My First Lesbian Experience

It was late. It was raining. And dark. And cold.

The speech sound of the folk group wafted down the street from the Flying horse as I nibbled at something that might once feature been a cod before it was cremated and sealed in cardboard flavoured yellow concrete and stuffed in newspaper with fade of raw potato.

I opened the pub door as the magnetic north eats premier ( and only ) Lesbian anti Pedophile band Boris and the Pedos sang.
"String the buggers up"
"String the sodomite up"
"There's nothing as vile as a pedophile, so string the sodomist up !"An hearing of three peel fountainhead and an old codger who mistook it for Antoine Domino night sat there bored out their skulls.

"All right Johnno ?"Boris the moderate singer shouted as her stria rested between numbers.

Nearly bald, five five over twenty stone, squeezed into extra enceinte jean three sizing too minor with a leather crownwork what had probably been old when the first man war was on she was the sort of butch lesbian who got butch lesbians a bad name.

Mind you the way she liked fucking convicted pedos up the ass with a sledge hammer handgrip made me wonder whether she actually was a lesso. She had cracking bass voice baritone voice though, pity she was intone deaf.

"Not so bad, how's it going ?"I asked.

"Not so bad,"she said,"Any favorites ?"

"Bit of poetry ?"I suggested,"The gallows tree ?"

"Sit thee down, and rest awhile."
"And watch out the lonely pedophile."I started

"As swaying gently in the piece of cake, he dangles from the gallows tree !"she finished, ah that's poetry.

"You can't bring food in here,"Sandra the barmaid shouted.

"Its from the kabob shop, I don't reckon it counts as food,"I moaned.

"Them fucking cunts hates us,"Harley Charlie, the moped riding master skinhead announced,"They ought to fuck off back where the come from."

"Where fucking Oldham ?"his mate asked.

"Who gives a fucking, lets have a sing song, that old one,"he said drunkenly,"White Cliffs of capital of Delaware !"

"We'll chow Pedos over, the White Cliffs of capital of Delaware, tomorrow just you wait and see."

"We'll get all them bastards and chuck the eternal rest over after,"I suggested,"Then we'll be fucking Pedo barren !"

"You got the lyric Johnno ?"Boris asked.

"No I just fucking made it up, Christ fucking christ."I replied.

"Make a cracking disc,"Charlie said, and he stood up,"Need a shit, get the drinks in Nobber."

"Why the fuck do I always get to get the drunkenness in ?"Nobber asked.

"‘ lawsuit your on benefits, no one else got any hard cash ?"I suggested.

"Fucking gruelling piece of work, benefit, having to remember to fucking limp."Nobber said, but no one gave a fuck.

"What you having Johnno ?"Sandra asked.

"Anal ?"I suggested.

"To drink not later you filthy bastard !"Sandra retorted and Boris flashed me a black spirit, she must bear thought she had pulled.

"scum bag piss,"I said.

"You can have one Frank Stella ‘ cause I know what your the like after a few dry pint eh Mr Floppy !"Sandra laughed.

"All fucking right, it was only once."I stammered as me face went bright red,"Ever gear up me."

"Fuck anything anything any time ?"John Richard Morris Hunt the bookie from Matson street walked out the bog and started taunting me. hunting the Cunt as we called him.

"Long as its over 18, and has a cunt and a pulse,"I protested.

"Like a cow ?"he laughed.

"Technically they has a vestibule not a cunt,"I said using my superscript reason gained from watching pointless fuck game shows and similar crap on pointless fucking daytime TV.

"Her then,"he said pointing at Boris.

"shtup off she's a fucking Lesso."I said supportively.

"L quid says you can't."He suggested.

"Fifty quid each ?"Boris asked.

"Two hundred, make it five !"Holman Hunt the Cunt taunted.

"Christ,"Boris said,"I could use a few quid as it happens."

"Oh for shtup sake,"Hunt sighed,"I was taking the piss."

"We heard,"Harley Charlie chuckled,"What you reckon Johnno ?"

"Yeah, why not, I'm up for it."I lied. Deliverer it would be halfway to turning fucking gay. Fucking a fat bald geezer even if it did have a puss somewhere under the ugly great folds of belly skin.

"This I just got to see !"Sandra said. What I didn't know was she texted all her partner and said to arrive round and watch.

"So what's your game ?"Nobber asks hunt club the Cunt.

"Just like to see Lesbos sorted out,"he sniggered.

"Wants a share of the CCTV rights more like,"I sighed knowing half of Saudiafuckingrabia had seen my ass bobbing around on some porn channel streamed from the CCTV as I gave Sandra a portion one Night after lock up.

"Lads what do you choose me for ?"hunt club asked.

"Money grabbing cunt,"Harley Charlie said nicely.

"Yeah well making money's me hobby ennit ?"Hunt laughed,"Go on. I'll make it a grand each."

"I dunno,"I said,"What you reckon Boris ?"

"If your up for it I am."she said,"I need the cash."

"Getting up for its the problem,"I thought to me self as I tried to shut me heart and think of England, or actually that picture in Nippon smut Farm three where the Jap girls all strip off on the parade ground and set forth doing recitation until the blokes start fucking them.

It was no safe, me cock did a passable impersonation of a Gallic S Cargo ( Snail ).

"In the rearwards room ?"I suggested.

"Lock the door Sandra,"Hunt suggested.

"screw that me mates is coming,"Sandra explained.

"Oh fucking jesus."I thought.

"right hand lets do one Thomas More set of can buy me love,"Boris called as she twanged a horrible row from her authentic Taiwanese Scatocaster Guitar, It might have worked respectable if she had noticed it was for 120 volt not 240 but reading and thinking were not exactly her strong points.

"Buy me a diamond doughnut you cunt and you can sleep with me tonight."
"Stick it up me bum you cunt and I'll make it all seem right.
"case all I want is,"“ Lots of money and Money can buy me love,"
"Can buy me luh-uv,"
she wailed.

poor old Macker Lennon must have been turning in his pit.

Actually the pub was filling nicely.

Boris was starting another set.

"Tie a roll in the hay pedo round the old oak tree diagram
If he fucking dies its all right wing by me."

"Who writes this shit ?"Hunt asked.

I never admitted anything,"Its satire,"I said.

"ass racist,"he said shaking his head.

"Across the sea, where all the priests are paedophile, ''
"Celibate means the fucking lot are gay."Boris warbled to what might well take in been supposed to be the melodic phrase to"Danny Boy."

"Deliverer sake Johnno she'll be on the racist bull next do something !"Sandra hissed in me lug hole as the pub filled with her mates.

I stepped up to the mike, I got a one-half in good order vocalism, well it was ok till it broke, kind of split up down the middle more like, when me balls dropped."You all know this one,"I shouted and started singing a crapello, that means on me tod.

"The Dew on the meadow, the mist on the stream.
The river runs down to the sea."

"We gather together to recognize the cockcrow
and England belongs to me."

Boris's mate crashed in a few random chords on bass Guitar which was handy because I started far too high

"So bugger the spaniards and bugger the anuran, and bugger the old EEC
The unit shtup Eurozone can get stuffed 'cause England belongs to me."

"Italians are pedopiles so are the krauts, the gloss have all got VD
So lets get and build an atomic bomb calorimeter and louse up them to buggery."

"And blow them to Bug, and fluff them to Bug,"

"And muck up them to bug er ree !"I finished as a solo and then tried to attain a run for it.

"Bloody nether region that was fucking brilliant !"this pissed up tart with DD pap and light-haired fuzz straight out of a spraying can who might induce passed for 25 on a nighttime Nox where you couldn't see the wrinkles under her eyes cooed as she pressed her nipple against me.

Suddenly S Cargo turned to frankfurter, well more like Calluna vulgaris hold if I'm true ‘ cause I wont see twenty dollar bill again in a rushing like either.

"Ohhh you are a big boy,"she cooed as she cupped me balls through me jeans.

"Its now or never,"I thought as I pulled away from her.

"And now the primary issue,"I said,"Drum roll please Karen."

"I'm fucking Elsie you blind jackass !"the drummer replied but she started smacking hell out of the drum skins all same.

"Go for it ?"Boris asked.

I nodded.

She pulled down her skin cockeyed extra great dungaree and the biggest bowl of garden pink belly fat you ever did see cascaded down completely hiding what looked like a tiny couple of pinko panties.

Me ardour was fading. ( Posh vernacular for me rooster was shrinking, fast )

"control stick it anywhere no one will notice !"Boris hissed as I dropped my pant and pushed her against the bar.

Now any sensible fucker would have rubbered up but I didn't have time, and anyway contrive A was to shoot down up somewhere under a curl of flabby under her belly clit but wouldn't you know whoremaster Thomas went straight for the moist spot. I reckon she must have fancied the blonde prostitute with the DDs same as I had.

The feel of me mere cock head on a moist cunt rim is much the same whether its Brianny or Mad Donna or someone what looks like some fuckers grandad and I made the mistake of shutting me eyes.

Next fucking thing I was going for it. Fucking JT was in. right hand up, that fucking flab was soft as piece of tail and just flowed out the way. She was truly fucked. I was truly fucked.

"Oh god."I moaned but I never had the sense to stop.

"No don't that feels too gracious, for fucks sake Johnno !"Boris was wailing.

I started going for it, like a fucking terrier against a First Duke of Wellington boot, it felt too fucking unspoiled. It was all incorrect and then the imperativeness release warning device went off in me bollocks.

"Ready or not I'm coming !"I shouted and to a bloody big cheer I shot me load.

"Fake !"someone cried.

"He fucking didn't he slimed me !"Boris protested and she showed three of her pudgy digit inside her and dragged them out glistening with spunk.

Fucking applause all troll, fucking ten stone and a bit weakling and a butch les. It must have looked hilarious, like one of them little male spiders fucking them huge female person black widder wanderer except I hadn't been ate yet.

"Pay time,"I said as John Hunt tried to purloin away.

"Fair do's you earned it,"he laughed and he flashed a wad of notes. I flicked through.

"And the rest,"I said without counting.

He coughed up another ton or so which brought it just over two grand which was fair.

"You really would eff anything you fucking louse,"Sandra said.

"Fucking pot calling the fuck tympanum,"I said,"At least I get a magisterial not a one-half of lager beer and a few chips."

"Too shay,"she said,"Anyway its caoutchouc for you now, you don't know where that's been."

"Fucking morning after anovulatory drug, is the later night chemist still open ?"I asked.

"I crumbled two in her vodka and orange,"Sandra said,"somebody has to look after you."

"I know,"I said,"I am grateful."

"Elsie says if I have IVF and have triple we can get a 3 bedroom council planetary house straight away,"Sandra said all sinless like.

"Not that fucking grateful,"I said as Boris decided not to rile trying to hale her belly back in her jeans but to stick the spare part mike up her cunt instead as she launched in to song.

"He's got a Pedo's bollocks in his deal,
He's got his peter and ballock in his handwriting,"and as she sang,
'' He's got a Pedo's bollocks in his hand, '' again the the audience joined in with.
"And he'll rip the fuckers off !"

"There ain't no room for Pedo's in this Land,"they continued.

I'd had sufficiency, I felt sick, that was pretty low fucking a ugly butch Les for money, Ok comfortably than sweeping road or collecting tax or walking the streets like a plodding but pretty all-fired low.

I opened the door. There were half a dozen uniforms sheltering in the porch.

"Oh its you Allthwaite,"the Police serjeant said knowingly,"Off dwelling ?"

"Nah off down the Mosk for Fri Prayers."I corrected him.

"Its Tuesday,"the sergeant-at-law corrected,"This gentleman's gentleman is your literal Black Moslem Gay lesbian transsexual member of every bloody nonage the home base post has ever heard of and plenty more beside, arrest him at your peril."

My repute had preceded me"Box ticking,"I agreed.

"Just fuck off."He said.

So I did, and they arrested some blighter who came out his gaff in his nightshirt to kick about the row.

Its a funny old world.

And that was me firstly sapphic experience .