Sorting out that Pedo Saville

It was back in October 2012 like. Al and me was sat in the bar at the Flying buck supping a few bevvies, just after that story about pedos came out, `` Fucking netherworld Johnno ! '' Al said, `` That 's that fucking Saville pussy. ``

'' Fucking right, '' I agreed, `` Fucking missed that cunt, '' I said sadly as I sunk another feeding bottle of Stella ( Artois )

'' Fucking grade A piece of tail pedo, '' Al said as he read the story in the 'Sun'off his Fish and microchip paper.

'' Fucking bitch, '' I agreed.

'' Fucking Trevor from up Moorhouse says that fucking Saville fucking bummed him on Jim 'll fucking fix it, '' Al added.

'' He never fucking went on Jim 'll fucking fix it, '' I told him, `` He went to his Aunty Mary 's, he never fucking went. ``

'' screw, '' said Al, `` Bollocks, you reckon he was straight up when he said old Edwards from Broomhill comp bummed him ? ``

'' Was n't just him to be fair, '' I said, `` altogether crew of them said he had bummed them, '' I reminded him, `` Fucking never denied it did he ? ``

'' No, to be fair, '' I said, `` He did say he was sorry, '' I agreed, `` Just before we hung him from that fucking lamp Emily Price Post. ``

'' By his fucking bollocks ! '' Al laughed, `` That fucking rip pouring out where his cock tore off when we let it shoot the exercising weight ! ``

'' Served the cunt right, '' I agreed, `` bitch ! ``

'' Fucking cunt, '' Al agreed, `` Did n't search so clever when we stuck the hook up his ass and left him swinging from that fucking lamp station by it did he ! ``

'' Fucking pity about Saville, '' I said, `` All the nookie kiddies he fucked and he gets off fucking Sir Walter Scott free. ``

'' Not fucking right, '' says Al, `` Ca n't we dig the fucker up and fucking hang him ? ``

'' Too much like fucking hard work, '' I admitted.

'' Ought to snick the fucking headstone, '' Al said reasonably, `` Least we could do. ``

'' Write fucking puss across it, '' I suggested, `` Carve fucking pedo in it. ``

'' What 's this bloke, '' PC Tony Mulholland asked as he staggered by on his way to the bogs, `` Planning on nicking a headstone ? ``

'' Fucking Saville 's, '' I said, `` Wanker. ``

'' Been fucking done already, '' Tony says, `` Too fucking late. ``

'' Have to dig the cunt up and hang him then, '' says Al.

'' What you, you lazy sod ! '' Tony laughed, `` You 'd make to nick a Kubota ! ``

I looked at Al and he looked at me but neither of us wanted to admit we had n't a sleep together clue what a Kubota was.

'' Have n't seen my sergeant have you ? '' Tony asked.

'' Forbsie, he fucked off with Sandra 'bout an hour ago, '' Al said, `` Not like her to hang about, wham charge where 's me twenty quid that 's our Sandra. ``

'' Perhaps he 's having seconds ? '' I suggested.

'' Oh fuck off, '' says Tony, `` I need a piss. ``

He had hardly gone when Sergeant Giles Forbes himself rolled up looking as bumpy as a bear 's ass, `` John Allthwaite, and young Allan, what a surprise, '' he says.

'' Enjoy your fuck ? '' I asked.

'' Very convivial, '' he agreed, `` Very pleasant young lady, very acceptable, not planning on driving home are we ? '' he asked.

'' Too bloody pissed to walk, '' I admitted.

'' Not planning anything nasty like digging Saville up and hanging him from a lamp C. W. Post or anything are we ? '' he asked.

'' How did you fucking bed, '' I asked.

'' Walls have auricle laddie and Sandra has a big rima oris, '' he admitted, `` Be a shame if someone wrote fucking Pedo on Saville 's gaff would n't it ? ``

'' Where 's that ? '' Al asked like a prat. ``

'' Glencoe, '' he says.

'' What unit of ammunition here ? '' I asked.

