Anna was going to stay with me for a month, but that month turned into two. Then three. Now the new class was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not care, of course, as I was madly in lovemaking with her, but the doubtfulness had consumed me. Was she a roommate ? booster ? lover ? Thomas More ?

The time to get"the public lecture"was that inaugural week, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few more fourth dimension, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the detail of our relationship. Anna did not seem to bear in mind - she clearly did not need it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the windowpane closed. She met Baron Clive of Plassey at a swap meet in early November. They went on a date. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no longer sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come home a few Nox a week. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say affair like,"God, you're such a cracking guy. You deserve to receive someone."It killed me. I DID deserve it, she was good. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Baron Clive of Plassey. Fucking Clive.

By December she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her husband and finding her own place in the new twelvemonth. She was very clear that she felt like she was a core to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as clear that I didn't care. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a gibe at Christmastide. Clive was going to his parent's abode in Colorado. Anna was driving to meet him on Dec. 26, but she had no program for Christmas day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had nix to do. I suggested we stay in and drink wine-coloured and ascertain TV. She agreed.

I knew the natural endowment I got her was of import. I mean, just getting her a present was not enough. I needed a instruction. There's a difference between a friend gift and a buff gift. I wanted to get her a buff talent. I wanted a bally substance to be sent in big, bold, chapiter, thank-the-baby-Jesus letters. No doubt. No confusion.

I got her a twain of diamond earrings. It was the sort of thing she'd never get herself. I wrote a speech, too. I had facts on how yearn it takes a diamond to be formed, and how charge and precision and luck had to be exactly right for it to fall out. It was a miracle, really. And just as miraculous, I segued, was how practically she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for nearly of my life, and I wanted to evince her how limited she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my air pocket, in display case I stumbled. It was my moment. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in case, you know, I got a safety natural endowment : Warm socks.

So on Christmas day, we were finished with bottle two. She got that happy-kid grin on her face and said she had gotten me a present. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was giddy. I grabbed her two talent and put them behind my back, under the shock, almost sure I would afford her the buff giving, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in vitrine, I put the socks back there, too.

fivesome hour later, she came back to the support room, tears streaking down her face. Clive had hidden a short wrapped box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a yoke of adorable diamond earrings. She glided around the room, calling him on her cell to assure him how much she loved them. I swallowed my tongue. FUCKING CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 giving lineup to GameStop. I gave her the wind sleeve. I had lost the conflict, the battle and the war.

***

I had very specific design for New year's Eve : I was going to drink heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the liquor store and bought a twenty percent of vodka. As I was about to go over out, I looked at the 70-proof feeding bottle of loud hooch and though,"Hmm, is this enough ?"I bought two. And I don't even toast vodka.

I really wanted to dark out before Ryan Seacrest showed his roll in the hay tanned face on the CRT screen. Robert Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. Blonde whisker. highlight. Short. Perfect smile. Extremely gracious and polite and wizardly and peculiar. He had always been scented to me. A really valet, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a large glass of liquidness poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing alcoholic beverage. Still, I had a destructive run that was pointing right at my liver and stomach. I tried to ignore the tone and took a big gulp.

My esophagus was still burning when my cell rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"Hello ?"

"Is this a bad meter ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her vocalism cracked. I could assure she was choking back tears."I, uh. Are you home ? Are you out ?"

"I'm home. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … plunk me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Clive he, uh … we had a fight. You know ? I just need to get home base and I left my debit batting order at nursing home and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. Look, it's aplomb. Where are you ? I will leave now."

***

Anna did not talk much on the way menage, just a few thank yous. By the time we got back to the apartment, it was a little after 10. She looked stunning, even with her makeup running down her buttock. Her blotto putting green garb hugged her breaking ball. I felt underdressed, what with my jeans and a t-shirt.

She went back to her elbow room, only to reemerge a little before 12. Her hair was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a tight T. I wanted to kiss her. It was the kit she wore the back night we were together.

She sat down beside me on the couch. She had a vino glass in her hand and motioned toward my bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her glass up and sank back, her feet curled under her. Her eyes were red, but she was no longer crying.

"Do you want to talk ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a nookie idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"First my married man, now Robert Clive. I must have a particular attraction to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in Colorado River over the weekend … but his married woman. She called when he was in the bathroom, and I picked up his cellular phone. She was as surprise to found out about me as I was to found out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the nerve to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her potable, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the thing is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lie down snake. I sensed it. I tried to stuff it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something fake. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. Sort of stared. Then a snort. Then a replete laugh. I started laughing, too. She spilt a fiddling of her drinkable on herself and laughed more. We were both repeat over.

"God,"she said, wiping the snag away."You are rightfield. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an idiot. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. Look, you WANT to get it on someone. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad things. There are defective qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on promise and destiny and all that other fairy tale hooey. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be well-chosen and to want the best in others. We live in a cynical world. We need more ‘ you,'LE ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her head on my shoulder."You are a just booster,"she said. My mettle sank. I was such a gull. It was five money box midnight.

We watched Time Square on TV in silence, Anna taking the periodic sip from her wine glass. Her read/write head stayed on my shoulder. We watched the countdown, the felicitous faces shriek and yelling. When the clock ticked one endorsement, Anna turned and gently grabbed my head, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but zero was like this. It was unfermented and mollify and load down with significance. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her paw caressing my cheek. She put down her wine drinking glass and started to locomote, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the room."No. No."

"What's untimely ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? kiss you ? I thought you liked that ? We're friends. It's OK …"

"shag Anna. We are NOT friends. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to know I love you, right ? I mean, you are a overbold daughter. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're friends. I can't rent it."

rent were in her eyes again. I couldn't spirit at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want someone to make love you and treat you right and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her hand through her hair and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not sustain a gaze. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you love me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"Fuck, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't start now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would get no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the sofa. I folded my hands across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to lose me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my life, but I can't sit back and watch you date guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your problems. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can give you what you want. And I can't sit back and look out this parade of losers. I can't be your safety net."

"I know."

I covered my heart with my hand, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nose in eighth grade. I brushed the fuzz back, off my forehead. It felt heavy in the room.

"I am dreary to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my hired hand again. She pulled it to her chest, against her heart. I turned to attend at her."buss me,"she said."Kiss me. Let's fig the balance out later. I promise. I want this. Please ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a fixing agent. She hated pain sensation in mass. I wasn't sure enough if this was actual or her way of healing a wound. But I was weak. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex lots, but I am not sure I had ever made honey to mortal. I had never connected with someone on a primal level. But I did with Anna that night. It was gentle and raw and excited. On my sofa. As Ryan Seacrest spoke in the background.

I stripped her apparel off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my cock as I wrapped her legs around me. I eased into her, slipping my weaponry around her waist so I could pull her tight against me. It was the first off clock time I had been completely inside of her. I tried to get the import last.

Our bodies responded to each early. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her lips never left mine. I could try out the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks from her rent on her lips. Her tongue was aggressive but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my spine and kissed me hard. She said my name and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the tablet. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my mind back so I could see her eyes. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A grin of recognition. I kissed her as I came, my prick exploding into the abyss of happiness and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my sofa, wrapped in a blanket. Her legs wrapped around mine, her head on my thorax and her fingers playfully running through my hair.

"I think this changes everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able to look at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few seconds later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my mind raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .