My offset Lesbian Experience

It was late. It was raining. And colored. And cold.

The auditory sensation of the folk group wafted down the street from the Flying horse as I nibbled at something that might once induce been a cod before it was cremated and sealed in cardboard flavoured yellow concrete and stuffed in newspaper publisher with slicing of raw potato.

I opened the pub door as the north grub premier ( and only ) gay woman anti pedophile dance orchestra Boris and the Pedos sang.
"String the buggers up"
"String the buggers up"
"There's nothing as vile as a pedophile, so string the buggers up !"An consultation of three scrape head teacher and an old old codger who mistook it for Domino night sat there bored out their skulls.

"All right Johnno ?"Boris the run vocalizer shouted as her dance orchestra rested between numbers.

Nearly bald, five five over twenty Harlan Fisk Stone, squeezed into extra gravid blue jean three sizing too modest with a leather crownwork what had probably been old when the first world war was on she was the sort of butch tribade who got butch lesbians a bad name.

nous you the way she liked fucking convicted pedos up the ass with a sled hammer handle made me wonder whether she actually was a lesso. She had cracking sea bass baritone vocalization though, commiseration she was tone deaf.

"Not so bad, how's it going ?"I asked.

"Not so bad,"she said,"Any favorites ?"

"Bit of poetry ?"I suggested,"The gallows tree ?"

"Sit thee down, and remain awhile."
"And catch the lonely pedophile."I started

"As swaying gently in the breeze, he dangles from the gallows tree !"she finished, ah that's poetry.

"You can't bring nutrient in here,"Sandra the barmaid shouted.

"Its from the shish kebab shop, I don't reckon it counts as food for thought,"I moaned.

"Them fucking cunts hates us,"Harley Charlie, the moped riding chief skinhead announced,"They ought to fuck off back where the cum from."

"Where fucking Oldham ?"his Paraguay tea asked.

"Who gives a piece of tail, lets have a sing song, that old one,"he said drunkenly,"White cliff of Dover !"

"We'll chuck Pedos over, the Patrick White Cliffs of Dover, tomorrow just you wait and see."

"We'll get all them bastards and chuck the balance over after,"I suggested,"Then we'll be fucking Pedo unfreeze !"

"You got the words Johnno ?"Boris asked.

"No I just fucking made it up, Jesus Christ fucking christ."I replied.

"make a fracture record,"Charlie said, and he stood up,"demand a squat, get the crapulence in Nobber."

"Why the fucking do I always get to get the drinks in ?"Nobber asked.

"‘ Cause your on benefit, no one else got any cash ?"I suggested.

"nookie surd work, benefit, having to call up to fucking limp."Nobber said, but no one gave a fuck.

"What you having Johnno ?"Sandra asked.

"Anal ?"I suggested.

"To drink not later you filthy bastard !"Sandra retorted and Boris flashed me a calamitous look, she must have thought she had pulled.

"betrayer piss,"I said.

"You can have one Frank Philip Stella ‘ cause I know what your the likes of after a few pints eh Mr Floppy !"Sandra laughed.

"All fucking right, it was only once."I stammered as me face went bright red,"Ever ready me."

"Fuck anything anything any time ?"John Holman Hunt the bookie from Matson street walked out the bog and started taunting me. Hunt the Cunt as we called him.

"Long as its over 18, and has a bitch and a beat,"I protested.

"Like a cow ?"he laughed.

"Technically they has a vestibule not a bitch,"I said using my superior intellect gained from watching pointless fucking biz show and like poop on pointless shag day TV.

"Her then,"he said pointing at Boris.

"screw off she's a fucking Lesso."I said supportively.

"Fifty quid says you can't."He suggested.

"L quid each ?"Boris asked.

"Two hundred, seduce it five !"hunting the twat taunted.

"Deliverer,"Boris said,"I could use a few quid as it happens."

"Oh for shtup sake,"Hunt sighed,"I was taking the piss."

"We heard,"Harley Charlie chuckled,"What you reckon Johnno ?"

"Yeah, why not, I'm up for it."I lied. Jesus it would be halfway to turning fucking gay. Fucking a fat bald geezer even if it did have a cunt somewhere under the ugly great folding of belly skin.

"This I just got to see !"Sandra said. What I didn't know was she texted all her mates and said to come round and watch.

"So what's your game ?"Nobber asks Hunt the Cunt.

"Just like to see Lesbos sorted out,"he sniggered.

"Wants a share of the CCTV right field more like,"I sighed knowing half of Saudiafuckingrabia had seen my ass bobbing around on some porno communication channel streamed from the CCTV as I gave Sandra a constituent one night after whorl up.

"Lads what do you take me for ?"Holman Hunt asked.

"Money grabbing snatch,"Harley Charlie said nicely.

"Yeah well making money's me hobby ennit ?"hunting laughed,"Go on. I'll make it a grand each."

"I dunno,"I said,"What you reckon Boris ?"

"If your up for it I am."she said,"I need the cash."

"getting up for its the problem,"I thought to me self as I tried to exclude me eyes and think of England, or actually that scene in Nippon pornography Farm three where the Jap girls all strip off on the parade ground and startle doing exercises until the cuss start fucking them.

It was no good, me cock did a tolerable impersonation of a French S Cargo ( snail ).

"In the hinder room ?"I suggested.

"Lock the door Sandra,"Holman Hunt suggested.

"Fuck that me mates is coming,"Sandra explained.

"Oh fucking jesus."I thought.

"Right lets do one more set of can buy me love,"Boris called as she twanged a horrifying row from her authentic Formosan Scatocaster Guitar, It might have worked better if she had noticed it was for 120 volt not 240 but reading and thinking were not exactly her stiff points.

"Buy me a baseball diamond ring you cunt and you can sleep with me tonight."
"stick it up me bum you cunt and I'll form it all seem right.
"Cause all I want is,"“ Lots of money and Money can buy me get it on,"
"Can buy me luh-uv,"
she wailed.

Poor old Macker Lennon must bear been turning in his pit.

Actually the pub was filling nicely.

Boris was starting another set.

"Tie a shag pedo round the old oak tree
If he fucking dies its all rightfulness by me."

"Who writes this shit ?"Leigh Hunt asked.

I never admitted anything,"Its sarcasm,"I said.

"Fucking racist,"he said shaking his head.

"Across the sea, where all the priests are pedophile, ''
"Celibate means the fucking lot are gay."Boris warbled to what might well have been supposed to be the tune to"Danny Boy."

"Redeemer interest Johnno she'll be on the racist crap next do something !"Sandra hissed in me lug gob as the pub filled with her mates.

I stepped up to the mike, I got a one-half decent vocalism, well it was ok till it broke, sort of split down the middle more like, when me balls dropped."You all know this one,"I shouted and started singing a crapello, that means on me tod.

"The Dew on the meadow, the mist on the stream.
The river runs down to the sea."

"We gather together to greet the break of the day
and England belongs to me."

Boris's spouse crashed in a few random chords on bass voice Guitar which was W. C. Handy because I started far too high

"So bugger the spaniards and bugger the frogs, and bugger the old EEC
The entirely fucking Eurozone can get stuffed 'cause England belongs to me."

"Italians are pedopiles so are the krauts, the polish have all got VD
So lets get and progress an atomic bomb and burn out them to buggery."

"And blow them to Bug, and fuck up them to Bug,"

"And bollocks up them to bug er ree !"I finished as a solo and then tried to seduce a run for it.

"Bloody hell that was fucking brilliant !"this pissed up tart with DD mammilla and blonde hair straight out of a atomiser can who might have passed for 25 on a iniquity night where you couldn't see the crinkle under her eyes cooed as she pressed her tits against me.

Suddenly S Cargo turned to frankfurter, well more like Scots heather handle if I'm honest ‘ drive I wont see twenty again in a haste like either.

"Ohhh you are a big boy,"she cooed as she cupped me balls through me jeans.

"Its now or never,"I thought as I pulled away from her.

"And now the main event,"I said,"Drum roll please Karen."

"I'm fucking Elsie you blind pussy !"the drummer replied but she started smacking hell out of the tympan skins all same.

"Go for it ?"Boris asked.

I nodded.

She pulled down her skin soused superfluous magnanimous jeans and the biggest rolling of pink belly fat you ever did see cascaded down completely hiding what looked like a tiny pair of garden pink panties.

Me elan was fading. ( Posh jargon for me tool was shrinking, fast )

"Stick it anywhere no one will point out !"Boris hissed as I dropped my pants and pushed her against the bar.

Now any reasonable fucker would suffer rubbered up but I didn't have prison term, and anyway contrive A was to dart up somewhere under a roll of flabby under her belly button but wouldn't you know toilet Thomas went straight for the moist spot. I reckon she must let fancied the blonde tart with the DDs same as I had.

The smell of me denude cock head on a moist cunt sassing is much the Saami whether its Brianny or Mad Donna or person what looks like some fuckers grandad and I made the fault of shutting me eyes.

Next fucking thing I was going for it. Fucking JT was in. Right up, that fucking flab was balmy as fuck and just flowed out the way. She was truly fucked. I was truly fucked.

"Oh god."I moaned but I never had the sensory faculty to stop.

"No don't that feels too squeamish, for piece of tail sake Johnno !"Boris was wailing.

I started going for it, like a fucking terrier against a wellington flush, it felt too fucking honorable. It was all incorrect and then the pressure spillage alarm went off in me bollocks.

"Ready or not I'm coming !"I shouted and to a bloody big cheer I shot me load.

"Fake !"soul cried.

"He fucking didn't he slimed me !"Boris protested and she showed three of her podgy fingers inside her and dragged them out glistening with spunk.

Fucking applause all round, fucking ten rock and a bit doormat and a butch les. It must have looked hilarious, like one of them little virile spider fucking them huge female dark widder spiders except I hadn't been ate yet.

"Pay sentence,"I said as John Hunt tried to sneak away.

"funfair do's you earned it,"he laughed and he flashed a wad of notation. I flicked through.

"And the rest,"I said without counting.

He coughed up another ton or so which brought it just over two grand which was fair.

"You really would love anything you fucking worm,"Sandra said.

"Fucking pot calling the nooky kettle,"I said,"At to the lowest degree I get a grand not a half of lager and a few chips."

"Too shay,"she said,"Anyway its pencil eraser for you now, you don't know where that's been."

"shtup morning time after oral contraceptive pill, is the tardily Night chemist still spread ?"I asked.

"I crumbled two in her vodka and Orange,"Sandra said,"person has to appear after you."

"I know,"I said,"I am grateful."

"Elsie says if I have IVF and have tierce we can get a 3 chamber council star sign straight away,"Sandra said all innocent like.

"Not that fucking thankful,"I said as Boris decided not to get at trying to impel her belly back in her jean but to amaze the spare mike up her cunt instead as she launched in to song.

"He's got a Pedo's egg in his handwriting,
He's got his cock and bollocks in his hand,"and as she sang,
'' He's got a Pedo's ballock in his deal, '' again the the audience joined in with.
"And he'll rip the fuckers off !"

"There ain't no room for Pedo's in this earth,"they continued.

I'd had enough, I felt disturbed, that was pretty low fucking a ugly butch Les for money, Ok unspoiled than sweeping roadstead or collecting tax or walking the streets like a plod but pretty bally low.

I opened the door. There were half a 12 uniforms sheltering in the porch.

"Oh its you Allthwaite,"the constabulary serjeant-at-law said knowingly,"Off home ?"

"Nah off down the Mosk for Friday Prayers."I corrected him.

"Its Tuesday,"the Sergeant corrected,"This Gentlemen is your literal black Muslim Gay tribade Transsexual member of every bloody minority the dwelling house office has ever heard of and plenty more beside, arrest him at your peril."

My reputation had preceded me"Box tick,"I agreed.

"Just fuck off."He said.

So I did, and they arrested some bloke who came out his gaff in his nightshirt to kvetch about the row.

Its a shady old world.

And that was me first Lesbian experience .