'' No Scotland, somewhere between Crianlarich and Ballachulish, '' Fforbes explained like we was a dyad of idiots, `` Should be there by first twinkle if you set off now. ``

'' What ? '' I asked.

'' You heard, '' he said, `` And if you need any paint there 's some in his van, '' he said pointing at Al,

'' What ? '' Al asked.

'' You should stimulate locked it, '' Sgt Fforbes laughed. `` I just slipped a span of cannister of black and some brushes in the back just now, should be enough, so what you waiting for ? ''

'' Sober up ? '' Al asked.

'' You sober, get real, '' Sgt Forbes laughed, `` Get going before I think of something to book you for, '' he suggested.

'' It 's not kicking out fourth dimension yet ! '' I protested.

'' Bald tyre, no insurance, '' Fforbsie reeled off.

Al emptied his deoxyephedrine, `` All rightfield, all right, '' he said, `` I need some diesel, '' he added, `` And I 'm skint. ``

'' Bar Tender, a small Polymonium caeruleum van-bruntiae donation if you please, '' Fforbsie said, `` Fifty chaw should do it, these fine world spirited lads are off to do some populace service. ``

Martha brought the cash over, `` Harry said he paid you off earlier, '' she hissed as she handed over three X and a twenty.

'' give-and-take eh ? '' Forbsie queried, `` How would you care to go with them ? ``

'' I ca n't, '' Martha said, all tit and peroxide blond, `` I got things to do. ``

'' Nice cellular telephone back at the post, '' he observed, `` Selling strong drink under age, and the residue. ``

'' All right, I 'll go, where is it Oldham again ? '' she asked.

'' Fucking Mexico, '' I said.

'' Glencoe, '' Fforbes corrected.

'' Scotland, '' Al added.

'' Where the lad wear annulus ? '' Martha asked, `` Kinky. ``

'' You going or what ? '' Ffores asked.

'' Ok, ok, we 're gone, '' Al said.

'' Up the M6, M74, '' Fforbes said.

'' We got an AA map, '' I said, `` Do n't fret. ``

'' Me husband goes to AA on Thursday, '' says Martha.

'' That 's a different AA, '' Al sighed, `` Get your pelage if you 're coming. ``

We piled out the pub, it was fucking atrocious, fucking raining, well drizzle, Al checked the routine plates to throw trusted they was too dirty to read and we set off, him steering and Fforbsie, Martha and me pushing until Al could get it going because the battery was knackered.

We all sat in front to set about with, Martha was well past her best by day of the month, she must induce been thirty six and she fucked like a dustbin on account of five kids and the fact she liked huge melanize prick up her, but her tits made up for it, that and the fact she were n't fussy who she fucked and where, or where for that thing, including up the ass outside Woolworth on one memorable occasion.

We droned north at a calm ninety, speed camera flashing like flash bulbs at the wad of Kate Thomas Middleton 's tits, Al had the sail control on, that 's a blocking of concrete on the throttle, and he lay back in the tail steering with his knee like you do on a long catch.

We had a game of motorway skittle on the way, Al form of straddled a row of conoid in these roadworks and we knocked about a statute mile worth over before we got a pussy stuck under the van and had to dig it out with a pickaxe, then we got a bit bored and Martha and me hopped in the back for a bit.

'' In out in out, '' Al laughed as he swerved from side to side before I even got Martha 's knickers off of her. ``

'' Oi pack it in, '' Martha protested, but it was hard to centre on rubbering up let alone giving her one when Al was swerving about all over the Motorway.

'' Fucking hell Al ! '' I swore as I tried to stick it in her.

'' Oi not up there ! '' Martha protested as my cock slipped and jabbed at the ass hole.

'' Al for fuck 's interest ! '' I wailed but it was all right and I variety of crush my length into her sopping cunt as she lay back on the old twofold bed mattress Al had in the back just in case he pulled.

'' Oh Johnno, '' Martha wailed as Johnno drove along the fucking African tea eyes on the boundary of the laborious articulatio humeri making the whole van judder.

'' Haha, '' he chortled.

'' pussy ! '' I said but Martha was lapping it up so I was n't too fussed as I humped away at her as we rattled along.

