My First Lesbian Experience

It was late. It was raining. And drab. And cold.

The sound of the folk chemical group wafted down the street from the Flying Horse as I nibbled at something that might once have been a cod before it was cremated and sealed in cardboard flavoured yellow concrete and stuffed in newspaper with gash of raw potato.

I opened the pub door as the northerly chow premier ( and only ) Lesbian anti pedophile band Boris and the Pedos sang.
"String the buggers up"
"String the buggers up"
"There's nothing as vile as a pedophile, so string the buggers up !"An interview of three skin pass and an old old codger who mistook it for dominos night sat there bored out their skulls.

"All right Johnno ?"Boris the track singer shouted as her band rested between numbers.

Nearly bald, five five over twenty Lucy Stone, squeezed into surplus large jean three sizing too small with a leather crown what had probably been old when the first world war was on she was the sort of butch lesbian who got butch lesbians a bad name.

Mind you the way she liked fucking convicted pedos up the ass with a sledge hammer handgrip made me marvel whether she actually was a lesso. She had cracking bass baritone voice though, compassion she was flavour deaf.

"Not so bad, how's it going ?"I asked.

"Not so bad,"she said,"Any favourite ?"

"Bit of poetry ?"I suggested,"The gallows tree ?"

"Sit thee down, and residue awhile."
"And watch the lonely pedophile."I started

"As swaying gently in the breeze, he dangles from the gallows tree !"she finished, ah that's poetry.

"You can't bring food in here,"Sandra the barmaid shouted.

"Its from the shish kebab shop, I don't reckon it counts as nutrient,"I moaned.

"Them fucking cunt hates us,"Harley Charlie, the moped riding head skinhead announced,"They ought to lie with off back where the come from."

"Where fucking Oldham ?"his mate asked.

"Who gives a fuck, LET have a sing Sung dynasty, that old one,"he said drunkenly,"White cliff of Dover !"

"We'll chuck Pedos over, the White cliff of capital of Delaware, tomorrow just you wait and see."

"We'll get all them bastards and chuck the respite over after,"I suggested,"Then we'll be fucking Pedo absolve !"

"You got the row Johnno ?"Boris asked.

"No I just fucking made it up, Redeemer fucking christ."I replied.

"shuffling a crack record,"Charlie said, and he stood up,"pauperism a shit, get the drinks in Nobber."

"Why the shag do I always get to get the drinks in ?"Nobber asked.

"‘ Cause your on benefits, no one else got any Johnny Cash ?"I suggested.

"shtup severely body of work, welfare, having to remember to fucking limp."Nobber said, but no one gave a fuck.

"What you having Johnno ?"Sandra asked.

"Anal ?"I suggested.

"To toast not later you filthy bastard !"Sandra retorted and Boris flashed me a pitch blackness look, she must take in thought she had pulled.

"rat piss,"I said.

"You can have one Stella ‘ cause I know what your like after a few pint eh Mr diskette !"Sandra laughed.

"All fucking right, it was only once."I stammered as me face went hopeful red,"Ever ready me."

"Fuck anything anything any time ?"whoremaster Hunt the bookmaker from Matson street walked out the bog and started taunting me. Hunt the Cunt as we called him.

"Long as its over 18, and has a slit and a heart rate,"I protested.

"Like a cow ?"he laughed.

"Technically they has a foyer not a cunt,"I said using my Lake Superior intellect gained from watching pointless fucking game shows and like crap on pointless screw daytime TV.

"Her then,"he said pointing at Boris.

"Fuck off she's a fucking Lesso."I said supportively.

"Fifty quid says you can't."He suggested.

"Fifty quid each ?"Boris asked.

"Two hundred, make it five !"hunt club the cunt taunted.

"Jesus of Nazareth,"Boris said,"I could use a few quid pro quo as it happens."

"Oh for fucks sake,"William Holman Hunt sighed,"I was taking the piss."

"We heard,"Harley Charlie chuckled,"What you reckon Johnno ?"

"Yeah, why not, I'm up for it."I lied. the Nazarene it would be halfway to turning fucking gay. Fucking a fat bald geezer even if it did hold a cunt somewhere under the ugly great flexure of belly skin.

"This I just got to see !"Sandra said. What I didn't know was she texted all her mates and said to derive rung and watch.

"So what's your game ?"Nobber asks Hunt the Cunt.

"Just like to see Lesbos sorted out,"he sniggered.

"Wants a share of the CCTV rightfield more like,"I sighed knowing half of Saudiafuckingrabia had seen my ass bobbing around on some porn channel streamed from the CCTV as I gave Sandra a portion one dark after ignition lock up.

"Lads what do you rent me for ?"hunt asked.

"Money grabbing cunt,"Harley Charlie said nicely.

"Yeah well making money's me hobby ennit ?"Hunt laughed,"Go on. I'll make it a grand each."

"I dunno,"I said,"What you reckon Boris ?"

"If your up for it I am."she said,"I need the cash."

"getting up for its the problem,"I thought to me self as I tried to shut out me eyes and think of England, or actually that vista in Nippon porn Farm three where the Jap girl all strip off on the parade ground and start doing practice session until the blokes start fucking them.

It was no thoroughly, me cock did a passable impersonation of a French S Cargo ( snail ).

"In the back room ?"I suggested.

"Lock the threshold Sandra,"Hunt suggested.

"nookie that me mates is coming,"Sandra explained.

"Oh fucking jesus."I thought.

"Right lets do one Thomas More set of can buy me get it on,"Boris called as she twanged a horrible row from her unquestionable Taiwanese Scatocaster Guitar, It might have worked better if she had noticed it was for 120 V not 240 but reading and thinking were not exactly her inviolable points.

"Buy me a rhomb pack you cunt and you can log Z's with me tonight."
"Stick it up me bum you cunt and I'll make it all seem right.
"Cause all I want is,"“ raft of money and Money can buy me love,"
"Can buy me luh-uv,"
she wailed.

Poor old Macker Lennon must have been turning in his pit.

Actually the pub was filling nicely.

Boris was starting another set.

"Tie a roll in the hay pedo round the old oak tree
If he fucking dies its all right by me."

"Who writes this shit ?"Hunt asked.

I never admitted anything,"Its satire,"I said.

"Fucking racist,"he said shaking his head.

"Across the sea, where all the priests are pedophiles, ''
"Celibate means the nookie lot are gay."Boris warbled to what might well experience been supposed to be the tune to"Danny Boy."

"Jesus of Nazareth sake Johnno she'll be on the racist shite side by side do something !"Sandra hissed in me lug hole as the pub filled with her mates.

I stepped up to the mike, I got a half decent voice, well it was ok till it broke, sort of split down the halfway more like, when me balls dropped."You all know this one,"I shouted and started singing a crapello, that means on me tod.

"The Dew on the meadow, the mist on the stream.
The river runs down to the sea."

"We gather together to recognise the first light
and England belongs to me."

Boris's mate crashed in a few random chords on basso Guitar which was handy because I started far too high

"So bugger the spaniards and bugger the anuran, and bugger the old EEC
The whole fucking Eurozone can get stuffed 'cause England belongs to me."

"Italians are pedopiles so are the Jerry, the polish have all got VD
So lets get and build an atomic dud and blow them to buggery."

"And blow them to Bug, and blow them to Bug,"

"And blow them to bug er ree !"I finished as a solo and then tried to make a run for it.

"Bloody hell that was fucking brilliant !"this pissed up working girl with DD tits and blonde fuzz straight out of a sprayer can who might have passed for 25 on a iniquity night where you couldn't see the wrinkle under her eyes cooed as she pressed her pap against me.

Suddenly S Cargo turned to frankfurter, well more care broom hold if I'm fair ‘ causal agent I wont see twenty dollar bill again in a hurry like either.

"Ohhh you are a big boy,"she cooed as she cupped me balls through me jeans.

"Its now or never,"I thought as I pulled away from her.

"And now the master event,"I said,"Drum drum roll please Karen."

"I'm fucking Elsie you blind goose !"the drummer replied but she started smacking snake pit out of the drum skins all same.

"Go for it ?"Boris asked.

I nodded.

She pulled down her skin blotto extra enceinte blue jean and the biggest roll of pink belly fat you ever did see cascaded down completely hiding what looked like a tiny pair of pink panties.

Me ardour was fading. ( Posh lingo for me prick was shrinking, fast )

"Stick it anywhere no one will notice !"Boris hissed as I dropped my pants and pushed her against the bar.

Now any sensitive fucker would have rubbered up but I didn't have metre, and anyway plan A was to shoot up somewhere under a bun of flabby under her belly button but wouldn't you know John the Divine St. Thomas went straight for the moist fleck. I reckon she must birth fancied the blond tart with the DDs same as I had.

The feel of me bare cock capitulum on a moist cunt sass is much the same whether its Brianny or Mad Donna or someone what looks like some fuckers grandad and I made the misapprehension of shutting me eyes.

Next fucking thing I was going for it. Fucking JT was in. Right up, that fucking flab was soft as nooky and just flowed out the way. She was truly fucked. I was truly fucked.

"Oh god."I moaned but I never had the gumption to stop.

"No don't that feels too nice, for fucks sake Johnno !"Boris was wailing.

I started going for it, like a fucking terrier against a jackboot the boot, it felt too fucking good. It was all wrong and then the pressure release alarm clock went off in me bollocks.

"Ready or not I'm coming !"I shouted and to a bloody big cheer I shot me load.

"Fake !"someone cried.

"He fucking didn't he slimed me !"Boris protested and she showed three of her podgy fingers inside her and dragged them out glistening with spunk.

shtup applause all beat, fucking ten Lucy Stone and a bit wuss and a dike les. It must have looked hilarious, like one of them trivial male spiders fucking them huge female black widder wanderer except I hadn't been ate yet.

"Pay sentence,"I said as John the Evangelist Hunt tried to sneak away.

"Fair do's you earned it,"he laughed and he flashed a wad of billet. I flicked through.

"And the rest,"I said without counting.

He coughed up another ton or so which brought it just over two grand which was fair.

"You really would fuck anything you fucking worm,"Sandra said.

"piece of tail pot calling the roll in the hay timpani,"I said,"At least I get a grand not a one-half of lager beer and a few chips."

"Too chaise,"she said,"Anyway its rubbers for you now, you don't know where that's been."

"Fucking morning after tab, is the late night chemist still unfold ?"I asked.

"I crumbled two in her vodka and orange,"Sandra said,"Someone has to look after you."

"I know,"I said,"I am grateful."

"Elsie says if I have IVF and have triad we can get a 3 bedroom council mansion straight away,"Sandra said all innocent like.

"Not that fucking grateful,"I said as Boris decided not to bother trying to force her belly back in her jeans but to stick the spare mike up her cunt instead as she launched in to song.

"He's got a Pedo's bollock in his paw,
He's got his prick and bollock in his hired man,"and as she sang,
'' He's got a Pedo's ballock in his hired man, '' again the the audience joined in with.
"And he'll rip the fuckers off !"

"There ain't no room for Pedo's in this Land,"they continued.

I'd had enough, I felt nauseated, that was pretty low fucking a ugly butch Les for money, Ok better than sweeping roads or collecting tax or walking the streets like a plod but pretty crashing low.

I opened the door. There were half a dozen uniforms sheltering in the porch.

"Oh its you Allthwaite,"the Police serjeant said knowingly,"Off home ?"

"Nah off down the Mosk for Friday Prayers."I corrected him.

"Its Tuesday,"the sergeant corrected,"This Gentlemen is your actual Shirley Temple Black Moslem Gay lesbian Transsexual phallus of every bloody minority the place function has ever heard of and plenty more than beside, arrest him at your peril."

My reputation had preceded me"Box ticking,"I agreed.

"Just screwing off."He said.

So I did, and they arrested some fella who came out his gaff in his nightshirt to sound off about the row.

Its a singular old world.

And that was me first sapphic experience .