Hannah.

'' Ah Lord Pinkerton ? '' an emboldened mature lady around my mother 's age accosted me as I lounged amiably enough with my cronies at the miss Fotheringay 's ball at Southam Courtenay, `` Have you met my daughter Molly ? ``

I looked past the matron and there through the fug of intoxication I believed I beheld an holy person, a great vision in gleaming virginal Patrick Victor Martindale White, and at back glimpse an improbably plump one, `` No, I have n't had the delight, '' I agreed uncertainly for the mellisonant Mull-berry wine-coloured had had its core on me.

'' I should hope not ! '' Algy declared, `` For she may take two pegleg, two arms, two bosoms and two eyes, though remarkably dis standardized, but two chin Johnno, well you must cast a line somewhere ! ``

'' Ah, '' I agreed with a contented belch, `` Indeed. ``

Poor Molly turned and fled as fast as her considerable bulk would allow.

'' You sir are an execration ! '' the mother averred.

'' Fattening her up for Christmas, '' Bobby Fawkes chipped in, `` I like a plump bird at Christmas ! ``

'' I 'd like to sit down, '' I suggested as I regretted mixing French and English people wine-colored so early in the evening.

'' You slight me sir ! '' the matron avowed.

'' William Tell me, '' I asked, `` You have but one chin, a tenuous weasel like face, a pin down waist, lean spindly legs beneath that gown I 'll wager, so how did you bear a baby elephant for a daughter ? '' It was said by way of an honest search for the truth.

'' I shall not continue to be insulted ! '' the matron replied.

'' Oh, shall you go elsewhere ? '' Bobby enquired.

'' Oh it was no insult lady, '' Algy insisted, `` No Johnno seeks to bed you. ``

She half smiled, `` Indeed, then I shall inform my husband, Lord Garth. ``

'' That great oaf, '' Samuel Verney added, `` I should quake in my iron heel if it were me. ``

'' Madam, '' I added, `` I have no great desire to constitute have a go at it to you, '' I insisted, `` Though I should certainly opt you in my bed to that great ox of a daughter, for she would surely recrudesce the bed frame ! '' It seemed singular at the time, you understand but the next thing Algy had to pace forward to stop the matron striking me.

I can not recall much of the eve after that, but in the fullness of metre I awoke in a bed in the Red Lion Inn in Southam Whiston with the sun high gear in the high noon day sky and the tube and drum dance band of the Caithsby reserves playing inside my skill.

'' Oh my head, '' I croaked.

'' So you are not dead ? '' an unfriendly female voice boomed around inside my skull.

'' No madam. '' I agreed, `` Though if I spent the dark with you I wish I were. ``

'' Indeed, '' she boomed,

'' Can you please keep the randomness down. '' I asked, `` My brain is bursting ! ``

'' You insulted my daughter mollie, '' she insisted.

'' Oh god, Mrs Garth, '' I groaned.

'' ma'am Garth, '' she corrected me, `` What do you intend to do about it ? '' she demanded.

'' Absolutely aught gentlewoman, for she is fat as a pig, '' I explained, `` I own I 'd rather buss a pig than Molly, on account of the lesser number of chins they display. ``

'' Very well then, '' she said and began to shout, `` Unhand me you drunken oaf, '' and with theatrical style she tore at her bodice and through its fine quaity and exquisite needle study she dislodged but one lonely button where she sought to break her bosoms to plain view.

'' Lord Pinkerton I am a married womanhood ! '' she protested and right on cue my door opened and there were mollie and the Inn keeper 's housemaid as watcher and Lord Garth himself, a frail wight of apparently octogenarian time of origin though in Sojourner Truth he was but sixty such it was said was the voracity of Lady Garth 's dark metre demands that he had aged twenty years in the first six months of marriage.

'' clasp hard young Pinkerton, why are you dallying with the mem sahib ? '' he asked.

'' No approximation sir, '' I explained, `` Your daughter is fat as a pig sir, '' I said inelegantly, `` Lady Garth came to remonstrate.

'' Carry on then, '' he said from the doorway.

'' Daddy God Almighty Pinkerton has shown full contempt for myself and our category, '' molly cried.

'' But you are as fat as a pig dearest, '' Jehovah Garth admitted and nodding towards his wife he continued, `` And keep an eye on that one for she 'll eat you alive sir, '' he added as an after thought.

'' But my pureness, challenge him Lee Harvey Oswald, '' ma'am Garth insisted.

'' Challenge, why he would win deal down, '' Lord Garth averred, `` No you challenge him if you see fit, I am taking a walk around the Park, good day. ``

Lady Garth stared in disbelief, `` He, '' she started to say.

'' Is a very Isaac Mayer Wise man, Lady Garth, '' I added, `` May I wish you honorable day ? ''

'' No indeed you may not ! '' Lady Garth insisted, `` Not until this matter is settled. ``

I groaned, my forefront was far from cleared yet, `` Then allow me some privateness that I may dress, ''
I asked reasonably enough.

'' No, I shall remain, '' dame Garth insisted.

'' Then so be it, '' I suggested and I pulled my night shirt clean over my chief to put up defenseless, sadly unaware that my cronies had writ `` Pinkertons Prong a shilling an hour, '' across my belly in lamp sinister in the depth of the night.

'' Oh ! '' Lady Garth cried in surprisal, `` Its Brobdingnagian ! ``

'' Oh, its huge ! '' cried molly in consternation,

'' Oohh, its huge, '' the maid said admiringly as sensing the aroma of a fair sex my prong raised himself to his to the full eight in and Sir Thomas More of propagation.

'' Put it away sir you will frighten the Equus caballus, '' noble Garth said as he returned to seek the cause of the hoo-ha, `` Or else do someone an injury. ``

'' Ooohh yes what an combat injury, '' the maid simpered.

'' Damn it where 's me breeches, '' I cursed as my night shirt descended to robe itself around the root of my prong leaving him straining still.

'' Marigold, block staring, '' Lord Garth councelled, `` Wife derive away ! '' he repeated.

'' mammy did he do it ? '' a refreshing voice asked.

I looked an another maidservant had appeared, dressed in a simple white shift, her face like the mother perhaps yet twenty years her junior, blue eyed and blond of hair, svelte where the sister was porcine, well proportioned where the sister was porcine, fair of facial expression where the sis was distinctly piggish, and she regaled my prong with a steely gaze as her hair flowed untamed around her shoulders.

'' front away girl ! '' Lord Garth cried, but to no avail and though I knew it not at once the housemaid was smitten.

'' Uh, it 's huge ! '' she said, `` Poor mamma ! ``

'' Hannah ! '' Lady Garth cried, `` depend away, normal men are not so well endowed, so concern not. ``

'' Earl Marchington ? '' Hannah asked.

'' How should I know, probably not, '' Lady Garth blushed, `` My Hannah is betrothed to Earl Marchington. ``

'' What old Freddie ! '' I asked.

'' No the old duffer, '' Hannah admitted, `` Freddie 's pop, '' she continued, `` He is rich people, we are not. ``

'' Your daughter is most onwards sir, '' I suggested as I tried to cover my prong even as the throng pushed into my room as more fall in to look into the commotion.

'' I 'd be wed by now if only Molly would get herself betrothed, '' Hannah argued.

'' Oh I see ! '' the fog cleared, slowly, `` And I have the only if prong long enough to penetrate the voluptuous cumulus of build that protect Molly 's ah, honour ? ``

'' Yes in a nut carapace. '' master Garth suggested.

'' Just get out all of you ! '' I demanded.

'' Then I demand one hundred guineas of I shall report that you abused me carnally in the Nox ! '' noblewoman Garth said triumphantly.

'' Did I ? '' I queried, `` How ? ``

'' Oh what a doubt ! '' she snorted.

'' Indeed, '' overlord Garth confessed, `` There are an hundred and more that will attest to waking up with my madam Garth. ``

'' Silence you imbecile, '' Lady Gath replied, `` You make me sound like a harlot ! ``

I looked around, there were seven crowded into the tiny room, the box bed and ward gown encroached further and there was still no sign of my knee breeches, nor undergarments.

'' And where exactly do you suppose we conjoined ? '' I asked. `` On the storey ? '' I spread my arms wide indicating there was an insufficiency of space, `` Or in the box bed ? '' I enquired.

'' On the bed of course ! '' the mother insisted.

'' And where should your spread legs go ? '' I asked.

'' Oh, indeed, '' Lord Garth agreed, `` The sides of the box bed would impinge most painfully. ``

'' With mamma on top then, '' Hannah declared.

'' Really, '' I enquired and I lay back on the bed and showed just how tightly the sides fitted me, `` And where would her genu go. ? ``

There was a whisper of linen, a flannel angel appeared and leapt upon the bed like a playful gun dog, `` Like so ! '' Hannah insisted, and she planted a knee each incline of my hip bones.

'' Your mother is neither sylphlike nor agile as you ! '' I declared.

'' But it is potential, '' Hannah insisted.

'' Hannah get down this instant ! '' Lady Garth cried, `` You are betrothed ! ``

But it was all too late for she began to drop down down, as as she did she pulled her shift and mine so that no one saw my prong lantern slide up the front of her belly and all believed I had pronged her.

'' Hannah ! '' Lady Garth cried, `` Get off him this minute

'' dullard girl ! '' Lord Garth added.

'' She must take a void like a cow if she could take that without a whimper, '' the maid observed.

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` Had I impaled her the unharmed Earth would suffer heard. ``

'' I stifled my screech, '' Hannah suggested as she bounced ineffectually upon my loins.

'' You could n't possibly, '' I said, `` I won best prong three terms running at schoolhouse ! ``

'' Yes I could ! '' she insisted.

'' prevaricator ! '' I replied.

'' Yes I could ! '' she challenged again, and in one ill advised movement I raised her up and as she fell I guided my prong towards her hymen, it parted with a scream that sent Corvus scattering a mile hence, `` Aggghhhhhh ! '' she cried, `` Desist I beg of you or I shall never take the air again ! ``

'' The painful sensation will put across soon enough, '' I suggested.

'' I can not bear it, '' she said and the binge flowed.

'' Just hitch still, '' I suggested as I sobered very quickly, `` Perhaps your honour is intact ? '' I asked hopefully.

'' With half your prong inside her I think not ! '' gentlewoman Garth insisted.

'' Half ! '' Hannah cried and as she stilled she found herself sinking agonisingly ever further onto my prong, providing me with such exquisite pleasure that I could stop myself no promote and I lay back middle closed to savor the here and now of expulsion.

'' Oh no, do n't you defy ! '' Lady Garth exclaimed but suddenly my pubes were pumping and a quart and more of my stickiness surged Forth within miserable Hannah.

'' Ohhhh, '' she gasped, `` Mummy ! ``

'' He 's claimed you you idiot ! '' Lady Garth cried, `` semen away, quickly, you saw naught nil do you try ! '' she insisted.

'' Oh, '' Hannah exclaimed when the door finally shut.

'' Oh indeed, '' I agreed.

'' I am, '' Hannah said quietly, `` Undone, ''

'' No thing, '' I suggested, `` Get old Marchington wino and he 'll never be any the wiser. ``

'' Was that only three component in ? '' she asked.

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` But climb off before I stiffen again. ``

'' Perhaps, '' she said, `` I do n't desire to, for when shall I ever see a loot winning prong again ? ``

'' You Minx ! '' I cried, `` You Jezebel, '' but my prong was resurgent and speared upward into her well lubricated innards with the greatest of simpleness.

'' Ohhh, '' she gasped at the renewed invasion, `` It 's Brobdingnagian ! ``

'' Is it too much ? '' I asked.

'' Perhaps ? '' she said, `` Perhaps not. ``

'' It 's not all the way in, '' I explained

'' Really ! '' she queried, `` It feels like it is, and more ! ``

'' No, it 's, the family expletive, '' I explained, `` Few fair sex can take the unit of a Pinkerton prong, those that can are woman of the street, '' I added, `` I am cursed never to find the perfect woman who can take my full length. ``

'' Then I am greatly relieved, '' she said and went to erect herself up but in doing so she slipped and slid down my prong even more, `` Nooooo, '' she wailed but to no effect for she was so dampish she slid right down to the very etymon of my prong, `` Like that ? '' she asked.

'' Oh gosh yes, oh Miss Garth, I am enraptured.

'' I am impaled, I fear the pain will never lessen, '' she protested.

'' Bear it stoically for indeed it will go through and for myself, '' I admitted, `` I am in complete ecstasy and in a mo I shall soothe your inner most function. ``

'' No you must not, '' she protested, but my pick was already boiling Forth from my loins, `` Please I pray, '' she continued, `` No, oh lord no, '' and a great torrent gushed from me and I saw Angel Falls and the whole heavenly host clapping and shouting and Hannah 's face had not the appearance of someone in pain sensation, oh no far from it, she was as enraptured as I.

'' I fear I shall never take the air properly again, '' she observed, `` You have ruined me utterly, '' she protested, `` No man shall want me now. ``

'' And you have shown even a slender woman might take my length and girth and bring me to the stature of ecstasy, '' I explained, `` volition you be my whore ? ``

'' Yes ! '' she agreed, as finally she climbed free of me, `` When I marry the duke I shall visit you regularly. ``

'' Every night ? '' I asked.

'' Oh no, I must spend the nights with my husband, '' she declared, as she tried to stem the flowage of my seminal fluid busily escaping her.

'' In that case conjoin me ! '' I challenged.

'' I thank you for the kind offer but, '' she paused, `` I can not think of a single rationality to refuse, except we do not jazz one another or like one another or. ``

'' But we do fornicate amiably enough, '' I interjected.

'' And you will subsist a life of sobriety ? '' she asked.

'' No, absolutely not ! '' I protested.

'' And terminate chasing fancy woman ? '' she suggested.

'' Only when you are indisposed, '' I agreed.

'' And will fuck me ? '' she asked.

'' I can try, '' I agreed.

'' And you will lie and say I am beautiful, '' she asked.

I looked at her, `` There is no demand for me to lie, you are beautiful, '' I told her.

'' Then so be it ! '' she agreed, `` I do n't need to marry a duke anyway, he smells. '' she confided and after a suited geological period she slipped from my room.

I found my clothes at length and dressed as smartly as yesterdays attire would tolerate and venture forth, my acquaintance had already been apprised of my betrothal by my intended young woman Hannah and I sat down to my meal to answer their taunts.

'' Pinkerton, what meal is this, a late break-fast or an betimes tiffin ? '' some wag asked,

'' I call it Brunch, '' I said, `` And later I shall take High Teadinner. ``

'' Do n't be an idiot ! '' Bobby Fawkes chided, `` Brunch, what a derisory notion, but why Pinkers ? '' he asked.

'' She took me musket ball deep, '' I said, `` Imagine, such a waife like countenance yet within there is a cleft of eight inches and more ! ``

'' Oh ? '' Algy enquired, `` And your way of uncovering ? ``

'' I pronged her of course of action ! '' I declared.

'' Oh ? '' Bobby declared, `` scare away it that 's a tad unsporting what with the duke having his spirit set. ``

'' Ah well, '' I said, `` When it comes to estate of the realm they will always be trumped by the prong. ``

'' Easy for you to say Pinkers, '' Sam Verney chipped in, `` But what about those of us with human size prongs not the egg of a prize bullshit. ''

'' Well that 's hardly my problem is it ? '' I informed them and I tucked into my brunch while wondering if shepherd pie, fried eggs, Baron Verulam and tomato was an entirely wise choice for my meal.

The noon came and with it my departure from the Southam Courtenay and its environs and for my issue home, the to a greater extent enobled having stayed with the fille Fotheringay at Sutton Courtenay motor hotel or the lodging house in the evidence and it was from there that a very angry Earl Marchington descended to rebuke me.

'' Pinkerton, where is Pinkerton, '' he demanded his piggy little centre bulging through immensely thick-skulled eyeglasses framed in the thickest frames I ever regaled as he bent his school principal up to comensate for his arched back and stumpy thick legs and a belly looker to seventy old age and more of imbibing and eating to excess.

'' Here sir ! '' Algy announced even as I tried to sneak away the book binding way.

'' Pinkerton you cad ! '' he cried, `` Come forth that I might have satisfaction ! ``

'' Sir ? '' I said as I had to return to the dining room to face him.

'' You abused my affiance ! '' he accused, `` I demand satisfaction ! ``

'' Bessie the landlords daughter is very fit, '' Bobby Fawkes suggested.

'' expiation sir ! '' he said, `` A duel ! ``

'' Indeed ? '' I enquired, `` Why ? ``

'' You ravished my wench ! '' he insisted, `` take your weapon system ! ``

'' Prongs at dawn ! '' Algy suggested.

'' You insult me sir, '' the Earl railed. `` I did not come here to be treated with insults ! ``

'' Oh, so precisely where do you go ? '' Algy enquired.

'' Prongs it is then sir, '' I said, `` We shall select two cyprian as like as alike as we may and the one that cries out loudest is the winner. ``

'' I meant the farsighted, '' Algy muttered.

'' You sir are depraved, '' the Earl muttered, `` Is the Landlord 's daughter abroad ? '' he asked, `` For do you know I feel inspiration. ``

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` Though she is as ugly as a pig with a sweetness to gibe, ''

'' Ah, then this is she ! '' he agreed as he espied a well padded young woman waddling towards us, `` Might I trouble you for a dalliance ? '' he asked his woolly-headed brain mistaking the woman for the Landlord 's daughter.

'' A dalliance ? '' she demanded, `` A flirtation ! '' for far from the Landlord 's daughter it was indeed mollie Garth, Hannah 's babe that had come to see me.

'' You mock me ! '' the Earl demanded, `` You think I am unequal to ! ''
I nearly burst my position with the efforts of stifling my laughter

'' No sir, no but a dalliance ? '' she said.

'' Dalliance, pronging, fornication, call it what you will, '' he demanded, `` I have inspiration and I demand satisfaction ! ``

'' Damn it girl, my Divine Earl Marchington has demand, '' I insisted, as I almost shook with laughter, `` Disrobe now I say ! ``
'' Earl ? '' she queried, `` Earl Marchington ! ``

'' Indeed, quickly girl, '' he declared, `` I have stirring ! ``

Fat ugly and slow moving as she was mollie was not entirely stupid, `` Oh then let me console you, '' she lisped, and looked to me for assistance.

'' Disrobe, use my room, no the dining tabular array might answer. '' I suggested.

'' No ! '' Molly protested, `` I can not ! ``

'' lend a deal Pinkerton, before the desire fades ! '' the Earl cried, and before I could respond both Algy and Bobby had stepped forward and after a endorsement thought so Sam came forward and they gently eased Molly towards the dining table, `` Disrobe her man ! '' the Earl cried.

'' For shame sake ! '' Molly cried as I watched, `` Unhand me ! '' she cried again but to my shame I just stood aside and watched as mollie was pulled towards the table and then reversed against it and rolled on her back and it was the body of work of a moment to pull her skirts and underskirts up and so reveal her bloated belly and the mickle of fur hiding her slot.

The Earl was now scrabbling at his boot laces, his breeches around his articulatio talocruralis and his prong revealed, some four or five inch in length yet improbably fat like his belly.

I looked at his prong and her belly and back again, it would never do, `` On the border of the table ! '' I ordered, seeing that the Earl 's prong and table stood at the Lapplander height or thereabouts and at my summons so the mating began, a elaborate affair, with Algy holding molly 's shoulders and Sam and Bobby holding her peg asplayed as the Earl approached with his prong rampant and slid it neatly within the pelt of her expansion slot.

'' Oh ! '' Molly gasped as the Earl claimed her.

'' Like it do you wench ? '' The Earl asked.

poor mollie, she knew not what to reply so she held her tongue while the Earl amused himself for a few moments until his eyes rolled signifying his moment of release and at that very moment Molly 's mother stepped into the room.

