Anna was going to quell with me for a month, but that month turned into two. Then three. Now the new year was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not care, of course, as I was madly in love with her, but the doubt had consumed me. Was she a roommate ? supporter ? buff ? Thomas More ?

The time to have got"the talk"was that start hebdomad, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few more times, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the details of our relationship. Anna did not seem to take care - she clearly did not want it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the window closed. She met Clive at a swap meet in early on November. They went on a escort. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no yearner sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come rest home a few nighttime a week. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say things like,"God, you're such a capital guy. You deserve to meet someone."It killed me. I DID deserve it, she was proper. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Clive. Fucking Clive.

By December she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her married man and finding her own home in the new class. She was very clear that she felt like she was a burden to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as absolved that I didn't caution. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a shot at Xmas. Clive was going to his parent's home in Colorado. Anna was driving to meet him on Dec. 26, but she had no program for Christmas day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had nil to do. I suggested we stay in and drink wine and check TV. She agreed.

I knew the gift I got her was important. I mean, just getting her a present was not enough. I needed a statement. There's a dispute between a friend gift and a lover gift. I wanted to get her a devotee gift. I wanted a fucking message to be sent in big, bluff, capital, thank-the-baby-Jesus letter. No doubt. No confusion.

I got her a pair of diamond earrings. It was the variety of thing she'd never get herself. I wrote a speech, too. I had facts on how hanker it takes a baseball field to be formed, and how care and precision and luck had to be exactly right for it to happen. It was a miracle, really. And just as miraculous, I segued, was how much she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for most of my life, and I wanted to bear witness her how particular she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my pocket, in case I stumbled. It was my bit. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in compositor's case, you know, I got a safety gift : warm up socks.

So on Christmas day, we were finished with bottle two. She got that happy-kid grinning on her aspect and said she had gotten me a present. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was giddy. I grabbed her two natural endowment and put them behind my back, under the cushion, almost sure I would apply her the devotee talent, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in case, I put the socks back there, too.

quintet minute of arc later, she came back to the living room, tears streaking down her side. Baron Clive had hidden a little wrapped box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a pair of adorable diamond earrings. She glided around the room, calling him on her cell to tell him how a lot she loved them. I swallowed my tongue. FUCKING CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 endowment card to GameStop. I gave her the socks. I had lost the fighting, the battle and the war.

***

I had very specific plans for New Year's Eve : I was going to drink heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the strong drink store and bought a fifth of vodka. As I was about to check out, I looked at the 70-proof bottle of cheap hooch and though,"Hmm, is this enough ?"I bought two. And I don't even drink vodka.

I really wanted to Black person out before Ryan Seacrest showed his shtup tanned expression on the blind. Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. Blonde hair. Highlights. short. perfect smile. Extremely nice and polite and charming and shady. He had always been sweet to me. A substantial gentleman, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a bombastic glass of liquidness poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing alcohol. Still, I had a destructive streak that was pointing right at my liver and stomach. I tried to ignore the smell and took a big gulp.

My esophagus was still burning when my cell rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"hullo ?"

"Is this a bad metre ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her voice cracked. I could recite she was choking back tears."I, uh. Are you home ? Are you out ?"

"I'm base. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … find fault me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Clive he, uh … we had a fight. You know ? I just call for to get dwelling and I left my debit card at plate and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. spirit, it's cool. Where are you ? I will leave now."

***

Anna did not sing much on the way home, just a few thank yous. By the time we got back to the apartment, it was a little after 10. She looked stunning, even with her makeup running down her impudence. Her crocked unripe dress hugged her curves. I felt underdress, what with my jeans and a t-shirt.

She went back to her room, only to reemerge a trivial before 12. Her hair was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a besotted T. I wanted to kiss her. It was the outfit she wore the second night we were together.

She sat down beside me on the couch. She had a vino deoxyephedrine in her hired hand and motioned toward my bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her glassful up and sank back, her feet curled under her. Her eyes were red, but she was no longer crying.

"Do you want to talk ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a fucking idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"First my hubby, now Baron Clive. I must have a particular attractor to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in Colorado over the weekend … but his wife. She called when he was in the bathroom, and I picked up his cellular phone. She was as surprised to get hold out about me as I was to found out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the nerve to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the baseball club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her drink, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the thing is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lying Snake River. I sensed it. I tried to block up it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something phony. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. Sort of stared. Then a snort. Then a to the full gag. I started laughing, too. She spilt a picayune of her drink on herself and laughed More. We were both doubled over.

"God,"she said, wiping the tears away."You are right. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an retard. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. attend, you WANT to love someone. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad thing. There are uncollectible qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on hope and destiny and all that early pansy narrative stuff. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be glad and to want the outdo in others. We live in a misanthropic world. We need more ‘ you,'less ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her headland on my berm."You are a dear ally,"she said. My substance sank. I was such a all-day sucker. It was five till midnight.

We watched meter Square on TV in silence, Anna taking the occasional sip from her wine-coloured looking glass. Her header stayed on my berm. We watched the countdown, the felicitous faces screaming and shouting. When the clock ticked one minute, Anna turned and gently grabbed my header, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but nothing was like this. It was mellisonant and entitle and packed with meaning. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her hand caressing my nerve. She put down her vino chicken feed and started to propel, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the room."No. No."

"What's ill-timed ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? buss you ? I thought you liked that ? We're friends. It's OK …"

"FUCK Anna. We are NOT supporter. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to eff I love you, right ? I mean, you are a smart miss. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're supporter. I can't take it."

Tears were in her middle again. I couldn't look at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Baron Clive of Plassey and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want someone to love you and treat you right and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her manus through her whisker and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not sustain a regard. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you bonk me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"shtup, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't start now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would have no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the sofa. I folded my hands across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to drop off me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my spirit, but I can't sit back and spotter you day of the month guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your problems. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can give you what you want. And I can't sit back and watch this parade of failure. I can't be your safety net."

"I know."

I covered my eye with my hand, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nose in eighth score. I brushed the hair's-breadth back, off my forehead. It felt heavy in the room.

"I am good-for-naught to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my script again. She pulled it to her chest of drawers, against her gist. I turned to search at her."Kiss me,"she said."Kiss me. Let's figure the residuum out later. I promise. I want this. Please ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a fixer. She hated pain in the neck in people. I wasn't surely if this was real or her way of healing a combat injury. But I was weak. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex piles, but I am not certain I had ever made love to mortal. I had never connected with someone on a cardinal degree. But I did with Anna that night. It was appease and raw and emotional. On my couch. As Ryan Seacrest spoke in the background.

I stripped her apparel off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my putz as I wrapped her wooden leg around me. I eased into her, slipping my arms around her waist so I could pull out her tight against me. It was the first time I had been completely inside of her. I tried to spend a penny the consequence last.

Our consistency responded to each other. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her lips never left mine. I could taste the salt from her rip on her lips. Her tongue was strong-growing but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my back and kissed me surd. She said my epithet and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the birth control pill. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my head back so I could see her eyes. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A grin of recognition. I kissed her as I came, my dick exploding into the abysm of happiness and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my couch, wrapped in a blanket. Her legs wrapped around mine, her top dog on my bureau and her fingers playfully running through my hair.

"I think this alteration everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able to look at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few seconds later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my mind raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .