An old tarradiddle reprised.

musical note All quality are entirely ficticious and my apologia of any kinsperson or company names have inadvertently been used


My madam 's line of descent, the Samuel Butler Tale.


I was idly cleaning some silverware. The sun was shining through the drawing room Windows. The lawns stretched away towards the lake with its island and folly while a gardener snipped ineffectually away at the lawn edges. It was an ordinary summers day.

Mr President Benjamin Harrison my lord 's stock factor and consultant arrived just after luncheon, he asked no demanded to see my lady with the uttermost urgency.

'' But sir, my lady is resting, '' I explained, knowing she was most likely with one police lieutenant Carruthers her later dalliance.

I went to seek her, I went upstairs to her room and knocked decorously, and then as one does I listened intently.

'' Oh yes, '' she was gasping, `` Oh that 's sooo good, do n't stop. ``

'' There 's someone knocking, '' a man 's part hissed.

'' Mr Harrison wishes an audience my Lady, '' I explained through the fold door.

'' Then have him wear a funny wig and look at the Adelphi ! '' the man joked.

'' Johnny, '' my lady whispered, `` count its Gerald 's banker, I had better go, '' and she shouted `` Just a moment ! ''

Amazingly quickly my lady appeared at the door, a vision of golden curls and vermillion chiffon, spoiled only by smeared lipstick.

'' My ma'am, '' I explained, `` Your lip reefer ? ``

'' Oh, '' she said, `` Do n't be so damned impertinent ! '' but she still looked in the mirror and repaired the damage with a napkin.

'' in force chap, mums the word ? '' Carruthers said as he followed her from the room while smoothing his cricket tee shirt down and taking his pocketbook from his Patrick Victor Martindale White cricket trousers he tucked a ten shilling annotation in my top pocket, `` See myself out, back way. '' and he slipped away, the very epitome of a lounge lizard, or should that be lounge snake.

I left him to his dissembling and deception, no doubtfulness the regiment thought he was elsewhere, perhaps he was at cricket and had himself bowled out to spare half an 60 minutes for cuckolding but perhaps his enormous ego would not allow him to come along less than a superman at the plication but he was certainly to the highest degree undeserving of my lady 's affections.

My lady swept downstairs, `` Mister President Benjamin Harrison, what a pleasant surprise ! '' she simpered.

'' I fear not lady Saltcoats, '' he said, `` Can we verbalize privately ? ``

'' The study is available my Lady, '' I suggested.

'' He means bugger off Holdford ! '' my lady hissed.

'' Alford my Lady, '' I corrected, `` Certainly my lady. ``

'' Go on then ! '' she hissed and she ushered me away.

I went to the kitchen, I sat on my commode, Mrs span the cook stood at the sink, `` Trouble Mr Alford ? '' she asked.

I looked at her, hard breasted, rhythm shouldered and old before her clock time, `` None of our business Mrs Bridges, '' I said using the courtesy title of Mrs despite the fact she had never married and was likely a virgin, with little prospect of losing that distinction.

'' If you say so sir ! '' she said sarcastically.

I let it go and then suddenly my lady shouted `` No ! ``

I stood and rushed to the work and cast aside the door wide. My lady was aghast, but stood one thousand from Harrison, `` No, it can not be so ! '' she cried.

'' What have you done sir ? '' I demanded, `` My noblewoman is overwrought ! ``

'' Not I, '' he said, `` I accept no blame. ``

'' For what ? '' I asked.

'' Divine Saltcoats has been declared bankrupt, '' Harrison explained, `` Receivers have been appointed, my Creator has seven calendar years to vacate these premises, meanwhile all bank history are stop dead. ``

'' What do you imply ? '' I demanded.

'' Household explanation, all that sort of thing, '' he explained, `` It 's the stock mart, and reinsurance, high finance, you would n't infer. ``

I should have hit him for his insult, but how was he to know my true case ? Instead I congratulated myself on blending so subtly into the fabric of the nation house.

'' There will be some residue surely, the London residence ? '' I asked.

'' Mortgaged, '' he said, `` And remortgaged, liabilities vastly exceed the asset. ``

'' Then why let this happen ! '' I queried.

'' None of your occupation, '' he said, `` But I had no idea, none at all, I merely care his lordship 's investiture portfolio, of course we made sound losses, but no more than anyone else, less than many, it 's not my fault he started meddling in policy, none at all ! ``

'' What does it mean, where will we go ! '' my lady demanded.

The telephone set rang, in an reflex reflex I went to the incoming Charles Francis Hall to serve it.

'' Rainsford House, Lord Saltcoats mansion, '' I answered automatically.

'' Alford, is that Alford ? '' someone demanded.

'' Indeed, '' I agreed.

'' Right look its Ted Griggs here, '' he said, `` His lordship 's London chauffeur, I got some bad news. ''

'' Indeed ? '' I queried.

'' Look tell Mrs Bridges that Almighty Saltcoats, has disappeared, '' he said.

'' Disappeared, no he 's gone ruin. '' I said.

'' wellspring I dropped him off at Victoria around ten o'clock this morning and they said to go home when I got back, I reckon he legged it to France on the shape de bawd, '' he meant the Golden Arrow gear, `` What do you think bankrupt ? '' he demanded, `` Oh shucks, I ai n't got no Thomas More penny tell Mrs Bridges, '' he said after the phone pinged and suddenly it went bushed Brrrrrrr.

'' It seems his lordship has left left us, '' I said as I returned.

'' Only becoming thing, '' Rex Harrison agreed, `` Gun or noose ? ``

'' The gearing ferrying to France ! '' I corrected.

'' Oh the total jack ! '' my lady cried.

'' Indeed my lady, '' I agreed and I slipped away.

Generally individual use of his lordship 's telephone was flat coat for instant judgment of dismissal but I no longer cared, and throwing circumspection to the wind I booked a phone call to my bank in Liverpool where they were keeping my `` folk Silver, '' in their safety deposit.

'' Alford ! '' my lady protested when she saw me at the telephone set when I should induce shown Mr Harrison out, but I ignored her.

She flew at me afterwards, `` How dare you ! '' she said, `` Collect your things you are dismissed now ! ``

'' And how shall you pay me what you owe ? '' I demanded, `` You can not. ``

'' I can dismiss you with nothing ! '' she said, `` No defrayment, no reference, no fiber ! ``

'' Indeed ? '' I queried, `` Well perhaps you can pay me. ``

'' No ! get your thing and go ! '' she said.

'' Perhaps you could pay me the way you pay lieutenant Carruthers and a few to a greater extent I might mention ! '' I suggested.

'' No, violation ! '' she wailed and she rushed towards her room.

I followed, I caught her at the doorway and pushed her inside pausing only to bolt the door.

'' No ! '' she said, `` Well at least let me loosen the draw, this cost an absolute fate. ``
'' Of course, '' I said, `` set aside me. ``

She sat on the bed as I unfastened her dress, `` Be careful, '' she pleaded and then she stood and it fell around her feet.

Her well rounded breasts bulged over her red corset, her red knickers enclosed by the suspender strap, and she stood up and laid the dress carefully on the dresser.

'' That 's better, '' she said and she screamed, `` violation, '' again various times.

'' Ot would appear the US cavalry is otherwise engaged my lady, '' I observed as I removed my highly round off Joseph Black shoes to reveal well worn black air sock with protruding big toes, which I hurriedly removed, `` Department of Energy Lieutenant Carruthers remove his shirt and under shirt gentlewoman ? '' I asked.

'' No, though it is none of your business, '' she declared, `` Rape ! '' she shouted again.

I removed my jacket and shirt front, slipped the cardboard dog collar off and removed my undershirt.

'' Good Maker, '' she gulped, `` Alford, '' and then I unbuttoned my flies and removed pant and underpants in a single motion.

'' God, you are pleased to see me are n't you ! '' she exclaimed as she gazed at my manhood as it strained, `` Right, '' she said as she snapped her suspender away from her stockings and pushed her knickers down before kicking them off her feet.

'' Rape, '' she shouted again and then, `` Oh well, you wo n't pain me will you, and there are some johnny 's in the dressing table.

