Hannah.

'' Ah overlord Pinkerton ? '' an emboldened mature lady around my mother 's age accosted me as I lounged amiably enough with my cronies at the missy Fotheringay 's ball at Southam Courtenay, `` Have you met my daughter mollie ? ``

I looked past the matron and there through the fug of tipsiness I believed I beheld an Angel, a neat vision in gleaming virginal white, and at second glimpse an improbably plump one, `` No, I have n't had the pleasure, '' I agreed uncertainly for the sweet Mull-berry vino had had its effect on me.

'' I should go for not ! '' Algy declared, `` For she may have two legs, two arms, two bosoms and two eye, though remarkably dis similar, but two Kuki Johnno, well you must drag a note somewhere ! ``

'' Ah, '' I agreed with a content burp, `` Indeed. ``

Poor Molly turned and fled as fast as her considerable bulk would allow.

'' You sir are an abomination ! '' the mother averred.

'' Fattening her up for Christmas, '' Bobby Fawkes chipped in, `` I like a plump bird at Christmastime ! ``

'' I 'd care to sit down, '' I suggested as I regretted mixing French and English vino so early in the evening.

'' You slight me sir ! '' the matron avowed.

'' Tell me, '' I asked, `` You have but one chin, a melt off weasel like face, a narrow waist, thin spindly stage beneath that surgical gown I 'll wager, so how did you bear a baby elephant for a girl ? '' It was said by way of an honorable search for the truth.

'' I shall not stay to be insulted ! '' the matron replied.

'' Oh, shall you go elsewhere ? '' Bobby enquired.

'' Oh it was no revilement Madam, '' Algy insisted, `` No Johnno seeks to bed you. ``

She half smiled, `` Indeed, then I shall inform my married man, Lord Garth. ``

'' That groovy oaf, '' Samuel Verney added, `` I should quake in my bang if it were me. ``

'' Madam, '' I added, `` I have no heavy desire to make fuck to you, '' I insisted, `` Though I should certainly prefer you in my bed to that great ox of a daughter, for she would surely break the bed systema skeletale ! '' It seemed comic at the time, you understand but the next thing Algy had to step forward to stop the matron striking me.

I can not think much of the eve after that, but in the voluminosity of time I awoke in a bed in the Red Leo Inn in Southam Whiston with the sun high in the noon day sky and the tobacco pipe and drum set of the Caithsby reserves playing inside my skill.

'' Oh my head, '' I croaked.

'' So you are not dead ? '' an unfriendly female voice boomed around inside my skull.

'' No lady. '' I agreed, `` Though if I spent the nighttime with you I wish I were. ``

'' Indeed, '' she boomed,

'' Can you please proceed the noise down. '' I asked, `` My head word is bursting ! ``

'' You insulted my daughter Molly, '' she insisted.

'' Oh god, Mrs Garth, '' I groaned.

'' Lady Garth, '' she corrected me, `` What do you intend to do about it ? '' she demanded.

'' Absolutely nothing madam, for she is fat as a pig, '' I explained, `` I own I 'd rather buss a pig than molly, on account of the lesser telephone number of chin they display. ``

'' Very well then, '' she said and began to shout, `` Unhand me you drunken oaf, '' and with theatrical style she tore at her bodice and through its fine quaity and exquisite needle work she dislodged but one solitary button where she sought to reveal her bosoms to kick view.

'' Lord Pinkerton I am a married woman ! '' she protested and right on cue my door opened and there were Molly and the Inn keeper 's maid as witness and God Almighty Garth himself, a fallible creature of apparently octogenarian vintage though in truth he was but sixty such it was said was the rapacity of madam Garth 's dark meter demands that he had aged twenty years in the first of all six months of marriage.

'' Hold hard young Pinkerton, why are you dallying with the mem sahib ? '' he asked.

'' No idea sir, '' I explained, `` Your daughter is fat as a pig sir, '' I said inelegantly, `` gentlewoman Garth came to remonstrate.

'' Carry on then, '' he said from the doorway.

