Nozzer's beginning Gay sex.

It's humour not hard substance.

We was down the Flying sawhorse sinking a few bevvies. We'd been down the match looking for a few away supporters to prompt them that their team may be better at kicking balls but we was better at kicking bollocks if you see what I mean.

Nozzer weren't on form. He kept gasping for breath and sweating and that. I figured he been on the curry again, anyway there we was sinking a few Frank Philip Stella's ( Artois ).

I got a round in, It was getting late, sept was leaving."hold the modification,"I says.

"What change you owe another ten British pound fifty,"the know it all manager shouts earning himself a good kicking the next nighttime rainy night.

I paid up, and staggered back to us table with nine pint and a packet of pork scratchings.

Sandra the barmaid came over to flash her titty, she made out she was collecting empties but you could see the ruby in her belly button down her cleavage, could have seen her vajazzle as well if she hadn't put on a bit of weight recently.

"What you do'in'after lads ?"she says,"Only we thought about a curl in if you're up for it ?"

"Don't know,"I says,"Washing me hair maybe, and there's summat good on telly."

"What's that then Chalky ?"Rocket Ron asks.

"There's got to be summat near with sixty bloody channel,"I says reasonably.

Nozzer looked at his dry pint. It was odd he usually just sank them."What's up Noz ?"Gasser asks.

"Got a bad gut,"he says.

"Needs a bit of how's yer father to loosen it up."Mikey suggested.

"pauperism summat,"Nozzer agreed.

Now poor people old Nozzer couldn't hold his beer. Ten pints was his lot and even then he wobbled all over the road when he rode his motorbike.



"That's how nance started,"I said,"Some poor bastard couldn't shit so his mate buggered him to undo it up."

"You offering Chalk ?"Nozzer said.

"No way, but I reckon one of that lot would oblige."I says pointing to the lounge bar where several sharply primp blokes was sat round. I knew one of them, Peter"Nigel"Mansell

"I'll try anything Chalk,"Nozzer said through a haze of booze fume,"Anything."

I went into the sofa, They was all there, gay as fuck, all sharp suits and that. One had a dress on. lovely shadowiness of pink, pity he hadn't had a shave for a week.

I sidled up to, Nigel."Here my mate fancies you,"I says all friendly like like I was chatting up some girl.

"Oh really,"he says,"And who are you, vice pope Eric or the Prince of giant ?"

"Nah straight up Nige,"I says,"He gets a bit loose tongued when he's pissed, said he dreams about your big manly cock up his arse."

"My what ?"he says.

"well it used to be remember ?"I said,"When you used to get a hard on in the showers ?"

"Oh,"he said,"well what did you carry all those slippery well modulate masculine body just ripe for rogering."

"Anyway old Nozzer fancies batting for your face or at least having a trial,"I says.

He stared me rightfield in the eye,"And what may I ask, Mr Chalk, is in it for you ?"

"I'll photographic film it on me speech sound, trade it to Pornhub as Nozzer get's his virgin ass busted,"I offers.

"I want 50 %"says Nige,"When we has the lock in."

"forty / sixty"I says.

"No, I'm happy with one-half,"he says. Sarky sod.

I wanders back to me seat and tells Nozzer,"Turns out Nige fancies you so its all set up for ringlet in."

"Taa Chalky, I owes you one."he says.

Lock in started around Eleven, Sandra locks and bolted the door, hung her knickers on the door knob and started selling durex at ten quid a stroke before she sat on the billiard mesa, legs disperse wide of the mark and started wanking with a bottle of Newcastle-upon-Tyne brownness. Newcastle Brown I ask you ! No class that bint, she had empty Champagne-Ardenne feeding bottle and Frank Stella, even Coke but no she had to use Newcastle Brown. Still it contrasted nicely with her bright pink pussy lips.

affair was she had no takers ‘ causa everyone was watching Nozzer and Nige. Half the blokes had their speech sound out and the other lot, them what batted for the former side, had their cocks out wanking.

Nozzer had his pant down as he bent over the Billiard Table, don't know why he bothered as you could see his ass hole down his bum segmentation when he bent over, but there he was 46"shank Saint Matthew the Apostle and M & S Wye fronts brush up his ankles while Nige hauled his cock out and slipped on a Durex, it were quite a nice shade of honey oil if I remember right. He had a right fuckup. Mine would induce turned inside out and done a runner if I had even thought of bumming Nozzer but Nozzer certainly turned Nige on.

someone splashed some lubricating substance over Nige's stopcock, I say lube, it might have been gear case oil or washing up liquidity for all I know.

