Howdy family, my name is Wendell Buford, and I live in a short town name of batrachian whistle, Arkansas, with my widdered Ma, Turdus philomelos Buford, and my sister Priscilla. Now, folks is always sayin'to me, `` Wendell, you ai n't the sharpest tool in the shed, are you ? '' but I reckon I got me a sixth form instruction and I can lift all sort o'labored stuff, so I cai n't complain, 'cause I reckon I get on okay.

Now like I said, my Ma is a widder, on account o'my daddy got himself runned over by a tractor when I was just a picayune electric shaver. Yep, 'parently it was a one C 65 horsepower John Deere with a exponent take-off attachment, and I reckon you gon na get yourself run down by a tractor it may as well be a finely spell o'American engineerin'like that there, but I guess that were n't much consolation to my daddy, 'cause Bible is he never even saw it comin', which may bear had a lot to do with a few shots of Vergil Tatum 's edible corn hard liquor under his smash. See, folks around here is always sayin'you get a bang or two of old Virgil 's jungle juice 'cross yer chest, and you 'd be doin'good if you could discern a wholly team o'bull elephants in the ruttin'time of year, even if you was lookin'fer 'em. Anyway, after we lost my daddy, my Ma brung Priscilla and me up all on her lonesome, but I reckon she done okay at it.

Now my Ma 's got a beginning cousin called Abe Driscoll, but I always call him Uncle Abe 'cause he 's been like a uncle to me my whole comport solar day. Uncle Abe lives in a cabin up there in the hills a ways out of Town, with my first cousin Betsy-Jo and my Granma McCutcheon. Now, you see'ol'Uncle Abe 's been widdered himself, 'cause my Aunt gull died of the consumption way back when I was so young I cai n't hardly think her, so after she passed, Granma McCutcheon moved in with Uncle Abe so 's she could help out with raisin'up Betsy-Jo.

Now bein'if Uncle Abe is my ma 's first cousin, then technically that makes him my second cousin-german, but like I said, he 's just like a uncle to me, but I guess that means Betsy-Jo is really my third gear cousin, but family line do n't go puttin'too many turn on things like that out this way. Anyways, bein'cousins, Betsy-Jo and me was real close as kids. We played together, we run together, we fought together, we wrassled together, we fished together, topic of fact, most anything two child can do together, I reckon we done it together, 'cause like I said, we was real close.

Now, Sojourner Truth is I guess Granma McCutcheon and me ai n't really related by blood, but out where we hails from, family is family, so I just promise her Granma. Matter of fact, I reckon if I called her by anything else she 'd whale my tail with that big black skillet of hers, so I reckon I 'll just go along on callin'her Granma fer the duration, 'cause it 's safer that way. You see, Granma McCutcheon got herself widdered too when she was real young, and I reckon life 's been laborious fer her, and it 's done took its toll, 'cause she can be a little testy. In fact, sayin'she was downright crotchety would n't be putting'too lots exaggeration on it. Old Uncle Abe is always sayin'you just got ta lookout yer p 's and q 's around Granma, and that may be so, but I reckon there 's a whole lotta other letters in that there alphabet you wan na be keeping a rattling close eye on too, 'cause like I said, it do n't conduct much.

Another matter about Granma McCutcheon, she learned herself how to be a doctor a few geezerhood back. You see, we ai n't had a regular medico troll these parts fer a long time but ol'Mr Winthrop, the county vet, is usually more'n felicitous to tend to any complaint as folks comes along with, even though he learned his doctorin'trade wind on animals and farm animal, but when he 's got a drunk on he can be a little arduous to get a detainment of. So, Granma McCutcheon figured she could get wind doctorin'and take up the slack. Way she done it, she learned herself doctorin'out of a book she got on mail rules of order, called, `` Fresnel 's checkup Almanac. '' She 's been doctorin'in her spare time fer a few geezerhood now, and I reckon she can furbish up up there with the practiced of 'em these twenty-four hour period. She even throws in a full divine service, and gives folks a barren tea-leaf readin'after their doctorin'academic term is done. So, that 's all about Granma McCutcheon, straight up.

Anyway, this here report starts a agency back one time when I was stayin'over at Uncle Abe 's place, so 's I could help with the shingles on the ceiling. We was up on that roof all mornin', and it was gettin'powerful hot up there, so Uncle Abe said we ought to receive ourselves a piece. So me and Uncle Abe clumb down off of the roof, and Uncle Abe went to the kitchen to pee-pee himself a pot of java, and that left me all on my lonesome.

Now, one matter about fixin'shake, it always puts me in the temper fer wrasslin', so I went off to look fer Betsy-Jo. Now that might sound foreign, bein'Betsy 's a girl and all, but I done whooped all the former feller around these persona and Betsy 's awful strong fer a girl and she 's whooped most of 'em herself, so she gives me More of a challenge when we goes in fer wrasslin'together, so that 's why I went lookin'fer her. I knew Betsy 'd be off in the woods someplace, making pets of them wild critters like she does, so that 's where I went lookin'fer her.

I done looked all over them Wood but I could n't find Betsy-Jo no place, so I went back a unlike way, past the old swimmin'yap, where Betsy-Jo and me used to go skinny dippin'. We had n't done no cheeseparing dippin'fer a long while, but when I got closer I could hear Betsy-Jo a-splashin'around in the swimmin'hole, and talkin'to them wild critters like they was gon na talk justly back to her, but I could n't see nothin''cause there was a whole lotta bushes 'twixt me and the swimmin'mess. I found a gap in them Vannevar Bush, and I stuck my heading through. I was about to call out to Betsy-Jo to see if she was up fer some wrasslin', but what I seen gave me a big surprise.

Now, it were n't no storm to see Betsy-Jo in her birthday suit, on account of that 's how kinfolk garb when they 's a skinny-dippin', but what plumb took me by surprise was how different Betsy looked since the last time I seen her like that. She was all rounded out and bosomy lookin'and them titties of hers was like two grapefruit hangin'off of her pectus, only they was n't really hangin', it was more like they was pointin'straight ahead at me, and down where her prick woulda been if she was a fella, there was this trigon of gold coloured haircloth. topic of fact it was Betsy-Jo first told me girls ai n't got peckerwood, back when we went skinny-dippin'the number one time.

I remember she shucked off her apparel that commencement fourth dimension we went skinny-dippin', and I looked at her and I said, `` Betsy-Jo ! What happened to yer pecker ? '' and she said, `` Do n't you be silly Wendell. young lady ai n't got dick. ''

'' Well, '' I said, `` how do y'all pee ? '' drive I really wanted to know how a organic structure could pee without no pecker, and Betsy-Jo said, `` Easy, Wendell, we just scrunch up down and do it care a lady. '' Then she said, `` Only affair is I cai n't indicate you how we do it on account of Granma McCutcheon tol'me it ai n't undecomposed manners to squat down and pee in figurehead of kinsfolk. She said y'all got to waitress till their backs is turned and do it when they ai n't lookin .'''

Well, I said, `` That 's o.k., Betsy. I know what y'all looking like, and I know what squattin'down looks like, and I know what peein'looks like, so if I put them four things together in my head, I reckon I know what you squattin'down to pee looks like, '' and Betsy-Jo said, `` See Wendell, you ai n't nowhere near as silly as folk 's always sayin'. ''

Anyway, that was way back, but this especial day, I was so plum surprised at how dissimilar Betsy-Jo was lookin'that when I tried to holler out to see if she was up fer some wrasslin', it was like my throat was all dry and squeezed out of cast, and there were n't no sound comin'out. I swallowed some spittle to wet my pharynx again, and I took me a breather to bug out hollerin', but I heard Granma McCutcheon back at the cabin. She was hollering herself that lunch was on the table and how it ai n't gon na eat itself, so we better get ourselves back there else the hogg is gon na be eatin'up big today.

Well, one thing I like better than wrasslin', and that 's eatin', so I high-tailed it back to the cabin fer some of Granma McCutcheon 's possum grits and hog jowl, with a side of cookie. I reckon I was already on arcsecond when Betsy-Jo got back with her clothes on.

Me an'Uncle Abe never got back up on that cap that day, but the next day we was up there nigh of the mornin', finishin'off them shingles and when that was done we tended to a few early task needed doin'about the place, and then it was time fer to a greater extent of Granma McCutcheon 's home base cookin'. After we finished lunch, Uncle Abe went out to the front porch to set on the two seater swingin'chair with a pot of chocolate, and Betsy-Jo went back into the woods to meet with her critters again. Then Granma McCutcheon went out to boil up some lye scoop, and that left me all on my lonesome again.