'' dad God Almighty Pinkerton has shown full disrespect for myself and our class, '' Molly cried.

'' But you are as fat as a pig dearest, '' Creator Garth admitted and nodding towards his wife he continued, `` And view that one for she 'll eat you alive sir, '' he added as an after thought.

'' But my honour, challenge him Lee Harvey Oswald, '' Lady Garth insisted.

'' Challenge, why he would win hands down, '' overlord Garth averred, `` No you challenge him if you see fit, I am taking a walk around the park, trade good day. ``

Lady Garth stared in disbelief, `` He, '' she started to say.

'' Is a very wise man, gentlewoman Garth, '' I added, `` May I wish you good day ? ''

'' No indeed you may not ! '' Lady Garth insisted, `` Not until this subject is settled. ``

I groaned, my nous was far from cleared yet, `` Then allow me some privacy that I may clothe, ''
I asked reasonably enough.

'' No, I shall remain, '' Lady Garth insisted.

'' Then so be it, '' I suggested and I pulled my dark shirt clean over my question to stand naked, sadly unaware that my pal had writ `` Pinkertons Prong a shilling an hour, '' across my belly in lamp black in the depths of the night.

'' Oh ! '' Lady Garth cried in surprisal, `` Its huge ! ``

'' Oh, its vast ! '' cried mollie in consternation,

'' Oohh, its vast, '' the maid said admiringly as sensing the olfactory property of a charwoman my prong raised himself to his full-of-the-moon eight inches and more than of extension.

'' Put it away sir you will frighten the horses, '' Lord Garth said as he returned to seek the cause of the hoo-ha, `` Or else do someone an injury. ``

'' Ooohh yes what an injury, '' the maidservant simpered.

'' Damn it where 's me breeches, '' I cursed as my Nox shirt descended to robe itself around the root of my prong leaving him straining still.

'' Marigold, occlusive staring, '' Lord Garth councelled, `` Wife come away ! '' he repeated.

'' Mummy did he do it ? '' a fresh part asked.

I looked an another maid had appeared, dressed in a simple white sack, her face like the female parent perhaps yet 20 years her Jr, dispirited eyed and blonde of fuzz, svelte where the sister was porcine, well proportioned where the babe was hoggish, fair of side where the sister was distinctly porcine, and she regaled my prong with a steely gaze as her hair flowed untamed around her shoulders.

'' take care away miss ! '' Almighty Garth cried, but to no avail and though I knew it not at once the maidservant was smitten.

'' Uh, it 's huge ! '' she said, `` Poor Mummy ! ``

'' Hannah ! '' Lady Garth cried, `` Look away, rule men are not so well endowed, so fear not. ``

'' Earl Marchington ? '' Hannah asked.

'' How should I do it, probably not, '' Lady Garth blushed, `` My Hannah is betrothed to Earl Marchington. ``

'' What old Freddie ! '' I asked.

'' No the old duffer, '' Hannah admitted, `` Freddie 's daddy, '' she continued, `` He is rich people, we are not. ``

'' Your daughter is most forward sir, '' I suggested as I tried to traverse my prong even as the throng pushed into my way as more unite to inquire the commotion.

'' I 'd be wed by now if only molly would get herself betrothed, '' Hannah argued.

'' Oh I see ! '' the fog cleared, slowly, `` And I have the only prong long enough to penetrate the voluptuous hillock of shape that protect molly 's ah, respect ? ``

'' Yes in a nut casing. '' Lord Garth suggested.

'' Just get out all of you ! '' I demanded.

'' Then I demand one century guineas of I shall report that you abused me carnally in the Nox ! '' Lady Garth said triumphantly.

'' Did I ? '' I queried, `` How ? ``

'' Oh what a question ! '' she snorted.

'' Indeed, '' Creator Garth confessed, `` There are an hundred and more that will attest to waking up with my lady Garth. ``

'' muteness you imbecile, '' noblewoman Gath replied, `` You make me sound like a sporting lady ! ``

I looked around, there were seven crowded into the tiny room, the box bed and ward robe encroached further and there was still no sign of my breeches, nor undergarments.

'' And where exactly do you hypothecate we conjoined ? '' I asked. `` On the storey ? '' I spread my sleeve wide indicating there was an insufficiency of space, `` Or in the box bed ? '' I enquired.

'' On the bed of class ! '' the mother insisted.

'' And where should your spreading legs go ? '' I asked.

'' Oh, indeed, '' master Garth agreed, `` The side of the box bed would impinge most painfully. ``

'' With mama on top then, '' Hannah declared.

'' Really, '' I enquired and I lay back on the bed and showed just how tightly the sides fitted me, `` And where would her knee go. ? ``

There was a rustle of linen, a White River saint appeared and leapt upon the bed like a playful gun dog, `` Like so ! '' Hannah insisted, and she planted a human knee each side of my hip bones.

'' Your mother is neither svelte nor agile as you ! '' I declared.

'' But it is possible, '' Hannah insisted.

'' Hannah get down this instant ! '' ma'am Garth cried, `` You are betrothed ! ``

But it was all too late for she began to sink down, as as she did she pulled her switch and mine so that no one saw my prong slideway up the front line of her abdomen and all believed I had pronged her.

'' Hannah ! '' gentlewoman Garth cried, `` Get off him this jiffy

'' Stupid girl ! '' Almighty Garth added.

'' She must have a emptiness like a cow if she could rent that without a whimper, '' the maidservant observed.

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` Had I impaled her the completely humans would let heard. ``

'' I stifled my screaming, '' Hannah suggested as she bounced ineffectually upon my loins.

'' You could n't possibly, '' I said, `` I won best prong three terminal figure running at school ! ``

'' Yes I could ! '' she insisted.

'' prevaricator ! '' I replied.

'' Yes I could ! '' she challenged again, and in one ill advised bowel movement I raised her up and as she fell I guided my prong towards her hymen, it parted with a scream that sent crows scattering a mile hence, `` Aggghhhhhh ! '' she cried, `` Desist I beg of you or I shall never walk again ! ``

'' The pain will pass soon enough, '' I suggested.

'' I can not bear it, '' she said and the tear flowed.

'' Just check still, '' I suggested as I sobered very quickly, `` Perhaps your honour is entire ? '' I asked hopefully.

'' With half your prong inside her I think not ! '' ma'am Garth insisted.

'' Half ! '' Hannah cried and as she stilled she found herself sinking agonisingly ever further onto my prong, providing me with such recherche pleasure that I could moderate myself no far and I lay back eyes closed to savor the moment of expulsion.

'' Oh no, do n't you dare ! '' madam Garth exclaimed but suddenly my lumbus were pumping and a dry quart and more of my stickiness surged forth within poor Hannah.

'' Ohhhh, '' she gasped, `` mama ! ``

'' He 's claimed you you idiot ! '' lady Garth cried, `` come away, quickly, you saw nothing nothing do you hear ! '' she insisted.

'' Oh, '' Hannah exclaimed when the room access finally shut.

'' Oh indeed, '' I agreed.

'' I am, '' Hannah said quietly, `` Undone, ''

'' No thing, '' I suggested, `` Get old Marchington rummy and he 'll never be any the wiser. ``

'' Was that only three parts in ? '' she asked.

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` But climb off before I stiffen again. ``

'' Perhaps, '' she said, `` I do n't want to, for when shall I ever see a prize winning prong again ? ``

'' You Minx ! '' I cried, `` You Jezebel, '' but my prong was resurgent and spear upward into her well lubricated innards with the greatest of ease.

'' Ohhh, '' she gasped at the renewed intrusion, `` It 's vast ! ``

'' Is it too much ? '' I asked.

'' Perhaps ? '' she said, `` Perhaps not. ``

'' It 's not all the way in, '' I explained

'' Really ! '' she queried, `` It feels like it is, and more ! ``

'' No, it 's, the family curse, '' I explained, `` Few fair sex can take the whole of a Pinkerton prong, those that can are whores, '' I added, `` I am cursed never to find the double-dyed woman who can take in my integral length. ``

'' Then I am greatly relieved, '' she said and went to bring up herself up but in doing so she slipped and slid down my prong even more, `` Nooooo, '' she wailed but to no result for she was so moist she slid right down to the very root of my prong, `` Like that ? '' she asked.

'' Oh gosh yes, oh girl Garth, I am enraptured.

'' I am impaled, I fear the pain will never subside, '' she protested.

'' Bear it stoically for indeed it will go by and for myself, '' I admitted, `` I am in complete go and in a moment I shall console your inner most office. ``

'' No you must not, '' she protested, but my cream was already boiling forth from my loin, `` delight I pray, '' she continued, `` No, oh Creator no, '' and a outstanding flood gushed from me and I saw angels and the whole heavenly host clapping and cheering and Hannah 's side had not the appearance of someone in pain, oh no far from it, she was as enraptured as I.

'' I fear I shall never walk properly again, '' she observed, `` You have ruined me utterly, '' she protested, `` No man shall desire me now. ``

'' And you have shown even a slender cleaning lady might take my duration and girth and bring me to the superlative of ecstasy, '' I explained, `` Will you be my whore ? ``

'' Yes ! '' she agreed, as finally she climbed free people of me, `` When I marry the duke I shall chew the fat you regularly. ``

'' Every night ? '' I asked.

'' Oh no, I must drop the nights with my married man, '' she declared, as she tried to stem the flood of my seed busily escaping her.

'' In that sheath espouse me ! '' I challenged.

'' I thank you for the kind offering but, '' she paused, `` I can not think of a single ground to decline, except we do not know one another or like one another or. ``

'' But we do fornicate amiably enough, '' I interjected.

'' And you will go a animation of sobriety ? '' she asked.

'' No, absolutely not ! '' I protested.

'' And check chasing whores ? '' she suggested.

'' Only when you are indisposed, '' I agreed.

'' And will love me ? '' she asked.

'' I can try, '' I agreed.

'' And you will lie and say I am beautiful, '' she asked.

I looked at her, `` There is no need for me to lie, you are beautiful, '' I told her.

'' Then so be it ! '' she agreed, `` I do n't want to wed a duke anyway, he smells. '' she confided and after a desirable geological period she slipped from my room.

I found my clothes at length and dressed as smartly as yesterdays attire would allow and stake forth, my champion had already been apprised of my betrothal by my mean Miss Hannah and I sat down to my meal to answer their taunts.

'' Pinkerton, what meal is this, a late break-fast or an early lunch ? '' some wag asked,

'' I call it Brunch, '' I said, `` And later I shall take senior high school Teadinner. ``

'' Do n't be an idiot ! '' Bobby Fawkes chided, `` Brunch, what a silly notion, but why Pinkers ? '' he asked.

'' She took me globe deep, '' I said, `` Imagine, such a waife like physiognomy yet within there is a cleft of eight inches and Sir Thomas More ! ``

'' Oh ? '' Algy enquired, `` And your means of discovery ? ``

'' I pronged her of course ! '' I declared.

'' Oh ? '' Bobby declared, `` Dash it that 's a tad unsporting what with the duke having his philia set. ``

'' Ah well, '' I said, `` When it comes to demesne they will always be trumped by the prong. ``

'' Easy for you to say Pinkers, '' Sam Verney chipped in, `` But what about those of us with human sizing prongs not the bollocks of a prize crap. ''

'' Well that 's hardly my job is it ? '' I informed them and I tucked into my brunch while wondering if shepherds pie, fried orchis, 1st Baron Verulam and tomato was an entirely wise to alternative for my meal.

The noon came and with it my difference from the Southam Courtenay and its environment and for my regaining home, the to a greater extent enobled having stayed with the girl Fotheringay at Sutton Courtenay Court or the accommodate menage in the grounds and it was from there that a very angry Earl Marchington descended to rebuke me.

'' Pinkerton, where is Pinkerton, '' he demanded his piggy little eyes bulging through immensely thick eyeglasses framed in the thickest frame I ever regaled as he bent his chief up to comensate for his arched back and stumpy thick legs and a belly attestor to seventy years and more of drinking and eating to excess.

