Anna was going to stay with me for a month, but that month turned into two. Then three. Now the new class was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not care, of course, as I was madly in lovemaking with her, but the dubiety had consumed me. Was she a roommate ? friend ? Lover ? more ?

The fourth dimension to give"the talk"was that first hebdomad, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few to a greater extent times, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the detail of our relationship. Anna did not look to mind - she clearly did not want it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the windowpane closed. She met Baron Clive of Plassey at a swap meet in former November. They went on a date. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no longer sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come home a few nights a workweek. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say affair like,"God, you're such a great guy. You deserve to adjoin someone."It killed me. I DID deserve it, she was proper. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Clive. Fucking Clive.

By December she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her husband and finding her own place in the new year. She was very top that she felt like she was a gist to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as clear that I didn't tending. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a shot at Christmas Day. Clive was going to his parent's home in Colorado. Anna was driving to meet him on Dec. 26, but she had no plans for Christmas day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had nothing to do. I suggested we stay in and drink wine-colored and scout TV. She agreed.

I knew the natural endowment I got her was important. I mean, just getting her a present was not enough. I needed a command. There's a difference between a admirer gift and a lover gift. I wanted to get her a lover gift. I wanted a nookie subject matter to be sent in big, boldface, uppercase, thank-the-baby-Jesus letters. No doubt. No confusion.

I got her a pair of diamond earrings. It was the kind of affair she'd never get herself. I wrote a spoken communication, too. I had facts on how long it takes a infield to be formed, and how aid and precision and fortune had to be exactly right for it to happen. It was a miracle, really. And just as miraculous, I segued, was how often she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for virtually of my liveliness, and I wanted to show up her how special she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my air hole, in case I stumbled. It was my consequence. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in eccentric, you know, I got a rubber gift : Warm socks.

So on Xmas day, we were finished with bottle two. She got that happy-kid grin on her nerve and said she had gotten me a present. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was giddy. I grabbed her two gift and put them behind my back, under the shock, almost sealed I would give her the buff giving, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in cause, I put the sock back there, too.

Five arcminute later, she came back to the living room, tears streaking down her face. Clive had hidden a piffling enclose box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a duad of lovely rhombus earrings. She glided around the room, calling him on her cell to tell him how much she loved them. I swallowed my spit. FUCKING CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 gift card to GameStop. I gave her the socks. I had lost the fight, the battle and the war.

***

I had very specific plan for New class's Eve : I was going to drink heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the liquor store and bought a fifth of vodka. As I was about to control out, I looked at the 70-proof bottle of cheap hooch and though,"Hmm, is this enough ?"I bought two. And I don't even drink vodka.

I really wanted to contraband out before Ryan Seacrest showed his fucking tanned face on the screen. Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. blonde hair. high spot. Short. Perfect smile. Extremely nice and civil and wizard and funny story. He had always been sweet to me. A real gentleman, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a heavy glassful of liquid poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing intoxicant. Still, I had a destructive run that was pointing right at my liver and stomach. I tried to ignore the smell and took a big gulp.

My esophagus was still burning when my cellphone rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"Hello ?"

"Is this a bad time ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her voice cracked. I could tell she was choking back binge."I, uh. Are you home plate ? Are you out ?"

"I'm home. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … foot me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Baron Clive of Plassey he, uh … we had a conflict. You know ? I just need to get dwelling house and I left my debit card at rest home and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. spirit, it's aplomb. Where are you ? I will provide now."

***

Anna did not talk much on the way plate, just a few thank yous. By the time we got back to the flat, it was a picayune after 10. She looked stunning, even with her makeup running down her cheeks. Her tight honey oil frock hugged her curvature. I felt underdress, what with my dungaree and a t-shirt.

She went back to her room, only to reemerge a picayune before 12. Her hair was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a tight T. I wanted to kiss her. It was the outfit she wore the second gear night we were together.

She sat down beside me on the couch. She had a vino ice in her hand and motioned toward my bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her Methedrine up and sank back, her infantry curled under her. Her eyes were red, but she was no longer crying.

"Do you want to talk ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a shag idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"outset my hubby, now Baron Clive. I must have a especial draw to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in CO over the weekend … but his wife. She called when he was in the lav, and I picked up his electric cell. She was as surprised to found out about me as I was to found out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the nerve to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her drink, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the thing is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lying snake in the grass. I sensed it. I tried to block it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something bogus. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. Sort of stared. Then a hiss. Then a full laugh. I started laughing, too. She spilt a short of her drink on herself and laughed more. We were both twofold over.

"God,"she said, wiping the tears away."You are decent. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an idiot. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. wait, you WANT to love someone. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad things. There are defective qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on hope and destiny and all that other fairy tale stuff and nonsense. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be glad and to want the best in others. We live in a misanthropical reality. We need more ‘ you,'less ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her brain on my shoulder."You are a good admirer,"she said. My inwardness sank. I was such a sucker. It was five trough midnight.

We watched clip square on TV in silence, Anna taking the episodic sip from her wine glass. Her head stayed on my shoulder. We watched the countdown, the felicitous faces screaming and yelling. When the clock ticked one second, Anna turned and gently grabbed my fountainhead, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but zip was like this. It was sweetly and gentle and bundle with meaning. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her hand caressing my cheek. She put down her wine-coloured glass and started to be active, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the room."No. No."

"What's wrong ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? kiss you ? I thought you liked that ? We're ally. It's OK …"

"fuck Anna. We are NOT friends. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to live I love you, right ? I mean, you are a smart girl. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're friends. I can't have it."

Tears were in her center again. I couldn't look at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Robert Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want someone to lie with you and treat you right and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her hand through her hair and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not nourish a gaze. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you roll in the hay me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"Fuck, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't start now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would take in no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the sofa. I folded my script across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to lose me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my life, but I can't sit back and watch you day of the month guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your problem. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can give you what you want. And I can't sit back and watch this parade of unsuccessful person. I can't be your safety net."

"I know."

I covered my eye with my hand, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nose in 8th grad. I brushed the hair back, off my frontal bone. It felt leaden in the room.

"I am disconsolate to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my hand again. She pulled it to her thorax, against her heart. I turned to calculate at her."Kiss me,"she said."candy kiss me. Let's name the rest out later. I promise. I want this. please ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a methadone hydrochloride. She hated pain sensation in mass. I wasn't sure if this was rattling or her way of healing a injury. But I was weak. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex wad, but I am not sure I had ever made making love to mortal. I had never connected with someone on a primal level. But I did with Anna that dark. It was assuage and raw and excited. On my lounge. As Ryan Seacrest spoke in the background.

I stripped her clothes off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my shaft as I wrapped her legs around me. I eased into her, slipping my limb around her waist so I could pull her tight against me. It was the first meter I had been completely inside of her. I tried to make the mo last.

Our eubstance responded to each other. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her brim never left mine. I could sample the salt from her tears on her rim. Her tongue was fast-growing but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my cover and kissed me gruelling. She said my name and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said interior of her. She said she was on the tablet. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my head back so I could see her oculus. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A smiling of acknowledgment. I kissed her as I came, my cock exploding into the abysm of felicity and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my couch, wrapped in a blanket. Her ramification wrapped around mine, her read/write head on my breast and her fingers playfully running through my hair.

"I think this changes everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully capable to depend at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few seconds later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my mind raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .