Nozzer's first Gay sex.

It's humour not hard core.

We was down the Flying Horse sinking a few bevvies. We'd been down the lucifer looking for a few away assistant to prompt them that their team may be right at kicking balls but we was better at kicking bollocks if you see what I mean.

Nozzer weren't on form. He kept gasping for breathing time and sudation and that. I figured he been on the curry again, anyway there we was sinking a few Frank Stella's ( Artois ).

I got a circle in, It was getting late, phratry was leaving."sustenance the change,"I says.

"What variety you owe another ten hammer fifty,"the know it all managing director shouts earning himself a unspoiled kicking the next night rainy night.

I paid up, and staggered back to us tabulate with nine pints and a packet of pork scratchings.

Sandra the barmaid came over to shoot her tits, she made out she was collecting empties but you could see the deep red in her belly button down her segmentation, could have seen her vajazzle as well if she hadn't put on a bit of weight unit recently.

"What you do'in'after blighter ?"she says,"Only we thought about a lock in if you're up for it ?"

"Don't know,"I says,"Washing me fuzz maybe, and there's summat expert on telly."

"What's that then Chalky ?"arugula Ron asks.

"There's got to be summat good with sixty bloody channels,"I says reasonably.

Nozzer looked at his pint. It was odd he usually just go down them."What's up Noz ?"Gasser asks.

"Got a bad gut,"he says.

"Needs a bit of how's yer Father-God to loosen it up."Mikey suggested.

"Needs summat,"Nozzer agreed.

Now poor old Nozzer couldn't hold his beer. Ten pints was his lot and even then he wobbled all over the road when he rode his motorbike.



"That's how queers started,"I said,"Some poor bastard couldn't shit so his mate buggered him to loosen it up."

"You offering Chalk ?"Nozzer said.

"No way, but I reckon one of that lot would oblige."I says pointing to the sofa bar where several sharply dressed blokes was sat round. I knew one of them, tool"Nigel"Mansell

"I'll try anything Chalk,"Nozzer said through a haze of hard drink fume,"Anything."

I went into the lounge, They was all there, gay as fuck, all sharp suits and that. One had a apparel on. pin-up shade of garden pink, pity he hadn't had a shaving for a week.

I sidled up to, Nigel."Here my mate fancies you,"I says all well-disposed like like I was chatting up some girl.

"Oh really,"he says,"And who are you, Vice pope Eric or the Prince of whale ?"

"Nah straight up Nige,"I says,"He gets a bit loosen tongued when he's pissed, said he dreams about your big manly cock up his arse."

"My what ?"he says.

"well it used to be remember ?"I said,"When you used to get a intemperately on in the exhibitioner ?"

"Oh,"he said,"Well what did you require all those slippery well toned masculine soundbox just ripe for rogering."

"Anyway old Nozzer fondness batting for your side or at to the lowest degree having a trial,"I says.

He stared me right hand in the eye,"And what may I ask, Mr Chalk, is in it for you ?"

"I'll film it on me phone, sell it to Pornhub as Nozzer get's his Virgin ass busted,"I offers.

"I want 50 %"says Nige,"When we has the lock in."

"XL / 60"I says.

"No, I'm glad with one-half,"he says. Sarky sod.

I wanders back to me seat and Tell Nozzer,"Turns out Nige fancies you so its all set up for lock in."

"Taa Chalky, I owes you one."he says.

lock chamber in started around football team, Sandra whorl and bolted the door, hung her knickers on the door knob and started selling durex at ten quid a throw before she sat on the billiard board, legs spread widely and started wanking with a bottleful of Newcastle brown. Newcastle-upon-Tyne brown I ask you ! No class that bint, she had empty champagne bottles and Stella, even nose candy but no she had to use Newcastle Brown. Still it contrasted nicely with her bright pink pussy lips.

Thing was she had no takers ‘ cause everyone was watching Nozzer and Nige. Half the fella had their telephone set out and the other lot, them what batted for the early side, had their cocks out wanking.

Nozzer had his trousers down as he bent over the Billiard Table, don't know why he bothered as you could see his ass hole down his bum cleavage when he bent over, but there he was 46"shank St. Matthew the Apostle and M & S Wye fronts labialize his mortise joint while Nige hauled his cock out and slipped on a Durex, it were quite a nice spectre of common if I remember rightfield. He had a powerful boner. Mine would have turned inside out and done a runner if I had even thought of bumming Nozzer but Nozzer certainly turned Nige on.

mortal splashed some lube over Nige's pecker, I say lube, it might have been gearbox oil or washing up liquid for all I know.

Then it was down to line, the tip of Nige's glistening, straining green covered member eased into Nozzer's puckered virgin asshole.

Nige beamed with the pleasure of the loaded orifice slowly easing surface from the strong press of his rampant appendage, he pressed relaxed and pressed again, he gripped Nozzer firmly around the waist for more than purchase and grunted with the effort. Beads of sweat broke out on his eyebrow and dripped down onto Nozzers back.

Nozzer's cock hung down like a shrivel up white turnip. The cock in his ass felt good, he just wanted it further in.

Nige pulled back for another go, this meter he slid in a lot easier, he was enjoying himself, all the way out so the tip almost slipped out, then all the way right back in.

"Oh,"Nige gasped, He worried he was about to cum too quick.

"Orrggg,"Nozzer moaned as he worried he was about to toss up ten pints of Stella and a Chicken Vindaloo.

Then it happened, Nige thrust in but something was pushing back. His feet began to slip. His stopcock was sliding out instead of in.

"What the ?"he asked rhetorically. It was the stuff of nightmares. Hs rooster was being unceremoniously shoved out of Nozzer's nates by the dreaded shit python.

"For fucks sake !"Nige squealed as he recoiled, tripped over his bloomers and landed on his back.

The python stuck its dark-brown head out of Nozzer's ass and kept coming, just a solid shaft of tinker's damn oozing from his tight puckered ass jam.

"Wow man that's hit the speckle, '' Nozzer says, as the genuine goliath shit python slithered from his ass and curled up stinking on the floor like a big brown Snake coiled up ready to coin."That's what I needed man, that's ace. ``

Poor old Nige was in melt down down."Jesus !"he said,"Oh my god !"

Sandra took pathos on him she expertly peeled off his rubber using an inside out bag like picking up dog shit.

"Oh hapless Nige,"she says. She helped him to stand up and kissed him on the bonce,"Come to Mummy."

Nige was crying, he was totally freaked out. Sandra held him, then in a flashgun of inspiration, she popped her left tit out for Nige to suck on.

"Never judgment Mummy loves you,"she said as Nige tucked into her tit.

"Mummy has a limited front bottom so you can jazz her without getting shit under your foreskin,"Sandra husked.

Nozzer was looking for bog roll. Sandra was ordering no one in particular to clean the shit up, and Nige was getting an erection again.

"wishing to put your big thingy in Mummy's nice social movement bottom ?"Sandra asked in a stupid voice.

Nige was just confused as Sandra slipped a fresh durex on Nige's cock. She eased around and bent-grass over the border of the snooker mesa and reaching between her legs she guided the tip of Nige 's rapidly swelling cock towards her pussy. Nige eased into the unfamiliar warm slippery cavern. It seemed odd that there was so slight resistance, but it felt quite pleasant when Sandra started milking his rooster with well practised slit muscles.

Nige had barely started when he started to film his load.

Nozzer was rapt."Man that was the best whoreson ever !"He declared loudly to anyone who would heed,"I reckon I might turn gay me self if its that commodity,"he added drunkenly.

"You really are pure,"Algenon exclaimed.

"You ent supposed to shit,"Tommy Hunt says reasonably.

"right wing,"says Nozzer,"So why did Chalky say to do it ?"

"Taking the piss checkmate,"Tommy explained.

"You bastards,"says Nige as he pulls out of Sandra with his condom full of nerve and his face absolutely white,"Oh my god that was so awful."

"What fucking me ?"Sandra asked.

"No him shitting at me, I need therapy !"he replied.

"You need a girl mate,"Sandra said,"That's twenty five pound sterling by the way."

"Ghogof workweek,"I says,"give her one get one free."

Sandra scowled,"No demand to take the piss."

Not the most raw of answers anyway it set Nige off again. I was going to remind her that a tenner was the usual care.

Sandra held Nige tenderly and next bloody thing he was riding her bareback with her sat on the snooker tabular array and her feet on his shoulders. Really going for it and all.

Nige's mates were staring in disbelief, they couldn't get their heads around it. Nige fucking a dame. I forgot to motion picture it, couldn't have flogged the footage where he didn't rubber up any road, so we all had a few Thomas More bevvies and went home. Except Nige and Sandra that is, seems they stopped up all dark talking about fashion and women's stuff.

So that was it. Nige needed therapy, every fourth dimension he saw an ass hole he imagined a shit python emerging and it put him right off. Then again Sandra mad a nice few British pound sterling out of Nige and every gay bloke in Lancashire was warned what happened when Nige fucked Nozzer.

See. I was right, a bit of anal cured his irregularity .