“ The mind of SGT. J": A dead presentation

I would like to thank everyone for your e-mail thanking me for sharing my life story"swinging in the locality"with you all. In telling my story I never thought I would get the reply I did ; especially from fellow vets. It was just not from Vietnam veterans but from veteran who had served recently in Iraq, Afghanistan and some station I did not even know we were involved.

almost were thanking me for showing them that there were others like themselves. They thought they alone walked this earth with their demons. They did not realize that many of us have been into the shadow. near had kept their demons hidden from those around them. Most could only fault the daemon on lovemaking lost or friends that were no longer friends.

A lot took my advice of talking to a know one or just talking to a fellow vet. They found as I had long ago that talking about your demons that you carry ; lessen the load of the extra baggage we returned abode with after the war. It always brought a smile to my typeface and filled my affection with warmth when they would severalize me in their emails.

"Thanks to your account Sgt. J I am dealing with my demons."“ My married woman has noticed I deal with everyday stress better and she now understands why I had worry dealing with them in the first place."“ Sgt. J you have shown me there is hope for me after all."“ I have drove two married woman away because of my demon and was about to lose my third, thanks Sgt. J for showing me the way out of the darkness and into my wife ‘ s arms again."Those were just a few bits of the many emails I received from you my readers.

I had more than a few vet's married woman email me thanking me for finally getting their hubby to tell them about the demons they had brought back with them. Their husbands never shared that division of their life with them and after hearing, what some had been through. It gave them an agreement of why that the man they fell in love with was no longer with them.

In almost all the emails I received most wanted to know two matter. One was just how that house of mine is doing. The second base was when you are going to write again. I had the support of my menage when I wrote my life story as they thought it would be unspoiled therapy.

I did not know that I was about to place myself on an excited tumbler coaster in writing of my life. I relived every exclusive chapter I wrote. I relived that tinker's dam Vietnam War which I do every day anyways. I felt the pain, the desperation of losing have a go at it 1 as well as the suffering some endured in my story. I even felt each buss and the shot of Carrie's handwriting to my face as I wrote my story.

Due to some recent consequence in my lifetime, I feel it is my obligation to add to my life fib. I was not going to do this however, the kinsfolk I hold honey and near to my heart and soul encouraged me as well as prodded me to drop a line once more. The principal driving force has been my lovely daughter Sherri.

"Daddy you have to save about what happened,"Sherri said to me."You owe it not only to your readers but to yourself as well,"she added.

I was unsure of whether to indite of the Recent consequence in my biography. Mainly because the late events had caused me to question myself on most of the decisions, I had made during my life. I agreed to drop a line again but only if my family would facilitate me with my project.

There will be chapters with them telling of past event they shared or endured with me. I am doing so I can see if my decisions I had chosen in my life were the flop one or had I caused more harm than good. It is not easy to call into question ace self without knowing just how the person you may feature touched feel as well.

Let me introduce you the quest writers who will be telling their narrative of my invasion into there lives. I am married to two lovely cleaning lady Kay and Cathy. Kay is my sound wife while Cathy is my given wife as Kay rather gave her to me. Sherri is Kay's daughter who I adopted days ago and she has only ever known me as dad. To me she will always be my little princess who I love and adore as if she was my own.

Sherri is married to Duke a decorated war veteran like myself. They have a sweet girl by the name of Michelle who is now 11 going on 16. While she calls me"papa ”, my family line and friends call me can. You my lector know me as SGT. J.

Kay, Cathy and Sherri have decided to be our guest writer as long as I help them. My granddaughter Michelle will not be writing because as a family we have hidden most from her. She only knows her"PAPA,"has the one who spoils her. Duke is undecided as of now but he may join us when and if the time is decent. His reasoning to me was as follow :

"I can not speak evil against one like myself, a ground forces ranger, for we are pal. For any who speaks against a brother or judges his Brother, speaks evil against the computer code and judges the code. For if you judge the code, you are not a doer of the code but a judge."

"There is but one lawgiver and justice, he who is able to lay aside and to destruct. So who am I to pass judgment you ?

I believe the boy has been hanging around me for too long. If you were a new reader of this story, then you would be doing yourself a favor in reading my former history"Swinging in the neighbourhood"from the beginning in orderliness to understand me as well as others in my news report. There are 31 Chapters to that floor so I decided to write a new news report entitled,"The perspicacity of Sgt. J."

My storey is one of war, Romance, sex, bother, despair, and of the tragedies, my family or I have faced. Mine is a story filled with spook from the past as well as an Angel that guides my soul. You may rule yourself shaking your head in disgust over a chapter or you may find yourself in tears feeling the emotion as well as the hurt and despair I type with to you. I pull no punches or whitewash over any event in my lifetime as I write.

For I write the only way I know and that is from my nub. The emotions I feel when I write I try to have you get as well. I do this not because I want you to feel my anguish, the pain, the hurt mortal or I face in my report. I do it because you must experience it in order to understand it. In doing so, you may obtain that you even understand yourself a fiddling better. I look in my mirror every day and I see myself. Whom do you see ?

I am not looking for you to finger sorry for me nor do you owe me anything. I do not save out of self-pity for myself. I accepted the hand Fate dealt to me when I played board with him and the Grime Reaper during Socialist Republic of Vietnam. I write this way only because like many former men I live by the code.

"What code is that ?"You ask.

'' Truth, Honor, braveness and the bravery to remove action when others do not, '' `` To always do what is right and just, ''"To never move over up Bob Hope,"I say to you as my rim tremble.

I have followed and lived by that codification going on 44 eld now. Since 1969 back when I was a bare boy from the neighborhood fighting in a land they called Vietnam. I went to that war because a girl had broken my affectionateness. I also unknowing broke another young woman's spunk when I ran off to that darn war.

That lady friend name was Carrie I knew not of her feelings for me for I was too blind to accept seen them. She had written me letters during my two long time in that hellhole. I never read any of them until I was on my way dwelling house from my first off turn. If I had only read them before I might not have signed up for the 2nd one. I fell in love with her and wanted to take a leak her my married woman. However, I was afraid I would only make her a widow.

I returned to that land they called Vietnam a vary somebody. My first tour had turned me from a mere boy into a man. Some would even say a half-crazed man as the monster within me controlled most of my actions during that time keeping me safety. During my second enlistment in Vietnam, I was at odds with the monster within me as well as myself. The monster wanted to play war while all I wanted to do was to be home with Carrie in my arms.

With the phone of"CLICK Snap,"my war was over. Four men walked that hobo camp this night only one would take the air out of it. Someone in our scouting patrol had stepped on a mine. Three brave men lost their lifetime that night while another walked under the jungle canopy that night mortally wounded. I should not have even been able to incite let alone pass. Something inside me took over and I had but one purpose that dark which was to make it back abode to Carrie.

I awoke some months later from a comatoseness in a hospital in Japanese Islands. Carrie was there waiting for me to turn back from the dead. However, I returned a broken man ; shrapnel littered my chest, my back and legs. The MD told Carrie and me there was a piece of shrapnel near my pricker that had caused nigh of the damage. There was also a small slice near my heart.

"We can not remove the one near his kernel and for right now it is causing him no problems and would probably kill him if we did remove it,"The physician said."The one at his spine we can remove but there is a luck he would be paralyzed for life in doing so,"he added.

I had him operate on me not to ca-ca me perfect again. I was hoping I would die during this operation thus joining the souls of the men I lost in Vietnam. I wanted my war to be finally over however it was to become only the beginning.

I survived the operation and I would have to find another way to join my fallen comrades. I faced a major conflict in my convalescence. I did not want to live and consider with what lies ahead of me which was month of therapy to regain the use of my wooden leg and my arm. If not for Carrie being at my slope, I would not be writing this today.

I tried to send her away as I was incertain if I would ever walk again. I became helpless when she was with me. I had her script me something that I could stimulate easily reached for with my working arm. I tried to convince her I was no farsighted that man she had fallen in lovemaking with years ago.

Carrie would not let me give up on myself or on us. She would prompt my stage with her hands everyday bending them at my knees. I only sunk deeper into my own depression as well as into the darkness that surround my soul. That war had given me more than just my wounds ; it had scarred my idea for life-time for I carried devil with me from that war, creatures that walked in the night.

Carrie went on with doing what she thought was right hand moving my stage daily for the next two weeks or so. The adjacent day when she came into my room and started to work my stage, I by passed my warmness as I unleashed the daimon I carried in my soul.

"Get your damn fucking deal off my useless wooden leg,"I yelled at her.

"John, don't say hooey like that when you do it means you have given up hope,"Carrie replied."Remember this always St. John the Apostle,"“ Never give up hope,"Carrie added smiling at me.

"I GAVE up on hope after hearing the click centering and it did not take my fucking life-time,"I screamed at her like some type of a lunatic.

Carrie looked to me with sorrow in her lovely blue eyes as she said,"If you gave up on hope then you have given up on us as well, John."“ Goodbye John, I am leaving and you will never see me again,"Carrie added as she started out of the hospital room.

I watched Carrie walking toward the threshold. Suddenly that voice within my read/write head that had guided me through Socialist Republic of Vietnam. The one I called the monster within spoke loudly in my head.

"SGT. J you stop that miss NOW,"the fiend within said.

"CARRIE, delight don't leave me alone,"I screamed from my hospital bed.

Carrie walked back to the bed where she stroked her lenify hand against the slope of my aspect as she said,"Hush, hush my love or the creatures of the dark will get you."

"I am good-for-naught Carrie, please do not ever forget me for I fear being alone,"I replied to her.

"john, as long as you have hope you are never alone."Carrie said smiling at me.

I looked up into her pin-up blue eyes. They sparkled and shined as I stared into them. Her eyes took me to our happy place by the lake. The place I went to in my psyche to be with her during Vietnam.

I stared into her optic as the assuage lapping of the waves against the shoreline filled my auricle. I saw the moon dancing across the water system with to many mavin to count behind it. Carrie was standing there with her arms out and open air waiting for me to join her as her farsighted blonde hair blew gently in the nighttime's breeze.

My idea seemed to go white until I heard the giant with in say,"SGT.J you move your leg now and that is an Order SGT."

My leg gave a jerk much to Carrie and to my surprise. I should deliver known better for the monster within was my acquaintance and he had kept me alive for the cobbler's last three years while in the jungles of Socialist Republic of Vietnam. He was once again helping me to pull through. Carrie wrapped her munition around me as I lie in bed. I felt my leave alone arm twitching as if it wanted to hug her back.

Carrie pulled away from me as she said,"See what a little Hope can do for you."

It was a longsighted tough struggle almost two years but with Carrie's help, a little Leslie Townes Hope and the monster within I walked down the gangway marrying her on June 3, 1974. Carrie finished college earning a doctoral-level academic degree in psychology. She wrote her term paper based on me as she tried to help me to deal with my Vietnam War memories and the demons I brought back. We even started a small supporting group where Carrie helped me as well as early Vietnam vets who worked for us to deal with our problems.

sprightliness was good and Carrie and I enjoyed it to the good. We had money and a expression company my uncle had turned over to me. We lived the lifestyle in which we grew up back in our locality that being swinger. We even turned our little house on the lake into a tramp retreat. Life was unspoilt and while I was still having nightmares and flashbacks to that damn war. As long as Carrie was with me, I would survive them.

Then we gave up on swinging deciding it was fourth dimension to start a family. sight of having a family with Carrie would always fill my psyche when I was doing my job in Socialist Republic of Vietnam. thinking like those were life-threatening for one during war as I found out the hard way. I wanted Carrie as my wife and maybe three or four minor running around. That was my Hope, my dreams however ; all I got was a nightmare that has lasted all these years.

Carrie became significant near the end of September 1979. She became even more beautiful to me during that time. That woman and our unborn child had become the only thing I cared about or ever wanted.

I lost Carrie the woman I loved with my heart and mortal on May 10, 1980. I never got to hold our unborn daughter Melissa as well. I can not take over reliving that nightmare so if you seek contingent find them in Chapter 12 of my life story.

My biography was over I could not and did not want to go on living. I did what I had done all my lifespan I ran. I sold that house on the lake we had called home, as it was no longer like a plate to me. We also owed a home base in a near by town as I always worried about her being alone during the hard winters on the lake, which I did not sell, but it sat idle by anyone for many class a forgotten wintertime home for Carrie and our child to be safe in while I battled wintertime violent storm coming off the lake in a snowplough truck.

I told everyone I was going to fish my way out to CA just to see that sunset Carrie used to severalise me she enjoyed. That was my cover story for running away. I took to the bottle, drugs or anything that could take my pain away. Losing Carrie had taken everything from me, all I had left were the demons I carried with me. I no longer had any aspiration or hopes for a future.

Nine or eleven months later, I decided I have had adequate. I had just been in a bar fight in which I would have taken another man's life if it was not for the specter of Carrie stopping me. This was not the first base meter her touch had visited me nor would it be her last. I returned to my hotel elbow room with the reply to all my problems.

I sat on the edge of the bed as I picked up the 45. I chambered a cycle before I shoved the barrel into my sassing. My lips tasted freedom as the barrel slipped into my backtalk. I closed my oculus as a vision filled my head.

The gentle lapping of the lake's water against the shoreline filled my ears. I saw the moon as it danced across the water. The dark sky had many stars shining bright too many for me to count. I saw Carrie standing there with her arms folded shaking her head back and Forth.

She looked like an holy man as she stood there at the waters edge the moon silhouetting her. She had a glow around her and she looked even more beautiful than I remembered her ever looking.

"Put the gun down, John,"Carrie said as she opened her arms for me motioning for me to issue forth to her.