'' Molly ! '' the mother cried.

'' I say ! '' the Earl cried, `` You might knock ! ``

'' Un hand my daughter ! '' she cried.

'' This is not your daughter this is the Landlord 's maid, '' the Earl cried, `` Can you not see she is fat as an ox and ugly as a wild boar ? ``

'' That sir is mollie my older daughter, '' Lady Garth insisted, `` Now pull your breeches up sir lest the fathead bump on your backside frightens the horses. ``

'' Are you sure ? '' he asked, `` Your girl you say ? '' he asked.

'' Yes ! '' Lady Garth insisted, `` And you barbarians holding poor mollie down ! ''

'' My eye she would be a great solace of a frosty nighttime, '' the Earl confessed, `` Nice and plump and willing. ``

'' You said she was ugly as a pig, my lord, '' I reminded him.

'' It matters not when the candles are blown out. '' he agreed, `` attend untried Pinkerton, lets bury our duelling, you have the thin one and I 'll take aim the plump one, are we agreed. ``

'' Indeed sir a majuscule suggestion, '' I agreed.

'' Do I have no say in this ? '' Molly asked.

'' No, not if you are to be a Countess ! '' gentlewoman Garth intoned, `` We shall get the name changed on the marriage licence forthwith, is three calendar week the following Sat convenient for the wedding my lord. ``

'' I believe so, '' the Earl agreed, `` Damn it I shall hold it so. ``

'' But what about me ! '' Hannah protested.

'' I shall tie you ! '' I reminded her.

'' But you are a inebriate and a adulterer ! '' Hannah 's mother protested.

'' Agreed, but I do have my faults, '' I admitted.

'' And when shall you marry me ? '' Hannah asked.

'' This very minute if you wish, '' I suggested

'' Before the lord ! '' she insisted.

'' Ah, '' Lord Garth suddenly announced, `` Have a double celebration, save me a portion do n't you know.

'' Yes ! '' noblewoman Garth agreed, wistfully, `` You always were a chinchy skate why not tell the macrocosm ! ``

'' And where shall we endure ? '' Hannah asked.

'' Oh lord knows, '' I replied, `` London, or Barsetshire or Scotland, follow the time of year, '' I explained.

'' But we must go down down, buy a menage ! '' Hannah insisted, `` An estate of the realm perhaps ! ``

'' Buy another house ! '' I protested, `` Damn it I have four already, Id'rather sell one than buy another ! ``

'' Four houses ? '' she said in amazement.

'' Big ones, hundreds of peasants hovels of course. '' I admitted, `` I leave all that to my man ! ``

'' Yes well, '' madam Garth interjected, `` We well have it away how prone to exaggeration Lord Pinkerton is. ``

'' Me, exaggerate, '' I protested, `` On the obstinate Madam, I habitually down play my endowment so as not to fright the fillies. ``

'' I do n't mean your prong ! '' dame Garth explained, `` I mean your wealth. ``

'' If Hannah loves me then material things will not count. '' I insisted, `` For where else will she retrieve such a fulfilling prong ? ``

'' Is that right female parent ? '' Hannah queried.

'' How should I get it on ? '' the female parent asked in embarrassment.

'' Why there is hardly a handmaiden that you have not at some clip serviced, '' Maker Grath reminded her, `` Indeed Hannah has the flavour of Colonel Templeman about her do you not think ? ``

'' No ! '' Lady Garth protested, `` She does not ! ``

'' fountainhead she looks very fine in any case, '' I explained, `` So if you will apologise us I shall prompt my dear of the advantage of marrying me ! '' and I snatched her up and whisked her away to my way and pronged her anew, though it must be admitted that when faced with that awkward box bed and cramped room it proved most efficatious when she sat on the very bound of the bed and then as I stood and pronged her so I lifted her exonerated from the floor forcing my humanity so deep into her that she squealed and wailed in ecstasy even as she wrapped her legs around me and I walked around the bedroom supporting her solely with my prong and there I found heaven .