She was lapping it up, hooting and hollering she fucking come like a piece of ass banshie fucking holler and wailing, god knows what the fuckers outside thought because by that clock time we was parked up in the car car park at Tebay Westmorland military service on the M6 and fucking Al had fucked off to get a McDonalds.

I was so ass into Martha I never realised we stopped, christ did we get some funny spirit when we climbed out but who gives a fuck ?

Anyway when Al comes back at least he had the decency to bring some ooze Nuggets as we called them and those poxy little overcooked chips they calls tike and then the cunt says it 's his fucking bend for shagging and I had to drive, cunt.

I reckon he fucked up because after the third time I stalled the cunt the fucking assault and battery rolled over and died so we had to push jump the fucker which ai n't funny uphill.

We filled up the diesel did a three stop turn bump started it bthe wrong way down the slip road pulled a U ie and fucked off toward bthe land of the jocks and we was passing Carlisle when we realised we forgot to pay for the diesel.

'' Reckon they got our numeral ? '' I asked Al

'' Should n't fucking call up so they 're under your seat, '' Al assured me, `` That un on the back is a Police cover van and the cunt on the front is off a Liverpool milk float. ``

I were n't exactly reassured so I just kept tooling along at 70 or so watching the piece of tail earthly concern hurtle past in the fast lane, I 'll separate you something about the nooky suspensor, those cunts certainly do n't fucking cling about.

Glasgow, Cumber-fucking-nald, what a bastard hole.

'' You finished shagging ? '' I asked, shagging, the cunts was libertine departed Callendar, Crianlarich, we was on fucking A roads now, well jock A roads, fucking bends strung together like they did n't have it away what fucking straight was and then the sky started getting light and there we fucking was heading into Glencoe.

'' screw ! '' I said, `` Too fucking late. ``

There was Saville 's gaff all right, except some bitch had painted 'Pedo, '' on it in three foot high missive and there was a distich of athletic supporter loading a leather settle onto the roof wheel of a Skoda and another couple of cunts nicking the roof tiles and loading up a Iveco flatbed.

'' This that cunt Saville 's gaff ? '' I asked.

'' Who wanstay no ? '' this cunt says

'' DOE yer match address english ? '' Martha says.

'' Ah ham speaking Fuckninglish, '' the slit says, `` Ye stupit tard ! ``

'' persuasion you cunts wore skirts ? '' Al said drunkenly, `` Wassa difference between a Scotchman and a tranny ? ``

'' I do n't know ? '' I says.

'' Neither do I ! '' says Al as if it was the peculiar thing since ding horsefly and he just about pissed his self laughing.

Luckily the barrage fire was up for starting the bitch or the bed Glencoe massacre would induce had a mates or to a greater extent cunts added, like me and Al but we fucked off a bit smartish down towards the sea, Kinlock-fucking-leven, or is it Fuckinloch leven, we could n't figure it out and then as tghe dayspring broke over the mountains flooding the sea lock with its golden gleaming, good eh, nicked that form a Holy Scripture in the subroutine library we rolled into fort William.

Now Fort William is the form of shithole that makes Weatherfield tone like a town, one roll in the hay lonesome shopping street stuffed with overpriced tat workshop and everywhere the sound of tortured true cat which they think is music being played on the bagpipes.

We still had Forbsie 's cash so we went to a B and B to get a bed for the day.

A miserable old athletic supporter was noshing on kippered herring and haggis.

'' daybreak squire, '' I says, `` call for a bed for the day. ``

'' Get that pile of scrap metal off of my driveway this instant ! '' the deplorable old jock said as he stood up and you could see he wore a all-fired chick and had knobbly knees.

'' smell grand dad, '' I says, `` We been fucking travelling all night, I 'm shagged out and very near sobered up so I need a kip and skinfull before I heads rest home savvy ? ``

'' Do n't you derive the sassenach with me, '' he said, `` Perverts the lot of ye. ``

'' You 're the one in the fucking skirt love, '' I reminded him.

'' Yon Saville, pervert ! '' he said, `` You 're all the Saami ! ``

'' We come to paint Pedo on his gaff, '' I said, `` Wanted to dig the cunt up so as we could jazz give ear him from a fucking lamp post as a word of advice to others. '' I said.

'' You would n't be yon Allthwaite would ye ? '' the suspensor asked.

'' The Saame, '' I says.

'' Then ye 'll be needing a room for a week, '' he says, `` There 's a powerful need for teaching Sassenach pedophiles they 're no safe in Lochaber.

'' We ought to be getting back, '' I says.

'' Moira, '' he shouts, `` We 've Mr Allthwaite here, fall to facilitate us. ``

This Scotswoman appears, Jesus what a fair sex, half fucking sumo wrestler half Caber tosser and all of about nineteen.

'' Ye 'll be needing a bed ? '' she declares.

'' Yeah, '' Al agrees.

'' Nay problem, ye can share mine ! '' she says.

'' Wabbout me ? '' says Martha ?

'' I think I can find room, '' Old athlete says greedily gazing at Martha 's tits.

'' I 'll sleep in the van, '' I says.

'' After you 've had ye 're breakfast. '' old jock insisted.

I should have said no, fucking boomerang breakfast it was, black pudding, haggis, kipper, all cooked in axle grease and it all came back up a half hr later, fucking jocks.

I had a bit of a kip, the rain lashing the van made kipping an uphill conflict but I got some shut eye and then went down the town.

'' What a fucking miserable fucking hole, '' I said to nonentity in particular.

'' Why do you say about fucking, '' this Krauthead bint asks, `` Are you repressed yes ? ``

'' Me nookie repressed, fuck off ! '' I said.

'' So why ask me to fuck, in the street ? '' she asks.

'' Look I just said its a fucking, '' I said and it hit me, she was fucking gorgeous, fucking blonde, fucking pretty lilliputian lip, dainty firm tits, tasty, `` Fucking shithole. '' I said.

'' You wish to have it away my shithole ? '' she asked.

'' No, no fucking way, '' I said, `` When I fucking said fucking I was fucking swearing, '' I said and thought a bit, `` Well if you 're offering. ``

'' You are so horrid ! '' she said, `` I am Gretchen. ''

'' John, Johnno Allthwaite, '' I added.

'' I thought, '' she said.

'' You thought wrong, '' I said, `` Sorry. ``

'' You want to fuck with me ? '' she asked.

'' favorite, '' I said, `` shoemaker's last dark I got pissed, I drove two 100 miles in the piece of ass rain in a fucking Transit van, screwed this insatiable fat lady of pleasure, never got no proper kip on story of the rainwater and I ai n't up for fucking no one, ok, comprehend ? ``

'' Pity, '' she said and laughed.

I stood there in the middle of fucking Fort fucking William with a fucking hard on and looked at her fucking laughing at me, and her fucking mate had heard the wholly have it away affair and she was pissing herself laughing at me.

'' Fuck ! '' I said, `` Fucking hell ! I only came here to paint 'Cunt'on fucking Saville 's gaff. ``

'' Hahaha ! '' she laughed, `` Who is Saville ? ``

'' Fucking pedophile cunt, '' I said.

'' Is true ? '' her friend asked.

'' Fucking eighty year old queer bin bumming little Kid so they say, '' I explained, `` Reckon we 'll accept to dig the puss up and hang him from a fucking lamp Emily Price Post by his bollocks. ``

'' He is embalmed ? '' the kraut 's partner asked.

'' How the fuck should I know ? '' I asked.

'' Then his orchis will be pulp, '' she explained.

'' rightfulness, waste of fucking clip then ? '' I suggested.

'' Yes, '' she said with a massive grin, `` Bye ! Alf Weedersshain. ``

'' It 's fucking Allthwaite, '' I says as I watched them tottering away on their high blackguard piddling asses wobbling like a pair of fucking rabbits.

I had a few jarful in the pub, like you do, well there 's fuck all else to do is there, checked out the gearing times, like there 's one every quarter time of day from Weatherfield James Madison route to Picadilly, so why the fuck is there three a fucking day from fucking Fort fucking William, and one of them takes so shtup long two of the fucking coaches has fucking beds instead of seats.

Still it beat the infernal region out of Al 's fucking Transit van so I hit the charge plate and got me self a bed on the one-half past seven to Preston, arriving four thirty, in the roll in the hay morning.

It was all rightfulness for a train, except I was expecting there to be some booze on sale, and there was just a nookie trolley and sandwiches that cost an arm and a leg and coffee, all right an old codger on a push bike would have gone faster but the scenery was dissimilar to the back grand round our way, and there was a fucking majuscule big railway railway locomotive down in a love field what crashed off the line of products a while back which did n't do me guts much good and the company did n't do much for me, bloke and his missus a distich of old dears and the local priest.

'' And what brings you to the Islands ? '' the priest asks.

'' I ent bin to the piece of tail Islands, only fort fucking William, '' I says.

'' Ah, but I meant Islands, '' he says, `` The mountains, the scenery. ``

'' The shag insect, the roll in the hay jocks in annulus and the piece of tail rainwater, '' I said, `` Actually I come up with me mate to paint 'Cunt'on fucking Saville 's gaff. ``

'' Ah, too tardy my son, we did it last Thursday, '' the non-Christian priest says, `` And we will wipe the topographic point from the font of the globe, it is an odium in the heap of the Lord. ``

'' I seen worse, '' I said, `` It ent the ass firm 's fracture as that cunt lived in it, is it. ``

'' Indeed, '' the priest agreed, `` I feel we should exhume him and rebury him in unsanctified ground. ''

'' My sister Dolly say you should dig him up and cling him from a lamp post by his bollocks, '' the old biddy says.

'' Right, '' I agree.

'' But I prefer an ass hook ! '' she added.

'' Edie, that 's common soldier, '' dolly insisted.

'' To hang them from a lamp post by, '' Edie explained, `` It is unbearable, '' she said, `` Pedophiles abusing miserable small children when there are so many one ladies in their meridian crying out to be loved. ``

'' Right, '' I said, `` Tragic. ``

'' I knew you would interpret, '' Edie said, `` Compartment number 5, '' she said and winked at me.

'' Look, '' I said.

'' wagerer humour her, '' the priest said in a whisper, `` Actually she bangs quite nicely for an old bird. ``

'' What ? '' I demanded.

'' Generous Scottish hospitality, it would be churlish to refuse, '' the priest added.

'' fucking sake ! '' I cursed but well, where else was I getting laid, like the Holy Writ basher said, churlish to refuse, so that why I was at it with a fifty something granny as the power train rolled through Corrour and Rannoch, the most pointless nooky stations in the midriff of fucking nowhere you ever did fucking see.

I shagged worse, must have got, just ca n't think of any at lay out, I half thought of turning queer at one time as I banged her in metre to the piece of ass train wheels as I wondered whether they was 50p shaped or totally do it square as we banged along so fucking slow that fucking Rabbits was overtaking us.

Still she was grateful and it saved the Vicar from having to shag both of them so it was me dear act for the piece of ass class was n't it ?

We went to Glasgow then right across to Edinburgh where they fucked about banging and shunting until every fucker was woke up and then we fucked off back the way we come with a cargo of other motorcoach tacked on and the sitting coach took off, no I do n't have a piece of tail clue why.

I got me head down, must birth had nearly ten minutes kip and then we was at Preston and they chucked me out on the political platform in the midsection of the night.

'' assistance ! '' I hears this gent bleating, I went towards the speech sound of his interpreter, he was round a quoin swinging upside down from an ass bait lashed to a platform awning.

'' Pedo eh ? '' I asked.

'' No, not really, '' he said.

'' What do you want ? '' I asked.

'' Get me down, '' he says, well I could n't lead him swinging could I, I ai n't heartless even to pedos, so I gets a political program trolley and stands on it and cuts him down, `` Splat. ``

He head edge the platform, 'Crack ,'goes his skull and he quits whining, never even said thanks

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