maitre d' Beckinthwaite 's Bride.

I 'm Captain Thomas bloody Beckinthwaite, from bloody Yorkshire and I do n't give a bugger what you bloody reckon because I bloody speak as I bloody rule.

We had a all-fired bad misstep back from America on Steamship and when we got back to Liverpool I made sure as shooting me brass were prophylactic and went to see damn Agent first thing.

I went in his office.It stunk like a Tarts boudoir with furnishings to match. agent were a despicable illegitimate with slicked down hair and poncy suit. He sat behind this over polished bloody oakwood bloody desk about the size of a crashing cricket wicket the useless bastard.

"Good day police chief, I am delighted to cope with you at last,"he simpered wi'out standing up.

"No thee bloody ent,"I said,"Thee jus wants me brass,"I answered him,"I'm from bloody Yorksire and I speaks me bloody mind,"I explained to the ignorant Lancashire twat.

"Er, yes, the brass,"he said awkwardly.

"Ton and a half of it,"I said,"Dubloons, piece of music of eight, that form of brass."

"We thought you meant brass instrument,"his help chipped in. She was like a short haired gorilla in a black dress with a gob like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

"organization, Money,"I said,"Bloody dim-witted enough even for you bloody ignorant Lanky buggers ent it ?"

"Brass is an alloy of Copper and Tin,"she ventured.

"Clever bitch eh, need to be with a gob like yours,"I advised, `` Ent going to get far wi your bloody looks and that 's a bloody fact..

"How a good deal were you asking ?"the slimy one asked.

I told him, showed him chit for it.

"Yes we will pay the asking price,"the slimy bastard said rooking me,"The bank check please Miss Rathbone."and they give me it and it were done.

I nipped snipe bank and paid it in ready. Daft by-blow on riposte near fainted at size of cheque but I drew out a honest few quid and went about me business.

15 bloody days voyage took, blooming steamship broke down on the way but at last I had some cheek in bank and could come home instead of scratting round down Confederate States America way meking a bob or two here an there.

I went to see seaport skipper what were a mate of mine, we had a chat for a few hour then I asked"Where's slave market, I fancies a nice plump fresh John Brown one."

"By heck you been away a bloody while,"he said,"Thee casn't have slaves in England any more."

"You what ?"I demanded.

"Nay,"He said,"They banned slave'ry back in thirty three and anyroad nobs got fed up wi novelty an let almost of ‘ em go free."

"Bloody heck,"I said,"Where the bloody Scheol do I find a overnice plump Virgo for tonight ?"

"Tonight, Thee'll be bloody favourable to detect one in Salford at all, thee'll have to wed a nob lad !"he laughed.

I had a think. Go without, risk whore house or splice a nob. Marrying a nob seemed adept idea.

I had a think and thought nobs hung out at Queens Hotel so that's where I went, they had Dinner fare outside. and it were just after noon so I thought I would own a morsel to eat. Now I ent thick or nowt but I couldn't make head or nates o menu so I thought I woud ask waiter. Turns out they has dinner party at tea time and noon time was tiffin. Anyroad I had a feed.

managing director derive up to me and asked me stage business,"Looking for a nob to get hitched with,"I said,"Posh bint like, got to be utter mind."

He got faulty end of stick and suggested a couple of lady of pleasure home.

"Nay I want a cleaning woman for keeps see, If I pay out a mediocre bit and keeps her bloody chained up I have an plus see, not keep forking out for tarts public treasury I gets bloody clap and me cock rots off."

"You can't keep slaves anymore, but there's a chap troll Inkerman Street does a smashing range of chastity rap,"he suggested,"Actually, tween thee and me, that Lord wi his cover to us over there's got more daughters than you can sway a peg at, why not hold him an offering ?"

I looked, some poncy old codger talking to his mates over a splinter of fish and drop o wine that woudn't sustain a bloody Christian church mouse.

"That's ready to hand,"I said giving him a big tip and I sauntered across.

"I hear you got a couplet of daughter to offload like ?"I says straight out.

"And who the blaze are you sir ?"he snapped as he stood to look me,"Have you no decorum."

"What's bloody decorum,"I says,"I ent no house painter I'm bloody Captain bloody Beckinthwaite from bloody Yorkshire and I speaks me bloody mind."

His poncy nob better half was pissing they selves laughing at me,"flavor if its bloody brass you want I'll pay top dollar mark, long as she's virgin, two leg, two limb, couple of bloody mammilla, own teeth, hearing and seeing would be a bonus but long as she can perform in bloody bed I ent that bloody fussed."

"I say George,"one of his couple, a simpering tail end dressed like a right ponce says,"You might well splice off your Emily if you play your cards right."

"I ent playing no bloody cards,"I said,"Hard cash, I knows too many crashing batting order sharps."

"I have never been so insulted sir,"he says, but his mate grabbed his arm.

"George I, think, he'll pay,"this fissure said,"Instead of a demanding a dowry he'll pay you, you know you need the wonga.

"Ah,"he said,"I understand you now, why not come to my theatre directly and meet my girl ?"

His poncy mate warned him not to seem too slap-up but as soon as I said I'd pay their tab he agreed.

The fellow lived a mile or so from hotel, so we hailed a cab. His place needed a lick of paint and the Butler's jacket had seen better days.

"Shall I show the, er, gentleman's gentleman, to the retainer quarters,"bloody sarky Butler smirked.

"No he is a node, Mr '' the bloke explained

"maitre d' Beckintwaite,"I said,"From bloody Yorkshire and speaks me bally judgment. Know thee's bloody place or thee'll find me crashing belt crown of thorns thee bloody ass."

"I beg your pardon,"he said all sarky like,"Sir."

Bloody woman turns up,"By heck you're an ugly cunt,"I says,"hope you ent his bloody girl, thee'd have to pay mesen to pry thee."

"This is my married woman Captain,"bloke says,"Lady McGonnegal."

"No discourtesy like,"I says as she belts me assail the chopper, we her goody hand and half inch long finger nails."Feisty spell ent she ?"

"police chief Beckinthwaite compliments to Court one of our daughters dearest,"the bloke says, I sort of guessed he was Lord McGonnegal, nobleman Mc for short.

"Over my absolutely body,"Lady Mc retorted. I drew me dagger.

"come now we are all friends here,"lord Mc pleaded as his face went a deathly white,"master Beckinthwaite has just returned from a very profitabe adventure in the Americas."

"Bloody nightmare,"I said,"tempest, storm, bloody feast water pump bloody mandrel bloody secretory organ bloody blew and I haven't had a flaming shag in weeks."

"Capain please,"Lady Mc insisted.

"I had a bloody gut full-of-the-moon on't it, blinking merchant vessels lark."I said,"governance is in bloody mining that's what I reckon, high bloody fourth dimension to bloody settle down."

"And you seek to court my daughters ?"Lady Mc asked.

"Bloody shag em more all-fired like,"I said,"Don't mind bloody paying,"I says,"Just as long as I gets her to me self, don't want no filthy bloody pantryman poking on her like thee and he does soon as bloody Lordship'vertebral column 's turned."

Samuel Butler blushed near as red as her Ladyship did, I reckoned I had hit bloody nail on't bloody oral sex, I also reckoned Maker Mc were in on't as well.

Lady Mc knew when to keep back stum so she showed us into parlour."girl,"she says,"Come and cope with police chief er, what is your figure ?"

"Beckinthwaite,"I says,"From Yorkshire."

The first missy were knockout, blonde whisker on her berm, bluing eyes, public square rigged dress showcasing her mammilla, out of my conference, probably been rogered by half the servant, any road her scowled at me.

"This is Philomena my second eldest,"lady Mc explained.

"So who is Mr Beckinthwaite ?"the girl asked.

"Bloody rich and in need of a flaming piece of tail,"I said,"I'm Yorkshire bloody born and bred and I speaks me bloody judgement and you're a lulu and no mistake."

"I speak my intellect too sir and you sir are entirely repulsive,"she explained.

Another visual sensation of fairness followed into the room,"Victoria,"Lady Mc explained,"And my eldest Francis."

Bloody hell, her were no oil picture, well if her was it were by a bloody kid wi a damn hangover. Wi her shortly hair and scowling face if it had n't been for her tit you 'd give thought she were a bloody bloke

"Reet Francis, hedging your blinking bets were you ?"I asked.

"How so ?"Lady Mc asked.

"Couldn't tell if it were a blinking chap or a blooming bint eh, I seen prettier bloody cabin boys, baboons even,"I laughed.

"trade good then we are in agreement Captain,"Francis snapped,"You are equally revolting, is that an mollymawk nest in your whiskers ?"

"Bet bloody suer are a bit thin on bloody ground,"I laughed. She actually looked hurt.

"I have no stake in such matters,"she said.

I thought a bit damn prompt, effective chance her were a bloody virgin, if I blew blinking candle out it wouldn't matter what her bloody human face looked like.

"Well I reckon you might be just what I'm bloody after. I ent fussed about bloody looks all I want's is me damn end away,"I said,"Just as bloody long as you 're a blooming virgin I ‘ ll shag thee and and wed thee and I can't say fairer than that."

"sea captain !"Lord Mc protested.

"Five hundred,"I offered,"Guineas, to look at her off thi bloody manus and put a annulus on her bloody digit, acquire it or leave it."

"We really need the money,"Lady Mc confessed.

"And you expect me to lay with this monster for money ?"Francis demanded.

"I want's a bloody wife lass, not just a bloody tart to shag, someone to front after me bloody planetary house, Cook, uninfected look after bloody kidskin, that sort o thing."I ventured.

"No dissembling of love or affection then ?"she asked.

"No, Bloody bollocks is that, bloody tenderness, I just wants a bloody shag, you wo n't do ripe than that and I shan't bloody offer a flaming gain."I said.

"Good,"she said,"Then I won't need to say no again, the answer headwaiter is no, never."She stormed away in a crashing strop.

"Feisty piece of music ent her ?"I queried,"I got the cash,"I said,"If thee thought I were bloody messing."

nobleman Mc's optic bulged as I showed a air hole to the full of gold.

"Take a glass of wine Captain,"he said,"Perhaps."

"Oh no, no way,"the other daughters insisted and they too rushed away.

"Let her quieten down a minute,"Lord Mc suggested,"I have a squeamish Madeira wine."

"Go on then, I'll have a bloody pint."I said. He gave me about enough to drown a bloody mouse, tight fisted sod.

He had his missus go and sort Francis out.

I heard a ruction,"Get off me !"I heard the little girl objection,"Stop it, stop it mother I would rather die than marry that atrocious man."

"Whats bloody on ?"I asked,"I offered a fair crashing toll, what's wrong wi her."

I stood up and went where the girl went, following the audio up the stairs me hobnail boots clattering on freshly polished oak base, till I got to her bed room.

The female parent were there with two chamber maiden and the housekeeper. poor Francis had her dress off and looked like she been whacked across expression with a dead Melanogrammus aeglefinus. Stunned she were.

All she had on were her corsets and knee length stockings, no knee breeches or naught but showing her privates and dainty creamy second joint.

The mothern and housekeeper grabbed Francis and spread her legs blanket,"Take a flavor police chief,"lady Mc invited with a smirk.

"Get off her you blooming bullies, sodomise off,"I snapped,"I don't her maulered about by the like of you. Go on. Get out."

"But Captain,"Lady Mc replied but the glint of lightness off me dagger blade soon changed her bloody tune,"farewell them, get out, get out."

"Are you about to dispatch me Captain ?"Francis asked.

I kicked the door shut and bolted it.

"No, I'd kill your bloody mother if I was you,"I said as I approached the bed,"Don't eat into lass, I never had to squeeze a fucking wench to roll in the hay me in me crashing life."

She sat on the sharpness of the bed and covered her private parts as I approached.

I knelt down bfore her and gently pulled her hand away. She shuddered. I gave her a minute.

"Don't fret, I'll not hurt thee."I promised and then first I ran me digit gently up her thighs and then I started to part her cunt lips with me digit. It weren't the first time. Her cunt was well used.

"Looks like you been bloody shagging already ?"I announced

"Oh no, of course not,"she insisted,"How can you say such a thing ?"

"Well your bloody maidenhead ‘ s long gone,"I observed,"If thee ent had a flaming bloke I suppose thee's been fucking thee's sen wi a bloody cd then has tha ? Like I caught me crashing sister doing a time or two ?"

"How did you know ?"she demanded.

"I weren't born bloody yesterday,"I explained as I undid me big pirates belt and let me trews fall,"Lashkar-e-Toiba holler it our little bloody secret shall us ?

"Look Captain,"she protested but me fingers were no all-fired stranger to a skirt's slit and wi me thumb on her little nub her tits were getting nice and pointy.

She started breathing heavy

"Bloody fortnight wi out a piece of ass,"I explained,"Can't ask me to stop now lass."I kicked me trews off me boots.

"But Captain,"she protested.

I weren't born yesterday, no good ramming me peter at her, I had to be suttle.

I leaned forward and kissed her neck, her weren't expecting it, so I kissed me way down across her tits and on down to her mound. She sort of wriggled. and gasped. I slid back a bit and kissed me way up her thigh trough I got me tongue in the groove between her lip down there.

"Nooo,"she said but I were not about to be denied. Her twat was getting really moist now so I decided it were now or bloody never and I stood up before aiming me old man at her cunt.

"What's it to be lass, will thee all-fired take me ?"I asked me knob straining like a bloody Mizzen mast in me hand.

Her eyes were the likes of saucers, she said nowt but grasped me node and helped me aim it in her. I pressed a bit and me bloody knob end just shot up her soppin'wet bloody twat like an mainstay up a hawse pipe.It were bloody heaven. right hand in trough me Lucille Ball were banging on her crotch,"What the bloody hell size bloody cd youm been using ?"I asked.

"Oooh maitre d',"she simpered,"That's so, ah,"

"Big ?"I asked."See being blinking fucked ent so bloody bad is it ?"

"Like a big warm supple candela, Surprisingly pleasant,"she agreed,

"So what's it to be lass."I asked,"Wed me or tek brass for the fucking fuck. Once I shot me bloody load in thee its for all-fired life like, if thee can't belly it say now and I'll shoot me bloody loading over thee belly and say no more about it."

"And the money ?"she asked.

"50 ginzo,"I said,"Not bad for shooting me crashing load over thi bloody belly ?"

"Thank you kindly Captain, but shoot away sir,"she insisted,"For I fear you can not throttle yourself and I believe you have a kind center under that blunt Yorkshire exterior."

"Thee want's me to shoot a Cupid's itch of hot mettle up thee then, does thee ?"I asked.

She nodded,"Indeed I do,"she muttered,"So do your worst Captain."

Me balls was bloody crinkling and me cock was bally pounding and suddenly it were too late for damn pullin'out and she was well fucked with me juice pumping in her like a pint of Sir Isaac Newton and Ridley pumping from beer tap.

"How was that then lass ?"I asked when I recovered a bit.

"Surprisingly pleasant Captain,"she chuckled,"Next fourth dimension perhaps you will bathe first so it is less like being ravished by a wild boar."

"Bathe be buggered, I fell in bloody Mersey yesterday,"I explained as I pulled out of her,"Suck me bloody tittup knockout I want's t'fuck thee again. ``

"Only when you have asked me to wed you,"she laughed

"I already did,"I reminded her.

"I think not,"she replied,"But you may take in my teats if it helps to rouse you."And with that she pulled her tits right out of her corset and ordered,"Off with your shirt I wish to feel your manly chest against mine."

"You ent got a manly chest,"I laughed,"Quite the bloody face-to-face,"and I pulled my shirt and vest off and held her stopping point. Our mouths met, our tongues entwined. It do n't matter much what they bloody look like wi your tongue in their gob, so me cock reared and before I knew it we was fucking screw again. Bloody bint was insatiable.

We gave it an hr or so before we went back downstairs. Lord and madam Mc was waiting.

"We're getting wed,"I explained,"If you're agreeable like ?"

"Absolutely old chap, congratulations,"Lord Mc chortled,"Let us take in the fight announced in Lancashire evening post.

"sodomite that I'm a bloody sea maitre d'hotel, '' I explained,"We can nip down bloody harbor and I can do bloody man and wife, no bloody need to waste fucking organisation on bloody vicars. In fact we can bloody do it now."

Anyway her wanted her day in church building so we're getting wed official like, and do you know after we fucked a metre or two her started smiling at me and her looks quite bloody comely if you squints a bit and the lights behind her. But at end of all-fired day its what they fucks like what matter and she's bloody champion and no mistake, even if she do come from blinking Lancashire .