That belly full of Granma McCutcheon 's phalanger puree and sow belly with Brassica rapa jet was Makin'me feel like I could use a piddling nap, so I done laid down on Uncle Abe 's big ol'bed, and I laid there a mite, thinkin'about stuff and nonsense in my head teacher. I got to thinkin'about yesterday, and how different Betsy-Jo was lookin'over at the swimmin'yap. I was thinkin'about them titties of hers, eyeballin'me like they was, and how she turned her back to me to walk out the other side of the swimmin'mess, and I remembered that her seat was all curved out like some kinda prize-winnin'pumpkin at the county fair. Then, all of a sudden, I realised that my pecker was gettin'all swoll up. well, first gear thing I thought, I must own got bit on the pecker by a snake, 'cause I could n't think of no former reason fer my pecker to get all swoll up like that. I looked around, but I could n't see no snake anywhere, but I remembered something Uncle Abe told me one day about what to do if you ever get bit on the leg by a Snake River.

Uncle Abe told me if y'all ever get bit on the leg by a snake, you got to get this here thing called a, `` torny-kay, '' and put it on yer leg, so 's the poisonous substance do n't go spreadin', else that leg 's gon na settle right off. Well, I sure did n't desire my pecker fallin'off cause I 'd have to squat down to pee like a girl so I looked around, but I could n't see nothin'to use fer a torny-kay. I was real certain I did n't want that toxicant spreadin', but I did n't deliver no torny-kay to put on my pecker, so I got me a notion to squeeze on my peckerwood so 's it would n't spread nowhere, so, I squeezed real hard on my pecker.

Well, my pecker was swoll up hard as hickory tree by now, but when I squeezed on it, it kind of felt proficient, so I squeezed a footling harder and it felt a niggling better. Well, it seemed that the harder I squeezed, the better it felt, and then I got this other notion to rub on it while I was squeezin'on it. fountainhead, I started rubbin'on my peckerwood while I was a squeezin'on it, and that felt even better than just squeezin'on it did, so next thing I knew, I was rubbin'and squeezin', and squeezin'and rubbin', and it just felt better'n, full'n better, and before long, it felt so good I took to breathin'real surd, too.

wellspring, I was a-layin'there on Uncle Abe 's bed, squeezin'on my pecker, and rubbin'on my pecker, and huffin'and puffin'while I was squeezin'and a- rubbin', and I reckon I was breathin'so surd I musta sounded like that big ol'steam locomotive engine over there at the baseball bat manufactory, and it just kept feelin'break and better all the clip. Then, somethin'powerful strange happened, do all that rubbin'and squeezin'on my pecker felt so sound I just did n't know what was going on, and it felt almost too good, and all of a sudden, I thought I pissed myself.

I laid there a minute, wondering what just happened, and I looked down at my jeans and there was a big wet patch on the nominal head, so I looked inside and there was all this white-hot goo come out of the end of my neb. Now I was actual dash, 'cause I remembered the ophidian again, and I figured it must have been the poison makin'all that white material come out of my bill. Then I remembered somethin'else Uncle Abe done told me about when you get bit on the leg by a snake. He said that if you ever get bit on the leg by a snake you improve get some doctorin'veridical quick.

well, I remembered Granma McCutcheon goes in fer doctorin'in her supernumerary clip, so I jumped up and ran out the back, hollerin'fer Granma McCutcheon to help me. I was hollerin', `` Granma ! Granma ! I need yer assist ! I done been bit on the pecker by a snake, and it got all swoll up. I squeezed on it to stop the poison from spreadin'so 's my peter would n't fall off and all this here while material come out the end of my beak, and I need yer help Granma ! ''

I ran around to the back yard and Granma McCutcheon was stirrin'up a big pot of lye soap. I said, `` Granma ! You got ta help me. A snake done bit me on the pecker and I squeezed on it to stop the poison and Edward D. White stuff come out the end of my peter and I need you to do some doctorin'on me 'cause I do n't want my dick fallin'off or I 'll have to scrunch down to pee like a young woman ! ''

Granma McCutcheon stopped her stirrin', and she hollered, `` What in the blue blazes is got into you boy ? ''

I said, `` Granma ! I think a snake bit me on the pecker grounds it got all swoll up ! I squeezed on it to bar the toxicant spreadin'and blanched hooey come out the end. I think the poisonous substance 's done somethin'to my pecker so I need you to do some o'your doctorin'on it ! ''

Granma McCutcheon laid the stirrin'spoon against the inside of the pot and she walked over to me, and she said, `` Wendell, you are a special kind of dolt ! ''

I said, `` Thanks Granma, but I need assistance with my pecker, not compliments. ''

Granma McCutcheon looked down at the figurehead of my blue jean, and she shook her head, and she said, `` Wendell, ai n't cipher ever learned you about the birds and the bees ? ''

I said, `` Granma, this ai n't no time fer talking about insects and flyin'critters. I need help with my pecker ! ''

Granma McCutcheon said, `` No, Wendell, what I 'm tryin'to say is, ai n't your Ma never told you the facts of life ? ''

Now I was real confused, cause only facts I ever knowed about was what 's in them 'cyclopaedia ledger my Ma keeps on the bureau in the parlour room, so I said, `` Granma, I do n't bang what yer talkin'about but I need assistant with my pecker rattling bad. I think a Hydra done bit it and it might fall off. ''

Well, Granma reached up and she grabbed me by the ear, and she walked around to the front of the cabin, and I followed her 'cause there ai n't often else you can do when Granma McCutcheon 's got you by the ear like that. We got around to Uncle Abe, settin'on the two-seater swingin'chair on the front porch, and he stood up, and he said, `` Granma, what 's goin'on ? This boy been sassin'you again ? I done told you before, Wendell, you go sassin'yer Granma and she 's probably to get ornery actual quick. That 's a face of her you oughta stay right away from if you can. ''

Granma McCutcheon let me go by the ear and she said, `` No, Abe, it ai n't nothin'like that at all. Seems as how nonentity ai n't never state this boy where child comes from. And bein'you 're the man of this house, that 's somethin'that falls on your shoulders. ''

Uncle Abe sat back down and said, `` Well, Granma, I 'd be powerful proud to take on that responsibleness. Then he said, `` Wendell, '' and he patted the behind future to him on the swingin'chair. I sat down, but I was kinda disordered 'cause Uncle Abe do n't do no doctorin', and Uncle Abe said to Granma McCutcheon, `` So if y'all excuse us, Granma, me and Wendell is goin'to have us a tenacious talk. ''

Granma McCutcheon turned and walked around the back. I heard her mutterin'somethin'about, `` biggest dolt I ever did see, '' so I knew she was talkin'about me cause `` dolt '' is a kinda pet figure she sometimes has fer me.

Well me and Uncle Abe sat there on that swingin'chairperson that day, and we had us a long talk like he said. He told me all sort of very interestin'stuff about peckers, and ladies, and how beak and madam goes together, and how when a chap and a noblewoman gets to likin'each other a whole lot in a fussy kinda way, a gent 's nib gets all hard and swoll up like mine was when I thought a snake in the grass bit it. He said a gentlewoman 's got this special place 'twixt her pegleg, and when the fella and the dame gets to likin'each former a whole lot like that, and the gent'pecker gets all swoll up and hard, the fella puts his tool inside the ma'am 's special lieu and he goes into sawin'on it, and it feels real effective for both of 'em.

He said that when yer pecker gets all swoll up, it 's called a `` ee-rection, '' and puttin'yer pecker inside a madam 's extra post feel a hundred time better than just squeezin'on it like I done, and that White material that comes out the end is like a man 's seeded player. He said that ma'am 's got eggs up inside of 'em, and when that cum gets on them eggs it turns them into a babe and that 's where babies comes from. farming sakes ! Who would of thought baby come out of eggs ?

Uncle Abe told me the proper name for that Theodore Harold White clobber that comes out the end of your pecker is called, `` cum, '' but some folks call it, `` jism, '' even though, `` cum, '' is the word that polite kinsfolk use. `` Matter of fact, '' he said, `` you can severalize a lot about the way a man 's been brought up by gettin'him to talk about what comes out the end of his pecker. '' He said, `` If he calls it, 'jism ,'y'all know he ai n't been well brought up and you probably need to be careful of him from then on. ''

Uncle Abe told me that puttin'your pecker up inside a lady 's special place like that is called, `` makin'dear, '' and just hearing them two words together like that, `` makin', '' and, `` erotic love, '' made it legal real peculiar. He said that sometimes folks want to, `` make love, '' and get them real good feelin 's, but they do n't want no baby comin'along, so the fellow goes to the drug store and buys this here thing called a, `` rubberjohnny, '' and he puts it over the end of his pecker so 's the cum do n't go up inside the lady and get all over her eggs.

Uncle Abe told me that there 's some ruler about which Lady 's special place a fella can put his pecker in. He said, `` right field away, sisters are out. You cai n't put your pecker in your baby 's special lieu, '' but then he said, `` Truth be told, though, some folks around these parts is a mite perfunctory about that normal. '' Then he said, `` Likewise, your Ma. You cai n't put your tool inside your Ma 's particular place, neither, cause that 's agin the ruler, too. Same goes for your aunt, and close first cousin. ''

Uncle Abe said, `` thing of fact, you ai n't supposed to pass water fuck with any of your blood kin, '' but he kind of scratched on his shuck a mite and he said, `` But come to suppose of it, there ai n't no formula say you cai n't do it with your grandmother. '' He must have seen the look on my face lawsuit for a moment I was picturin'Granma McCutcheon out there in the back yard, stirrin'up her lye soap, and he considered on it a beat or two, and said, `` You know, Wendell, it takes all kinds to make this creation, but I reckon a man could go a awful long drive 'fore he come across too many fellas that 's got any kinda hankerin'to make sleep with with their granma. ''

Anyway, old Uncle Abe done such a ticket job of explainin'to me all about prick and ladies that day that when he asked me if I had any doubtfulness, only one that come to mind was I said, `` Uncle Abe, what do they telephone that there special place twixt the lady 's legs ? ''

Uncle Abe said, `` Well, Wendell, it goes by all kind of figure, all depends who yer talkin'to, and some of them names ai n't really fit fer civilized company. '' He considered on it some, and he said, `` Medical folks, they call it the, 'angina ,'but the public figure you 'll most commonly hear it called by is, 'the pussy. ''

'' The pussy ? '' I said, `` Now why in the world would folks go calling it after a little ol'pussy cat ? ''

Now, Uncle Abe has been around some, and I think he 'd even been outside of anuran whistle once or twice, and he looked at me, gave me one of them smile says he was a man of the mankind, and he said, `` crusade, Wendell, if you treat it right, it 'll purr like a kitten. ''

I said, `` How do y'all deal it right, Uncle Abe ? ''

He said, `` Well, before you go puttin'yer beak inside a gentlewoman 's pussy like that, she likes y'all to kinda fondle it a trivial, you know, real gentle like. That kinda gets her in the mood for you to poke yer shaft in there and pop out sawin'on it. '' He paused, like he was Tarawa-Makin'for sure I was payin'attention, and he leaned in a little and said, `` But the better way to treat a lady 's kitty-cat rightfulness is to get up close and personal with it, hand it a little kissin', and bit o'lickin'. ''

'' Lickin'? '' I said, `` How can y'all go lickin'down there where she pees ? ''

Uncle Abe said, `` That 's the strangeness of it boy. I know it do n't sound veracious putting your knife down there, but a Lady 's kitty-cat is the cherubic thing y'all are ever gon na mouthful, and once you smelt one, you ai n't never gon na be the same again. '' I figured for moment Uncle Abe was only joshin'about lickin'down there on a noblewoman 's special place, but he said, `` I ai n't jokin', Wendell. You just hold back and see. ''

So after Uncle Abe was all finished learnin'me all about peckers and ladies, he said, `` Now, Wendell, I want y'all to remember that there ai n't no reason to be ashamed of yer woodpecker going all backbreaking and swoll up like that. It means you 've growed into a man, and you should be proud of that there tool o'yours. ''

I said, `` okeh Uncle Abe, next time it gets all swoll up I 'm gon na be real proud of it. ''

Anyway, me and Uncle Abe finished up our long public lecture, and I walked away knowin'I was now a man, with a pecker that could swell up fit to raid. I reckoned it would n't be too long 'fore I 'd gather me a lady that liked me in that particular way and she 'd be wantin'me to put my peckerwood up there inside her special place and lease to sawin'on it. Later on that afternoon, I was thinkin'about ladies and peckers again, and future thing I knowed, my pecker was all swoll up again, only this time instead of being scared it was gon na fall off, I was compensate proud of it.

I reckoned Granma McCutcheon 'd be right proud of me too if I went out and showed her, so I went into the kitchen with my denim all poked out from my swoll up pecker, and I said, `` Look at me Granma ! I 'm a man ! wait how hard my pecker 's gone ! ''

fountainhead, I reckon Granma musta been in one of her ornery mood that day, 'cause she took one look at me and grabbed her big black skillet, and said, `` Wendell, you put that durn thing away 'fore hit you 'round the head with this skillet so hard, by the meter you remember what it 's ripe fer, you 'll be too old to use it. ''

wellspring, I ran out the kitchen real quick, 'cause I seen in the past how handy Granma McCutcheon is with that skillet of hers, and then I considered on it for a piece, and I reckoned that it must be 'cause she ai n't got no fella to put his pecker in her special place no more, so maybe prick is a sore distributor point with her when they 's a-swoll up like that.

So that there 's the level of how I got learned all about shaft and ma'am by my Uncle Abe. I ai n't found me a dame yet that wants to, `` make love, '' with me, but now that I got me a sixth grade education, I reckon I 'm one of them, `` eligible unmarried man, '' folks talk about, and pretty soon there 'll be ladies linin'up for me to pop into sawin'on 'em, so I 'll just bide my time.

So, y'all just remember, come back rattling soon, ya hear ?