Blagthorpe, Yorkshire, England 1886. Finest pit int'whole world.

living were surd back then

I were standing by fire in pit head spot watching our eldest Lucy shovelling coal into railway wagon, as fast as any man. By eck, I thought, what a lass, and that's when I had a notion.

I'm Henry Blagthorpe, They calls me Lord Blagthorpe, or that son of a bitch Blagthorpe. I own pit and small town of Blagthorpe as it happens, I has a reputation you see.

I married a widdow, Elsie Sugden. Her had a kid already, Lucy. I says married, we never wasted brass on Christian church or nothing. Every bit of organization went into business.

Useless bitch she were and all. sevener bally giirls her popped before her cried enough and went to slumber in spare elbow room, well one of em, I had twelve bedrooms at last count.

I went outside to suffer a Christian Bible,"Eee lass thee's fit."I says to our Lucy.

"What's this chatting up thee daughter, he'll be in thee knickers next,"Cocker Drayton joked.

"clitoris it English cocker spaniel,"I says,"I means she's strong as any bloke,"I says.

"wellspring don't go geting any ideas,"Lucy snapped,"I told thee I'll not James Cook and clean for thee, nor go down pit, I'd rather go down whore house."

"Look here, thee'd frighten blokes pudding head, now if thee's got any sense thee's sell the honour to highest bidder."I suggested.

"And how much would you offer ?"she asked.

"basketball team bob,"I laughed.

"Done, I'll tell our mam."she grinned and went back to shovelling. She must have been hot as she had her shirt undone and thee could see her whatsits swinging as she shovelled.

I got home after shadow. Table was set. Tea was cold as always. Elsie was bloody miserable as always.

"For half a bloody jacket I'd send the lot of thee to workhouse,"I joked to lighten up mood.

"For half a crown I'd bloody go,"Elsie said moodily.

"Mam our Dad offered five bob for me honour,"Lucy blurted out as she washed the coal dust off her patch stripped to the waist by kitchen sink.

"Some flaming hopes it must be yearn gone,"Elsie snapped.

"No, no sod's had me our mam, ent no one as I fancy,"Lucy said,"Except Daddy."

"Now hang on I were jesting,"I said,"Thee's me daughter."

"So why am I working in pit not at some poncy finishing school or some such ?"Lucy asked.

"I don't want thee cavorting with toff, I wants thee,"I said,"I wants thee close at paw so I can look after thee."

"So no other bugger has me,"she challenged,"You want's me for thee own, for thee whore !"

She stood there, whatsits hanging out, the teats all stood up, face and hair all sinister, and it hit me."I reckon thee's right."I said. I had a think,"Thee's old enough, there ‘ ent nowt but courtesy for keeping thee around as thee ent mine so there ‘ ent no cause we shouldn't is there."

"I'd snap thee little dick in one-half,"she challenged wi'her middle ablaze.

"Go and fuck the little bitch,"Elsie said,"Then chuck her out ungrateful mare."

I found a golden guinea,"Here thee are then,"I says as I handed it to her,"Get thee kit off."

"I suppose you want's change ?"she said.

"Nah maintain it,"I said. Our Elsie near fainted, she were so shocked by me generosity.

"Da,"Lucy says,"Can we go somewhere more buck private ?"

"Nay, sodomist it, me saps up,"I says,"Bend over table our Lucy I'll biff thee from behind."

Our Elsie made a space and Lucy dropped her mans breeches what she wore and bent over table.

Her woman 's component was all pink and moist and me tadger was straining fit to bust so I had me belt undone and me kecks round me ankles afore you could say"Ee Bah Gum."

It were prosperous he were straining as her thingy put up a scrap as I went to prod her, I had to flow on to her whatsits to get a bit of purchase like, but all of a sudden it gev way and I were bollock inscrutable inside her unmentionables. Her moaned all satisfied like as I poked away at her.

It was blooming genius, her seemed to enjoy it as well. I enjoyed me self like I hadn't for bloody ages. In the end when I shot me bolt I were bloody knackered.

I sat down. Our Elsie pushed me tea in straw man of me. It were cold, bloody uneatable like. I flung it at her,"Am off down bloody chippy, you coming our Lucy ?"

"What about us ?"Elsie whined.

"Thee made bloody gook, thee can bloody eat ont,"I told her.

Our Lucy pulld her breeches up and that and off we went.

They were shocked to see I down Chippy, They let us go first in queue on account statement of none of ‘ em wanted the sack.

"Two haddock and a bag o'chips,"I says,"And what ever thee's having,"I gestured towards our Lucy.

"I'll have a nub pie,"Lucy says,"The big un, what sort of meat is it."

"Horse,"Chippy said,"Thee Faither lets us have pit crib cheap when they're knackered."

"Almighty Blagthorpe to thee, any road rung she ‘ ent me girl no more ‘ cause I been poking her and she's mine now."

"Not till you put a hoop on me finger I ent,"Lucy says,"You ent me dad, you ent me nothing,"

"Bloody perdition girl,"I says,"Thee don't knack around do thee ?"I thought a mo. She were fit, healthy, why she had a better than average chance of bearing me a son. Me thinker were made up.

"Marry me then our Lucy !"I says.

"‘ Course I will,"she says,"Army of the Pure nip off low rectory and set things in motion."

"sodomite me tha'don't hang about.|"I admitted.

"I had a practiced instructor,"she smiled.

We picked up us snap and headed off down vicar's place.

Vicar bloody near had a fit,"But she's your girl !"he whined.

"pace daughter,"Lucy reminded him,"Him and me Mam ent married any road and me half sisters is all bastards."

"I wouldn't call all of em bastard, bloody irritating mebe,"I confessed.

"She means technically,"the Vicar said helpfully,"So there is a lot to organise, heyday, bell, choir,"

"That's testis is that,"Lucy says,"No peak, no bell shape, no choir, no all-fired fancy clothes, just name the Banns, marry us part way through morning Service and then us can get started on a son and inheritor for Daddy, I mean for Henry."

"Are you sure ?"I asks.

‘ Course I'm sure,"Lucy insisted,"I know thee loves brass more than anything so I ent going to get going off by riling thee am I ?"

I were shocked to the heart, she understood me in a way our Elsie never did. Elsie always wanted new clobber long afore the old were wore out, her'd of treasured flush and the unanimous bloody shebang.

We went back home, I expected Lucy to scat in along with I but her said not trough us was wed so I had to make do with Elsie and her alone let me jab her backside.

triplet weeks later we was wed. Bloody hell did I know it. I were bloody drained. Her wanted it morning noon and Night, afore fall apart fast, during aurora fag gap, flick time and after tea as well as bed metre.

"You'll give me heart fire !"I protested as she jumped on me thingy for the second metre in an hour in pit office wi clerks and that trying to look t'other way.

"And all thee stuff will be mine,"she said her eyes ablaze.

"Ah, so that's thee plan,"I agreed as her bounced up and down on me thingy which were clay as a pit prop,"So what u'd thee change if I popped me overload ?"

"bang our bloody Mam out for a starting line, and me fucking sisters,"she said,"Get a in good order house what's easy to keep clean and jerk and warmly William Christopher Handy for pit."

"And,"I says as her leaping up, down and sideways on me thingy, pleasuring her sen.

"Get me self a fit bloke what can roger me sideways all day and all night."she said wistfully.

"He'd have thee fat we child afore thee knowed,"I assured her,"But thee has a point, what bloody use is thee Mam except when thee has womens thingys and I can't have thee. eats her out and the tyke, send em down piece of work house."

"You callous dickhead !"she said,"They're your bloody kids."

"Not a shit o unspoilt none of em,"I admitted,"e should complain the bloody lot out."

"thing is,"Lucy said,"If we moved in that nice three bed down Abbotoire Road as I got me eye on."

"Yes ?"I said,"We could let big sign of the zodiac out as flats, send the honest-to-goodness girlfriend down pit, lend unseasoned to chimney sweep, and set our Mam up in her own whore planetary house and commission her rent."

I were gob smacked. I shot me shipment in seismic disturbance."Bugger me our Lucy,"I says,"Why the ‘ ell didn't I think of that !"

"Yer gettin'old, and I had a unspoilt instructor,"she happily as she climbed off me and wiped her sen on table material."Now have a bit of a kip, I'll be back for more in half a mo !"

Her went back to shovelling.

"Her'll have thee in ahead of time grave you mark my words,"Cocker Drayton honcho salesclerk muttered.

"I die happy,"I answered,"Then mebbe her'll nookie thee ?"

He went quite pale.

"I'm bloody joking you wazzock !"I taunted him.

He bloody fainted. Said it were shock of me cracking a joke, first time in the 20 geezerhood he 'd worked'for me.

Its bloody funny what sexual love does to thee .