`` What floor ? '' I asked as I looked down from the scaffolding richly above Magdelene Street while
answering my cell phone.

'' The couch base, '' a woman with a plummy accent insisted, `` It 's staining the cap downstairs it really is not good enough ! ``

'' And where is this ? '' I asked, she told me, it did n't register.

'' London ! '' she said.

'' That was weeks ago ! '' I explained.

'' fountainhead it 's not good enough, either you rectify it at no cost or I shall sue. ``

'' OK, text me the address, '' I agreed, `` I 'll see what I can do. ``

'' I want rather more than a dim hope, '' she said, `` You finish at five, I shall have a bun in the oven you at seven this evening, that should give you meter for shower and a Malva sylvestris burger. ``

'' That 's rush hour ! '' I protested.

'' Leaving London darling, not coming in, seven o'clock or I sue. ``

I did n't have a great deal choice really, so I thew my putz in the old transportation at knocking off time and headed round mammy for a bite to eat and a shower before hitting the M40 eastern United States bound.

The traffic was n't bad, not my way, westbound was like a car Park but I went well until past the M25 where it got a bit sticky.

I got round her place around ten to seven, an old fashioned townspeople theater with a few stair up to the front end threshold and a few down to the basement, probably 1880 ish, bath stone faced to first level level then render, a red brick structure basically thrown up on the cheap.

'' You 're betimes, '' she said censoriously as she opened the front door.

'' We aim to please, '' I quipped.

'' wellspring amend your aim, '' she said as she stepped back to allow me into the hallway. She looked later thirty-something acted like ninety, snotty bitch.

The kitchen door opened, `` Mistress, '' a daughter 's voice trilled.

'' Not now kitten, '' the woman insisted.

'' But fancy woman, I have to be, oops ! '' she said.

I stared, she was wearing a maids outfit about four sizing too small, her breasts swelled over the top and it barely reached below her navel which must have been chilly as she was n't wearing any knickers.

'' Sorry mistress. '' she said.

'' Well close the door, and put your orb back in, they 're on still hunt ! '' the 'Mistress .'insisted, `` You simply ca n't get the stave. ``

'' But ! '' I said stupidly.

'' Oh arouse up and smell the chocolate, '' she insisted, `` Really the small mindedness of the typical British people actor never fails to astonish me. ``

'' None of my business gentlewoman. '' I agreed, `` Or is that mistress. ``

'' Do n't bear on it. '' she said as she locked the outside door behind me, `` But we are not here to discuss my sexual orientation, nor yours for that matter. ``

She led me through to the lounge, strangely the trading floor was as I left it, sealed tongue and groove stripped pine, it looked fine.

'' What 's the trouble ? '' I asked as I noticed a strong smell of disinfectant.

'' It leaks, '' she said, `` It is staining the basement ceiling. ``

'' What leaks ? '' I asked.

'' The floor, '' she said, `` leakage, you were instructed to seal it. ``

'' Not against water making water, '' I explained, `` But the occasional spillage should be fine. ``

'' That is not what we agreed, '' she insisted.

'' I suppose I could throw it another coating, '' I offered, `` Why does it smell of germicide ? ``

'' You had better see the basement, '' she said, and she swept past me and led me down the step from the spacious Bodoni font kitchen to the old cramped kitchen below and through to the store way formerly servants mansion house beneath the lounge.

The ceiling was stained brown.

'' Crikey, that 's not water system, '' I said, and I rubbed my finger against the low ceiling and tasted it, `` That 's, yuck, where does the bathymetry go. ``

'' Can you seal it ? '' she asked.

'' No, this is the foul drain, null to do with me, '' I said.

'' You said seal, come upstairs again Mr Allington, '' she said, `` Let me demonstrate. ``

She went back to the lounge, `` Pippa ! '' she said, `` demo our guest the problem. ``

'' Mistress ? '' she queried, `` But he 's a man Mistress ? ``

'' Very nearly Pippa, '' she said, `` But show him how you show contriteness. ``

'' I ca n't madam. '' she said firmly.

'' I 'll get the cat in a hour, '' the 'Mistress ,'threatened.

My mind boggled, she had done her unspoiled but her teat still bulged from her top and at least the freighter duo of inch of her twat were clearly displayed below the hem of her skirt.

'' No please schoolmistress, '' she pleaded.

'' So do it you stupid youngster, '' she insisted.

I had no idea what was about to happen when quite improbably she squatted down and started to do a wee on the polished floor.

'' Bleedin'snake pit ! '' I swore, `` No damnably wonder it escape and malodor, have n't you ever heard of lavatories, Thomas Crapper, Armitage merchandise and all that ? ''

'' And in your small minded world have you no knowledge of water mutation ? '' she asked.

'' Certainly have, '' I said, `` Surfing at Newquay, Jet Skis, water skiing, but not pissing on the living way storey. ``

'' And it had no effect on you at all ? '' she asked.

'' No, '' I lied for my old man had come to aliveness quite painfully if I was honest, stuck down my pant leg when he needed some space,

'' Come Mr Allingon, '' she said, `` You have an erection which would n't disgrace a broad grown rabbit. ``

'' Hey ? '' I queried, `` What do you mean cony ? ``

'' Precisely, '' she explained, `` I am afraid I much prefer a nice unbending forearm to the transitory awkwardness of the virile member, have I shocked you Mr Allington ? ``

She certainly had, `` No, '' I lied, `` Well pissing on the flooring is a bit of a gob smack if I 'm dependable. ``

'' She 's very, dear to me, so I keep her on a poor rein, '' the 'Mistress'explained, `` She has a delightfully diminutive fist. ``

Pippa was smiling coyly at me, `` But she does like hammer, '' the Mistress said sadly.

'' What exactly as this to do with sealing trading floor ? '' I asked.

'' Your erecting vernal man, '' she explained, `` I fear you have designs on my comrade. ``

'' Of line I got a grueling on ! '' I said, `` Who would n't ? ``

'' 90 seven pct of the adult universe, '' she replied, `` Watersports is a nonage juju Mr Allington. ``

'' Right, '' I agreed, `` Well given the pick I would choose the old Thomas potty urinal to the living room floor any day. ``

'' But, given the pick of her rima oris, my lip, in my hair, in her whisker, Mr Allington ? '' she asked.

'' I, I never gave it a thought, '' I admitted.

'' The exemption to go when the mood takes you, '' she queried.

'' They used to proceed chamber pots under the bed when my grand dad was a boy, '' I agreed.

'' Not quite my degree Mr Allington, '' she conceded, `` But you did n't reply, does n't the thought of your urine arcing through the air to pawn my clothes, my brassiere, my boob, does that not excite you ? ``

'' I, '' I said.

'' Your lip are unsounded yet your cock speaks mass, '' she said delightedly.

'' You do n't care tool, '' I reminded her.

'' No, but Pippa does, '' she admitted, `` Poor girl she is so delightful yet I can not quite reciprocate, I am not hardhearted Mr Allington, but neither am I dazed, which is why I keep Pippa on a short tether, from her revealing article of clothing to. ``

'' She 's a prisoner ? '' I asked.

'' To all intent and purposes, '' she conceded, `` I treat her like a dog. ``

'' Excuse me ? '' I said.

'' I take her for walks in the park, '' she said, `` Have I shocked you, after dark you understand, with the poop Georgia home boy. ``

'' Right ? '' I said.

'' She is not allowed to use the lavatory, ever, she just mops up afterwards, '' she explained, `` Like a dog, a bitch. ``

'' And that turns you on ? '' I asked incredulously.

'' Absolutely, and I see I am not alone ! '' she laughed.

I had my paw down my jeans, my prick was twisted up with my underpants and it was agony.

'' Mr Allington ! '' she said, `` please ! ``

'' feel, it 's not what it looks like, '' I said.

'' Masturbating, '' she said, `` Is a rather individualistic activity not readily mistaken for any other. ''

'' I 'm just uncomfortable that 's all, '' I protested.