I went to her open arms taking her into mine. I hugged her tightly as I said,"It's the entirely way to be with you my love."

Carrie pushed me from her arms as she replied,"John, if you do that I will not wait for you."Carrie rubbed her hand to the side of my face as she added,"Always remember John, to endure in heart we leave behind is not to die."

Carrie started to fade away and before she was gone she said,"Remember John never give up hope and I will always be here for you just look to your heart when you need me."

That was the initiative sentence Angel Carrie came into my life. From then on she guided me down the road we call life. I went to rehab and got my life sentence back together. When I hit a gibbosity in the road, I looked to my fondness. angel Carrie was soon there to manoeuvre me in the justly centering. I asked holy person Carrie once during a dream just what her use in guiding me was.

"Others will involve you and the code you follow, lav,"Angel Carrie said smiling at me.

"`` Truth, accolade, Bravery and the courageousness to take action mechanism when others do not, '' `` To always do what is proper and just, ''"To never give up hope,"those words filled my mind.

Those who have followed my story know I have followed and used those codes much through my life. angel Carrie guided me to three lost soulfulness trapped and lost within their own darkness. They were Kay, her girl Sherri and Cathy. Really, it was two as to Cathy ; I had driven her into the darkness.

I have followed these codes faithfully for 44 yr never once questioning them or straying from them. In breaking one of my codes, I began to question my sound judgment of everything I have done in my spirit. Had I really helped those around me or receive I only caused them more trauma ?

'' Truth, Honor, bravery and the braveness to take action when others do not, '' `` To always do what is right on and just, ''"To never collapse up hope,"those lyric I would say proudly as one of the very first USA ranger.

During my go in Vietnam, I was with the Long Range Reconnaissance Patrol ( LRRP ) and Long kitchen range Patrol caller ( also known as Lurps ) which began in the mid-1960s as a reactive necessity to the US army 's deficiency of units capable of reconnaissance behind enemy lines. On 1 January 1969, under the new U.S. Army fight branch Regimental System ( gondola ), these whole turned into Rangers in South Vietnam within the 75th foot Regiment ( Ranger ). I was with the 75th during this clock time so I became a ranger.

Today's rangers earn their title while men like me in Viet Nam were given the title. However, we earned ours in combat. Others judged us on and by our actions as well. All of us were willing to give our sprightliness's to barricade anyone from taking or removing one's freedom. Our actions over in Vietnam helped to train futurity United States Army rangers for today's warfare.

Those words do not seem authoritative to me any longer. They used to intend a lot to me especially"Never give up hope."We had added that one when I returned home from Vietnam bringing with me fiend from that war. The one I broke is probably the most important one to me and one, which has had the most bearing on my living,"Never give up hope."

Those language have echoed in my judgement since the day Carrie used them at me in the hospital after my war was over. She would differentiate them to me and fellow Socialist Republic of Vietnam stager back in 74 and 75. During this time, we were trying to help other vets who like me had brought fiend home with them from Vietnam. She would always end our get together we held at our little business firm on the lake with those words. I had always held those lyric close and near to my nerve since that Night angel Carrie stopped me from pulling the trigger on that 45 in my mouth.

It was not just one issue but also a serial of events that led to breaking of the code. It all started with the Annam War, as you will see as the story plays out as I write it. That dam war has been a constituent or a thespian in my life for 44 years. I curse it forever happening and myself forever becoming involved with it. That dam war of foresightful ago came back to haunt me worst than it ever had in the past.

I am writing this entry for the welfare of any new referee to my storey. It will give them an idea of what variety of person I was. For I am no longer sealed if maybe those who I have had contact with are expert off today or not. Thoughts of Kay, Sherri and Cathy fill my mind as well as 1 of my beloved Carrie and anyone else I have had contact with might hold been substantially off if they had never met me. I am here writing this new story due to the events that happened recently in my spirit that caused to me to go against my codes.

As I type, I am sitting in judgment of myself. My floor does not have an ending yet as you, the reader will discover the ending as I decide upon it. The events leading up to all of this will be forth coming through the chapters that follow. I will be reliving my lifespan through the eyes of those who lived it with me. I hope that I will see just whether those whose life sentence I touched are better with me or without me.

I end this introduction to my new narration with a quotation mark that I once heard.

There is a saying in Tibetan,"Tragedy should be utilized as a generator of strength."“ No affair what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our Leslie Townes Hope, that 's our existent disaster."
― Dalai Lama XIV

The start chapter will be out on Friday good afternoon following this suddenly instauration and others chapters will keep up. How many I can not say other than as many as it takes. As always, I look forward to your comments and your emails. If nothing else just stop by and tell Sgt. J"hello again."
Sgt. J