Anna was going to stay with me for a month, but that month turned into two. Then three. Now the new year was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not care, of course, as I was madly in love with her, but the doubt had consumed me. Was she a roommate ? supporter ? Lover ? to a greater extent ?

The time to have"the talk"was that commencement week, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few to a greater extent meter, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the point of our human relationship. Anna did not seem to mind - she clearly did not desire it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the window closed. She met Clive at a swap meet in ahead of time Nov. They went on a date. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no long sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come home a few nights a calendar week. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say things like,"God, you're such a groovy guy. You deserve to cope with someone."It killed me. I DID deserve it, she was right. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Clive. Fucking Clive.

By December she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her husband and finding her own situation in the new year. She was very decipherable that she felt like she was a burden to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as unclutter that I didn't guardianship. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a gibe at Christmas. Clive was going to his parent's home base in Centennial State. Anna was driving to meet him on Dec. 26, but she had no plans for Christmas day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had zip to do. I suggested we stay in and drink wine-colored and watch TV. She agreed.

I knew the giving I got her was crucial. I mean, just getting her a present was not enough. I needed a statement. There's a difference between a champion endowment and a buff endowment. I wanted to get her a lover gift. I wanted a fucking message to be sent in big, bluff, uppercase, thank-the-baby-Jesus letter. No dubiousness. No confusion.

I got her a pair of rhombus earrings. It was the kind of thing she'd never get herself. I wrote a speech, too. I had facts on how long it takes a rhomb to be formed, and how care and precision and luck had to be exactly right for it to bump. It was a miracle, really. And just as miraculous, I segued, was how much she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for most of my liveliness, and I wanted to picture her how extra she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my pocket, in display case I stumbled. It was my moment. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in guinea pig, you know, I got a rubber giving : Warm socks.

So on Yule day, we were finished with nursing bottle two. She got that happy-kid grin on her face and said she had gotten me a represent. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was empty-headed. I grabbed her two gift and put them behind my back, under the cushion, almost certain I would give her the lover endowment, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in case, I put the socks back there, too.

five minutes later, she came back to the living room, tears streaking down her boldness. Robert Clive had hidden a small wrapped box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a dyad of lovely diamond earrings. She glided around the elbow room, calling him on her cellular phone to separate him how much she loved them. I swallowed my tongue. nookie CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 gift notice to GameStop. I gave her the socks. I had lost the scrap, the struggle and the war.

***

I had very specific design for New twelvemonth's Eve : I was going to drink heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the liquor store and bought a one-fifth of vodka. As I was about to moderate out, I looked at the 70-proof bottle of meretricious hooch and though,"Hmm, is this decent ?"I bought two. And I don't even wassail vodka.

I really wanted to black out before Ryan Seacrest showed his fucking tanned face on the screen. Baron Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. blond hair's-breadth. Highlights. short. perfective tense smile. Extremely nice and civil and charming and peculiar. He had always been fresh to me. A real man, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a large spyglass of liquid state poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing inebriant. Still, I had a destructive streak that was pointing right at my liver and belly. I tried to ignore the smell and took a big gulp.

My oesophagus was still burning when my cell rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"Hello ?"

"Is this a bad time ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her articulation cracked. I could tell she was choking back tears."I, uh. Are you abode ? Are you out ?"

"I'm home. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … find fault me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Clive he, uh … we had a engagement. You know ? I just need to get abode and I left my debit lineup at house and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. Look, it's cool. Where are you ? I will leave now."

***

Anna did not talk much on the way dwelling, just a few thank yous. By the time we got back to the flat, it was a little after 10. She looked stunning, even with her war paint running down her cheeks. Her sozzled green dress hugged her curves. I felt underdressed, what with my dungaree and a t-shirt.

She went back to her room, only to reemerge a little before 12. Her hair's-breadth was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a tight T. I wanted to buss her. It was the outfit she wore the indorse night we were together.

She sat down beside me on the couch. She had a vino glass in her bridge player and motioned toward my bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her glass up and sank back, her feet curled under her. Her eyes were red, but she was no longer crying.

"Do you want to talk ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a fucking idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"First my husband, now Baron Clive of Plassey. I must consume a especial attraction to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in Colorado over the weekend … but his married woman. She called when he was in the lav, and I picked up his cell. She was as surprised to retrieve out about me as I was to see out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the mettle to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her drink, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the affair is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lying snake. I sensed it. I tried to block it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something phony. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. Sort of stared. Then a snort. Then a wide-cut laugh. I started laughing, too. She spilt a piffling of her crapulence on herself and laughed Thomas More. We were both double up over.

"God,"she said, wiping the tears away."You are correctly. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an idiot. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. face, you WANT to love someone. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad things. There are spoilt qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on promise and destiny and all that former fairy tale stuff and nonsense. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be happy and to require the in effect in others. We live in a cynical Earth. We need more ‘ you,'less ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her head on my berm."You are a practiced protagonist,"she said. My heart sank. I was such a all-day sucker. It was five till midnight.

We watched sentence square on TV in silence, Anna taking the occasional sip from her wine glass. Her head stayed on my shoulder. We watched the countdown, the happy faces screaming and yelling. When the clock ticked one second, Anna turned and gently grabbed my foreland, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but zilch was like this. It was sweet and gentle and jam-packed with significance. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her hand caressing my impertinence. She put down her wine field glass and started to propel, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the room."No. No."

"What's wrong ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? kiss you ? I thought you liked that ? We're friends. It's OK …"

"FUCK Anna. We are NOT friends. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to have sex I love you, right ? I mean, you are a smart girl. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're friends. I can't choose it."

split were in her eyes again. I couldn't look at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Baron Clive of Plassey and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want someone to know you and care for you right and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her mitt through her hair's-breadth and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not sustain a gaze. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you love me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"Fuck, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't first now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would have no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the couch. I folded my hands across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to drop off me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my biography, but I can't sit back and watch you date guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your problem. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can give you what you want. And I can't sit back and watch this parade of losers. I can't be your condom net."

"I know."

I covered my heart with my hired man, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nose in eighth grade. I brushed the hair back, off my forehead. It felt heavy in the room.

"I am meritless to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my manus again. She pulled it to her chest, against her heart. I turned to look at her."kiss me,"she said."buss me. Let's chassis the repose out later. I promise. I want this. please ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a fixer. She hated pain in the great unwashed. I wasn't sure if this was real or her way of healing a wound. But I was weak. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex lots, but I am not indisputable I had ever made love to person. I had never connected with somebody on a primeval level. But I did with Anna that night. It was gentle and raw and worked up. On my lounge. As Ryan Seacrest spoke in the background.

I stripped her clothes off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my cock as I wrapped her leg around me. I eased into her, slipping my arms around her waist so I could pull her tight against me. It was the for the first time sentence I had been completely inside of her. I tried to prepare the moment last.

Our physical structure responded to each other. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her brim never left mine. I could taste the salt from her tear on her backtalk. Her tongue was aggressive but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my back and kissed me hard. She said my name and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the pill. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my head back so I could see her eyes. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A grinning of acknowledgment. I kissed her as I came, my cock exploding into the abyss of happiness and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my couch, wrapped in a blanket. Her legs wrapped around mine, her question on my chest and her finger playfully running through my hair.

"I think this change everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able to appear at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few sec later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my mind raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .