Nozzer's first Gay sex.

It's humour not hard core.

We was down the Flying buck sinking a few bevvies. We'd been down the match looking for a few away supporters to remind them that their team may be better at kicking testicle but we was better at kicking nut if you see what I mean.

Nozzer weren't on contour. He kept gasping for breath and diaphoresis and that. I figured he been on the curry again, anyway there we was sinking a few Frank Stella's ( Artois ).

I got a stave in, It was getting late, folk was leaving."hold the variety,"I says.

"What change you owe another ten pound fifty,"the know it all manager shouts earning himself a good kicking the next dark rainy night.

I paid up, and staggered back to us table with nine pints and a packet of pork scratchings.

Sandra the barmaid came over to flash her tits, she made out she was collecting empties but you could see the ruby in her belly button down her segmentation, could feature seen her vajazzle as well if she hadn't put on a bit of weight recently.

"What you do'in'after lads ?"she says,"Only we thought about a lock in if you're up for it ?"

"Don't know,"I says,"Washing me hair maybe, and there's summat good on telly."

"What's that then Chalky ?"projectile Ron asks.

"There's got to be summat good with sixty bloody line,"I says reasonably.

Nozzer looked at his dry pint. It was odd he usually just drop them."What's up Noz ?"Gasser asks.

"Got a bad gut,"he says.

"Needs a bit of how's yer father to tease apart it up."Mikey suggested.

"pauperization summat,"Nozzer agreed.

Now short old Nozzer couldn't hold his beer. Ten pints was his lot and even then he wobbled all over the route when he rode his motorbike.



"That's how queers started,"I said,"Some poor bastard couldn't shit so his mate buggered him to loosen it up."

"You offering Chalk ?"Nozzer said.

"No way, but I reckon one of that lot would oblige."I says pointing to the lounge bar where several sharply attired blokes was sat round. I knew one of them, Saint Peter"Nigel"Mansell

"I'll try anything chicken feed,"Nozzer said through a daze of booze exhaust,"Anything."

I went into the lounge, They was all there, gay as piece of ass, all shrill suits and that. One had a wearing apparel on. lovely subtlety of pink, pity he hadn't had a shaving for a week.

I sidled up to, Nigel."Here my teammate phantasy you,"I says all well-disposed like like I was chatting up some girl.

"Oh really,"he says,"And who are you, Vice pope Eric or the Prince of heavyweight ?"

"Nah straight up Nige,"I says,"He gets a bit informal tongued when he's pissed, said he dreams about your big manly cock up his arse."

"My what ?"he says.

"wellspring it used to be remember ?"I said,"When you used to get a hard on in the showers ?"

"Oh,"he said,"Well what did you bear all those slippery well toned masculine eubstance just ripe for rogering."

"Anyway old Nozzer partiality batting for your side or at least having a trial,"I says.

He stared me right hand in the eye,"And what may I ask, Mr Chalk, is in it for you ?"

"I'll film it on me sound, deal it to Pornhub as Nozzer get's his virgin ass busted,"I offers.

"I want 50 %"says Nige,"When we has the curl in."

"forty / Sixty"I says.

"No, I'm glad with one-half,"he says. Sarky sod.

I wanders back to me seat and Tell Nozzer,"Turns out Nige fantasy you so its all set up for lock in."

"Taa Chalky, I owes you one."he says.

lock in started around XI, Sandra whorl and bolted the door, hung her knee breeches on the door knob and started selling durex at ten quid a cam stroke before she sat on the billiard table, legs counterpane wide and started wanking with a bottle of Newcastle Brown. Newcastle brownness I ask you ! No course that bint, she had empty Champagne bottle and Stella, even blow but no she had to use Newcastle-upon-Tyne brown. Still it contrasted nicely with her burnished ping pussy lips.

Thing was she had no takers ‘ causal agent everyone was watching Nozzer and Nige. Half the bloke had their phones out and the other lot, them what batted for the early English, had their cocks out wanking.

Nozzer had his trousers down as he bent over the Billiard board, don't know why he bothered as you could see his ass hole down his bum segmentation when he bent over, but there he was 46"waist Levis and M & S Wye front man assail his ankles while Nige hauled his cock out and slipped on a Durex, it were quite a nice shade of leafy vegetable if I remember aright. He had a right blooper. Mine would ingest turned inside out and done a runner if I had even thought of bumming Nozzer but Nozzer certainly turned Nige on.

Someone splashed some lube over Nige's prick, I say lube, it might have been gearbox oil or washing up liquid for all I know.

Then it was down to business, the tip of Nige's glistening, straining green wrap up member eased into Nozzer's puckered virgin asshole.

Nige beamed with the delight of the squiffy orifice slowly easing open from the steadfastly pressure of his rampant extremity, he pressed relaxed and pressed again, he gripped Nozzer firmly around the waist for more purchase and grunted with the elbow grease. bead of sweat broke out on his brow and dripped down onto Nozzers back.

Nozzer's peter hung down like a wizen Brassica rapa. The cock in his ass felt near, he just wanted it further in.

Nige pulled back for another go, this clock time he slid in a lot easier, he was enjoying himself, all the way out so the tip almost slipped out, then all the way right back in.

"Oh,"Nige gasped, He worried he was about to cum too quick.

"Orrggg,"Nozzer moaned as he worried he was about to chuck up ten pint of Stella and a chicken Vindaloo.

Then it happened, Nige thrusting in but something was pushing back. His feet began to drop away. His putz was sliding out instead of in.

"What the ?"he asked rhetorically. It was the stuff and nonsense of nightmare. Hs cock was being unceremoniously shoved out of Nozzer's arse by the dreaded shit python.

"For fuck sake !"Nige squealed as he recoiled, tripped over his drawers and landed on his back.

The Python stuck its browned head out of Nozzer's ass and kept coming, just a satisfying shaft of snitch oozing from his tight puckered ass muddle.

"Wow man that's hit the spot, '' Nozzer says, as the echt giant shit python slithered from his ass and curled up stinking on the storey like a big brown serpent coiled up ready to shine."That's what I needed man, that's ace. ``

poor people old Nige was in melt down."Jesus !"he said,"Oh my god !"

Sandra took pity on him she expertly peeled off his safe using an interior out bag like picking up dog shit.

"Oh poor Nige,"she says. She helped him to stand up and kissed him on the bonce,"come to Mummy."

Nige was crying, he was totally freaked out. Sandra held him, then in a jiffy of inspiration, she popped her left tit out for Nige to soak up on.

"Never mind mammy loves you,"she said as Nige tucked into her tit.

"mammy has a special presence rump so you can fuck her without getting shit under your prepuce,"Sandra husked.

Nozzer was looking for bog axial rotation. Sandra was ordering no one in particular to strip the shit up, and Nige was getting an erection again.

"Want to put your big thingy in Mummy's overnice front merchant ship ?"Sandra asked in a stupid voice.

Nige was just confused as Sandra slipped a fresh durex on Nige's peter. She eased around and set over the bound of the snooker tabular array and reaching between her legs she guided the tip of Nige 's rapidly swelling cock towards her pussy. Nige eased into the unfamiliar warm slippery cavern. It seemed odd that there was so lilliputian resistor, but it felt quite pleasant when Sandra started milking his cock with well practised cunt muscles.

Nige had barely started when he started to pip his load.

Nozzer was ecstatic."Man that was the best shit ever !"He declared loudly to anyone who would listen,"I reckon I might twist gay me self if its that commodity,"he added drunkenly.

"You really are gross,"Algenon exclaimed.

"You ent supposed to shit,"Tommy Richard Morris Hunt says reasonably.

"rightfield,"says Nozzer,"So why did Chalky say to do it ?"

"Taking the urine match,"Tommy explained.

"You bastards,"says Nige as he pulls out of Sandra with his condom full of spunk and his fount absolutely livid,"Oh my god that was so awful."

"What fucking me ?"Sandra asked.

"No him shitting at me, I need therapy !"he replied.

"You need a girlfriend Paraguay tea,"Sandra said,"That's twenty five chew by the way."

"Ghogof week,"I says,"spring her one get one free."

Sandra scowled,"No need to require the piss."

Not the most sensitive of reply anyway it set Nige off again. I was going to remind her that a X was the usual explosive charge.

Sandra held Nige tenderly and future bloody thing he was riding her bareback with her sat on the snooker board and her feet on his shoulders. Really going for it and all.

Nige's mates were staring in incredulity, they couldn't get their heads around it. Nige fucking a bird. I forgot to pic it, couldn't have flogged the footage where he didn't rubber up any route, so we all had a few Sir Thomas More bevvies and went plate. Except Nige and Sandra that is, seems they stopped up all night talking about fashion and fair sex's stuff.

So that was it. Nige needed therapy, every meter he saw an ass golf hole he imagined a shit python emerging and it put him right off. Then again Sandra mad a nice few quid out of Nige and every gay bloke in Lancashire was warned what happened when Nige fucked Nozzer.

See. I was right, a bit of anal retentive cured his stultification .