Anna was going to stay with me for a calendar month, but that calendar month turned into two. Then three. Now the new year was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not care, of course, as I was madly in love with her, but the uncertainty had consumed me. Was she a roommate ? supporter ? Lover ? More ?

The sentence to have"the talking"was that 1st week, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few More multiplication, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the details of our human relationship. Anna did not appear to mind - she clearly did not want it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the windowpane closed. She met Baron Clive at a trade sports meeting in early on November. They went on a escort. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no longer sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come menage a few nights a week. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say things like,"God, you're such a great guy. You deserve to suffer someone."It killed me. I DID merit it, she was right-hand. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Baron Clive of Plassey. Fucking Clive.

By December she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her hubby and finding her own lieu in the new year. She was very clear-cut that she felt like she was a burden to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as clear that I didn't care. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a crack at Christmas. Baron Clive was going to his parent's home in Colorado River. Anna was driving to meet him on Dec. 26, but she had no programme for Yuletide day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had nothing to do. I suggested we stay in and drink wine and watch TV. She agreed.

I knew the gift I got her was important. I mean, just getting her a present was not enough. I needed a affirmation. There's a difference of opinion between a admirer endowment and a devotee gift. I wanted to get her a buff gift. I wanted a fucking substance to be sent in big, bluff, Washington, thank-the-baby-Jesus letters. No question. No confusion.

I got her a yoke of diamond earrings. It was the kind of affair she'd never get herself. I wrote a speech, too. I had facts on how longsighted it takes a baseball field to be formed, and how caution and precision and portion had to be exactly right for it to happen. It was a miracle, really. And just as providential, I segued, was how much she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for most of my life, and I wanted to show her how special she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my sac, in character I stumbled. It was my moment. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in lawsuit, you know, I got a guard endowment : warm socks.

So on Christmas day, we were finished with bottle two. She got that happy-kid grin on her brass and said she had gotten me a present. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was giddy. I grabbed her two natural endowment and put them behind my back, under the cushion, almost certain I would present her the fan talent, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in caseful, I put the socks back there, too.

Five minutes later, she came back to the living room, tears streaking down her face. Baron Clive of Plassey had hidden a footling wrapped box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a dyad of lovely diamond earrings. She glided around the way, calling him on her cadre to tell him how much she loved them. I swallowed my lingua. FUCKING CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 endowment card to GameStop. I gave her the drogue. I had lost the fight, the battle and the war.

***

I had very specific architectural plan for New Year's Eve : I was going to tope heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the hard liquor store and bought a one-fifth of vodka. As I was about to check out, I looked at the 70-proof bottle of garish hooch and though,"Hmm, is this enough ?"I bought two. And I don't even drink vodka.

I really wanted to black out before Ryan Seacrest showed his nooky tanned font on the cover. Robert Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. Blonde hair. Highlights. short. perfective grin. Extremely skillful and genteel and bewitch and amusing. He had always been scented to me. A substantial gentleman, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a boastfully methamphetamine of liquid state poisonous substance. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing alcoholic beverage. Still, I had a destructive streak that was pointing right at my liver and breadbasket. I tried to ignore the feeling and took a big gulp.

My esophagus was still burning when my electric cell rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"Hello ?"

"Is this a bad time ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her voice cracked. I could secernate she was choking back tears."I, uh. Are you home ? Are you out ?"

"I'm domicile. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … pick me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Baron Clive of Plassey he, uh … we had a fight. You know ? I just want to get home and I left my debit card at home and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. smell, it's aplomb. Where are you ? I will leave now."

***

Anna did not talk much on the way home, just a few thank yous. By the fourth dimension we got back to the apartment, it was a little after 10. She looked stunning, even with her makeup running down her cheeks. Her tight gullible wearing apparel hugged her curves. I felt underdressed, what with my dungaree and a t-shirt.

She went back to her way, only to reemerge a little before 12. Her whisker was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a loaded T. I wanted to kiss her. It was the turnout she wore the moment nighttime we were together.

She sat down beside me on the couch. She had a wine spyglass in her hand and motioned toward my nursing bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her methamphetamine up and sank back, her feet curled under her. Her centre were red, but she was no longsighted crying.

"Do you want to verbalise ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a fucking idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"First my husband, now Baron Clive. I must have a extra attraction to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in Centennial State over the weekend … but his wife. She called when he was in the bathroom, and I picked up his prison cell. She was as surprised to witness out about me as I was to found out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the nerve to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her drinking, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the thing is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lying snake. I sensed it. I tried to block it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something phony. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. Sort of stared. Then a snort. Then a full laugh. I started laughing, too. She spilt a little of her drink on herself and laughed more. We were both doubled over.

"God,"she said, wiping the tears away."You are right-hand. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an idiot. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. wait, you WANT to love person. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad affair. There are worse qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on hope and destiny and all that other poof tale stuff and nonsense. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be happy and to want the best in others. We live in a cynical globe. We need more ‘ you,'LE ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her head on my articulatio humeri."You are a commodity friend,"she said. My heart sank. I was such a sucker. It was five till midnight.

We watched clock time foursquare on TV in silence, Anna taking the occasional sip from her wine glass. Her brain stayed on my shoulder. We watched the countdown, the glad faces screech and yelling. When the clock ticked one second, Anna turned and gently grabbed my school principal, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but nothing was like this. It was sweet and docile and packed with signification. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her hand caressing my cheek. She put down her wine chalk and started to move, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the room."No. No."

"What's wrong ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? Kiss you ? I thought you liked that ? We're friends. It's OK …"

"FUCK Anna. We are NOT Friend. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to know I love you, right ? I mean, you are a smart fille. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're friend. I can't admit it."

rent were in her eyes again. I couldn't look at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Robert Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want someone to bang you and address you right-hand and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her helping hand through her tomentum and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not sustain a gaze. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you love me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"Fuck, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't start now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would have no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the sofa. I folded my hands across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to lose me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my life, but I can't sit back and spotter you date guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your problems. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can sacrifice you what you want. And I can't sit back and follow this parade of losers. I can't be your safety net."

"I know."

I covered my eyes with my hired hand, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nose in eighth class. I brushed the pilus back, off my brow. It felt lumbering in the room.

"I am sorry to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my hand again. She pulled it to her chest, against her heart. I turned to look at her."Kiss me,"she said."Kiss me. Let's figure of speech the residue out later. I promise. I want this. Please ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a fixer. She hated pain sensation in people. I wasn't certain if this was substantial or her way of healing a combat injury. But I was rickety. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex deal, but I am not certain I had ever made dear to someone. I had never connected with individual on a key level. But I did with Anna that Night. It was gentle and raw and excited. On my couch. As Ryan Seacrest wheel spoke in the background.

I stripped her clothes off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my cock as I wrapped her legs around me. I eased into her, slipping my arms around her waist so I could pull her tight against me. It was the starting time sentence I had been completely inside of her. I tried to make the consequence last.

Our soundbox responded to each early. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her lips never left mine. I could smack the salt from her tears on her lips. Her tongue was aggressive but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my back and kissed me backbreaking. She said my name and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the birth control pill. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my chief back so I could see her middle. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A grin of recognition. I kissed her as I came, my cock exploding into the abysm of happiness and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my lounge, wrapped in a blanket. Her stage wrapped around mine, her forefront on my dresser and her fingers playfully running through my hair.

"I think this change everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able to seem at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few seconds later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my mind raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .