My number 1 gay woman Experience

It was late. It was raining. And black. And cold.

The sound of the family line grouping wafted down the street from the Flying horse cavalry as I nibbled at something that might once accept been a cod before it was cremated and sealed in cardboard flavoured yellow concrete and stuffed in newspaper with gash of raw potato.

I opened the pub door as the north chuck premier ( and only ) Lesbian anti paedophile stripe Boris and the Pedos sang.
"String the sod up"
"String the buggers up"
"There's nothing as vile as a pedophile, so string the sodomite up !"An interview of three skin heads and an old old codger who mistook it for dominoes night sat there bored out their skulls.

"All right Johnno ?"Boris the lede Isaac Bashevis Singer shouted as her circle rested between numbers.

Nearly bald, five five over twenty gem, squeezed into spare tumid jeans three size too small with a leather jacket crown what had probably been old when the world-class world war was on she was the sort of butch lesbian who got butch lesbians a bad public figure.

Mind you the way she liked fucking convicted pedos up the ass with a sledge hammer handgrip made me wonder whether she actually was a lesso. She had cracking basso baritone vocalism though, pity she was look deaf.

"Not so bad, how's it going ?"I asked.

"Not so bad,"she said,"Any favorites ?"

"Bit of poetry ?"I suggested,"The gallows tree ?"

"Sit thee down, and eternal sleep awhile."
"And watch the lonely pedophile."I started

"As swaying gently in the breeze, he dangles from the gallows tree !"she finished, ah that's poetry.

"You can't bring intellectual nourishment in here,"Sandra the barmaid shouted.

"Its from the kebab shop, I don't reckon it counts as food,"I moaned.

"Them fucking cunt hates us,"Harley Charlie, the moped riding chief skinhead announced,"They ought to fuck off back where the come from."

"Where fucking Oldham ?"his match asked.

"Who gives a ass, lets have a sing birdcall, that old one,"he said drunkenly,"White drop-off of Dover !"

"We'll chuck Pedos over, the White Cliffs of Dover, tomorrow just you wait and see."

"We'll get all them bastards and chuck the quietus over after,"I suggested,"Then we'll be fucking Pedo costless !"

"You got the row Johnno ?"Boris asked.

"No I just fucking made it up, Jesus fucking christ."I replied.

"Make a cracking record,"Charlie said, and he stood up,"Need a bullshit, get the beverage in Nobber."

"Why the nookie do I always get to get the drinks in ?"Nobber asked.

"‘ Cause your on benefits, no one else got any cash ?"I suggested.

"shtup hard work, benefits, having to recollect to fucking limp."Nobber said, but no one gave a fuck.

"What you having Johnno ?"Sandra asked.

"Anal ?"I suggested.

"To wassail not later you filthy bastard !"Sandra retorted and Boris flashed me a black face, she must have got thought she had pulled.

"Rats piss,"I said.

"You can take in one Stella ‘ campaign I know what your the likes of after a few pint eh Mr Floppy !"Sandra laughed.

"All fucking right, it was only once."I stammered as me face went lustrous red,"Ever set me."

"shtup anything anything any time ?"John James Henry Leigh Hunt the bookie from Matson street walked out the bog and started taunting me. Holman Hunt the pussy as we called him.

"Long as its over 18, and has a bitch and a heartbeat,"I protested.

"Like a cow ?"he laughed.

"Technically they has a entrance hall not a twat,"I said using my master intellect gained from watching pointless fucking game shows and similar shit on pointless fuck daytime TV.

"Her then,"he said pointing at Boris.

"screwing off she's a fucking Lesso."I said supportively.

"Fifty cud says you can't."He suggested.

"Fifty quid each ?"Boris asked.

"Two hundred, make it five !"Hunt the pussy taunted.

"Christ,"Boris said,"I could use a few quid as it happens."

"Oh for fucks sake,"hunting sighed,"I was taking the piss."

"We heard,"Harley Charlie chuckled,"What you reckon Johnno ?"

"Yeah, why not, I'm up for it."I lied. Savior it would be halfway to turning fucking gay. Fucking a fat bald geezer even if it did throw a bitch somewhere under the ugly corking folds of belly skin.

"This I just got to see !"Sandra said. What I didn't know was she texted all her mates and said to get along round and watch.

"So what's your game ?"Nobber asks hunt the Cunt.

"Just like to see Lesvos sorted out,"he sniggered.

"Wants a percentage of the CCTV rightfulness more like,"I sighed knowing half of Saudiafuckingrabia had seen my ass bobbing around on some porn channel streamed from the CCTV as I gave Sandra a portion one night after ringlet up.

"laddie what do you use up me for ?"Hunt asked.

"Money grabbing pussy,"Harley Charlie said nicely.

"Yeah well making money's me hobby ennit ?"hunt laughed,"Go on. I'll make it a grand each."

"I dunno,"I said,"What you reckon Boris ?"

"If your up for it I am."she said,"I need the cash."

"acquiring up for its the problem,"I thought to me self as I tried to close me middle and think of England, or actually that scene in Nihon porn Farm three where the Jap lady friend all strip off on the parade primer and start out doing exercises until the blokes start fucking them.

It was no estimable, me cock did a passable impersonation of a Gallic S Cargo ( Snail ).

"In the spine room ?"I suggested.

"whorl the doorway Sandra,"Hunt suggested.

"Fuck that me mates is coming,"Sandra explained.

"Oh fucking jesus."I thought.

"right wing lets do one Sir Thomas More set of can buy me love,"Boris called as she twanged a horrible row from her authentic Taiwanese Scatocaster Guitar, It might have worked just if she had noticed it was for 120 volts not 240 but reading and thinking were not exactly her potent points.

"Buy me a rhomb anchor ring you cunt and you can sleep with me tonight."
"Stick it up me bum you cunt and I'll make it all seem right.
"Cause all I want is,"“ scads of money and Money can buy me love,"
"Can buy me luh-uv,"
she wailed.

Poor old Macker Lennon must have been turning in his pit.

Actually the pub was filling nicely.

Boris was starting another set.

"Tie a fucking pedo round the old oak Tree
If he fucking dies its all rightfield by me."

"Who writes this shit ?"Hunt asked.

I never admitted anything,"Its irony,"I said.

"piece of tail racist,"he said shaking his head.

"Across the sea, where all the priests are pedophile, ''
"Celibate means the piece of tail lot are gay."Boris warbled to what might well sustain been supposed to be the strain to"Danny Boy."

"Savior saki Johnno she'll be on the racialist crap next do something !"Sandra hissed in me lug hole as the pub filled with her mates.

I stepped up to the mike, I got a half comme il faut vocalism, well it was ok till it broke, form of split down the middle more like, when me balls dropped."You all know this one,"I shouted and started singing a crapello, that means on me tod.

"The Dew on the hayfield, the mist on the stream.
The river runs down to the sea."

"We gather together to greet the dawn
and England belongs to me."

Boris's Ilex paraguariensis crashed in a few random chords on bass Guitar which was handy because I started far too high

"So bugger the spaniards and bugger the frogs, and bugger the old EEC
The whole ass Eurozone can get stuffed 'cause England belongs to me."

"Italians are pedopiles so are the krauts, the refinement have all got VD
So lets get and progress an atomic bomb and bluster them to buggery."

"And fumble them to Bug, and blow them to Bug,"

"And blow them to bug er ree !"I finished as a solo and then tried to draw a run for it.

"Bloody hell that was fucking brilliant !"this pissed up fancy woman with DD mammilla and light-haired whisker straight out of a spray can who might have passed for 25 on a night night where you couldn't see the wrinkles under her eye cooed as she pressed her tit against me.

Suddenly S payload turned to frankfurter, well more like Calluna vulgaris handle if I'm fair ‘ drive I wont see twenty again in a precipitation like either.

"Ohhh you are a big boy,"she cooed as she cupped me balls through me jeans.

"Its now or never,"I thought as I pulled away from her.

"And now the main upshot,"I said,"metal drum roll please Karen."

"I'm fucking Elsie you blind goof !"the drummer replied but she started smacking underworld out of the membranophone skins all same.

"Go for it ?"Boris asked.

I nodded.

She pulled down her skin soaked extra large denim and the biggest roller of pink belly fat you ever did see cascaded down completely hiding what looked like a tiny pair of pink panties.

Me ardour was fading. ( Posh argot for me cock was shrinking, fast )

"control stick it anywhere no one will notice !"Boris hissed as I dropped my drawers and pushed her against the bar.

Now any sensible fucker would have got rubbered up but I didn't have meter, and anyway plan A was to hit up somewhere under a roll of flabby under her belly button but wouldn't you know John Thomas went straight for the moist berth. I reckon she must have fancied the blond tart with the DDs like as I had.

The feel of me air sashay head word on a moist twat lip is much the same whether its Brianny or Mad Donna or mortal what looks like some fuckers grandad and I made the fault of shutting me eyes.

Next fucking thing I was going for it. Fucking JT was in. right field up, that fucking flab was soft as fuck and just flowed out the way. She was truly fucked. I was truly fucked.

"Oh god."I moaned but I never had the sense to stop.

"No don't that feels too squeamish, for fucks sake Johnno !"Boris was wailing.

I started going for it, like a fucking terrier against a Wellington boot the boot, it felt too fucking good. It was all wrong and then the pressure sensation release alert went off in me bollocks.

"Ready or not I'm coming !"I shouted and to a bloody big cheer I shot me load.

"faker !"mortal cried.

"He fucking didn't he slimed me !"Boris protested and she showed three of her pudgy finger's breadth inside her and dragged them out glistening with spunk.

screw applause all circle, fucking ten stone and a bit doormat and a butch les. It must let looked hilarious, like one of them little manlike spider fucking them immense female Negroid widder spider except I hadn't been ate yet.

"Pay sentence,"I said as St. John the Apostle Hunt tried to swipe away.

"bazaar do's you earned it,"he laughed and he flashed a wad of annotation. I flicked through.

"And the rest,"I said without counting.

He coughed up another ton or so which brought it just over two high-minded which was fair.

"You really would fuck anything you fucking worm,"Sandra said.

"Fucking pot calling the fucking kettle,"I said,"At least I get a grand not a half of lager and a few chips."

"Too shay,"she said,"Anyway its galosh for you now, you don't know where that's been."

"Fucking dawn after anovulant, is the late dark chemist still open ?"I asked.

"I crumbled two in her vodka and orange,"Sandra said,"Someone has to look after you."

"I know,"I said,"I am grateful."

"Elsie says if I have IVF and have triplets we can get a 3 bedroom council house straight away,"Sandra said all barren like.

"Not that fucking grateful,"I said as Boris decided not to devil trying to pull her belly back in her denim but to stick the spare mike up her slit instead as she launched in to song.

"He's got a Pedo's testicle in his hand,
He's got his pecker and bollocks in his deal,"and as she sang,
'' He's got a Pedo's bollocks in his hand, '' again the the audience joined in with.
"And he'll rip the fuckers off !"

"There ain't no room for Pedo's in this Land,"they continued.

I'd had decent, I felt sick, that was pretty low fucking a ugly dyke Les for money, Ok estimable than sweeping road or collecting tax or walking the streets like a plodding but pretty bloody low.

I opened the room access. There were half a dozen uniforms sheltering in the porch.

"Oh its you Allthwaite,"the constabulary Sergeant said knowingly,"Off home ?"

"Nah off down the Mosk for Friday Prayers."I corrected him.

"Its Tuesday,"the Sergeant corrected,"This valet de chambre is your factual inkiness Muslim Gay Lesbian transsexual extremity of every bloody minority the household government agency has ever heard of and plenty more beside, arrest him at your peril."

My reputation had preceded me"Box ticking,"I agreed.

"Just fuck off."He said.

So I did, and they arrested some bloke who came out his gaff in his nightshirt to complain about the row.

Its a funny old world.

And that was me low tribade experience .