`` What floor ? '' I asked as I looked down from the scaffolding high above Magdelene Street while
answering my cell phone.

'' The waiting area floor, '' a cleaning woman with a plummy accent insisted, `` It 's staining the cap downstairs it really is not upright enough ! ``

'' And where is this ? '' I asked, she told me, it did n't register.

'' Greater London ! '' she said.

'' That was weeks ago ! '' I explained.

'' Well it 's not honorable enough, either you rectify it at no price or I shall sue. ``

'' OK, text me the address, '' I agreed, `` I 'll see what I can do. ``

'' I want rather to a greater extent than a vague promise, '' she said, `` You finish at five, I shall expect you at seven this eve, that should give you time for shower and a cheese Warren Burger. ``

'' That 's rush hour ! '' I protested.

'' Leaving London Darling River, not coming in, seven o'clock or I sue. ``

I did n't have much pick really, so I thew my putz in the old transit at knocking off time and headed round mamma for a bite to eat and a rain shower before hitting the M40 East bound.

The traffic was n't bad, not my way, westbound was like a car ballpark but I went well until past the M25 where it got a bit sticky.

I got round her place around ten to seven, an old fashioned Town house with a few stone's throw up to the presence door and a few down to the basement, probably 1880 ish, bath stone faced to number one floor tier then render, a red brick social system basically thrown up on the cheap.

'' You 're early, '' she said censoriously as she opened the front man door.

'' We aim to please, '' I quipped.

'' well improve your aim, '' she said as she stepped back to allow me into the hall. She looked late 30 acted like XC, snotty bitch.

The kitchen threshold opened, `` mistress, '' a girl 's vocalisation trilled.

'' Not now kitten, '' the woman insisted.

'' But schoolma'am, I have to be, oops ! '' she said.

I stared, she was wearing a maid kit about four size of it too pocket-size, her knocker swelled over the top and it barely reached below her umbilicus which must take in been chilly as she was n't wearing any knickers.

'' Sorry mistress. '' she said.

'' Well close the threshold, and put your eyeballs back in, they 're on stalks ! '' the 'Mistress .'insisted, `` You simply ca n't get the staff. ``

'' But ! '' I said stupidly.

'' Oh wake up and smack the coffee, '' she insisted, `` Really the diminished mindedness of the typical British worker never fails to astound me. ``

'' None of my business dame. '' I agreed, `` Or is that schoolmistress. ``

'' Do n't fight it. '' she said as she locked the outside room access behind me, `` But we are not here to discourse my sexual preference, nor yours for that topic. ``

She led me through to the lounge, strangely the floor was as I left it, sealed tongue and groove clean true pine, it looked fine.

'' What 's the problem ? '' I asked as I noticed a solid odour of disinfectant.

'' It leaks, '' she said, `` It is staining the basement cap. ``

'' What leaks ? '' I asked.

'' The floor, '' she said, `` Leaks, you were instructed to seal off it. ``

'' Not against piddle leaks, '' I explained, `` But the periodic spillage should be fine. ``

'' That is not what we agreed, '' she insisted.

'' I suppose I could give it another coat, '' I offered, `` Why does it smell of antimicrobial ? ``

'' You had skillful see the cellar, '' she said, and she swept past me and led me down the steps from the spacious advanced kitchen to the old cramped kitchen below and through to the store room formerly servants hall beneath the lounge.

The roof was stained brown.

'' Crikey, that 's not urine, '' I said, and I rubbed my finger against the low cap and tasted it, `` That 's, yuck, where does the plumbing go. ``

'' Can you seal it ? '' she asked.

'' No, this is the funky drain, nil to do with me, '' I said.

'' You said Navy SEAL, come upstairs again Mr Allington, '' she said, `` Let me exhibit. ``

She went back to the waiting area, `` Pippa ! '' she said, `` demo our guest the job. ``

'' Mistress ? '' she queried, `` But he 's a man kept woman ? ``

'' Very nearly Pippa, '' she said, `` But show him how you show contrition. ``

'' I ca n't madam. '' she said firmly.

'' I 'll get the cat in a minute, '' the 'Mistress ,'threatened.

My idea boggled, she had done her best but her bosom still bulged from her top and at to the lowest degree the keister couple of inches of her pussy were clearly displayed below the hem of her skirt.

'' No please mistress, '' she pleaded.

'' So do it you stupid person baby, '' she insisted.

I had no idea what was about to happen when quite improbably she squatted down and started to do a wee on the dressed floor.

'' Bleedin'hellhole ! '' I swore, `` No infernal marvel it leaks and stinks, have n't you ever heard of lavatories, Norman Thomas can, Armitage Ware and all that ? ''

'' And in your small bear in mind world have you no knowledge of water sports ? '' she asked.

'' Certainly have, '' I said, `` Surfing at Newquay, Jet Skis, water skiing, but not pissing on the living room floor. ``

'' And it had no force on you at all ? '' she asked.

'' No, '' I lied for my old man had come to life quite painfully if I was honest, stuck down my trouser leg when he needed some blank,

'' Come Mr Allingon, '' she said, `` You have an erecting which would n't dishonour a full produce lapin. ``

'' Hey ? '' I queried, `` What do you mean Rabbit ? ``

'' Precisely, '' she explained, `` I am afraid I much prefer a nice rigid forearm to the transitory clumsiness of the male penis, have I shocked you Mr Allington ? ``

She certainly had, `` No, '' I lied, `` Well pissing on the floor is a bit of a gob smack if I 'm fair. ``

'' She 's very, beloved to me, so I keep her on a shortstop rein, '' the 'Mistress'explained, `` She has a delightfully petite fist. ``

Pippa was smiling coyly at me, `` But she does like cock, '' the schoolmistress said sadly.

'' What exactly as this to do with sealing storey ? '' I asked.

'' Your erecting Cy Young man, '' she explained, `` I fear you have designs on my companion. ``

'' Of course I got a surd on ! '' I said, `` Who would n't ? ``

'' Ninety seven pct of the grownup population, '' she replied, `` Watersports is a minority voodoo Mr Allington. ``

'' Right, '' I agreed, `` Well given the choice I would prefer the old Thomas crapper urinal to the sustenance elbow room floor any day. ``

'' But, given the alternative of her mouth, my mouthpiece, in my haircloth, in her whisker, Mr Allington ? '' she asked.

'' I, I never gave it a thought, '' I admitted.

'' The freedom to go when the modality takes you, '' she queried.

'' They used to keep open chamber potty under the bed when my grand dad was a boy, '' I agreed.

'' Not quite my point Mr Allington, '' she conceded, `` But you did n't answer, does n't the thought of your weewee arcing through the air to soak my attire, my brassiere, my breasts, does that not excite you ? ``

'' I, '' I said.

'' Your brim are silent yet your cock speaks bulk, '' she said delightedly.

'' You do n't like stopcock, '' I reminded her.

'' No, but Pippa does, '' she admitted, `` poor girl she is so delicious yet I can not quite reciprocate, I am not heartless Mr Allington, but neither am I poor fish, which is why I keep Pippa on a unforesightful collar, from her revealing clothing to. ``

'' She 's a prisoner ? '' I asked.

'' To all intents and purposes, '' she conceded, `` I treat her like a dog. ``

'' Excuse me ? '' I said.

'' I take her for walks in the park, '' she said, `` Have I shocked you, after wickedness you understand, with the low-down soap. ``

'' Right ? '' I said.

'' She is not allowed to use the toilet, ever, she just mops up afterwards, '' she explained, `` Like a dog, a bitch. ``

'' And that turns you on ? '' I asked incredulously.

'' Absolutely, and I see I am not alone ! '' she laughed.

I had my manus down my dungaree, my putz was twisted up with my underpants and it was agony.

'' Mr Allington ! '' she said, `` please ! ``

'' feeling, it 's not what it looks like, '' I said.

'' Masturbating, '' she said, `` Is a rather individualistic activity not readily mistaken for any other. ''

'' I 'm just uncomfortable that 's all, '' I protested.

'' Which is clearly why you are masturbating, '' she declared.

'' Look, '' I said, `` You need coats and coat of varnish, yacht varnish or something seriously waterproof, '' I explained, `` Not just sealing, you should have explained what you had in judgment when you had the lieu done, I just subbed on the flooring. ``

'' Subbed ? '' she said, `` You are hardly a sub Mr Allington. ``

'' Sub contract, strictly Harrison are liable, '' I explained.

'' No, I paid you directly Mr Allington, '' she explained.

'' That was just a technicality, '' I explained.

'' Which never the less makes you liable. '' she pointed out.

'' So. I 'll do the waterproofing again, '' I said.

'' Which you admit will not cure the problem ? '' she said.

'' No it needs proper waterproofing, '' I told her.

'' How a great deal ? '' she asked.

'' Maybe ten coats, '' I said, `` twenty four minute to dry between, its ridiculous ! ``

'' I 'll pay for materials, '' she said.

'' Great, '' I said, `` There 's travelling and. ''

'' I 'll pay for gas, '' she said.

'' No way, '' I insisted.

'' Think about pissing in Pippa 's mouth, '' she said, `` Or mine. ``

'' What ? '' I demanded.

'' I think you understand exactly what I am offering. ``

I stared, you know, a stuck up, upper berth middle class bitch, who would n't need to wee in her face ? but Pippa, well, to be fair I just wanted to ram my straining pecker deep in her sweet rap pussy.

'' I do n't know, '' I said, `` It will be a lot of work. ``

'' And a lot of fun, '' she added, `` And Pippa has n't had any cock for long time have you sweetie ? ``

'' No Mistress, '' Pippa agreed.

'' And you do like cock do n't you ? '' the 'Mistress'asked.

'' I like you digit and my toys Mistress, '' Pippa replied.

'' But she prefers dick, '' the 'Mistress'confirmed, `` I too have a soft blot for it but as I mentioned a rigid forearm beats a flexible cock on every one level.

'' If we do this, like we need the all elbow room bare, no furniture, it will be about a week after the last coat before you can risk using it again, twelve 60 minutes before you dare even walk on it. ``

'' Oh, '' she said, `` I see. ``

'' But why do n't you have a wet room in the basement, tile the floor like a shower bath, tile the walls a bit too, not Andrew D. White but maybe ticket grey or something, then you can diddle there, '' I suggested.

'' Yes, why not indeed, as a temporary measure and for those awed wet dark, '' she enthused, `` How much ? ``

I did a bit of mental, `` Well to make a job we really involve to take out the existing, control stick in a membrane. ``

'' How a great deal ? '' she demanded. I gave her a ball park, `` Really ? and how long ? ``

'' Two days, then you 'll postulate a plumber to do the shower bath heads or sprinklers, '' I suggested.

'' When can you start. '' she asked.

'' Monday week if I can get the tile, if you 're not fussed colour wise it should be light enough. ''

'' Excellent, '' she agreed, `` e-mail me the final quotation and I am sure as shooting we have a mess. Can I get you a glass of something before you go ? '' she asked.

I looked longingly at Pippa as she gently fingered her exposed cunt while she looked longingly at the bulge in my jeans.

'' No, thanks, breathaliser and all that, '' I said apologetically.

'' trade good, then I 'll see you out, thank you. '' she said.

'' trade good, yes, '' I said as I stood up, `` au revoir Pippa, nice to see you, '' I said and she blushed deep red, it was n't what I meant so I expect I blushed as well.

I went through the hallway and the 'Mistress'showed me out through the nominal head door, `` The tradesman 's entree is down the steps to the right, '' she explained, `` Goodbye Mr Allington. '' the 'Mistress'said as I went outside.

'' Good night, '' I said, I nearly said 'Mistress ,'but I did n't and I went back to the Transit with a big smile on my face, I just turned a complaint into two daylight paid work.

Now that 's a resultant,

Oh you wanted to see about the former clobber, now hang on, I 'm a builder not a bloody degenerate !

To be continued