'' They spoil the moment my lady, '' I explained, `` I shall mount you as the skilful lord intended. ``

It was nearly a hebdomad since my last night off, spent with two buxom tart in the town a wearisome ten foresighted miles away by bike, and my need was great, and her objection were little but tokens.

'' Do n't hurt me, '' she asked again as I gripped her waistline as I planted my knees firmly between hers and blindly aimed my humanity at her.

'' Hey, '' she said, `` Not there, let me, '' and she guided my straining humanness between her unseen slit lips and took me to heaven.

'' Do something then, '' she insisted.

'' What ? '' I asked as I luxuriated in the feeling of her moist cunt gripping me.

'' I do n't recognise, but it 's not very exciting for me. '' she declared.

I thrust against her, `` sound ? '' I asked.

'' a lot ! '' she said, `` And again, that 's unspoiled, '' she said, `` Oh you 're so big, '' she said, `` fucking me, you 're going to prison house for this so enjoy yourself ! ``

I started to consider of her as a lady of pleasure, a beautiful gilded haired high-pitched class whore, and then I remembered the smeared lip rouge and I determined to try her back talk as well and I dipped my lips to caress hers.

Her tongue emerged instantly, running around my dentition, my mind exploded and so did my cock saccade and pumping and flooding her parts, and as our mouths parted she was gasping and mutter, `` Oh my god, '' she said and then we stilled.

'' Alford, '' she said, `` What are we going to do ? ``,

'' What ? '' I asked.

'' If we 're bankrupt '' she said, `` What are we going to do ? ``

'' What is this `` We'suddenly ? '' I asked.

'' Well, what is it to be Alford, ravishment or 'we', '' she asked quite reasonably.

'' We, '' I said, `` My lady. ``

`` I expect Gerald has, '' she said quietly, `` He wo n't confront ruin, he knows I only want his money, I never loved him. ``

'' And the dashing police lieutenant ? '' I enquired.

'' He makes me feel respectable, '' she said, `` But then to be honest, so do you. ''

She stretched, `` So what is it to be, a nice cold prison cell or me ? ``

'' What a alternative, may I have a moment to think my noblewoman ? '' I asked.

'' Get dressed, we have appearance to maintain, '' she insisted and she went to dress again.

I too dressed and made my way downstairs, there was a hubbub of voices in the kitchen, I went in, `` Mr Alford, or is it My Lord. '' Binks the head gardener challenged.

'' Mr Binks, '' I replied, `` What troubles you ? ``

'' You and her ladyship, '' he said.

'' She 's finished, '' I said, `` We 're finished, his lordship 's insolvent, the bailiffs are coming so I 'm leaving. ``

'' And ladyship, '' Mrs bridgework asked.

'' Do n't ask me, '' I insisted.

'' She 's leaving with Mr Alford, '' her ladyship said as she came to stand behind me, `` Tonight. ``

I had no design of leaving so soon yet there was little point in remaining, `` We need to babble out, '' I explained.

'' We 'll get a hotel room, '' she suggested, `` Do you drive ? ``

'' Yes, '' I agreed.

'' Then we 'll take the curl, '' she insisted, `` The shooting brake ! ``

We left that same evening, her luggage stowed in every redundant quad it that huge crudely overbodied travesty of a sumptuousness car so full that she had to sit beside me, and we made our way north.

'' What will you do ? '' I asked.

'' What do you indicate ? '' she replied.

'' well I doubt cooking or cleaning is to your mouthful, '' I suggested, `` Whore, prostitute, courtesan ? ``

'' Yes, '' she agreed, `` I have some money, perhaps we could get a room ? ``

'' Perhaps, but for now, '' I suggested, `` Lady Alford and her Chauffeur ? ``

'' offprint bed ? '' she asked, `` I 'll call you Alan ! ``

'' One for sleeping and one for employment ! '' I joked.

I could n't trust her, I never really intended for her to become a whore but could not risk telling her the true statement, maybe I should ingest, but I didn't.

You see three years before my male parent had made arranging for me to forge in the United States of America, to hear about the American English organisation of banking which seemed so greatly higher-ranking to ours, and while there the big clang of 1929 erupted through the whole economical system.
I was working at a medium size metropolis bank as a sort of assistant manager, and I was right there when the run came, and when it came it all seemed to happen all at once.

ordinary hoi polloi, regular folks waited in a line right down the street and you did n't need to be a superstar to knead out we had not even a tenth part of the money those citizenry thought they had in their accounts to pay them. We started paying out in the first light and by noon the bank vault was empty, except that is an innocuous composition board box of big time value bill which somehow found their way in my cabinet, for safe keeping you understand.

Ted Adams top dog cashier and Jim McFadden the manager came down the bank entrance hall all glum faced, `` Shut the room access Jim, '' McFadden said to the guard, `` We 're gone broke. ``

That triggered a come on riot, I slipped out the gage way with my box and in all the mental confusion I swapped my twenty seven Buick for the janitor 's bicycle and pelage and I rode off down the street on that wheel with about a one-half million dollar sign in that cardboard box balanced on the mark bar.

I went to the apartment I rented, told Mrs Rafferty the concierge I was leaving and I headed north Occident towards New York City on the evening train.

So what do you do when you have half a million dollars of soul else 's cash ? Why get a job of course.

Except the world and his brother was looking for a job, so I bought some article of furniture, put my box in a sideboard, had it crated and arranged shipment to England on the RMS Mauretania and I sailed home 2nd class.
I had my crate put in repositing and looked for a job, told dad I was still in the province, changed my name to Alford and forged some consultation and worked in Liverpool until I fancied some area air and her ladyship took me on as Butler.

She knew my point of reference were forged, she thought she could sack me any meter and that would keep me in line and stop me telling her husband about her lovers.

But now I had half a million dollars to spend, without being noticed.

We found a prissy little apartment, it was over a betting shop in the Harrow route, the the three estates agent had hundreds of empty belongings, we could take our pick.

She had nest egg, we pawned some of her jewellery, we painted the apartment, bought bottom furniture, I had my stuff from Liverpool sent over and we worked like a veridical team.

Then when we were all cook to open I told her my plan, `` Look, '' I said one eve after a particularly hanker and gruelling school term in bed.

'' I know, Mister flopsy is tired, he needs a kiss, '' she said as she bent to snog my softened penis.

'' My lady, you do n't ask to sleep with anyone, except me, '' I explained, '' I have about half a million dollars to wash, you just say an eccentric American language paid you in dollars. ``

'' But Alan, '' she said, `` We agreed, we did all the study, we were going to get a maid, come out minuscule, establish up, two or three gentlemen a night to get down with. ``

'' We can just use it as a cover, '' I explained.

'' But you promised two or three men a day, '' she said angrily, `` You promised ! ``

'' But surely you do n't desire ? '' I asked.

'' And you do n't seriously intend you gratify me do you ? '' she asked, `` With Mr Floppy always needing a suck to quetch start him, for heavens sake ! ``

'' You want to be a whore ? '' I said incredulously.

'' Yes with you there to protect me, '' she said, `` I expect I could do a valet de chambre in forty minutes and a retainer in ten. ``

'' At the Sami time ? '' I queried, `` One up the back passage ? ``

'' Possibly, '' she said, `` But you did the sums, even with a few days a month when we need a stand in we will seduce a violent death ! ``

'' But what about us ? '' I asked.

'' Oh, you still get your turn, '' she said, `` But really, seriously, '' she said, `` I need more. ``

We heard nothing of Lord Saltcoats and so it was that we opened `` The Lady 's Boudoir '' one evening in September 1932.

The epithet was stencilled on the threshold beside the betting shop an inside the door we had a booth where the receptionist Lillia sat guarding the posterior of the stairs and then I would recognise the gentlemen, take their hats and mitt and stand in attendance in case they needed assistance with stuffing and always hold discreetness and moderation.

It sickened me, every day she lay in bed from mid morning till after midnight while a taking over of men used her, `` upright day sir may I subscribe to your hat ? '' I would ask and get a disdainful blaze in return as gloves were thrown in the hat and the hat handed to me.

We reached agreement for the betting shop to be our waiting room, every day there was my ma'am, answering to any name under the sun, play acting the sweetened heart, legs astride, cunt glistening. nipple distended, bathed in exertion like as not and then dragging some half naked gentleman minus trousers and underpants but like as not retaining drogue and drogue suspenders to her as she grasped his rearing fellow member to aim it within her or suck in it to aliveness or completion.

Hairy asses bobbling as they pounded her, time after clock time, workweek after hebdomad, month after month until every ounce of compassion I had for her was reason to aught by the friction of crotch upon crotch.

I rented a mansion for us in Middlesborough patio so we could get away from her study, but she was always too hackneyed so I had the other bedroom converted to another work room, bare trading floor and a simple mattress.

They paid extra for the simple-minded mattress, the more than soiled it got the better they liked it because it stopped being gentlemen and instead it was anyone who won a bet on the horses.

They all wanted to fuck a fine lady on a soiled mattress.

'' Maybe you would prefer standing against a wall in the ginnel ? '' I asked in a second of reckless sarcasm.

'' And how a good deal extra would that be ? '' the gent asked quite seriously.

'' Double, '' I said flippantly.

'' Then I 'll have that ! '' he agreed.

She used the court, the ginnel was too public and she wore a pair of sprocket and a servants duster, sometimes we had three men waiting while a fourth fucked her standing against the wall.

Sometimes Lillia pretended to be the ma'am, if she remembered to keep her backtalk shut, when not clamped around a customer 's member that is, she was fine, except it made too a good deal body of work for me keeping an eye on two woman of the street, taking money and everything.

One dark a Irishman asked me to fuck him up the ass while he fucked Lillia. I declined, but it gave me an idea, `` So where do you get you 're ass fucked ? '' I asked.

He told me, I out an advert in the window and got ten inquiries in two hours.

I gave Harry the job, he liked naught better than wearing a skirt with nothing under it, usually he wore a kilt but his geordie emphasis betrayed him and he relished the idea of ramming his meat up gentleman 's derriere while they shafted our whores.

He seemed entirely capable so I left him to it, and gradually did less and less clip at the Boudoir and he became more or less the manager while I planned my next move.

I went to Jack London and became delayed with my occasion and came north again to check on my lady.

She was not there, `` gentleman want variety show sir, I got some new lady friend in, '' Harry explained.

'' But she was the whole reason ! '' I pleaded, `` Where is she ? ``

'' Blowed if I know sir, '' he said, `` I just thought she were a tart, sir. I never thought she was your special whore. ``

I went out to seek her, I asked around until I heard of soul living in a hut by the railway and earning a crust from plate layer and the like.

I had to discover her and bought a bowler hat and gaberdine coating like a railway line official and marched down to the railing yards.

There was no polarity of her, but then a lucky stroke, `` You going for a jar Tam ? '' someone asked a driver as his shift key ended.

'' Och so I will, after I poke the lady, '' was his reply.

I followed, he went to the engineman 's barracks, where the long distance men lodged before returning family, and there I found her naked but for a coat open at the battlefront sitting on an engine man 's locker listening to the tales of engines.

'' Enginemen only sir, '' the helper said politely but firmly.

'' I came to see her, '' I said and pointed, `` How are you ? ``

'' Well, '' she said and she smiled, `` Were you worried ? '' she asked.

'' Yes, you were not at the house, '' I explained.

'' That Harry was beastly, '' she said, `` He wanted to charge more, but I just want sex. ``

'' And now ? '' I asked.

'' They are lovely, all these lonely men to solace, '' she said, `` They make me palpate wanted. ''

I looked at her, her blonde hair seemed to be silvering, her skin once like alabaster now weatherbeaten, `` I 'll keep an report for your money, you know where to find out me, '' I explained, `` Oh Geoffrey turned up, '' I added, `` He 's working as a Gigolo in four-card monte Carlo, maybe you two were made for each other after all. ``

'' Maybe, '' she admitted but the Scotsman had her in his coal dusted arms and his dark hands ran through her haircloth and his blacken rim brushed her ruby mouth and it was more than I could bear to see.

I hid my tears and left her even as she gasped in favourable reception as her Scots English lover took her to heaven once more .