'' Which is clearly why you are masturbating, '' she declared.

'' Look, '' I said, `` You need coats and coats of seal, yacht varnish or something seriously waterproof, '' I explained, `` Not just sealing, you should have explained what you had in mind when you had the billet done, I just subbed on the flooring. ``

'' Subbed ? '' she said, `` You are hardly a sub Mr Allington. ``

'' Sub contract, strictly Harrisons are apt, '' I explained.

'' No, I paid you directly Mr Allington, '' she explained.

'' That was just a technicality, '' I explained.

'' Which never the less makes you liable. '' she pointed out.

'' So. I 'll do the sealing again, '' I said.

'' Which you admit will not heal the problem ? '' she said.

'' No it needs right waterproofing, '' I told her.

'' How a lot ? '' she asked.

'' Maybe ten coats, '' I said, `` twenty four hour to dry between, its farcical ! ``

'' I 'll pay for materials, '' she said.

'' Great, '' I said, `` There 's travelling and. ''

'' I 'll pay for petrol, '' she said.

'' No way, '' I insisted.

'' Think about pissing in Pippa 's mouthpiece, '' she said, `` Or mine. ``

'' What ? '' I demanded.

'' I think you understand exactly what I am offering. ``

I stared, you know, a stuck up, upper middle class gripe, who would n't need to pass water in her face ? but Pippa, well, to be reliable I just wanted to ram my straining cock deep in her afters pink pussy.

'' I do n't screw, '' I said, `` It will be a lot of work. ``

'' And a lot of fun, '' she added, `` And Pippa has n't had any cock for ages have you sweetie ? ``

'' No fancy woman, '' Pippa agreed.

'' And you do like cock do n't you ? '' the 'Mistress'asked.

'' I like you finger's breadth and my toy dog Mistress, '' Pippa replied.

'' But she prefers pecker, '' the 'Mistress'confirmed, `` I too have a soft bit for it but as I mentioned a rigid forearm beats a conciliatory hammer on every bingle level.

'' If we do this, like we need the whole room bare, no furniture, it will be about a week after the last coating before you can risk using it again, twelve hours before you dare even walk on it. ``

'' Oh, '' she said, `` I see. ``

'' But why do n't you have a wet room in the cellar, tile the floor like a exhibitioner, tile the bulwark a bit too, not Edward Douglas White Jr. but maybe slating grey or something, then you can make for there, '' I suggested.

'' Yes, why not indeed, as a temporary measure and for those horrific wet nights, '' she enthused, `` How much ? ``

I did a bit of mental, `` Well to make a job we really need to take up out the existing, stick in a membrane. ``

'' How a great deal ? '' she demanded. I gave her a testicle park, `` Really ? and how long ? ``

'' Two days, then you 'll require a plumber to do the shower heads or sprinklers, '' I suggested.

'' When can you start. '' she asked.

'' Monday workweek if I can get the tiles, if you 're not fussed colour wise it should be easy enough. ''

'' Excellent, '' she agreed, `` Email me the final reference and I am sure as shooting we have a stack. Can I get you a glass of something before you go ? '' she asked.

I looked longingly at Pippa as she gently fingered her exposed cunt while she looked longingly at the gibbousness in my jeans.

'' No, thanks, breathaliser and all that, '' I said apologetically.

'' good, then I 'll see you out, thank you. '' she said.

'' Good, yes, '' I said as I stood up, `` arrivederci Pippa, nice to see you, '' I said and she blushed crimson, it was n't what I meant so I expect I blushed as well.

I went through the hallway and the 'Mistress'showed me out through the presence door, `` The Tradesman 's entrance is down the steps to the right, '' she explained, `` Goodbye Mr Allington. '' the 'Mistress'said as I went outside.

'' thoroughly dark, '' I said, I nearly said 'Mistress ,'but I did n't and I went back to the passage with a big smiling on my face, I just turned a complaint into two sidereal day paid work.

Now that 's a result,

Oh you wanted to hear about the other stuff, now hang on, I 'm a detergent builder not a bloody deviate !

To be continued