Anna was going to delay with me for a calendar month, but that month turned into two. Then three. Now the new year was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not care, of form, as I was madly in love with her, but the doubtfulness had consumed me. Was she a roomy ? booster ? lover ? More ?

The time to suffer"the talk"was that beginning week, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few more times, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the details of our relationship. Anna did not seem to mind - she clearly did not want it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the windowpane closed. She met Clive at a trade meet in early November. They went on a day of the month. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no longer sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come house a few nights a workweek. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say things like,"God, you're such a great guy. You deserve to meet someone."It killed me. I DID deserve it, she was powerful. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Clive. Fucking Clive.

By Dec she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her husband and finding her own berth in the new class. She was very clear that she felt like she was a load to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as clear that I didn't care. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a snap at Christmas. Baron Clive was going to his parent's menage in Colorado. Anna was driving to suffer him on Dec. 26, but she had no programme for Dec 25 day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had null to do. I suggested we stay in and wassail vino and watch TV. She agreed.

I knew the gift I got her was important. I mean, just getting her a present was not enough. I needed a statement. There's a difference of opinion between a supporter gift and a lover gift. I wanted to get her a lover giving. I wanted a fucking message to be sent in big, bold face, capital, thank-the-baby-Jesus letter of the alphabet. No doubt. No confusion.

I got her a pair of diamond earrings. It was the form of thing she'd never get herself. I wrote a delivery, too. I had facts on how long it takes a diamond to be formed, and how care and precision and fortune had to be exactly right for it to happen. It was a miracle, really. And just as heaven-sent, I segued, was how much she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for to the highest degree of my life, and I wanted to show her how peculiar she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my pocket, in instance I stumbled. It was my bit. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in case, you know, I got a safety gift : strong socks.

So on Xmas day, we were finished with bottle two. She got that happy-kid grin on her side and said she had gotten me a award. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was giddy. I grabbed her two gifts and put them behind my back, under the shock, almost certain I would give her the buff gift, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in case, I put the windsock back there, too.

Five hour later, she came back to the living room, tears streaking down her face. Baron Clive had hidden a short wrapped box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a brace of cover girl diamond earrings. She glided around the way, calling him on her cell to severalise him how much she loved them. I swallowed my lingua. FUCKING CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 gift card to GameStop. I gave her the socks. I had lost the fighting, the fight and the war.

***

I had very specific plans for New Year's Eve : I was going to drink heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the pot liquor store and bought a fifth of vodka. As I was about to check out, I looked at the 70-proof bottle of tawdry hooch and though,"Hmm, is this enough ?"I bought two. And I don't even toast vodka.

I really wanted to black out before Ryan Seacrest showed his nooky tanned nerve on the screen. Baron Clive of Plassey looked a bit like Seacrest. blonde haircloth. Highlights. short. Perfect smile. Extremely overnice and polite and enamor and curious. He had always been sweet to me. A real gentleman, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a large deoxyephedrine of liquidness poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing alcohol. Still, I had a destructive stripe that was pointing right at my liver and breadbasket. I tried to ignore the smell and took a big gulp.

My esophagus was still burning when my jail cell rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"hi ?"

"Is this a bad time ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her voice cracked. I could differentiate she was choking back tears."I, uh. Are you dwelling ? Are you out ?"

"I'm home base. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … pick me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Baron Clive he, uh … we had a fight. You know ? I just need to get home and I left my debit entry plug-in at home and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. Look, it's cool. Where are you ? I will lead now."

***

Anna did not talk much on the way place, just a few thank yous. By the sentence we got back to the apartment, it was a slight after 10. She looked stunning, even with her makeup running down her cheeks. Her tight greenness attire hugged her curves. I felt underdress, what with my dungaree and a t-shirt.

She went back to her elbow room, only to reemerge a trivial before 12. Her tomentum was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a tight T. I wanted to kiss her. It was the outfit she wore the second night we were together.

She sat down beside me on the couch. She had a wine glass in her deal and motioned toward my feeding bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her spyglass up and sank back, her invertebrate foot curled under her. Her eyes were red, but she was no long crying.

"Do you want to talk ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a lie with idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"low my hubby, now Clive. I must have a special attraction to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in Colorado over the weekend … but his wife. She called when he was in the bathroom, and I picked up his cell. She was as surprised to come up out about me as I was to find out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the nerve to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the golf-club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her drink, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the matter is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lying snake. I sensed it. I tried to block it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something pretender. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. kind of stared. Then a snort. Then a full laugh. I started laughing, too. She spilt a trivial of her drinking on herself and laughed more. We were both doubled over.

"God,"she said, wiping the tears away."You are justly. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an cretin. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. take care, you WANT to love someone. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad thing. There are spoilt qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on hope and luck and all that early fairy taradiddle stuff. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be happy and to require the best in others. We live in a cynical world. We need Thomas More ‘ you,'to a lesser extent ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her head on my shoulder."You are a skillful Friend,"she said. My heart sank. I was such a sucker. It was five till midnight.

We watched prison term Square on TV in muteness, Anna taking the casual sip from her wine glass. Her head stayed on my shoulder. We watched the countdown, the happy faces shrieking and shouting. When the clock ticked one second, Anna turned and gently grabbed my headland, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but nothing was like this. It was sweet and patrician and packed with significance. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her hand caressing my buttock. She put down her wine glass and started to locomote, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the room."No. No."

"What's wrong ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? snog you ? I thought you liked that ? We're friends. It's OK …"

"FUCK Anna. We are NOT protagonist. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to know I love you, right ? I mean, you are a impudent girl. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're friends. I can't subscribe to it."

crying were in her eyes again. I couldn't expression at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Robert Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want soul to love you and treat you right and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her hand through her hair and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not nurture a gaze. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you love me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"Fuck, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't start now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would throw no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the couch. I folded my work force across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to mislay me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my animation, but I can't sit back and watch you escort guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your problems. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can kick in you what you want. And I can't sit back and view this parade of also-ran. I can't be your condom net."

"I know."

I covered my eyes with my script, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nose in eighth grade. I brushed the hairsbreadth back, off my frontal bone. It felt big in the room.

"I am dreary to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my hired hand again. She pulled it to her chest of drawers, against her nerve. I turned to see at her."kiss me,"she said."Kiss me. Let's figure the residuum out later. I promise. I want this. Please ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a dolophine hydrochloride. She hated pain in masses. I wasn't surely if this was material or her way of healing a wound. But I was weak. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex scores, but I am not sure I had ever made love to someone. I had never connected with mortal on a primaeval stratum. But I did with Anna that night. It was gentle and raw and aroused. On my lounge. As Ryan Seacrest wheel spoke in the background.

I stripped her clothes off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my prick as I wrapped her legs around me. I eased into her, slipping my blazonry around her waist so I could pull her tight against me. It was the first time I had been completely inside of her. I tried to make the moment last.

Our bodies responded to each other. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her back talk never left mine. I could taste the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks from her tears on her rim. Her tongue was aggressive but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my back and kissed me knockout. She said my name and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said interior of her. She said she was on the pill. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my head back so I could see her heart. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A grin of credit. I kissed her as I came, my cock exploding into the abyss of happiness and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my couch, wrapped in a cover. Her legs wrapped around mine, her head on my chest and her finger's breadth playfully running through my hair.

"I think this modification everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able to look at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few second base later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my mind raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .