`` What level ? '' I asked as I looked down from the scaffolding high above Magdelene Street while
answering my jail cell phone.

'' The lounge floor, '' a woman with a plummy accent insisted, `` It 's staining the ceiling downstairs it really is not good enough ! ``

'' And where is this ? '' I asked, she told me, it did n't register.

'' London ! '' she said.

'' That was workweek ago ! '' I explained.

'' fountainhead it 's not good enough, either you rectify it at no price or I shall sue. ``

'' OK, text me the address, '' I agreed, `` I 'll see what I can do. ``

'' I want rather more than a vague promise, '' she said, `` You finish at five, I shall ask you at seven this evening, that should give you time for shower and a cheese Warren Earl Burger. ``

'' That 's rush hour ! '' I protested.

'' Leaving London pet, not coming in, seven o'clock or I sue. ``

I did n't receive much choice really, so I thew my putz in the old theodolite at knocking off time and headed stave mums for a bite to eat and a exhibitioner before hitting the M40 East bound.

The traffic was n't bad, not my way, westbound was like a car park but I went well until past the M25 where it got a bit sticky.

I got round her shoes around ten to seven, an old forge townsfolk sign of the zodiac with a few pace up to the nominal head threshold and a few down to the basement, probably 1880 ish, bath rock faced to first floor spirit level then render, a red brick structure basically thrown up on the cheap.

'' You 're early, '' she said censoriously as she opened the front door.

'' We aim to delight, '' I quipped.

'' Well improve your aim, '' she said as she stepped back to allow me into the hallway. She looked late mid-thirties acted like XC, snotty bitch.

The kitchen room access opened, `` Mistress, '' a girl 's representative trilled.

'' Not now kitten, '' the woman insisted.

'' But Mistress, I have to be, oops ! '' she said.

I stared, she was wearing a maidservant outfit about four sizes too small, her breasts swelled over the top and it barely reached below her navel which must sustain been chilly as she was n't wearing any knickers.

'' Sorry fancy woman. '' she said.

'' Well close the door, and put your eyeball back in, they 're on husk ! '' the 'Mistress .'insisted, `` You simply ca n't get the staff. ``

'' But ! '' I said stupidly.

'' Oh ignite up and smell the coffee bean, '' she insisted, `` Really the pocket-size mindedness of the typical British worker never fails to astonish me. ``

'' None of my business brothel keeper. '' I agreed, `` Or is that Mistress. ``

'' Do n't push it. '' she said as she locked the exterior room access behind me, `` But we are not here to talk about my sexual preferences, nor yours for that matter. ``

She led me through to the sofa, strangely the story was as I left it, sealed tongue and furrow stripped pine, it looked fine.

'' What 's the problem ? '' I asked as I noticed a strong olfactory property of disinfectant.

'' It leaks, '' she said, `` It is staining the basement roof. ``

'' What leaks ? '' I asked.

'' The floor, '' she said, `` passing water, you were instructed to seal it. ``

'' Not against weewee outflow, '' I explained, `` But the casual spillage should be fine. ``

'' That is not what we agreed, '' she insisted.

'' I suppose I could apply it another coat, '' I offered, `` Why does it smell of disinfectant ? ``

'' You had expert see the basement, '' she said, and she swept past me and led me down the stairs from the spacious modern kitchen to the old cramped kitchen below and through to the storage room formerly servants hall beneath the lounge.

The ceiling was stained brown.

'' Crikey, that 's not water, '' I said, and I rubbed my finger against the low roof and tasted it, `` That 's, yuck, where does the plumbing go. ``

'' Can you seal it ? '' she asked.

'' No, this is the foul drainage, nothing to do with me, '' I said.

'' You said seal, come upstairs again Mr Allington, '' she said, `` Let me demonstrate. ``

She went back to the couch, `` Pippa ! '' she said, `` Show our Edgar Albert Guest the problem. ``

'' Mistress ? '' she queried, `` But he 's a man fancy woman ? ``

'' Very nearly Pippa, '' she said, `` But show him how you show attrition. ``

'' I ca n't madam. '' she said firmly.

'' I 'll get the cat in a hour, '' the 'Mistress ,'threatened.

My creative thinker boggled, she had done her outflank but her bosom still bulged from her top and at least the underside dyad of inches of her pussy were clearly displayed below the hem of her skirt.

'' No please Mistress, '' she pleaded.

'' So do it you dolt youngster, '' she insisted.

I had no melodic theme what was about to happen when quite improbably she squatted down and started to do a wee on the polish up floor.

'' Bleedin'sin ! '' I swore, `` No blessed marvel it making water and malodor, have n't you ever heard of lavatory, Thomas Crapper, Armitage Ware and all that ? ''

'' And in your small heed world have you no knowledge of water play ? '' she asked.

'' Certainly have, '' I said, `` Surfing at Newquay, Jet Skis, water skiing, but not pissing on the living room trading floor. ``

'' And it had no effect on you at all ? '' she asked.

'' No, '' I lied for my old man had come to life quite painfully if I was honest, stuck down my trouser leg when he needed some space,

'' seed Mr Allingon, '' she said, `` You have an erection which would n't disgrace a full uprise rabbit. ``

'' Hey ? '' I queried, `` What do you think of rabbit ? ``

'' Precisely, '' she explained, `` I am afraid I much prefer a dainty fixed forearm to the transitory hardness of the male member, have I shocked you Mr Allington ? ``

She certainly had, `` No, '' I lied, `` Well pissing on the story is a bit of a gob tang if I 'm fair. ``

'' She 's very, dear to me, so I keep her on a short rein, '' the 'Mistress'explained, `` She has a delightfully petite fist. ``

Pippa was smiling coyly at me, `` But she does like dick, '' the Mistress said sadly.

'' What exactly as this to do with sealing floors ? '' I asked.

'' Your erection Cy Young man, '' she explained, `` I fear you have designs on my companion. ``

'' Of course I got a hard on ! '' I said, `` Who would n't ? ``

'' 90 seven pct of the adult population, '' she replied, `` Watersports is a minority fetish Mr Allington. ``

'' Right, '' I agreed, `` Well given the choice I would favor the old Thomas Crapper urinal to the animation room floor any day. ``

'' But, given the option of her mouth, my mouthpiece, in my hair, in her hair, Mr Allington ? '' she asked.

'' I, I never gave it a thought, '' I admitted.

'' The freedom to go when the mode takes you, '' she queried.

'' They used to observe chamber potbelly under the bed when my grand dad was a boy, '' I agreed.

'' Not quite my period Mr Allington, '' she conceded, `` But you did n't do, does n't the thought of your piss arcing through the air to soak my attire, my brassiere, my breasts, does that not energize you ? ``

'' I, '' I said.

'' Your lips are tacit yet your cock speaks mass, '' she said delightedly.

'' You do n't like cocks, '' I reminded her.

'' No, but Pippa does, '' she admitted, `` Poor girl she is so delightful yet I can not quite reciprocate, I am not heartless Mr Allington, but neither am I stupid, which is why I keep Pippa on a curtly trey, from her revealing wearable to. ``

'' She 's a captive ? '' I asked.

'' To all intents and purpose, '' she conceded, `` I treat her like a dog. ``

'' Excuse me ? '' I said.

'' I take her for walks in the park, '' she said, `` Have I shocked you, after dark you understand, with the poop scoop. ``

'' Right ? '' I said.

'' She is not allowed to use the lavatory, ever, she just mops up afterwards, '' she explained, `` Like a dog, a bitch. ``

'' And that turns you on ? '' I asked incredulously.

'' Absolutely, and I see I am not alone ! '' she laughed.

I had my handwriting down my jeans, my peter was twisted up with my underpants and it was agony.

'' Mr Allington ! '' she said, `` Please ! ``

'' Look, it 's not what it looks like, '' I said.

'' Masturbating, '' she said, `` Is a rather individualistic activity not readily mistaken for any other. ''

'' I 'm just uncomfortable that 's all, '' I protested.

'' Which is clearly why you are masturbating, '' she declared.

'' look, '' I said, `` You need coats and coats of varnish, racing yacht varnish or something seriously waterproof, '' I explained, `` Not just sealing, you should have explained what you had in brain when you had the place done, I just subbed on the floors. ``

'' Subbed ? '' she said, `` You are hardly a sub Mr Allington. ``

'' Sub contract, strictly Harrisons are liable, '' I explained.

'' No, I paid you directly Mr Allington, '' she explained.

'' That was just a triviality, '' I explained.

'' Which never the less makes you unresistant. '' she pointed out.

'' So. I 'll do the sealing again, '' I said.

'' Which you admit will not cure the problem ? '' she said.

'' No it needs proper waterproofing, '' I told her.

'' How much ? '' she asked.

'' Maybe ten coats, '' I said, `` twenty four 60 minutes to dry between, its nonsensical ! ``

'' I 'll pay for materials, '' she said.

'' Great, '' I said, `` There 's traveling and. ''

'' I 'll pay for petrol, '' she said.

'' No way, '' I insisted.

'' Think about pissing in Pippa 's mouth, '' she said, `` Or mine. ``

'' What ? '' I demanded.

'' I think you understand exactly what I am offering. ``

I stared, you know, a stuck up, upper middle class beef, who would n't need to spend a penny in her fount ? but Pippa, well, to be fair I just wanted to ram my straining cock deep in her sweet pink pussy.

'' I do n't know, '' I said, `` It will be a lot of work. ``

'' And a lot of fun, '' she added, `` And Pippa has n't had any cock for years have you sweetie ? ``

'' No fancy woman, '' Pippa agreed.

'' And you do like cock do n't you ? '' the 'Mistress'asked.

'' I like you fingerbreadth and my plaything Mistress, '' Pippa replied.

'' But she prefers hammer, '' the 'Mistress'confirmed, `` I too have a soft spot for it but as I mentioned a rigid forearm beats a flexible turncock on every bingle level.

'' If we do this, like we need the unscathed room bare, no furniture, it will be about a week after the last coat before you can gamble using it again, twelve hours before you dare even walk on it. ``

'' Oh, '' she said, `` I see. ``

'' But why do n't you have a wet room in the basement, tile the base like a shower, tile the bulwark a bit too, not white but maybe slate Second Earl Grey or something, then you can play there, '' I suggested.

'' Yes, why not indeed, as a temporary meter and for those awing wet night, '' she enthused, `` How much ? ``

I did a bit of mental, `` Well to hold a job we really need to take out the existing, pin in a tissue layer. ``

'' How much ? '' she demanded. I gave her a ball parking lot, `` Really ? and how long ? ``

'' Two days, then you 'll want a pipe fitter to do the shower bath heads or sprinklers, '' I suggested.

'' When can you start. '' she asked.

'' Monday week if I can get the roofing tile, if you 're not fussed vividness Wise it should be loose enough. ''

'' Excellent, '' she agreed, `` email me the final acknowledgment and I am certain we have a raft. Can I get you a glass of something before you go ? '' she asked.

I looked longingly at Pippa as she gently fingered her exposed snatch while she looked longingly at the protuberance in my denim.

'' No, thanks, breathaliser and all that, '' I said apologetically.

'' Good, then I 'll see you out, thank you. '' she said.

'' goodness, yes, '' I said as I stood up, `` auf wiedersehen Pippa, nice to see you, '' I said and she blushed ruby, it was n't what I meant so I expect I blushed as well.

I went through the hallway and the 'Mistress'showed me out through the social movement doorway, `` The market keeper 's entrance is down the whole step to the right, '' she explained, `` goodbye Mr Allington. '' the 'Mistress'said as I went outside.

'' soundly night, '' I said, I nearly said 'Mistress ,'but I did n't and I went back to the Transit with a big smile on my face, I just turned a complaint into two days paid work.

Now that 's a result,

Oh you wanted to pick up about the other stuff, now hang on, I 'm a builder not a crashing pervert !

To be continued