Then it was down to business enterprise, the tip of Nige's glistening, straining leafy vegetable shroud member eased into Nozzer's puckered virgin asshole.

Nige beamed with the pleasure of the tight porta slowly easing open from the business firm imperativeness of his rampant fellow member, he pressed relaxed and pressed again, he gripped Nozzer firmly around the waist for more purchase and grunted with the drive. drop of sweat broke out on his brow and dripped down onto Nozzers back.

Nozzer's cock hung down like a shrivelled turnip. The turncock in his ass felt upright, he just wanted it further in.

Nige pulled back for another go, this clock time he slid in a lot leisurely, he was enjoying himself, all the way out so the tip almost slipped out, then all the way right back in.

"Oh,"Nige gasped, He worried he was about to cum too quick.

"Orrggg,"Nozzer moaned as he worried he was about to chuck up ten dry pint of Stella and a Chicken Vindaloo.

Then it happened, Nige poke in but something was pushing back. His feet began to slip. His cock was sliding out instead of in.

"What the ?"he asked rhetorically. It was the stuff of nightmares. Hs cock was being unceremoniously shoved out of Nozzer's arse by the dreaded dogshit python.

"For screwing sake !"Nige squealed as he recoiled, tripped over his pants and landed on his back.

The python stuck its brown headspring out of Nozzer's ass and kept coming, just a solid shaft of shit oozing from his tight puckered ass fix.

"Wow man that's hit the bit, '' Nozzer says, as the genuine giant shit python slithered from his ass and curled up stinking on the floor like a big brown snake coiled up gear up to come across."That's what I needed man, that's ace. ``

poor old Nige was in evaporate down."Saviour !"he said,"Oh my god !"

Sandra took ruth on him she expertly peeled off his rubber using an inside out bag like picking up dog shit.

"Oh misfortunate Nige,"she says. She helped him to stand up and kissed him on the noggin,"Come to Mummy."

Nige was crying, he was totally freaked out. Sandra held him, then in a flash of inspiration, she popped her left tit out for Nige to suck on.

"Never idea momma loves you,"she said as Nige tucked into her tit.

"Mummy has a limited front ass so you can know her without getting shit under your foreskin,"Sandra husked.

Nozzer was looking for bog roll. Sandra was ordering no one in especial to cleanse the doodly-squat up, and Nige was getting an hard-on again.

"Want to put your big thingy in Mummy's nice social movement bottom ?"Sandra asked in a stupid voice.

Nige was just confused as Sandra slipped a fresh durex on Nige's tool. She eased around and bent grass over the boundary of the snooker tabular array and reaching between her legs she guided the tip of Nige 's rapidly swelling shaft towards her pussy. Nige eased into the unfamiliar warm slippery cavern. It seemed odd that there was so little resistivity, but it felt quite pleasant when Sandra started milking his cock with well practised cunt muscles.

Nige had barely started when he started to shoot his load.

Nozzer was ecstatic."Man that was the safe darn ever !"He declared loudly to anyone who would listen,"I reckon I might turn gay me self if its that respectable,"he added drunkenly.

"You really are gross,"Algenon exclaimed.

"You ent supposed to stool,"Tommy Hunt says reasonably.

"Right,"says Nozzer,"So why did Chalky say to do it ?"

"Taking the piss mate,"Tommy explained.

"You bastards,"says Nige as he pulls out of Sandra with his prophylactic full of tinder and his face absolutely white,"Oh my god that was so awful."

"What fucking me ?"Sandra asked.

"No him shitting at me, I need therapy !"he replied.

"You need a girlfriend mate,"Sandra said,"That's twenty five British pound sterling by the way."

"Ghogof hebdomad,"I says,"spring her one get one free."

Sandra scowled,"No need to take the piss."

Not the most sensitive of answers anyway it set Nige off again. I was going to remind her that a tenner was the common charge.

Sandra held Nige tenderly and succeeding bloody thing he was riding her bareback with her sat on the snooker tabular array and her foundation on his shoulders. Really going for it and all.

Nige's spouse were staring in disbelief, they couldn't get their heads around it. Nige fucking a bird. I forgot to film it, couldn't have flogged the footage where he didn't rubber up any road, so we all had a few Thomas More bevvies and went home. Except Nige and Sandra that is, seems they stopped up all dark talking about fashion and cleaning lady's stuff.

So that was it. Nige needed therapy, every time he saw an ass hole he imagined a shucks python emerging and it put him right off. Then again Sandra mad a decent few quid out of Nige and every gay bloke in Lancashire was warned what happened when Nige fucked Nozzer.

See. I was right, a bit of anal cured his constipation .