Anna was going to stay with me for a month, but that month turned into two. Then three. Now the new yr was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not care, of course, as I was madly in lovemaking with her, but the uncertainty had consumed me. Was she a roommate ? supporter ? buff ? More ?

The sentence to consume"the talk"was that showtime workweek, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few more times, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the details of our relationship. Anna did not seem to mind - she clearly did not want it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the window closed. She met Clive at a swap meet in early on November. They went on a escort. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no longer sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come home base a few Night a week. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say affair like,"God, you're such a great guy. You deserve to gather someone."It killed me. I DID deserve it, she was right on. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Clive. Fucking Clive.

By December she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her married man and finding her own place in the new twelvemonth. She was very clear that she felt like she was a load to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as unmortgaged that I didn't care. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a shot at Christmas Day. Clive was going to his parent's dwelling house in Colorado. Anna was driving to adjoin him on Dec. 26, but she had no plans for Christmas day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had null to do. I suggested we stay in and tope wine-colored and watch TV. She agreed.

I knew the natural endowment I got her was important. I mean, just getting her a nowadays was not enough. I needed a statement. There's a difference between a booster endowment and a buff gift. I wanted to get her a lover gift. I wanted a bally substance to be sent in big, bold, capital letter, thank-the-baby-Jesus letters. No dubiety. No confusion.

I got her a couple of diamond earrings. It was the kind of thing she'd never get herself. I wrote a speech, too. I had facts on how foresighted it takes a diamond to be formed, and how care and precision and destiny had to be exactly right for it to happen. It was a miracle, really. And just as miraculous, I segued, was how much she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for most of my life, and I wanted to show her how special she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my scoop, in case I stumbled. It was my moment. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in case, you know, I got a safety talent : Warm socks.

So on Noel day, we were finished with bottle two. She got that happy-kid grin on her brass and said she had gotten me a present. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was silly. I grabbed her two giving and put them behind my back, under the cushion, almost certain I would give her the lover talent, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in case, I put the socks back there, too.

V minute of arc later, she came back to the living room, tears streaking down her cheek. Clive had hidden a lilliputian wrapped box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a couplet of lovely diamond earrings. She glided around the room, calling him on her cellular phone to distinguish him how practically she loved them. I swallowed my tongue. FUCKING CLIVE.

I opened my natural endowment : A $ 40 talent card to GameStop. I gave her the socks. I had lost the conflict, the fight and the war.

***

I had very specific plans for New year's Eve : I was going to fuddle heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the liquor store and bought a fifth of vodka. As I was about to see to it out, I looked at the 70-proof bottle of bum hooch and though,"Hmm, is this decent ?"I bought two. And I don't even drink vodka.

I really wanted to Black person out before Ryan Seacrest showed his fuck tanned grimace on the screen. Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. Blonde whisker. Highlights. Short. Perfect smile. Extremely Nice and polite and charming and mirthful. He had always been mellifluous to me. A existent valet de chambre, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a big glass of liquid poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing inebriant. Still, I had a destructive streak that was pointing right at my liver and abdomen. I tried to ignore the olfactory property and took a big gulp.

My gullet was still burning when my prison cell rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"hello ?"

"Is this a bad time ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her interpreter cracked. I could tell she was choking back tears."I, uh. Are you home ? Are you out ?"

"I'm dwelling. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … cull me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Clive he, uh … we had a fight. You know ? I just necessitate to get home and I left my debit carte at home and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. Look, it's assuredness. Where are you ? I will leave now."

***

Anna did not talk much on the way plate, just a few thank yous. By the fourth dimension we got back to the apartment, it was a little after 10. She looked stunning, even with her composition running down her face. Her tight common dress hugged her curves. I felt underdressed, what with my blue jean and a t-shirt.

She went back to her way, only to reemerge a small before 12. Her hair was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a closely T. I wanted to kiss her. It was the outfit she wore the sec night we were together.

She sat down beside me on the couch. She had a wine glass in her hand and motioned toward my bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her glass up and sank back, her invertebrate foot curled under her. Her middle were red, but she was no longer crying.

"Do you want to mouth ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a fucking idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"First my married man, now Clive. I must let a exceptional attractive force to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in Colorado over the weekend … but his wife. She called when he was in the bathroom, and I picked up his cell. She was as surprise to regain out about me as I was to bump out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the brass to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the social club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her drunkenness, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the thing is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a dwell snake in the grass. I sensed it. I tried to block it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something phony. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. Sort of stared. Then a snort. Then a full jape. I started laughing, too. She spilt a little of her drink on herself and laughed More. We were both reduplicate over.

"God,"she said, wiping the weeping away."You are right. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an idiot. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. take care, you WANT to do it someone. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad things. There are worse qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on Bob Hope and lot and all that other queen tale material. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be happy and to desire the best in others. We live in a cynical humanity. We need to a greater extent ‘ you,'LE ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her head on my shoulder joint."You are a good Friend,"she said. My heart sank. I was such a lollipop. It was five boulder clay midnight.

We watched prison term second power on TV in muteness, Anna taking the occasional sip from her vino glass. Her head stayed on my shoulder. We watched the countdown, the happy faces screeching and shouting. When the clock ticked one s, Anna turned and gently grabbed my head, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but cypher was like this. It was angelical and aristocratic and packed with meaning. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her handwriting caressing my cheek. She put down her wine glass and started to move, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the room."No. No."

"What's awry ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? buss you ? I thought you liked that ? We're booster. It's OK …"

"piece of ass Anna. We are NOT friends. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to have intercourse I love you, right ? I mean, you are a ache young woman. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're friends. I can't acquire it."

weeping were in her eyes again. I couldn't flavour at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want someone to have it away you and process you flop and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her hired hand through her hair and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not sustain a gaze. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you have it off me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"Fuck, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't start now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would give no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the sofa. I folded my hands across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to misplace me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my aliveness, but I can't sit back and watch you escort guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your job. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can present you what you want. And I can't sit back and take in this parade of losers. I can't be your safety net."

"I know."

I covered my eyes with my script, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nose in one-eighth ground level. I brushed the hair back, off my brow. It felt sonorous in the room.

"I am sorry to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my handwriting again. She pulled it to her pectus, against her middle. I turned to calculate at her."buss me,"she said."kiss me. Let's figure the remainder out later. I promise. I want this. delight ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a fixer. She hated pain sensation in people. I wasn't sure if this was very or her way of healing a wound. But I was weak. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex great deal, but I am not sure I had ever made honey to someone. I had never connected with soul on a primal level. But I did with Anna that night. It was conciliate and raw and emotional. On my couch. As Ryan Seacrest spoke in the background.

I stripped her clothes off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my cock as I wrapped her leg around me. I eased into her, slipping my arms around her waist so I could attract her tight against me. It was the first time I had been completely inside of her. I tried to ca-ca the instant last.

Our trunk responded to each other. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her brim never left mine. I could sample the salt from her tears on her lips. Her lingua was aggressive but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my dorsum and kissed me hard. She said my name and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the pill. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my head back so I could see her centre. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A grin of recognition. I kissed her as I came, my peter exploding into the abyss of felicity and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my couch, wrapped in a blanket. Her legs wrapped around mine, her head on my breast and her fingerbreadth playfully running through my hair.

"I think this change everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able to see at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few seconds later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my intellect raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .