An old taradiddle reprised.

Note All characters are entirely ficticious and my apologies of any phratry or company names have inadvertently been used


My Lady 's Descent, the pantryman Tale.


I was idly cleaning some silverware. The sun was shining through the drawing elbow room window. The lawns stretched away towards the lake with its island and folly while a nurseryman snipped ineffectually away at the lawn edges. It was an ordinary summers day.

Mr George Harrison my lord 's stock broker and advisor arrived just after luncheon, he asked no demanded to see my Lady with the furthest urgency.

'' But sir, my peeress is resting, '' I explained, knowing she was most probably with one police lieutenant Carruthers her former dalliance.

I went to seek her, I went upstairs to her room and knocked decorously, and then as one does I listened intently.

'' Oh yes, '' she was gasping, `` Oh that 's sooo good, do n't stop. ``

'' There 's individual knocking, '' a man 's voice hissed.

'' Mr Harrison wishes an audience my peeress, '' I explained through the close door.

'' Then have him wear a funny wig and appear at the Adelphi ! '' the man joked.

'' Johnny Reb, '' my lady whispered, `` Look its Gerald 's banker, I had better go, '' and she shouted `` Just a moment ! ''

Amazingly quickly my Lady appeared at the door, a vision of golden ringlet and vermillion chiffon, spoiled only by smeared lipstick.

'' My Lady, '' I explained, `` Your lip spliff ? ``

'' Oh, '' she said, `` Do n't be so doomed impertinent ! '' but she still looked in the mirror and repaired the damage with a napkin.

'' Good crack, mums the word ? '' Carruthers said as he followed her from the room while smoothing his cricket jersey down and taking his billfold from his flannel cricket trousers he tucked a ten Ugandan shilling note in my top air hole, `` See myself out, stake way. '' and he slipped away, the very prototype of a waiting area lizard, or should that be linger snake.

I left him to his deception and deception, no question the regiment thought he was elsewhere, perhaps he was at cricket and had himself bowled out to give up half an hour for cuckolding but perhaps his enormous ego would not allow him to seem less than a superman at the crease but he was certainly most despicable of my gentlewoman 's fondness.

My noblewoman swept downstairs, `` Mister Harrison, what a pleasant surprise ! '' she simpered.

'' I fear not peeress Saltcoats, '' he said, `` Can we speak privately ? ``

'' The subject field is available my lady, '' I suggested.

'' He means bugger off Holdford ! '' my noblewoman hissed.

'' Alford my lady, '' I corrected, `` Certainly my Lady. ``

'' Go on then ! '' she hissed and she ushered me away.

I went to the kitchen, I sat on my crapper, Mrs Bridge the cook stood at the sink, `` Trouble Mr Alford ? '' she asked.

I looked at her, with child breasted, one shot shouldered and old before her clip, `` None of our concern Mrs Bridges, '' I said using the courtesy statute title of Mrs despite the fact she had never married and was likely a virgin, with trivial panorama of losing that distinction.

'' If you say so sir ! '' she said sarcastically.

I let it go and then suddenly my Lady shouted `` No ! ``

I stood and rushed to the discipline and flung the door widely. My lady was aghast, but stood railway yard from Sir Rex Harrison, `` No, it can not be so ! '' she cried.

'' What have you done sir ? '' I demanded, `` My lady is overwrought ! ``

'' Not I, '' he said, `` I accept no blame. ``

'' For what ? '' I asked.

'' Lord Saltcoats has been declared insolvent, '' President Benjamin Harrison explained, `` Receivers have been appointed, my Creator has seven calendar solar day to countermand these assumption, meanwhile all bank news report are wintry. ``

'' What do you mean ? '' I demanded.

'' household account, all that sort of thing, '' he explained, `` It 's the stock market, and reinsurance, senior high finance, you would n't understand. ``

I should birth hit him for his insult, but how was he to get it on my straight character ? Instead I congratulated myself on blending so subtly into the material of the commonwealth house.

'' There will be some residue surely, the London residence ? '' I asked.

'' Mortgaged, '' he said, `` And remortgaged, indebtedness vastly exceed the assets. ``

'' Then why let this encounter ! '' I queried.

'' None of your business, '' he said, `` But I had no thought, none at all, I merely get by his lordship 's investment portfolio, of course of action we made heavy losses, but no Sir Thomas More than anyone else, to a lesser extent than many, it 's not my error he started meddling in indemnity, none at all ! ``

'' What does it mean, where will we go ! '' my gentlewoman demanded.

The telephone rang, in an automatic reflex I went to the entrance hall to answer it.

'' Rainsford sign of the zodiac, Lord Saltcoats residence, '' I answered automatically.