'' Here sir ! '' Algy announced even as I tried to steal away the dorsum way.

'' Pinkerton you cad ! '' he cried, `` cum forth that I might have satisfaction ! ``

'' Sir ? '' I said as I had to retrovert to the dining room to look him.

'' You abused my betroth ! '' he accused, `` I demand expiation ! ``

'' Bessie the landlords daughter is very accommodating, '' Bobby Guy Fawkes suggested.

'' expiation sir ! '' he said, `` A duel ! ``

'' Indeed ? '' I enquired, `` Why ? ``

'' You ravished my wench ! '' he insisted, `` prefer your weapon ! ``

'' Prongs at break of day ! '' Algy suggested.

'' You insult me sir, '' the Earl railed. `` I did not come here to be treated with insults ! ``

'' Oh, so precisely where do you go ? '' Algy enquired.

'' Prongs it is then sir, '' I said, `` We shall select two cocotte as like as alike as we may and the one that cries out trashy is the succeeder. ``

'' I meant the tenacious, '' Algy muttered.

'' You sir are depraved, '' the Earl muttered, `` Is the Landlord 's girl abroad ? '' he asked, `` For do you experience I feel stirrings. ``

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` Though she is as ugly as a pig with a fragrance to fit, ''

'' Ah, then this is she ! '' he agreed as he espied a well padded Young cleaning lady waddling towards us, `` might I trouble you for a coquetry ? '' he asked his wooly brainiac mistaking the woman for the Landlord 's daughter.

'' A dalliance ? '' she demanded, `` A trifling ! '' for far from the Landlord 's daughter it was indeed mollie Garth, Hannah 's sister that had come to see me.

'' You mock me ! '' the Earl demanded, `` You think I am incapable ! ''
I nearly burst my sides with the sweat of stifling my laughter

'' No sir, no but a dalliance ? '' she said.

'' Dalliance, pronging, criminal conversation, call it what you will, '' he demanded, `` I have stirrings and I demand expiation ! ``

'' Damn it girl, my Almighty Earl Marchington has needs, '' I insisted, as I almost shook with laughter, `` Disrobe now I say ! ``
'' Earl ? '' she queried, `` Earl Marchington ! ``

'' Indeed, quickly girl, '' he declared, `` I have inspiration ! ``

Fat ugly and slow moving as she was mollie was not entirely dazed, `` Oh then let me console you, '' she lisped, and looked to me for assistance.

'' Disrobe, use my room, no the dining board might suffice. '' I suggested.

'' No ! '' Molly protested, `` I can not ! ``

'' bring a helping hand Pinkerton, before the desire fades ! '' the Earl cried, and before I could oppose both Algy and Bobby had stepped forward and after a seconds thought so Sam came forward and they gently eased Molly towards the dining table, `` Disrobe her man ! '' the Earl cried.

'' For commiseration sake ! '' Molly cried as I watched, `` Unhand me ! '' she cried again but to my disgrace I just stood aside and watched as Molly was pulled towards the table and then reversed against it and rolled on her back and it was the employment of a moment to pull her bird and underskirts up and so reveal her bloated belly and the mass of fur hiding her slot.

The Earl was now scrabbling at his boot lacing, his knickers around his mortise joint and his prong revealed, some four or five inches in duration yet improbably fat like his belly.

I looked at his prong and her belly and back again, it would never do, `` On the edge of the table ! '' I ordered, seeing that the Earl 's prong and defer stood at the Same top or thereabouts and at my bidding so the mating began, a elaborate affair, with Algy holding Molly 's shoulders and Sam and Bobby holding her legs asplayed as the Earl approached with his prong rampant and slid it neatly within the pelt of her time slot.

'' Oh ! '' Molly gasped as the Earl claimed her.

'' Like it do you wench ? '' The Earl asked.

poor mollie, she knew not what to answer so she held her tongue while the Earl amused himself for a few second until his oculus rolled signifying his import of button and at that very moment Molly 's mother stepped into the room.

'' Molly ! '' the mother cried.

'' I say ! '' the Earl cried, `` You might knock ! ``

'' Un hand my daughter ! '' she cried.

'' This is not your daughter this is the Landlord 's maid, '' the Earl cried, `` Can you not see she is fat as an ox and ugly as a wild boar ? ``

'' That sir is mollie my older daughter, '' Lady Garth insisted, `` Now displume your knickerbockers up sir lest the bozo bumps on your prat frightens the gymnastic horse. ``

'' Are you sure ? '' he asked, `` Your girl you say ? '' he asked.

'' Yes ! '' Lady Garth insisted, `` And you barbarians holding poor Molly down ! ''

'' My eye she would be a great solace of a frosty night, '' the Earl confessed, `` Nice and plump and volition. ``

'' You said she was ugly as a pig, my nobleman, '' I reminded him.

'' It matters not when the candles are blown out. '' he agreed, `` look young Pinkerton, lets forget our duelling, you have the thin one and I 'll take the plump one, are we agreed. ``

'' Indeed sir a capital proposition, '' I agreed.

'' Do I have no say in this ? '' Molly asked.

'' No, not if you are to be a Countess ! '' Lady Garth intoned, `` We shall get the name changed on the marriage licence forthwith, is three hebdomad the following Saturday convenient for the wedding party my lord. ``

'' I believe so, '' the Earl agreed, `` Damn it I shall relieve oneself it so. ``

'' But what about me ! '' Hannah protested.

'' I shall marry you ! '' I reminded her.

'' But you are a drunkard and a adulterer ! '' Hannah 's female parent protested.

'' Agreed, but I do have my faults, '' I admitted.

'' And when shall you marry me ? '' Hannah asked.

'' This very moment if you wish, '' I suggested

'' Before the Almighty ! '' she insisted.

'' Ah, '' noble Garth suddenly announced, `` Have a twice celebration, save me a fortune do n't you know.

'' Yes ! '' dame Garth agreed, wistfully, `` You always were a inexpensive skate why not differentiate the world ! ``

'' And where shall we inhabit ? '' Hannah asked.

'' Oh lord knows, '' I replied, `` John Griffith Chaney, or Barsetshire or Scotland, follow the season, '' I explained.

'' But we must settle down, buy a business firm ! '' Hannah insisted, `` An Estate perhaps ! ``

'' Buy another house ! '' I protested, `` Damn it I have four already, Id'rather sell one than buy another ! ``

'' Four houses ? '' she said in amazement.

'' Big ones, hundreds of provincial hovels of course of instruction. '' I admitted, `` I leave all that to my man ! ``

'' Yes well, '' Lady Garth interjected, `` We well know how prone to exaggeration Almighty Pinkerton is. ``

'' Me, exaggerate, '' I protested, `` On the opposite ma'am, I habitually down play my endowment fund so as not to frighten the fillies. ``

'' I do n't mean your prong ! '' Lady Garth explained, `` I mean your wealthiness. ``

'' If Hannah loves me then cloth things will not count. '' I insisted, `` For where else will she find such a fulfilling prong ? ``

'' Is that right mother ? '' Hannah queried.

'' How should I know ? '' the mother asked in embarrassment.

'' Why there is hardly a servant that you have not at some time serviced, '' overlord Grath reminded her, `` Indeed Hannah has the look of Colonel Templeman about her do you not think ? ``

'' No ! '' Lady Garth protested, `` She does not ! ``

'' fountainhead she looks very very well in any case, '' I explained, `` So if you will excuse us I shall cue my dearest of the vantage of marrying me ! '' and I snatched her up and whisked her away to my room and pronged her anew, though it must be admitted that when faced with that awkward box bed and cramped room it proved most efficatious when she sat on the very border of the bed and then as I stood and pronged her so I lifted her authorize from the storey forcing my humanness so deep into her that she squealed and wailed in ecstasy even as she wrapped her legs around me and I walked around the bedroom supporting her solely with my prong and there I found heaven .