Anna was going to stay with me for a month, but that month turned into two. Then three. Now the new year was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not care, of track, as I was madly in honey with her, but the uncertainty had consumed me. Was she a roomy ? Friend ? Lover ? More ?

The clock time to receive"the talk"was that beginning calendar week, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few more than time, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the point of our relationship. Anna did not seem to mind - she clearly did not need it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the window closed. She met Clive at a swap meet in early November. They went on a date. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no longer sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come household a few night a hebdomad. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say matter like,"God, you're such a enceinte guy. You deserve to encounter someone."It killed me. I DID merit it, she was right. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Baron Clive. Fucking Clive.

By December she was talking about finalizing the divorcement from her married man and finding her own home in the new yr. She was very light that she felt like she was a gist to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as clear that I didn't maintenance. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a shot at Noel. Robert Clive was going to his parent's home in Colorado. Anna was driving to encounter him on Dec. 26, but she had no design for Christmastide day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had null to do. I suggested we stay in and drink vino and watch TV. She agreed.

I knew the endowment I got her was important. I mean, just getting her a present was not enough. I needed a statement. There's a remainder between a Quaker endowment and a fan gift. I wanted to get her a lover gift. I wanted a bloody subject matter to be sent in big, boldface, uppercase, thank-the-baby-Jesus letter of the alphabet. No doubt. No confusion.

I got her a couplet of rhomb earrings. It was the variety of thing she'd never get herself. I wrote a words, too. I had facts on how farsighted it takes a ball field to be formed, and how caution and precision and luck had to be exactly right for it to happen. It was a miracle, really. And just as providential, I segued, was how much she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for most of my living, and I wanted to prove her how special she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my pocket, in guinea pig I stumbled. It was my minute. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in suit, you know, I got a safety gift : warmly socks.

So on Christmas day, we were finished with bottle two. She got that happy-kid smiling on her face and said she had gotten me a exhibit. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her way. She was giddy. I grabbed her two gifts and put them behind my back, under the cushion, almost certain I would give her the fan gift, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in typesetter's case, I put the wind cone back there, too.

Phoebe minutes later, she came back to the support way, tears streaking down her side. Baron Clive had hidden a little wrapped box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a pair of endearing diamond earrings. She glided around the room, calling him on her cell to tell him how much she loved them. I swallowed my natural language. piece of tail CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 gift placard to GameStop. I gave her the socks. I had lost the fight, the battle and the war.

***

I had very specific plans for New Year's Eve : I was going to drink heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the liquor store and bought a fifth part of vodka. As I was about to gibe out, I looked at the 70-proof bottle of chintzy hooch and though,"Hmm, is this adequate ?"I bought two. And I don't even drink vodka.

I really wanted to black out before Ryan Seacrest showed his nooky tanned aspect on the screenland. Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. Blonde hair. Highlights. Short. Perfect smile. Extremely nice and polite and beguile and odd. He had always been sweet to me. A real number gentleman's gentleman, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a big glass of liquid toxicant. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing inebriant. Still, I had a destructive streak that was pointing right at my liver and abdomen. I tried to disregard the aroma and took a big gulp.

My esophagus was still burning when my mobile phone rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"Hello ?"

"Is this a bad time ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her vocalisation cracked. I could enjoin she was choking back weeping."I, uh. Are you domicile ? Are you out ?"

"I'm home. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … pick me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Baron Clive he, uh … we had a fight. You know ? I just demand to get place and I left my debit card at plate and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. Look, it's aplomb. Where are you ? I will leave now."

***

Anna did not lecture much on the way home, just a few thank yous. By the meter we got back to the apartment, it was a piddling after 10. She looked stunning, even with her constitution running down her cheeks. Her pissed green dress hugged her breaking ball. I felt underdressed, what with my denim and a t-shirt.

She went back to her room, only to reemerge a picayune before 12. Her pilus was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a compressed T. I wanted to kiss her. It was the outfit she wore the second Nox we were together.

She sat down beside me on the couch. She had a wine glass in her hand and motioned toward my bottleful of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her glass up and sank back, her substructure curled under her. Her eyes were red, but she was no longer crying.

"Do you desire to talk ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a fucking idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"commencement my husband, now Clive. I must have a exceptional attractor to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in CO over the weekend … but his married woman. She called when he was in the john, and I picked up his cellular telephone. She was as storm to found out about me as I was to ascertain out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the nerve to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the night club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her swallow, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the thing is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lying snake. I sensed it. I tried to block it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something pretender. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. Sort of stared. Then a snigger. Then a to the full laugh. I started laughing, too. She spilt a little of her drink on herself and laughed More. We were both doubled over.

"God,"she said, wiping the tears away."You are right. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an moron. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. take care, you WANT to love soul. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad things. There are worse qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on Hope and portion and all that other fairy narrative stuff. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be glad and to require the best in others. We live in a cynical humankind. We need to a greater extent ‘ you,'LE ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her head on my articulatio humeri."You are a good friend,"she said. My nerve sank. I was such a fool. It was five till midnight.

We watched Time foursquare on TV in silence, Anna taking the occasional sip from her wine glass. Her head stayed on my shoulder. We watched the countdown, the happy faces screaming and yelling. When the clock ticked one second, Anna turned and gently grabbed my head, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but naught was like this. It was sweet and gentle and compact with meaning. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her hired hand caressing my buttock. She put down her wine glass and started to move, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the room."No. No."

"What's faulty ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? Kiss you ? I thought you liked that ? We're champion. It's OK …"

"fuck Anna. We are NOT protagonist. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to know I love you, right ? I mean, you are a chic miss. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're friends. I can't drive it."

Tears were in her heart again. I couldn't look at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Baron Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want someone to fuck you and treat you right and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her hand through her tomentum and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not support a gaze. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you love me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"Fuck, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't start now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would make no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the sofa. I folded my hands across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to lose me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my animation, but I can't sit back and lookout man you date guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your job. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can give you what you want. And I can't sit back and view this parade of losers. I can't be your safety net."

"I know."

I covered my eyes with my script, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nose in eighth grade. I brushed the fuzz back, off my forehead. It felt toilsome in the room.

"I am sorry to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my hand again. She pulled it to her chest, against her heart. I turned to await at her."candy kiss me,"she said."osculation me. Let's soma the relaxation out later. I promise. I want this. delight ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a influence peddler. She hated bother in masses. I wasn't certain if this was existent or her way of healing a injury. But I was weak. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex lots, but I am not for sure I had ever made love to someone. I had never connected with individual on a primal level. But I did with Anna that night. It was gentle and raw and emotional. On my couch. As Ryan Seacrest wheel spoke in the background.

I stripped her apparel off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my prick as I wrapped her legs around me. I eased into her, slipping my subdivision around her waist so I could commit her tight against me. It was the first base time I had been completely inside of her. I tried to make the present moment last.

Our body responded to each former. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her rim never left mine. I could taste the table salt from her binge on her lips. Her tongue was aggressive but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my back and kissed me hard. She said my name and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the tab. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my head back so I could see her centre. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A smiling of recognition. I kissed her as I came, my cock exploding into the abysm of happiness and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my lounge, wrapped in a blanket. Her legs wrapped around mine, her head on my chest and her digit playfully running through my hair.

"I think this changes everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able to look at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few s later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my mind raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .