I arrived at Allerton Charles Martin Hall unannounced, dressed in the definitive style of a landed gentleman while riding in a tolerably smart carriage pulled by a matched duo of Second Earl Grey, driven by one Mr Barrington from Devonshire who had become my friend masquerading as a coachman.

The Earl Howarth 's Butler rushed out in agitation crying `` Are you expected sir, only His state of grace is away at the whipping Sir. '' His Grace indeed, as if he was a Prince or Archbishop not a mere Earl.

'' Oh ! Then direct me pray, '' I requested, in as imperious manner as I could muster.

'' In the Ithiel Town sir, Allerton, in the square sir, at the drubbing sir, '' he said deferentially whereas by rights he should be ordering us hence.

'' And the Lady Catherine ? '' I asked.

He paused as if confused, `` At the whipping sir. ``

'' Then to Allerton, '' I directed, and Barrington obeyed instantly cracking the whip and Forth we lunged with flying hooves and myself desperate to retain possession of my ridiculously marvellous hat..

'' I could get a taste for this John the Evangelist ! '' he turned and grinned at me and in that moment we shaved a gatepost by a hair, `` ameliorate than mining, '' he commented.

'' Hah, not as lucrative, '' I laughed, `` And not as secure with your driving, you better let me drive ! ``

We changed places and also changed coats and lid and we continued on our way, laughing.

I drove into Allerton at a good poke and swung into the public square, thank god Barrington was alert because a roll mass of humanity confronted us and if he had not thrust the pitprop through a wheel there should have been carnage for we should never have stopped.

I sat and stared, never having seen its like except at a hanging in Bodmin in August, for a great wooden stagecoach had been set up against the Red Lion alehouse across from St Agnes church the all securities industry square was packed with all year and upon that stage a serving wench was being whipped, she was naked to the waist, her nightgown or shift ripped from her and dangling from the string around her waist and her disguised leather clad tormenter, the hangman Jenkins I fancied, was flaying her already scarred and bloodied back and then as she sought to head off his C by turning away he struck her shapely endanger chest and the teats thereon with a measured ferocity.

Her work force were manacled and uselessly chained together and the mountain range tied to a eminent beam high above her head which served to restrain her so she could do nothing but stand or swing uselessly from the wrist iron from which a trail of blood seeped already.

The bunch were transfixed and so fixed in their attention that they paid us no heed but I supposed that a populace walloping was the altitude of their time of year, and all category were present, merchandiser and peasants, proletarian and magnanimousness indeed the Earl and Countess looked on from tiered seats set up for the intention, the Jehovah whole meal flour, his son, by his side and the Lady Phillipa his younger daughter with them, but I looked in vain for the madam Catherine.

'' We 'll tether the horse and walk back, '' I suggested and I expertly backed the rig through a T turn and tethered the team outside the Dragon Inn.

The maid was nothing but a limp and bloodied mess when I returned, and his worship Mr Justin Grant the evaluator of the Trentham assizes was mounting the steps to the microscope stage, `` Observe and observe well one and all, '' he shouted to the assembled multitude, `` His grace Earl Howard told me to apply the law in its full-of-the-moon force-out, and here you see I shirked not my duty, and I commend and command that three months hence you shall assemble again to witness the punishment I laid down. ``

He paused for breathing space, `` line well that when I exercised leniency by refraining from having the wench transported to the antipodes, I was determined that punishment should never the to a lesser extent be carried out and seen to be carried out, and have you seen punishment ? '' he asked, `` Have you ? ``

There was a murmur, `` Have you seen that I justice grant am a man of my Son and all are rival in my courts, that the lowest maid and gamy dame can require equation of handling ? '' he demanded. There was a muttering of commendation. `` That the Lady Catherine II received no preference when she abused her trust and stole a trinket, as she called it, one that should be a servant five years toil ? ``

It hit me like a sledge malleus, the serving chick was the Lady Catherine, all bloodied and beaten.

'' Six months has she toiled in the fields and six more than shall she dig, '' he shouted, `` I offered leniency should she squeal as you all heard, but she will not admit her guilt, will not confess, will not apologise and without contrition there can be no lenity, no light life history as a house servant so shall she stay as the low-pitched farm miss until the after one yr and a day then she shall be dismissed and be cast from her labours for her male parent to renounce, I suggest she may take found the antipode preferable so be be warned one and all, '' he shouted his voice rising to a crescendo, `` Thou shalt not slip. ``

'' That 's Catherine ! '' I gasped to Barrington.

'' The girl you keep talking about ? '' he demanded.

'' Indeed. '' I replied, scarcely believing my ears and middle, `` That 's Catherine. ``

The jar of seeing Catherine was profound, to see her displayed so cruelly as a thief, I could scarce believe it. I scarce recognised her as she was cut down, foul bloodied and yet to my eyes beautiful, though her hair was no longer neatly cut and her brass were now not painted but naturally cherry-red and her shoulders firmed and muscled, and then as the ropes were cut and she fell and sprawled in the dirt so her shift fell away revealing an iron sexual abstention belt.

A slap-up jest arose and shake up Catherine from her stunned immobility and she grabbed her torn smock around her, desperate to preserve the reserve that in truth was lost, and all the while her eye were crying but her teardrop had run dry until just the tear tracks remained in the filth of her face.

'' That 's your young woman ? '' Barrington queried, `` She 's a beauty ! ``

'' Do n't joke, '' I warned.

'' I do not ! '' he said, `` I bet she scrubs up really courteous. ``

I realised she had an iron collar around her neck and she was taken down from the level and chained barefoot behind a muck handcart hauled by an ox and so was she pulled from the square.

'' What now ? '' Barrington asked.

'' find Catherine II, '' I suggested, `` Follow that pushcart ! ``

It was a wearisome and painful process, but by and by we made progression until at length the yokel riding the pushcart saw we were no threat to them and pulled Catherine aboard so the Ox could carry on at its just pace which in all honesty was no estimable than when Catherine had been staggering behind.

Its destination was his Lordships piggery, set away from the main sign and farm because of the smell it was a low Stone built construction with a stone roofing tile cap on timbers, and there in the mud and filthiness lived his lordship 's pigs, and with them we soon discovered also resided Catherine the Great chained as she was to an iron in the wall which I noted his lordship agent fastened her mountain chain with a pad lock.

'' And what 's your interest here master Matson ? '' he asked as he spied me watching.

'' I have been away sir, '' I replied, `` I am most curious as to why the Lady Catherine is so treat. ``

'' She 's no Lady ! '' he laughed, `` A sow like the eternal sleep, '' he said and he tore away the death of her clothes leaving her naked, `` She 'll get plenty of slop come morning and she can love a life of ease, '' he laughed, `` No sir I must ask that you be gone as this is common soldier land. ``

'' Oh, yes indeed, '' I agreed, `` Most certainly, good day sir. ``

'' What now sir ? '' Barrington asked as we went away.

'' Find your beloved in Rotherham of path ! '' I ordered, `` Drop me at my father 's and bring the carriage. ''

I directed him the way to my Padre modest abode standing as it did high on the hillside overlooking hayfield and pastures my forefather pretended to the universe that he owned, yet sadly such was not the lawsuit, indeed there was a time in my early days when my father spoke to me earnestly, `` John Lackland, '' he said, `` You are the oldest son of a bit son, you have a undecomposed name but no lot, so my son it is for you to create your own hazard, shall you connect the Militia, the Admiralty, the Christian church ? he asked, `` Or the Law. ``

'' No father, '' I had answered `` I shall be an explorer and travel the world in hunt of hoarded wealth. ``

'' Indeed, '' he exclaimed, `` And marry a princess ? ``

'' No the Lady Catherine. '' I said proudly, though in true statement at that time I had barely exchange two dozen Word of God with the girl.

'' Ha ! '' he exclaimed, `` Earl Howarth 's daughter ! '' he laughed, `` Oh my lord what a idea ! '' he laughed but Uncle Henry lent the money for my education and I attended Salford University and studied geology and chemistry and the way to show purity of the precious metal with an eye to seeking gold prospecting and so by grade my education progressed until with a loanword from sire that he could ill open I bought handing over to Mexico.

I had a hold out summer at home base, a brief spell of dances and fetes, and I saw the Lady Catherine the Great often, I amused her, it seemed, but she sought not entertainment but a rich suitor to woo her, but for the piece my companionship sufficed when there was no more eligable batchelor nowadays and indeed such was our companionability that the Earl himself challenged my intentions.

'' Why to realise a portion in the New humans and wed Catherine the Great sir, '' I replied.

'' And if you return penniless ? '' he asked.

'' I do not stand for to return penniless, '' I explained, `` Either I return with funds or not at all that is my design. ``

'' Then do not distract Catherine, you amuse her, but she has but a short season, you do understand ? '' he asked reasonably.

'' I shall be gone before the Jack London season starts sir, '' I said, `` I shall not trouble her again unless I return well set up. ``

I set of for Mexico but sea malady afflicted me and it was a enceinte relief when we hit a gale off the Longships Reef and had to limp into Newlyn for haunt, and once ashore aught would induce me to venture to sea ever again, and it was in Cornwall and not the new populace that I made my fortune.

thus it was with mild disinterest that father watched Barrington push the carriage up to our house and then he watched in amazement as I descended, only to view its disappearance when I had unloaded my own luggage as mansion that it was as a simple passenger in a hire conveyance rather than the man of content as I appeared.

It was Mother that rushed to greet me, `` St. John where have you been ? '' she asked, `` Have you made your portion ? '' she asked.

I admitted to a fortune of a thousand pounds and she insisted on hearing how I had fared before I even removed my suitcase from the roadside.

'' I have been mining Ag, '' I said.

'' In the America 's ? '' Father asked.

'' No, Cornwall. '' I replied, `` I bought passing to Mexico from Plymouth on the `` Pallister '' under senior pilot Trelawney but as soon as we passed from the Tamar river into the open up Ocean I was rendered incapable with the sea sickness, and when we sprang a timber off the Longships reef and had to limp into Newlyn for repairs nothing would induce me to venture to sea ever again. ``

'' Ha typical ! '' forefather replied, `` Did I not tell you that as the oldest son of a second son, you have a honest name but no destiny, and to produce your own fortune by joining the militia, the Admiralty, the Church ? he asked, `` Or the Law ? ``

'' Yes Father, '' I agreed, `` And I said I shall be an adventurer and travel the world in hunting of gem. ``

'' Then it 's a smashing shame you found none such. '' he added.

'' Well Father I worked the wheal Claire mine, headwaiter Trelawney 's brother 's mine and found flatware. '' I told him, `` He thought I made a pittance from Tin, but it was silver, he said there was tin there in the worked out lead seam and gave charge, just above the H2O he said, and there it was a thin bed and I started on my own with a muckle axe and a sheaf of candela, and I recognised the silver heraldic bearing ore and smash my own John Rock by candle light, and made my own Zen using my education to the replete and dissolved the atomic number 47 from the crushed rock and cast my own silver metal bar, but the vein was not extensive, too thin to mine easily so I cut and propped barely a six inch slot in the rock and gradually worked all I could reach.

When it was all but worked out I made Telawney an offer, `` What say you that I buy the mine, '' I put the proposition to him. ''

'' His old cheek turned into a grin, '' I explained, `` He named a toll and I agreed, and then I recruited Barrington at Devonport near Plymouth and we scraped that flatware furrow clean as deep as we dared, and we, Barrington and I took our treasure to Truro piece by piece moulded and cast into metal bar and had it 's purity confirmed and marked to prove it was indeed argent and as an aside we made rings and trinkets by selective casting and we travelled the jeweller selling trinkets rings and pieces of silver and with the proceeds I paid for the mine, and then we showed portions of it to selected men of wealth saying there was sliver there and machinery was needed to mine the vein any further and I sold shares until I was quite bought out and now I am returned. ``

I did n't acknowledgment I sent my world-class ring to lady Catherine, I had its purity checked and hallmarked by Truro assay office and I sent it anonymously but within the inner lot I engraved, `` To my dear JM. '' so she should have intercourse she was in my thoughts always.

'' A faggot story, '' Father of the Church averred, `` but come in and have an surplus shoes set at dinner Mother. ``

'' What happened to Lady Catherine of Aragon ? '' I asked as we relaxed after dinner,

'' She stole a halo, '' founding father said, `` A trinket from noblewoman Fowler. ``

'' Yes, a whole ash grey mob, '' Mother said, '' From Lady Henry Watson Fowler. ``

'' Oh it was all over the County and to consider you thought to marry her ! '' don joked, `` There was something, peeress Fowler would take in forgotten the whole thing of Catherine the Great would have wed her Francis, but she refused and avowed Francis sent her the halo, which he denied. ``

'' What happened ? '' I asked.

'' Oh it was such a pettifoggery, '' Mother said, `` All companionship attended, the judge, Judge Grant, insisted that the law were upheld for her as for the last-place Order and when it was all over he found her shamefaced and ordered she should be stripped of her finery and her championship and whipped four sentence at equinox or the closest Saturday thereto and should serve up as noblewoman Henry Watson Fowler 's servant for a yr and a day. ``

'' She said I should rather lean grunter in a field ! '' begetter added, `` So the Judge he said. ``

'' He said very well, the sentence is to tend hog, '' female parent squealed.

'' And his Grace passed a tone to the Judge. '' male parent added.

'' And the Judge ordered her to wear an Fe sexual abstention belted ammunition ! '' Mother chuckled, `` Just imagine. ''

'' What happened ? '' I asked.

'' Tell him Gerald, '' mother suggested, `` I shall hit the hay. ``

Father took up the fib, `` They dragged her to the cell, it was lamentable, she came with her father and mother and baby and brother, she screamed for them pleaded her ingenuousness and they just watched as she was taken away, silently, and then when the whispers started that she would n't be flogged at all his saving grace paid for a stage to be built beside the Red king of beasts and promised fee ale and had the Judge work her to the square on the Saturday of the equinoctial point all dressed up, but chained hands and understructure and there they had the hangman strip her to her under shift, tearing her clothes right away and then he tore even that away so her udder were free and then he called the blacksmith and they had a hearth going and they rivetted an smoothing iron leash around her neck like any unwashed felon and hung it from a beam. ``

'' Rivetted ? '' I queried.

'' Red hot stud, how she screamed, '' he said, and then the judge said 'One hundred lashes !'One hundred, that 's twice the common for a thief but you see it was a valuable ringing, antique atomic number 47, and the hangman took up the whip and was merciless, left and right in alternating strokes, first he bared her tail so we could see the belt ammunition and when he made her bleed there he bared her back and then thrashed line of reasoning into it, an in apart every inch very near he covered, and when he tired of that he thrashed her front. ``

'' Her knocker ? '' I gasped in astonishment.

'' Yes and her teats, criss hybridisation hither and thither her ams were shackled overhead so she could not protect herself you see and her belly, he whipped that, some it was nearer two hundred lashes and all she could say was'I 'm unacquainted .'

'' Then what ? '' I asked.

'' Oh she fainted, '' beginner said remembering, `` So they revived her with throwing pee at her from chamber pot, then he finished thrashing, they tore off her place and stockings and they drew the Earl 's muck spreading cart up and chained her behind it and set the ox off with a report from a shooting iron, of grade being a finely lady, ''

Mother returned, `` Oh yes she was n't used to walking barefoot on cobbles and she variety of jumped and hopped and everybody laughed and hooted and threw rotted vegetable and all sorts of filth at her. ``

'' They put a sack around her to hide her nakedness, '' Father added, `` And they took her to the Earls pig sty and let her kip and live with the pigs, she measures out their swill, some say she shares it because they do n't feed her. ``

'' And how is she ? '' I asked.

'' Filthy and furious, '' Mother said, `` The bumpkin used to like to torment her but they do n't see the full point anymore so she gets left alone. ``

'' The George Beadle has her road mending though, '' father added, `` rock 'n' roll breaking, which is mans work really but the judge agreed it was fair. ``

'' To cerebrate you wanted to hold your hat up to a common criminal, she 'll have to become a handmaiden or conjoin a chawbacon, '' Mother said.

'' Enter a whorehouse more like, '' father said because he knew of such things being a onetime reserves man.

'' Gerald please ! '' Mother snapped.

'' I see, and all because Catherine II refused the fowler boy. '' I suggested.

'' Oh no, she stole the ring all right. '' Mother insisted, `` The Henry Watson Fowler 's would have got no motivation of her dowry. ``

I knew something was wrong, but what ?

'' Oh of course she 's been whipped since then, '' Mother said, `` It did n't appear right when they brought her into the square behind the dung cart on mid summers day and the olfactory perception was something terribly, so last workweek they found her wearing apparel from the hall and dressed her without bathing her. ``

'' It was, well, '' Padre said, `` Like a bad maneuver, a dirty yokel in a richly embroidered garb brought in the Earls fifth wheel coach, but the lower parliamentary procedure loved it, especially when the hang man ripped the clothes off her and showed the under-things of a finely madam that the lower orders may go a lifetime without seeing. ``

'' And the damn when they bared her mamilla, '' female parent added, `` You see she was healed up almost lily White River where the dirt flaked off. and then he cut her again, left her bleeding again. ``

'' I know, I saw, I was there, '' I said, `` At the end. ``

'' Oh, on your way abode ? '' Father asked.

'' My Quaker Mr Barrington had business in Rotherham, '' I explained.

'' wellspring you are a very golden boy, '' mother opined, '' Why had you the money to match your infatuation you may have wed a thief. ``

'' He wanted her dowery Mabel, '' Father explained, `` A thousand guineas, eh, sweeten the pill eh ! all her demands and haughtiness, I remember when she was young you went to her birthday and she just ignored you ! ``

'' It was not that, she was so beautiful I could not mobilise the braveness to speak to her. '' I said.

'' Well, '' Mother suggested, `` She 's not beautiful now, even a tramp is cleaner and less morbid. ``

I ignored mother 's jibe.

Next dawn I donned my functional clothes and borrowed father 's Equus caballus for a ride to the Earl 's pig farm I rode past slowly, Catherine looked through me as I passed so I ignored her also but when I had rounded a Bend I tethered my horse and I walked back, `` Nice sunrise, '' I said cheerily.

'' What exactly is nice about it ? '' she asked with a satire completely at odds with her station.

'' Fresh breeze, pretty fille, what more could a man desire. '' I asked.

'' Do n't get ideas, '' She said as she banged her manacled wrist against her chastity rap, `` Or that because I have sharply teeth and a strong bite. ''

'' A candy kiss then, a gentle caress of your, '' I paused, she had donned a pig pigswill sack for a smock but it was loose and her breasts were clearly displayed.

'' I can not escape you so I shall ask only for a pastie, or a pith pie, and for that I shall give up that you may caress, suckle, do what you will. '' she said, `` Otherwise I have acutely teeth and pointed elbow. ``

'' Then a meat pie I shall bring, '' I agreed, `` Or shall you company me ? ``

She rattled the chain attached from her manacled ankle joint to the pigsty bulwark, `` I am afraid I am disincline. ``

'' So I understand, '' I answered.

'' Do I know you ? '' she asked.

'' You are Lady Catherine the Great, yes ? '' I asked in reply.

'' Yes, I was once on a yesteryear life, and you are ? '' she clearly had not recognised me, perhaps my laborious British Labour Party had made a man of the boy she once knew..

'' An protagonist, and a core pie you shall have, '' I promised, `` And a jam woman of the street if you please me. ``

'' Do n't mock, and where have you the money for PIE ? '' she asked, `` Proto-Indo European not promises will win my affection. ``

I went away in search of pies, I bought a slice at the Red Leo and a jam tart and hurried back, to her.

She devoured the meat pie ravenously, `` Oh that tastes so trade good, warm food. '' she said and when I gave her the sporting lady she said, `` You said if I pleased you ? what are your terms.

'' None, but should you desire to a greater extent then entice me ! '' I suggested as she savoured the sweet body of water from my flask as she ate.

'' Shall you play with my mamilla ? '' she asked, `` As the yokel do ? ``

'' I should be honoured, '' I said and I gently slipped her shift from her breast and bent my head.

Her teat stiffened as I touched it, `` Oh please do not frustrate me with gentle osculation take what you will, '' she pleaded, `` collation me offend me but do not have a go at it me for I can not contain it. ``

'' You do not welcome my attentions ? '' I asked.

'' No, not this, let me allay you swiftly I shall not bite I promise, you may use my rim. '' she said and I kissed her wide-cut on the sassing and she recoiled, `` No your extremity ! '' she cried, `` I shall not burn. ``
I undid my rear of barrel feeling unsure of myself, `` Oh, my it 's, ah it 's bigger than, '' she said.

She looked so apprehensive, so lovely, I imagined for second how her passage might be, all golden fur and expectation beneath the Fe strap and it happened, uncontrollably my emission started, splattering her chin and nose and eyelid, `` You beast you betrayed me ! '' she squealed.

I apologised, `` You are too beautiful, '' I stammered, `` allow me. '' I took my hand kerchief and moistened it and wiped the seed from her face, `` You should have allowed my osculation, '' I suggested, `` anticipate me a recollective passionate kiss and you shall feature a chicken leg and apple pie next clip pass. ``

'' And leave me all wanting, I think not, I should rather starve. '' she said, `` But I shall sword myself to lactate you, for a pie, if you delight ? ``

I left her to her labours, except I had a question, `` Why did you steal the ring ? ``

'' I never stole anything ! '' she insisted, `` Francis gave it to me ! '' she insisted, it amused me so I wore it and then when I refused Francis his mother insisted it were hers and had I stolen it ! '' she explained, `` But why your interest ? ``

'' Oh, I suppose, well I 'm no expectant apprehension, '' I said, `` But I own I should like to lay abed with you when your labour ceases. ``

She hit me, `` That is twenty lashes, '' I said, `` Now say you 'll wed me and it will be forgotten. ``

'' No, lash away, never. '' she averred.

'' Then I shall petition your don ! '' I announced.

'' You are vicious with these secret plan, '' she insisted, `` I shall rather eat pig 's swill than endure your company and eat PIE and cyprian, chocolate even. ``

'' Fare well then my knockout, '' I said and trudged away, but I returned on hogback, `` Until the morrow, '' I said and threw her my horse blanket before riding away.

I went again to the Earl 's house, riding hogback this time, all dressed like a Gentleman and I was accepted as such, and invited in directly, `` Begging your pardon sir but whom should I tell his free grace for I can not recall your name. ``

'' Matson, John Matson, '' I replied, `` I came once before. '' I explained.

The old fool was too impressed by my garb to realise who I was and invited me to wait in the living room, and the Earl appeared presently, `` Matson, son of Gerald Matson, '' he said, `` I seldom draw a blank a face.

'' Indeed your Grace. '' I replied.

'' Have you been ennobled ? '' he chuckled, `` Or are you Black Ned the highwayman ? ``

I laughed, `` No indeed, I am a failed venturer who sought riches in the America and succumbed to sea unwellness before I passed the Scillies but I had some luck mining in Cornwall, enough for a lawsuit of dress and a sawhorse in any pillowcase. ``

'' And your reason for calling ? '' he asked.

'' Catherine, '' I replied.

'' There is no Catherine here, I have disowned her entirely, what happens to her interestingness me not a fig. '' he said more with sorrow than anger.

'' Then you have no objection if I woo her, offer wedlock perhaps ? '' I asked.

'' You, a fraudster with a suit and a horse and no fate, indeed you should be a perfect compeer, go to her, woo her fornicate should wish, I shall find the key to her sexual abstention belt, if you have a Kenyan shilling. ''

'' Sir, '' I protested, but he was searching his pockets, and drew out a silver gray key.

'' Here, now go wallow in the pig sty and fornicate to your hearts content. '' he said.

I found a shilling and placed it upon the table, `` There was the matter of of a pack, '' I explained, `` I have a great fondness for Catherine II and would wish to have her innocence proven. ``

'' Oh she had a predilection for rings, '' he explained, `` It brought her ruination, an antique of the thirteenth 100 by its marks I believe, hugely worthful, hugely embarrassing, so I shall ask you to kindly never darken my doorway again should you concord with her, and now if you will excuse me, '' he said quite quietly as he stood to leave, and to my surprise as he left the room he pocketed my shilling.

It was quite unknown, indeed very strange to be given a free hand with the dame Catherine, indeed although the light was fading I went to see her instantly, but she was sleeping contentedly under my knight blanket so I let her lie.

I said not a word to Father or Mother but next day I bought roast chicken leg, and an apple pie and some special chocolate with soft sum containing delicately wines which I took to her, but the Earl 's pig man was chastising her for possessing a cavalry blanket.

'' She is keeping it safe for me, '' I informed him as I approached, but already he had struck her several prison term across the shoulders with a rough branch he had broken from a corner nearby.

'' And who be you ? '' he asked.

'' Two pence for you to make yourself scarcely, '' I explained, `` I am come to woo the maid. ``

'' Ha ! '' he laughed but tuppence was sufficient for him to blow out his thirst in ale and as I proffered it so he grasped it and hurried away.

'' You came back ? '' Catherine the Great exclaimed.

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` Are you pleased to see me ? ``

'' If that 's the look of chicken, '' she smiled, `` state me are you John, Gerald Matson 's son ? ``

'' I am and it is indeed, '' I agreed, `` But there is a price. '' I handed the volaille to her and Catherine II gnawed hungrily upon the chicken leg and peered at me. I dangled the key to her chastity belt. She stopped chewing.

'' How ? '' she asked, `` How did you ? ''

'' Your Church Father sold it for a shilling. '' I told her and her eyes welled with weeping, she sobbed softly, `` I shall claim you when you are released, first you shall bath and then we shall bump a soft bed and then I shall take you. ``

'' Do you not desire me ? '' she asked, `` Now, like this ? ``

'' I can waitress, '' I admitted, `` But can you resist me, '' I produced the pie, and then the chocolates.

'' No ! '' she admitted, `` I can not. ''

I just smiled and enquired about the ring, `` It was antique, '' she replied, '' A Mr Allenbroke testified as to its antiquity, it seems they can tell from the marker when the ring was made, for myself I thought it but a gewgaw. ``

'' And where is the Ring now ? '' I asked.

'' I know not. '' she explained.


I went not to the sign but sought instead the justice Grant. He knew of my father and so he allowed me an audience for ten minutes as he was very busy, yet he called his man to cancel his fitting when I explained the situation and that I was enamoured of Catherine II and I had grave incertitude about the grounds against her.

'' Did they have the birthplace, the chit from the Jeweller 's ? '' I asked.

'' From my recollection a Mr Allenby of Allenby and Gough, the jeweler to Lord and madam Gower produced a record that the doughnut was resized some years ago for Lady Fowler 's ancestor, '' the Judge remembered, `` And he read the assay soft touch with a spy meth and indeed gave a accurate day of the month of fabrication some one C of years prior. ``

'' So it sounded correct, '' I agreed, `` Except check cast do n't give the century merely the class it may be 13th or fifteenth or 16th century from the style, but not from the marks sir. ``

'' You have sowed a come of incertitude Mr Matson, '' The Judge agreed, `` A seed no more, but I shall form enquiries, indeed I shall. ``

I thanked him for his time and went home. Father was in an petulant climate, and after dinner he tackled me, `` You say you have a fortune ? '' he asked.

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` A small one. ``

'' As long as it was honestly obtained, '' he said, `` Every wench in the County will pursue you if this is known. '' he averred, `` How I wish I had a tenth part of a fortune to spend, '' he said.

'' Then I shall repay what you lent me and more, a hundred pounds, but prevent it between us. '' I insisted. He smiled broadly.

'' Tis good to hear John but it will be even better when it is in my hand. ``

I found him a silver ingot from my room, `` A deposit, '' I insisted, yet we both knew it was far more than I owed.

I went to see Catherine II again, the swine herd had whipped her again when she bit his appendage while he sought to hire reward and her blanket was stolen so I found her a blanket and a hot repast, and I worried that the winter atmospheric condition might yet see her perish.

'' Do n't lav, '' she said as I sought to kiss her, `` My mouth is foul with the pigman discharge. ``

'' poor poor Catherine, '' I said.

'' If you will you may, '' she whispered softly, `` Claim me as your own. ``

'' Claim you ? '' I asked.

'' Take away the smoothing iron, '' she invited, `` If you will. ``

'' Not until you are bear witness innocent, '' I agreed.

I stayed with her and regaled her with tales of Cornwall, `` Did you get my ringing ? '' I asked, `` I made various, but I despatched the initiatory to you by messenger, I engraved With my Love JM inside it, just a bare trinket. ``

'' No, I never received any fallal, Francis gave me a fine gaffer ring and then denied the gift which is why I languish here, '' her eyes welled with tears, `` So please never speak of rings again. ``

I told her something about my luck which I admitted to being in excess of two hundred pounds, after the refund of Father of the Church loan.

'' So I shall not enjoy finery as Mrs Matson, '' she laughed, and then she went deathly Andrew Dickson White, `` I am so sorry, I presume too much. ``

'' testament you marry me ? '' I asked, `` I shall not kneel because of the pig slime but please say you will Catherine. ``

She laughed, her eyes entire of tears and incongruous in her nastiness, and she said so sweetly, `` If you can sleep together me then that is my warm wish. ''

I went home with the failing light leaving her to gather sufficient squealer around her to go on her warm through the long cold night.

'' His Honour Judge Ulysses Simpson Grant wishes to see you John the Evangelist, '' founder announced when I returned, `` He said it was of the keen urging. ``

I went to his Sir William Chambers with the large speed and once there I was at once ushered into his comportment, `` Ah Matson, '' he said, `` The halo, I do trust young Fowler may birth given it to misfire Maisey Fellows, Theodore fellow gal, the merchandiser do you bang. ``

'' Sir ? '' I said.

'' I make enquiries sir, when my decisions are questioned I make enquiries, '' he said `` And I have spoken to Mr Fellows and he has agreed we may interrogate Maisey. ``

'' Indeed ? '' I queried.

'' I shall commit for her directly, '' he said and shouted for his man, `` And tomorrow at Ten o'clock we shall encounter at Mr George Ratner 's emporium, a dead paseo away, '' he ordered, `` Ten crisp nous. ``

I went directly to the St. George Inn where I put up and in the morning, and when I was woken with a wonderful breakfast served in bed I dressed and with a fuss of activity I quickly found myself hurrying to the Ratner emporium, the Judge greeted me, `` In the binding room, '' he ordered, `` And heed. ``

Miss companion was a striking offspring woman, she strode into the store on harbor Street play along by her maid and her Mother, `` How dare you summon me, '' she snapped, `` momma has invited Mr Fowler this evening. ``

The judge smiled, `` It is your anchor ring, '' he said, `` antique silver, very rare, ''

'' A present from Mr Fowler, '' she said, `` What of it ? ``

'' We believe one like it was stolen from Winchester cathedral. '' the Judge said misleadingly, `` May I see ? ``

She pulled it from her fingerbreadth, `` It may give birth been but Mr Henry Watson Fowler gave it to me. '' she insisted.

'' And your dowry girl Fellows the Judge enquired.

'' A thousand Cypriot pound or in that realm, '' the Mother explained.

They handed the ring to Mr Spey, Mr Ratner 's man and by spell they examined it minutely, `` It may well be the one. '' Mr Ratner agreed, the hallmark, do you see, oh four, we had better see where Mr Henry Watson Fowler obtained it. ''

'' May I see ? '' I asked, ordinarily all rings looked much the same but this was minuscule different to those Barrington and I had cast at welt Grace and when they allowed me the use of the glass and I also examined the ring, although I knew very well, it was the Truro hallmark.

It did seem very comrade, and plain, I expected a glary raiment of infield but this was simply plainly, I peered closely, there was an inscription HM and suddenly it hit me that it was my own ring,

'' Ah, First Marquess Cornwallis, '' Mr Sprey agreed, `` Like the Winchester ring. '' before I could pile up my thoughts.

The judge gave young lady companion a receipt for the ring and asked that he might audience Mr Fowler later, and so it was that with the Fowlers gone Mr Ratner turned to Sprey and in the presence of the evaluator he said, `` I would say this one C. ''

'' That is the Truro Stamp, '' I averred, `` See the gouge along the merchant ship seam, I have stared at that enough times. ``

'' Indeed Mr Matson ? '' Mr Sprey asked, `` In what capacitance ? ``

'' miner, extractor, and a very piteous Silver-smith, '' I replied, and taking my own halo I said, `` See here, a ring I made myself, '' and as they looked I added, `` With the Truro stamp. ``

They peered and peered again, and took their books and peered in them and then at the doughnut again and then Mr Sprey said, `` Indeed, that is the new Truro assay office stamp, and that is no old geezer, indeed the two pack could have come from the same cast ! ``

'' They did, '' I said, `` The Fellows one was inscribed with my sexual love HM, the HM is still visible the rest gone where the ring was re sized. '' I paused, `` I sent it to Catherine the Great anonymously as a token. '' I admitted.

We ate our dinner in the servants living quarters at the department store, the judge, myself, Mr Ratner and Mr Sprey the Jeweller, and afterwards we were joined by Lieutenant Gervais and five soldiers of the militia and we went to the boyfriend'home and there we waited for Mr Fowler.

Mr Fowler had barely walked in the planetary house when the evaluator approached him, `` Mr fowler, I have to oppugn you about an antique ash grey ring. ``

'' What ring ? '' he asked.

'' This one, '' the jurist announced as he pulled the ring from his pocket.

'' It was mother 's '' he said, `` Why ? ``

'' Then we shall interview her, come. '' he ordered, and turned to me. `` Mr Matson, I suggest you proceed homewards and meet me at my sleeping accommodation at nine tomorrow. ``

I went home base and I fretted and I was thoroughly bad company and indeed I slept badly and I eventually rose at dawn.

The Judge was indisposed when I attended, and his manservant sent me down to the courthouse in Frenshaw second power where a goodly act of people were already there and I became aware that the homage was rapidly filling, the onetime Mr Fowler Church Father of Francis Fowler was in the seats behind me looking downcast and at once angry and worry, and then when I was seated for a half hr the evaluator salesclerk ordered `` All wage hike, '' and the judge appeared.

'' If it pleases the first lawsuit is Rex versus Fowler. lying under oath. '' the shop clerk announced. `` Fetch the prisoner. ``

'' If it pleases your worship, '' an insignificant little attorney announced.

'' No it does n't please me bring Franics John Hunstanton Fowler. '' he ordered and when fowler appeared from the electric cell escorted by militia the jurist wasted no time, `` Where did you get this ring ? '' he asked, `` Or must I cite fille cuss to testify you gave it to her. ``

'' It was mother 's, a family heirloom, '' he lied.

'' So let us predict Mrs fowler. '' he ordered.

'' I must protest, '' the lawyer complained.

'' Silence ! '' the Judge ordered, `` Mrs Fowler, if you please. ``

She strode in from the waiting elbow room, `` So where did you obtain this antique ring ? '' he asked.

'' From my female parent and from her mother before her, '' she lied convincingly.

'' And this is the one ? '' he asked and had the shop clerk show her the ring.

'' Yes, this is the one I gave dear Francis for his beloved. '' she replied.

'' The one the Lady Catherine II stole ? '' the Judge asked.

'' Why yes ! '' she agreed.

'' Then how do you explain the Truro oh four Assay Gospel According to Mark. '' the Judge asked.

'' My Lord, '' the attorney insisted on being heard, `` Truro is an ancient check business office and one can not tell in which C a musical composition was marked, merely the class from nought to ninety nine but no more. ''

'' I thank you, '' The jurist replied, `` And when did the Truro office cease to boss with the Charles Cornwallis stamp and begin to use Truro. ``

'' I have no approximation, '' the lawyer confirmed.

'' Mr Ratner, can you clear up us, '' the jurist asked.

'' Some ten years ago sir. '' he replied.

'' You fool Francis, '' Mrs Fowler cried.

'' I ah, '' Francis sought desperately for an answer.

'' You lied that this is an old-hat ring and lied also that Lady Catherine stole the ring '' the jurist suggested.

'' No, '' he protested uselessly.

'' Enough ! '' the justice ordered, `` I order that Francis John Hunstanton Fowler and madam Hermione Desdemona Ruth Fowler be detained securely until this Fri week when they shall be tried for perjury, and that Miss Catherine formerly madam Catherine Howarth be arrested and brought before me for retrial on guardianship of thieving also on Fri, I shall get applications for bail bond for both matters in my chambers after this hearing.

I slumped in my seat, the business of the trial of Manningham, Lord Second Earl Grey 's Gamekeeper for theft of pheasants and Mr Johns for the theft of a Equus caballus which he had apparently not stolen at all washed over me until at duration the jurist retired.

I approached and offered bail for Catherine of Aragon, `` How much do you propose ? '' he asked.

'' I have twenty guineas here, sir, '' I offered.

'' Ten will answer, '' he said, `` I shall send word, but she will necessitate vesture so spend your ten guineas wisely. ``

I had little time so I a few servants smocks were all I could obtain, and I was at Trentham poky when the Militia brought Catherine II back. She was dressed in a Militiaman 's tunic, `` I have come to bear bail '' I announced and when I paid the bail the guard released her manacles.

'' You ? '' she said, as I handed her a strip dust coat, `` And where shall you take me ? ``

'' dwelling ? '' I suggested.

'' Have you soap, towelling ? '' she asked.

'' No but I have funds. '' I announced.

'' Then take me to lather and water system. '' she demanded.

I had investment trust indeed but she was unwished in any shop so I purchased such for her and a hair combing and soft leather slider then we rode together to the river to Boulby span where the road crossed the Trentham river on numerous small low archway and after tethering the horse she slipped over the parapet and casting aside her smock she slipped into the breast deep crystal clear water.

She stooped with water up to her shoulders soaping herself and washing herself and the glorious pinkness of her slowly emerged from her pelage of skank and she stood proud and firm bodied with not an ounce of spare fat, her bag sweeping from her breast like as utter idol, just the crisscross of the whiplash trails to blight her as the filth slipped away and my humanity stirred mightily at the sight of it.

She stretched and luxuriated in her unaccustomed exemption then at once she sank from sight only to spring back out delightedly swishing her longsighted jaundiced straw like hair like a blue retriever dog, and yet with plenteous use of the soap slowly did her hair's-breadth regain it 's prosperous hue and refreshed she came to the of the river where the bridge deck parapet curved down towards the bank and I lifted her from the water and used the key to unlock her chastity belt.

Then tenderly I dried her, but she felt dirty still and it was an hour and more than of splashing and frolicking before she felt unobjectionable and donned a new smock and sat with me as I combed her hair.

'' I shall submit you home, '' I said, `` Your Fatherhood will be concerned. ``

'' Liar, he sold me for a shilling, '' she complained

I was nonplussed, I considered a housing house but when questions were asked we were ejected so finally we booked into the Trentham Hotel, as master key and servant, and as was the practice I paid for two room and used but one.

She ate heartily with the servants that evening and when I retired following a convivial but sober evening with some travelling salesmen and merchants I found her prepare in my bed, fast at peace, yet naked as if she welcomed the notion that we should conjoin.

I undressed entirely and lay listening to her breathing and then succumbed to catch some Z's but she woke with the dawn, and woke me with a candy kiss, which I reciprocated, her passion aroused me and I explored her entirely with my fingers and with item care I explored where the chastity belt ammunition had been, and then she said, `` You paid you shilling, now take what you are owed and unloose me from your handle. ``

I took detention of her and pried her legs encompassing and after exploring her unfitness with my digit eased the soft plica asunder and eased the purple head of my manhood into her easy wetness and then she grasped it and I as I heaved mightily so by grade and through her agony which she staunchly repressed so stern in by quarter inch I claimed her and with a cry she was truly mine.

She was all I ever dreamed of warm and wet and tight, and to her consternation I emitted within her promptly with all the potency of abstinence and then did I insist on kissing her with Passion until my potency returned and I entreated her to allow for me to enjoyed her delectation once more.

She demurred, she resisted, `` I have paid a shilling, and many more bob for goop, I do believe you owe me the courtesy of allowing my tending a few more clock time. ``

'' But it pains me ! '' she explained, `` The introduction, it distresses me greatly though I try to subdue my distaste out of gratitude. ``

I thought briefly, `` I have it on unspoilt office that the pain in the neck subsides with practice, '' I informed her, `` And with my expenditure I should await a good few intromission before I am repaid. ``
I grasped her firmly, so firmly that she knew that electrical resistance was ineffectual and pressed home my manhood against her, and when pressed her softness parted like the petal of a daffodil and he slipped easily within and her soft bend enveloped and swallowed him until the chunk beneath were tickled by her low hairsbreadth around her softness.

This was indeed heaven, a higher aeroplane of Heaven entirely as she began to moan but with pleasure and not ail, `` I do believe you may be properly, '' she whispered, `` Now profess your love and I shall be content indeed. ``

We conjoined more in love than passion and in a while her warmth overflowed and as she gasped so I emitted copious amount seed within her to quench her inner fire.

'' Now, are you displeased ? '' I asked, as withdrew from her `` Or shall you savour being Mrs Matson. ``

'' Oh please, use me as you will but do n't jest. '' she protested.

'' I 'm not joking, '' I assured her, `` And who else would want you, and in any casing you have agreed already ! ``

She sealed our steal with a osculation and we conjoined again.

Sadly My father objected to our union but the hope of two hundred pounds changed his head, but the Earl was more awkward, `` I have disowned her, '' he insisted, but I sneaked back after our interview and struck a bargain with the housekeeper and I took away all the peeress Catherine 's clothes for the sum of xv shillings !

The Reverent Pearl Bailey agreed to splice us and then came the Friday tryout at Trentham Assizes in the Court house.

Catherine the Great chose to hold out her red velvet dress with Andrew Dickson White detail and a red hat looking every inch the Duchess she should have been, to the shock and consternation of the yokels clustered around the court who expected her to be near naked, and she was allowed to sit with me in the world seating and not taken to the cells until called to the dock.

The proceedings were over in the blink of an eye.

'' The case of Catherine, formerly Lady Catherine the Great Howarth. '' the clerk announced.

'' Is there a case for the pursuance. '' the evaluator demanded of a small attorney cowering before him.

'' Ah. '' he said, `` Our expert Mr Allenby is indisposed. ``

'' No, he is the prison cell, '' the Judge remarked, `` I had him brought down, he shall speak up for you. ``

'' Ah, '' said the Lawyer, `` Oh, well, perhaps it was a simple mistake, and I 'm for certain Mre Fellows and Mr Francis Fellows would magnanimously forgive the girl and bring out her from her conviction. ``

'' Indeed, '' the judge ordered, `` Then call Mr John Matson. ``

I was nonplussed, unprepared but I stumbled among the throng and entered the witness box as Mrs Fowler stepped down.

'' Your ring, Mr Matson, please tell the court where you obtained it. '' The jurist asked, once I had sworn the truth to distinguish, `` The one on your finger. ''

'' I cast it, '' I admitted, `` Myself, it bears the Truro assay-mark. ``

'' display me, '' The jurist insisted, and when it was conveyed to him he added, `` It looks very lots like the Fowler one, did you make that too ? ``

'' Yes sir, for Lady Catherine, it was engraved `` With my love HM, but the words have been worn off to go away but HM. ``

'' What say you ? '' The Judge asked the Fowler 's Lawyer.

'' Our expert is indisposed. '' he repeated.

'' Oh enough ! '' the Judge insisted, `` It is bring in the ring is Matson 's and was given so could not throw been stolen, '' and he addressed the court of law Catherine II, dame Catherine your sentence is hereby declared suspended, however, this is not the end of the topic and should perjury be proven then at a tardy date perhaps you may leave the court of justice with no grease upon your character, '' he said, `` You may go. ``

I left with her and we mounted my Carriage, Barrington had offered his religious service once again as driver and so we went to Halliwell unannounced, I dressed in the classic vogue of a landed Gentleman with my beloved in a new clothes and shawl procured from Mrs Price -Wright and we rode in my tolerably smart coach pulled by a agree pair of Greys,

The Earl Howarth 's Butler rushed out in agitation call `` Are you expected sir, only His free grace. ``
he paused, `` Lady Catherine ? '' he asked.

'' Indeed tell father I have come for his excuse, '' she snapped.

'' look just be yourself, '' I said, `` Forgive him. ``

'' Never he abandoned me, '' she snapped, but when informed we were not invited in but her male parent came down.

'' I can not forgive you, '' he said, `` But go marry this chancer and fraudster and we shall never utter again. ``

'' But you allowed our union ? '' I asked.

'' Indeed, I sold her for a shilling, a funfair price, '' he asserted, `` But I can not receive you or her, ''

She set her face like rock and then we went away.

We went driving, I had previously made provisional query and when Catherine approved I bought the manor house called Boulby Manor for a veritable call as it was in an unfashionable dash, and the legal guardian of the late Mable Sempter needed a quick sales event and there we declared that we should set up house.

We missed the following Friday trial, the fowler 's offered no defence but merely relied upon the lenity of the judge so on the Saturday we went to Allerton lame to see them punished.

We sat where the Earl sat formerly, and the justice came and announced the sentences.

'' The sentence must represent the condemnation which their perjurious statements brought down on the innocent, therefore as laid down Mr Francis Fowler shall be sentenced to two 100 whiplash and be transported and Mrs Fowler shall endure one hundred lashes at solstice and equinox and shall serve Lady Catherine who is soon to be Mrs Matson in any menial capacity she shall choose.

Catherine looked at me and I at her and she kissed me on the lips.

The time and date were set, pull the wool over someone's eyes flurries set the market place place white like fairyland and made the stage slippery and the hangman stood as whips man again.

They led the Mother in world-class, Catherine II stared intently, as she was led up the steps to the stage, she was dressed in her cloak and her heavy winter robe with her script manacled but as soon as she was under the beam they hauled her hands above her straits, and tore her cape off her.

'' That was the forged bit John the Divine, '' Catherine of Aragon said, `` When they tore my robe off, I had no melodic theme, no mind at all. '' she said, `` All the yokels staring at what is buck private, '' she said, `` Ugghh ! ``

The hangman took up his whiplash and when Lady Fowler 's cloak was thrown aside he pluck away her wearing apparel but he struggled and then it was away and mere under thing covered her and then with rendings and lacrimation her tore her to nakedness. not even a chastity belt protected her reserve, as the rolls of fat and voluptuousness were laid bare.

She stood in blind panic and all was not well with the debacle as her soft flesh split almost the firstly blow.

There was consternation, and the Judge Grant ordered transactions halted, and he came up to Catherine, `` My Lady, '' he said, `` Can you find it in your ticker to commute the sentence ? ``

'' Indeed, '' she agreed, `` My Husband and I shall adminiser the blow at a desirable rate nightly whilst the noblewoman fowler serves us. '' she thought, `` Perhaps Francis might with advantage serve my hog as I should hate for him to return from the Antipodes with a chance. ``

'' A Wise and compassionate opinion, '' the Judge agreed and then he returned to the stage, `` In a feel of compassion Lady Catherine II has agreed that the lash shall be applied at her nursing home and in accession has petitioned that Mr Francis Fowler should be spared transportation and instead lashed in the property of his aforesaid mother and consigned to serve the pigs. ``

The mother was thus cut down and the Fowler son in act brought up, the yokels lost stake but the maids became occupy in their act as his jacket crown and shirt were taken off before he was hung from the radio beam by a rope round his cuff hands, and then his breeches were hauled down and the first of all coke was administered across his left berm and then a secondment across his right hand shoulder, and he bore it stoically while ten or more blows were landed and then in the manner of such people he began to snap off down, but it was not until after the first twenty blows were laid and after the leather clad hangman acting as whips-man had rested and downed a dry pint of ale that the maids had their thrill.

It was as the whips-man began to whip the man 's buttocks that the titter of laugh for as the reversal landed so his humanity found the gap in his under knee breeches and reared through the gap though by many criterion it was both suddenly and fat it caused huge merriment, indeed Catherine the Great turned to me and said `` Ugh, revolting, but as the blows continued it reared obscenely and his visage reddened with embarrassment.

'' Look, ! '' was the shout, taken up around the square, `` Oh, '' some gasped, and then with a wicked good sense of mischievousness the whips-man flashed the whip between Fowler legs and deep into his loins and all at once his manhood became animated and spewed Forth such a disgusting greyish gist, like three day old milk, that stout women fainted.

'' To consider I might have married that ? '' Catherine the Great gasped, `` I own six month in a pig sty was in all direction preferred. ``

But Fowler had collapsed upon buckling knees and with half the blows unadministered he was carried away senseless to the Gaol to recover before a further seance a week hence.

Catherine II and I stepped down among the showtime and we travelled base by equipage driven by the Mrs Sempter 's coachman, whom hoped to find permanent employment with us and we joked about Fowler but Catherine was despondent although she remained stoical throughout but I sensed she was still unhappy and I asked about it.

'' I want Father and Mother at my wedding party, '' she said sadly. Now that I could never deliver