done such a delicately job of explainin'to me all about pecker and ladies that day that when he asked me if I had any interrogative, only one that come to take care was I said, `` Uncle Abe, what do they call that there special place twixt the lady 's leg ? ''

Uncle Abe said, `` Well, Wendell, it goes by all kinds of epithet, all depends who yer talkin'to, and some of them names ai n't really fit fer civil fellowship. '' He considered on it some, and he said, `` Medical folk, they call it the, 'angina ,'but the public figure you 'll most commonly hear it called by is, 'the twat. ''

'' The pussy ? '' I said, `` Now why in the reality would folks go calling it after a little ol'pussycat cat ? ''

Now, Uncle Abe has been around some, and I think he 'd even been outside of frog tin whistle once or twice, and he looked at me, gave me one of them smiles says he was a man of the world, and he said, `` Cause, Wendell, if you treat it right, it 'll purr like a kitty. ''

I said, `` How do y'all treat it right, Uncle Abe ? ''

He said, `` Well, before you go puttin'yer tool inside a lady 's pussy like that, she likes y'all to kinda caress it a little, you know, real gentle like. That kinda gets her in the temper for you to horn in yer peter in there and start sawin'on it. '' He paused, like he was makin'sure I was payin'attention, and he leaned in a little and said, `` But the best way to handle a noblewoman 's pussy right wing is to get up close and personal with it, give it a little kissin', and bit o'lickin'. ''

'' Lickin'? '' I said, `` How can y'all go lickin'down there where she pees ? ''

Uncle Abe said, `` That 's the strangeness of it boy. I know it do n't sound rightfulness putting your natural language down there, but a lady 's pussy is the sweetest matter y'all are ever gon na gustation, and once you smelt one, you ai n't never gon na be the Saame again. '' I figured for moment Uncle Abe was only joshin'about lickin'down there on a lady 's special place, but he said, `` I ai n't jokin', Wendell. You just wait and see. ''

So after Uncle Abe was all finished learnin'me all about cock and ladies, he said, `` Now, Wendell, I want y'all to remember that there ai n't no reasonableness to be ashamed of yer bill going all firmly and swoll up like that. It means you 've growed into a man, and you should be proud of that there pecker o'yours. ''

I said, `` Okay Uncle Abe, adjacent meter it gets all swoll up I 'm gon na be existent proud of it. ''

Anyway, me and Uncle Abe finished up our farseeing talk, and I walked away knowin'I was now a man, with a pecker that could swell up fit to bust. I reckoned it would n't be too long 'fore I 'd meet me a lady that liked me in that item way and she 'd be wantin'me to put my bill up there inside her special stead and accept to sawin'on it. Later on that afternoon, I was thinkin'about gentlewoman and nib again, and future matter I knowed, my pecker was all swoll up again, only this time instead of being scared it was gon na fall off, I was right proud of it.

I reckoned Granma McCutcheon 'd be veracious proud of me too if I went out and showed her, so I went into the kitchen with my jeans all poked out from my swoll up pecker, and I said, `` expect at me Granma ! I 'm a man ! Look how hard my pecker 's gone ! ''

well, I reckon Granma musta been in one of her ornery modality that day, 'cause she took one look at me and grabbed her big blackness frying pan, and said, `` Wendell, you put that durn thing away 'fore hit you 'round the head with this skillet so hard, by the time you remember what it 's dear fer, you 'll be too old to use it. ''

Well, I ran out the kitchen real quick, 'cause I seen in the past how ready to hand Granma McCutcheon is with that frypan of hers, and then I considered on it for a while, and I reckoned that it must be 'cause she ai n't got no blighter to put his pecker in her special home no more, so maybe peckers is a sore point with her when they 's a-swoll up like that.

So that there 's the report of how I got learned all about peckers and peeress by my Uncle Abe. I ai n't found me a lady yet that wants to, `` make passion, '' with me, but now that I got me a sixth score education, I reckon I 'm one of them, `` eligible bachelor, '' folks talk about, and pretty soon there 'll be ma'am linin'up for me to get going into sawin'on 'em, so I 'll just bide my clock time.

So, y'all just think of, come back real soon, ya hear ?