Anna was going to stay on with me for a month, but that month turned into two. Then three. Now the new year was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not like, of path, as I was madly in lovemaking with her, but the incertitude had consumed me. Was she a roommate ? Friend ? Lover ? More ?

The clock time to have"the talk of the town"was that first of all hebdomad, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few more clock time, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the details of our relationship. Anna did not seem to take care - she clearly did not require it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the windowpane closed. She met Clive at a swap meet in early Nov. They went on a appointment. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no longer sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come home a few nights a week. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say things like,"God, you're such a great guy. You deserve to come across someone."It killed me. I DID deserve it, she was redress. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Clive. Fucking Clive.

By December she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her married man and finding her own place in the new year. She was very clear that she felt like she was a burden to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as light that I didn't forethought. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a shot at Christmas. Robert Clive was going to his parent's home in Colorado. Anna was driving to meet him on Dec. 26, but she had no plan for Xmas day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had nil to do. I suggested we stay in and drink wine and sentry TV. She agreed.

I knew the giving I got her was significant. I mean, just getting her a present tense was not enough. I needed a argument. There's a conflict between a friend endowment and a lover gift. I wanted to get her a lover gift. I wanted a sleep with subject matter to be sent in big, bold, capital, thank-the-baby-Jesus letters. No doubt. No confusion.

I got her a pair of rhombus earrings. It was the kind of thing she'd never get herself. I wrote a speech, too. I had facts on how long it takes a diamond to be formed, and how tending and precision and luck had to be exactly right for it to bump. It was a miracle, really. And just as marvellous, I segued, was how much she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for nearly of my life history, and I wanted to present her how extra she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my air pocket, in case I stumbled. It was my moment. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in pillow slip, you know, I got a safety gift : Warm socks.

So on Christmas Day day, we were finished with bottle two. She got that happy-kid grinning on her face and said she had gotten me a present. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was vertiginous. I grabbed her two natural endowment and put them behind my back, under the cushion, almost certain I would sacrifice her the lover natural endowment, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in case, I put the windsock back there, too.

quintuplet minute later, she came back to the animation way, tears streaking down her typeface. Clive had hidden a little intent box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a couplet of lovely ball field earrings. She glided around the elbow room, calling him on her cubicle to tell him how often she loved them. I swallowed my natural language. FUCKING CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 gift placard to GameStop. I gave her the socks. I had lost the fight, the battle and the war.

***

I had very specific plans for New class's Eve : I was going to drink heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the hard drink computer storage and bought a one-fifth of vodka. As I was about to agree out, I looked at the 70-proof bottleful of cheap hooch and though,"Hmm, is this enough ?"I bought two. And I don't even drink vodka.

I really wanted to black out before Ryan Seacrest showed his roll in the hay tanned look on the filmdom. Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. blonde hair. Highlights. short. Perfect grin. Extremely Nice and cultivated and tempt and comical. He had always been sweet to me. A real gentleman, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a large glass of liquid poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing alcohol. Still, I had a destructive streak that was pointing right at my liver and stomach. I tried to ignore the olfactory property and took a big gulp.

My gullet was still burning when my prison cell rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"Hello ?"

"Is this a bad time ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her voice cracked. I could enjoin she was choking back tears."I, uh. Are you place ? Are you out ?"

"I'm home. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … pick me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Clive he, uh … we had a fight. You know ? I just require to get dwelling and I left my debit entry card at home and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. facial expression, it's cool. Where are you ? I will go away now."

***

Anna did not verbalize much on the way home, just a few thank yous. By the time we got back to the apartment, it was a niggling after 10. She looked stunning, even with her makeup running down her cheeks. Her tight Green dress hugged her curves. I felt underdressed, what with my jeans and a t-shirt.

She went back to her room, only to reemerge a piddling before 12. Her hair was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a tight T. I wanted to kiss her. It was the outfit she wore the endorse night we were together.

She sat down beside me on the sofa. She had a wine spyglass in her helping hand and motioned toward my bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her shabu up and sank back, her feet curled under her. Her eyes were red, but she was no longer crying.

"Do you require to tattle ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a have it off idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"First my husband, now Clive. I must have a special attraction to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in Colorado River over the weekend … but his wife. She called when he was in the lavatory, and I picked up his cell. She was as surprise to found out about me as I was to get hold out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the nerve to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the order. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her beverage, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the thing is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a dwell Snake. I sensed it. I tried to bar it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something phony. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. Sort of stared. Then a razzing. Then a wide jest. I started laughing, too. She spilt a little of her drink on herself and laughed more. We were both doubled over.

"God,"she said, wiping the rip away."You are right. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an moron. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. Look, you WANT to love someone. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad things. There are worse qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on hope and fate and all that early fairy tale hooey. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be felicitous and to need the right in others. We live in a cynical earthly concern. We need more ‘ you,'LE ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her school principal on my shoulder."You are a thoroughly protagonist,"she said. My heart sank. I was such a sucker. It was five public treasury midnight.

We watched Time Square on TV in silence, Anna taking the periodic sip from her wine deoxyephedrine. Her headway stayed on my shoulder. We watched the countdown, the glad faces scream and yelling. When the clock ticked one second, Anna turned and gently grabbed my point, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but nix was like this. It was sweet and patrician and packed with substance. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her hand caressing my cheek. She put down her wine glass and started to move, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the room."No. No."

"What's unseasonable ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? Kiss you ? I thought you liked that ? We're friends. It's OK …"

"nookie Anna. We are NOT protagonist. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to know I love you, right ? I mean, you are a hurt miss. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're friends. I can't take it."

bout were in her eyes again. I couldn't look at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want someone to know you and treat you right and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her hand through her hairsbreadth and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not sustain a gaze. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you love me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"fucking, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't starting signal now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would have no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the lounge. I folded my hands across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to fall behind me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my life, but I can't sit back and watch you date guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your trouble. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can give you what you want. And I can't sit back and view this parade of failure. I can't be your safety net."

"I know."

I covered my optic with my mitt, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nose in 8th grade. I brushed the hair back, off my forehead. It felt heavy in the room.

"I am sorry to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my deal again. She pulled it to her breast, against her heart and soul. I turned to depend at her."buss me,"she said."kiss me. Let's figure the eternal rest out later. I promise. I want this. Please ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a fixer. She hated painfulness in people. I wasn't sure if this was real number or her way of healing a wound. But I was weak. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex mess, but I am not for certain I had ever made love to someone. I had never connected with someone on a primaeval level. But I did with Anna that Nox. It was aristocratic and raw and emotional. On my couch. As Ryan Seacrest spoke in the background.

I stripped her apparel off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my cock as I wrapped her branch around me. I eased into her, slipping my implements of war around her waist so I could extract her tight against me. It was the first gear metre I had been completely inside of her. I tried to micturate the moment last.

Our bodies responded to each early. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her mouth never left mine. I could taste the common salt from her split on her lips. Her knife was aggressive but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my spinal column and kissed me strong. She said my name and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the pill. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my head back so I could see her oculus. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A grin of identification. I kissed her as I came, my cock exploding into the abyss of felicity and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my couch, wrapped in a blanket. Her legs wrapped around mine, her head on my chest of drawers and her finger's breadth playfully running through my hair.

"I think this changes everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully capable to look at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few second later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my mind raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .