Blagthorpe, Yorkshire, England 1886. Finest pit int'completely world.

living were intemperately back then

I were standing by fire in pit mind role watching our eldest Lucy shovelling coal into railway wagon, as fast as any man. By eck, I thought, what a lassie, and that's when I had a notion.

I'm William Henry Blagthorpe, They calls me Lord Blagthorpe, or that bastard Blagthorpe. I own pit and village of Blagthorpe as it happens, I has a reputation you see.

I married a widdow, Elsie Sugden. Her had a kid already, Lucy. I says marry, we never wasted brass section on church service or nothing. Every bit of brass went into business.

Useless bitch she were and all. seven-spot damn giirls her popped before her cried sufficiency and went to catch some Z's in extra elbow room, well one of em, I had twelve bedrooms at last count.

I went outside to let a word,"Eee lass thee's fit."I says to our Lucy.

"What's this chatting up thee daughter, he'll be in thee pants next,"cocker spaniel Drayton joked.

"Button it cocker,"I says,"I means she's strong as any bloke,"I says.

"fountainhead don't go geting any ideas,"Lucy snapped,"I told thee I'll not Captain Cook and clean for thee, nor go down pit, I'd rather go down whore house."

"Look here, thee'd frighten blokes pudding head, now if thee's got any horse sense thee's sell the honour to highest bidder."I suggested.

"And how much would you offer ?"she asked.

"Five bob,"I laughed.

"Done, I'll separate our mam."she grinned and went back to shovelling. She must have been hot as she had her shirt undone and thee could see her whatsits swinging as she shovelled.

I got home after dark. Table was set. Tea was cold as always. Elsie was bloody deplorable as always.

"For half a fucking crown I'd send the lot of thee to workhouse,"I joked to lighten mood.

"For half a jacket I'd bloody go,"Elsie said moodily.

"Mam our Dad offered five bob for me honour,"Lucy blurted out as she washed the coal junk off her patch stripped to the waist by kitchen sink.

"Some bloody hopes it must be long gone,"Elsie snapped.

"No, no bugger's had me our mam, ent no one as I fancy,"Lucy said,"Except Daddy."

"Now hang on I were jesting,"I said,"Thee's me daughter."

"So why am I working in pit not at some poncy finishing school or some such ?"Lucy asked.

"I don't want thee cavorting with nobs, I wants thee,"I said,"I wants thee close at hand so I can look after thee."

"So no other bugger has me,"she challenged,"You want's me for thee own, for thee whore !"

She stood there, whatsits hanging out, the teats all stood up, face and pilus all Negroid, and it hit me."I reckon thee's right."I said. I had a think,"Thee's old enough, there ‘ ent nowt but courtesy for keeping thee around as thee ent mine so there ‘ ent no reason we shouldn't is there."

"I'd snatch up thee little dick in one-half,"she challenged wi'her eyes ablaze.

"Go and fuck the little cunt,"Elsie said,"Then chuck her out thankless mare."

I found a gilt guinea,"Here thee are then,"I says as I handed it to her,"Get thee kit off."

"I suppose you want's change ?"she said.

"Nah keep it,"I said. Our Elsie near fainted, she were so shocked by me generosity.

"Da,"Lucy says,"Can we go somewhere more private ?"

"Nay, sod it, me saps up,"I says,"Bend over table our Lucy I'll Phytolacca americana thee from behind."

Our Elsie made a space and Lucy dropped her mans breeches what she wore and bent over table.

Her woman 's parts was all pink and moist and me tadger was straining fit to wear out so I had me belt undone and me kecks round me ankles afore you could say"Ee Bah Gum."

It were golden he were straining as her thingy put up a fight as I went to dig her, I had to hang on to her whatsits to get a bit of leverage like, but all of a sudden it gev way and I were bollock deep inside her unmentionable. Her moaned all fulfil like as I poked away at her.

It was crashing wiz, her seemed to delight it as well. I enjoyed me self like I hadn't for bloody years. In the end when I shot me bolt I were bloody knackered.

I sat down. Our Elsie pushed me tea in front line of me. It were cold, bloody uneatable like. I flung it at her,"Am off down bloody chippy, you coming our Lucy ?"

"What about us ?"Elsie whined.

"Thee made bloody muck, thee can bloody eat ont,"I told her.

Our Lucy pulld her breech up and that and off we went.

They were shocked to see I down Chippy, They let us go first in queue on explanation of none of ‘ em wanted the sack.

"Two Melanogrammus aeglefinus and a bag o'micro chip,"I says,"And what ever thee's having,"I gestured towards our Lucy.

"I'll have a meat pie,"Lucy says,"The big un, what variety of meat is it."

"Horse,"Chippy said,"Thee Faither lets us have got pit crib cheap when they're knackered."

"Lord Blagthorpe to thee, any road stave she ‘ ent me daughter no more ‘ causa I been poking her and she's mine now."

"Not till you put a pack on me finger I ent,"Lucy says,"You ent me dad, you ent me nada,"

"Bloody hell girl,"I says,"Thee don't bent around do thee ?"I thought a mo. She were fit, healthy, why she had a wagerer than average chance of bearing me a son. Me creative thinker were made up.

"Marry me then our Lucy !"I says.

"‘ course of instruction I will,"she says,"Lets nip off go through rectory and set things in motion."

"bugger me tha'don't knack about.|"I admitted.

"I had a expert teacher,"she smiled.

We picked up us snap and headed off down vicar's place.

Vicar bloody near had a fit,"But she's your daughter !"he whined.

"Step daughter,"Lucy reminded him,"Him and me Mam ent married any road and me half sis is all bastards."

"I wouldn't call all of em bastards, bloody irritating mebe,"I confessed.

"She means technically,"the Vicar said helpfully,"So there is a lot to organise, flowers, bells, choir,"

"That's bollocks is that,"Lucy says,"No flowers, no Bell, no choir, no all-fired fancy clothes, just call the Banns, marry us part way through sunrise service and then us can get started on a son and inheritor for Daddy, I mean for Henry."

"Are you sure ?"I asks.

‘ trend I'm sure,"Lucy insisted,"I know thee loves brass more than anything so I ent going to start off by riling thee am I ?"

I were shocked to the CORE, she understood me in a way our Elsie never did. Elsie always wanted new clobber long afore the old were wore out, her'd of wanted flowers and the all bloody shebang.

We went back home, I expected Lucy to take to the woods in along with I but her said not till us was wed so I had to make do with Elsie and her lonesome let me intrude her backside.

Three workweek later we was wed. Bloody hell did I know it. I were bloody knackered. Her wanted it morn twelve noon and night, afore separate fast, during sunup fag break, photograph meter and after tea as well as bed time.

"You'll give me heart attack !"I protested as she jumped on me thingy for the indorsement prison term in an minute in pit office wi shop clerk and that trying to see t'other way.

"And all thee stuff will be mine,"she said her eyes ablaze.

"Ah, so that's thee architectural plan,"I agreed as her bounced up and down on me thingy which were pissed as a pit property,"So what u'd thee alteration if I popped me constipate ?"

"Kick our bloody Mam out for a starting, and me bloody sisters,"she said,"Get a decent house what's easy to keep clean and warm Handy for pit."

"And,"I says as her bounces up, down and sideways on me thingy, pleasuring her sen.

"Get me self a fit bloke what can roger me sideways all day and all night."she said wistfully.

"He'd have thee fat we child afore thee knowed,"I assured her,"But thee has a point, what bloody use is thee Mam except when thee has womens thingys and I can't have thee. grub her out and the tyke, send em down workplace house."

"You callous by-blow !"she said,"They're your bloody kids."

"Not a hoot o good none of em,"I admitted,"e should quetch the bloody lot out."

"Thing is,"Lucy said,"If we moved in that nice three bed down Abbotoire Road as I got me eye on."

"Yes ?"I said,"We could let big house out as flatbed, send the one-time miss down pit, lend immature to chimney sweep, and set our Mam up in her own whore house and heraldic bearing her rent."

I were gob smacked. I shot me load in seismic disturbance."Bugger me our Lucy,"I says,"Why the ‘ ell didn't I think of that !"

"Yer gettin'old, and I had a good instructor,"she happily as she climbed off me and wiped her sen on board cloth."Now have a bit of a kip, I'll be back for more in half a mo !"

Her went back to shovelling.

"Her'll have thee in early grave you mark my words,"Cocker Drayton boss shop assistant muttered.

"I die happy,"I answered,"Then mebbe her'll fuck thee ?"

He went quite pale.

"I'm bloody joking you wazzock !"I taunted him.

He bloody fainted. Said it were shock of me cracking a jocularity, first time in the 20 years he 'd worked'for me.

Its bloody funny what love life does to thee .