My first tribade Experience

It was late. It was raining. And dark. And cold.

The strait of the folk group wafted down the street from the Flying sawhorse as I nibbled at something that might once have been a cod before it was cremated and sealed in cardboard flavoured sensationalistic concrete and stuffed in newspaper with slices of raw potato.

I opened the pub room access as the north chow premier ( and only ) Lesbian anti paedophile band Boris and the Pedos sang.
"String the bugger up"
"String the bugger up"
"There's naught as vile as a paedophile, so string the bugger up !"An hearing of three clamber heads and an old codger who mistook it for dominos night sat there bored out their skulls.

"All right Johnno ?"Boris the leash singer shouted as her band rested between numbers.

Nearly bald, five five over twenty dollar bill stone, squeezed into surplus large jeans three size too small with a leather jacket what had probably been old when the first human race war was on she was the sort of butch lesbian who got butch lesbians a bad name.

psyche you the way she liked fucking convicted pedos up the ass with a sledge hammer handle made me wonder whether she actually was a lesso. She had cracking freshwater bass baritone voice though, pity she was tone deaf.

"Not so bad, how's it going ?"I asked.

"Not so bad,"she said,"Any favorites ?"

"Bit of verse ?"I suggested,"The gallows tree ?"

"Sit thee down, and rest awhile."
"And learn the lonely pedophile."I started

"As swaying gently in the breeze, he dangles from the gallows tree !"she finished, ah that's poetry.

"You can't bring food in here,"Sandra the barmaid shouted.

"Its from the kebab shop, I don't reckon it counts as food,"I moaned.

"Them fucking cunts hates us,"Harley Charlie, the moped riding chief skinhead announced,"They ought to be intimate off back where the cum from."

"Where fucking Oldham ?"his mate asked.

"Who gives a screwing, lets have a sing song, that old one,"he said drunkenly,"White drop of Dover !"

"We'll chuck Pedos over, the White cliff of Dover, tomorrow just you wait and see."

"We'll get all them dickhead and chuck the eternal rest over after,"I suggested,"Then we'll be fucking Pedo free !"

"You got the words Johnno ?"Boris asked.

"No I just fucking made it up, Jesus fucking christ."I replied.

"brand a snap record,"Charlie said, and he stood up,"motivation a son of a bitch, get the drinks in Nobber."

"Why the nooky do I always get to get the drunkenness in ?"Nobber asked.

"‘ Cause your on benefits, no one else got any cash ?"I suggested.

"nookie hard study, benefits, having to call back to fucking limp."Nobber said, but no one gave a fuck.

"What you having Johnno ?"Sandra asked.

"Anal ?"I suggested.

"To tope not later you filthy bastard !"Sandra retorted and Boris flashed me a pitch blackness look, she must give thought she had pulled.

"scum bag piss,"I said.

"You can make one Stella ‘ cause I know what your like after a few pint eh Mr Floppy !"Sandra laughed.

"All fucking right, it was only once."I stammered as me face went brightly red,"Ever prepare me."

"nookie anything anything any time ?"whoremonger Hunt the bookie from Matson street walked out the bog and started taunting me. Hunt the Cunt as we called him.

"Long as its over 18, and has a cunt and a pulsation,"I protested.

"Like a cow ?"he laughed.

"Technically they has a vestibule not a cunt,"I said using my superior intellect gained from watching pointless roll in the hay game shows and similar crap on pointless nooky day TV.

"Her then,"he said pointing at Boris.

"Fuck off she's a fucking Lesso."I said supportively.

"Fifty quid says you can't."He suggested.

"fifty dollar bill quid each ?"Boris asked.

"Two hundred, make it five !"Richard Morris Hunt the Cunt taunted.

"Christ,"Boris said,"I could use a few pound sterling as it happens."

"Oh for fucks sake,"Hunt sighed,"I was taking the piss."

"We heard,"Harley Charlie chuckled,"What you reckon Johnno ?"

"Yeah, why not, I'm up for it."I lied. Jesus it would be halfway to turning fucking gay. Fucking a fat bald geezer even if it did feature a twat somewhere under the ugly corking folds of belly skin.

"This I just got to see !"Sandra said. What I didn't know was she texted all her couple and said to come round and watch.

"So what's your game ?"Nobber asks James Henry Leigh Hunt the Cunt.

"Just like to see Lesbos sorted out,"he sniggered.

"Wants a share of the CCTV rights more like,"I sighed knowing half of Saudiafuckingrabia had seen my ass bobbing around on some smut duct streamed from the CCTV as I gave Sandra a portion one night after ringlet up.

"Lads what do you assume me for ?"Hunt asked.

"Money grabbing cunt,"Harley Charlie said nicely.

"Yeah well making money's me hobby ennit ?"Hunt laughed,"Go on. I'll make it a sumptuous each."

"I dunno,"I said,"What you reckon Boris ?"

"If your up for it I am."she said,"I need the cash."

"Getting up for its the problem,"I thought to me self as I tried to shut me eyes and think of England, or actually that conniption in Nippon Porno Farm three where the Jap girls all strip off on the parade ground and start doing utilisation until the blokes start fucking them.

It was no ripe, me cock did a passable impersonation of a French S load ( Snail ).

"In the back room ?"I suggested.

"ringlet the room access Sandra,"hunt club suggested.

"screwing that me mates is coming,"Sandra explained.

"Oh fucking jesus."I thought.

"right lets do one more set of can buy me get laid,"Boris called as she twanged a frightful row from her authentic Chinese Scatocaster Guitar, It might have worked serious if she had noticed it was for 120 V not 240 but reading and thinking were not exactly her hard points.

"Buy me a Diamond ring you cunt and you can sleep with me tonight."
"Stick it up me bum you cunt and I'll fix it all seem right.
"reason all I want is,"“ Lots of money and Money can buy me have it away,"
"Can buy me luh-uv,"
she wailed.

Poor old Macker John Lennon must take in been turning in his pit.

Actually the pub was filling nicely.

Boris was starting another set.

"Tie a screwing pedo round the old oak tree
If he fucking dies its all right by me."

"Who writes this dirt ?"hunt asked.

I never admitted anything,"Its satire,"I said.

"Fucking racist,"he said shaking his head.

"Across the sea, where all the priests are pedophiles, ''
"Celibate means the fucking lot are gay."Boris warbled to what might well have been supposed to be the tune to"Danny Boy."

"Christ sake Johnno she'll be on the racialist crap next do something !"Sandra hissed in me lug yap as the pub filled with her mates.

I stepped up to the mike, I got a half decent vocalisation, well it was ok till it broke, sort of split down the middle more like, when me balls dropped."You all know this one,"I shouted and started singing a crapello, that means on me tod.

"The Dew on the meadow, the mist on the stream.
The river runs down to the sea."

"We gather together to greet the break of day
and England belongs to me."

Boris's mate crashed in a few random chords on freshwater bass Guitar which was handy because I started far too highschool

"So bugger the spaniards and sodomize the frog, and bugger the old EEC
The totally fucking Eurozone can get stuff 'cause England belongs to me."

"Italians are pedopiles so are the krauts, the polish have all got VD
So lets get and build an atomic turkey and blow them to buggery."

"And suck them to Bug, and gasconade them to Bug,"

"And blow them to bug er ree !"I finished as a solo and then tried to make a run for it.

"Bloody hell that was fucking brilliant !"this pissed up tart with DD teat and blonde hair straight out of a spray can who might have passed for 25 on a dark Nox where you couldn't see the wrinkles under her eyes cooed as she pressed her titty against me.

Suddenly S Cargo turned to frankfurter, well more ilk Scots heather grip if I'm honest ‘ drive I wont see twenty again in a hastiness like either.

"Ohhh you are a big boy,"she cooed as she cupped me balls through me jeans.

"Its now or never,"I thought as I pulled away from her.

"And now the main upshot,"I said,"Drum whorl please Karen."

"I'm fucking Elsie you blind twat !"the drummer replied but she started smacking hell out of the barrel skins all same.

"Go for it ?"Boris asked.

I nodded.

She pulled down her hide pixilated extra enceinte jean and the bragging roll of pinko belly fat you ever did see cascaded down completely hiding what looked like a tiny pair of garden pink panties.

Me ardor was fading. ( Posh lingo for me cock was shrinking, fast )

"pin it anywhere no one will mark !"Boris hissed as I dropped my pants and pushed her against the bar.

Now any sensible fucker would have rubbered up but I didn't have meter, and anyway plan A was to burgeon forth up somewhere under a axial motion of flabby under her belly button but wouldn't you know John Thomas went straight for the moist slur. I reckon she must take fancied the blonde working girl with the DDs same as I had.

The feeling of me bare prick head on a moist pussy lips is much the like whether its Brianny or Mad Donna or someone what looks like some fuckers grandad and I made the fault of shutting me eyes.

Next fucking thing I was going for it. Fucking JT was in. Right up, that fucking flab was easy as screwing and just flowed out the way. She was truly roll in the hay. I was truly fucked.

"Oh god."I moaned but I never had the sense to stop.

"No don't that feels too overnice, for fucks sake Johnno !"Boris was wailing.

I started going for it, like a fucking terrier against a Duke of Wellington boot, it felt too fucking safe. It was all amiss and then the pressure tone ending dismay went off in me bollocks.

"Ready or not I'm coming !"I shouted and to a bloody big sunshine I shot me load.

"Fake !"someone cried.

"He fucking didn't he slimed me !"Boris protested and she showed three of her roly-poly fingers inside her and dragged them out glistening with spunk.

fucking applause all round, fucking ten stone and a bit weakling and a butch les. It must accept looked hilarious, like one of them little manlike wanderer fucking them huge female black widder spiders except I hadn't been ate yet.

"Pay time,"I said as John Hunt tried to nobble away.

"fair do's you earned it,"he laughed and he flashed a wad of notes. I flicked through.

"And the rest,"I said without counting.

He coughed up another ton or so which brought it just over two luxurious which was fair.

"You really would fuck anything you fucking dirt ball,"Sandra said.

"Fucking pot calling the screwing kettle,"I said,"At least I get a grand not a half of lager and a few chips."

"Too shay,"she said,"Anyway its rubbers for you now, you don't know where that's been."

"screwing morning time after pill, is the belatedly night druggist still open ?"I asked.

"I crumbled two in her vodka and orange,"Sandra said,"Someone has to await after you."

"I know,"I said,"I am grateful."

"Elsie says if I have IVF and have triplets we can get a 3 sleeping room council house straight away,"Sandra said all innocent like.

"Not that fucking grateful,"I said as Boris decided not to disoblige trying to hale her belly back in her dungaree but to cleave the fifth wheel mike up her cunt instead as she launched in to song.

"He's got a Pedo's bollocks in his script,
He's got his cock and ballock in his paw,"and as she sang,
'' He's got a Pedo's egg in his manus, '' again the the interview joined in with.
"And he'll rip the fuckers off !"

"There ain't no room for Pedo's in this state,"they continued.

I'd had enough, I felt sick, that was pretty low fucking a ugly dike Les for money, Ok effective than sweep road or collecting tax or walking the streets like a plod but pretty all-fired low.

I opened the door. There were half a dozen uniforms sheltering in the porch.

"Oh its you Allthwaite,"the Police Sergeant said knowingly,"Off abode ?"

"Nah off down the Mosk for Friday Prayers."I corrected him.

"Its Tuesday,"the serjeant-at-law corrected,"This valet is your real Shirley Temple Black Muslim Gay Lesbian Transsexual fellow member of every bloody minority the nursing home office has ever heard of and plenty more beside, arrest him at your peril."

My reputation had preceded me"Box ticking,"I agreed.

"Just fuck off."He said.

So I did, and they arrested some bloke who came out his gaff in his nightshirt to plain about the row.

Its a good story old world.

And that was me first-class honours degree Lesbian experience .