'' Alford, is that Alford ? '' someone demanded.

'' Indeed, '' I agreed.

'' right field look its Ted Griggs here, '' he said, `` His Lordship 's London chauffeur, I got some bad news. ''

'' Indeed ? '' I queried.

'' Look tell Mrs bridge that noble Saltcoats, has disappeared, '' he said.

'' Disappeared, no he 's gone bankrupt. '' I said.

'' Well I dropped him off at capital of Seychelles around ten o'clock this morning and they said to go home when I got back, I reckon he legged it to French Republic on the figure de prostitute, '' he meant the Golden arrow power train, `` What do you mean smash ? '' he demanded, `` Oh damn, I ai n't got no more pennies tell Mrs Harry Bridges, '' he said after the phone pinged and suddenly it went deadened Brrrrrrr.

'' It seems his lordship has left left us, '' I said as I returned.

'' Only properly thing, '' Rex Harrison agreed, `` Gun or noose ? ``

'' The geartrain ferryboat to France ! '' I corrected.

'' Oh the totality SOB ! '' my lady cried.

'' Indeed my dame, '' I agreed and I slipped away.

Generally private use of his lordship 's phone was grounds for moment judgment of dismissal but I no longer cared, and throwing caution to the breaking wind I booked a phone call to my bank building in Liverpool where they were keeping my `` Family Silver, '' in their safety deposit.

'' Alford ! '' my lady protested when she saw me at the telephone when I should have shown Mr Harrison out, but I ignored her.

She flew at me afterwards, `` How daring you ! '' she said, `` Collect your thing you are dismissed forthwith ! ``

'' And how shall you pay me what you owe ? '' I demanded, `` You can not. ``

'' I can discount you with nothing ! '' she said, `` No payment, no reference, no character ! ``

'' Indeed ? '' I queried, `` Well perhaps you can pay me. ``

'' No ! engage your things and go ! '' she said.

'' Perhaps you could pay me the way you pay Lieutenant Carruthers and a few more I might mention ! '' I suggested.

'' No, Rape ! '' she wailed and she rushed towards her room.

I followed, I caught her at the doorway and pushed her inside pausing only to bolt the door.

'' No ! '' she said, `` Well at to the lowest degree let me unmake the lure, this toll an absolute lot. ``
'' Of course, '' I said, `` Allow me. ``

She sat on the bed as I unfastened her attire, `` Be careful, '' she pleaded and then she stood and it fell around her feet.

Her well rounded bosom bulged over her red corset, her red knickers enclosed by the suspender strap, and she stood up and laid the apparel carefully on the dresser.

'' That 's better, '' she said and she screamed, `` Brassica napus, '' again several times.

'' Ot would come out the US cavalry is otherwise engaged my lady, '' I observed as I removed my highly polish up disastrous skid to reveal well worn black windsock with protruding big toes, which I hurriedly removed, `` Energy Lieutenant Carruthers off his shirt and under shirt lady ? '' I asked.

'' No, though it is none of your occupation, '' she declared, `` Rape ! '' she shouted again.

I removed my jacket and shirt figurehead, slipped the composition board arrest off and removed my undershirt.

'' Good lord, '' she gulped, `` Alford, '' and then I unbuttoned my rainfly and removed trousers and underpants in a I motion.

'' God, you are pleased to see me are n't you ! '' she exclaimed as she gazed at my humanity as it strained, `` Right, '' she said as she snapped her brace away from her stockings and pushed her bloomers down before kicking them off her feet.

'' colza, '' she shouted again and then, `` Oh well, you wo n't hurt me will you, and there are some johnny 's in the dressing table.

'' They spoil the moment my gentlewoman, '' I explained, `` I shall mount you as the respectable lord intended. ``

It was nearly a week since my finish nighttime off, spent with two buxom fancy woman in the town a wearisome ten recollective international mile away by bicycle, and my pauperization was great, and her dissent were little but tokens.

'' Do n't hurt me, '' she asked again as I gripped her waist as I planted my stifle firmly between hers and blindly aimed my manhood at her.

'' Hey, '' she said, `` Not there, let me, '' and she guided my straining manhood between her unseen cunt mouth and took me to heaven.

'' Do something then, '' she insisted.

'' What ? '' I asked as I luxuriated in the look of her moist cunt gripping me.

'' I do n't fuck, but it 's not very exciting for me. '' she declared.

I thrust against her, `` advantageously ? '' I asked.

'' a great deal ! '' she said, `` And again, that 's better, '' she said, `` Oh you 're so big, '' she said, `` Fuck me, you 're going to prison for this so enjoy yourself ! ``

I started to think of her as a whore, a beautiful golden haired heights grade tart, and then I remembered the smudge lipstick and I determined to sample her lips as well and I dipped my mouth to fondle hers.

Her tongue emerged instantly, running around my dentition, my mind exploded and so did my cock jerking and pumping and flooding her component, and as our mouth parted she was gasping and muttering, `` Oh my god, '' she said and then we stilled.

'' Alford, '' she said, `` What are we going to do ? ``,

'' What ? '' I asked.

'' If we 're bankrupt '' she said, `` What are we going to do ? ``

'' What is this `` We'suddenly ? '' I asked.

'' Well, what is it to be Alford, rape or 'we', '' she asked quite reasonably.

'' We, '' I said, `` My gentlewoman. ``

`` I expect Gerald has, '' she said quietly, `` He wo n't front ruin, he knows I only want his money, I never loved him. ``

'' And the dashing deputy ? '' I enquired.

'' He makes me feel right, '' she said, `` But then to be honest, so do you. ''

She stretched, `` So what is it to be, a nice cold cellphone or me ? ``

'' What a choice, may I have a moment to think my Lady ? '' I asked.

'' Get dressed, we have appearances to preserve, '' she insisted and she went to dress again.

I too dressed and made my way downstairs, there was a hubbub of part in the kitchen, I went in, `` Mr Alford, or is it My Lord. '' Binks the head gardener challenged.

'' Mr Binks, '' I replied, `` What troubles you ? ``

'' You and her ladyship, '' he said.

'' She 's finished, '' I said, `` We 're finished, his lordship 's insolvent, the bailiffs are coming so I 'm leaving. ``

'' And ladyship, '' Mrs bridge circuit asked.

'' Do n't ask me, '' I insisted.

'' She 's leaving with Mr Alford, '' her ladyship said as she came to brook behind me, `` Tonight. ``

I had no intention of leaving so soon yet there was picayune point in remaining, `` We need to peach, '' I explained.

'' We 'll get a hotel room, '' she suggested, `` Do you drive ? ``

'' Yes, '' I agreed.

'' Then we 'll demand the Rolls, '' she insisted, `` The shooting brake ! ``

We left that same even, her baggage stowed in every spare distance it that immense crudely overbodied charade of a luxury car so full that she had to sit beside me, and we made our way north.

'' What will you do ? '' I asked.

'' What do you paint a picture ? '' she replied.

'' Well I doubt cooking or cleaning is to your taste, '' I suggested, `` Whore, prostitute, courtesan ? ``

'' Yes, '' she agreed, `` I have some money, perhaps we could get a room ? ``

'' Perhaps, but for now, '' I suggested, `` lady Alford and her Chauffeur ? ``

'' Separate beds ? '' she asked, `` I 'll call you Alan ! ``

'' One for sleeping and one for work ! '' I joked.

I could n't trust her, I never really intended for her to become a whore but could not take chances telling her the truth, maybe I should have, but I didn't.

You see three years before my father had made arrangements for me to play in the United States of America, to learn about the American English system of rules of banking which seemed so greatly higher-ranking to ours, and while there the great clash of 1929 erupted through the unharmed economic system.
I was working at a medium size city money box as a variety of supporter manager, and I was right there when the run came, and when it came it all seemed to happen all at once.

Ordinary people, steady folks waited in a melody right down the street and you did n't want to be a genius to work out we had not even a one-tenth of the money those hoi polloi thought they had in their accounts to pay them. We started paying out in the morning and by high noon the vault was vacate, except that is an innocuous composition board box of big value bank note which somehow found their way in my locker, for safe keeping you understand.

Ted Adams chief bank clerk and Jim McFadden the handler came down the money box hall all glum faced, `` Shut the doors Jim, '' McFadden said to the guard, `` We 're gone broke. ``

That triggered a near riot, I slipped out the back way with my box and in all the confusion I swapped my twenty dollar bill seven Buick for the janitor 's bicycle and coat and I rode off down the street on that bicycle with about a half million dollars in that cardboard box balanced on the hybrid bar.

I went to the apartment I rented, told Mrs Rafferty the concierge I was leaving and I headed north west towards New House of York City on the evening train.

So what do you do when you have half a million dollars of mortal else 's cash ? Why get a job of course.

Except the world and his brother was looking for a job, so I bought some furniture, put my box in a sideboard, had it crated and arranged loading to England on the RMS Mauretania and I sailed home 2nd class.
I had my crate put in storehouse and looked for a job, told dad I was still in the State Department, changed my name to Alford and forged some citation and worked in Liverpool until I fancied some country air and her ladyship took me on as Butler.

She knew my references were forged, she thought she could sack me any clip and that would keep me in line and stop me telling her husband about her lovers.

But now I had half a million dollars to drop, without being noticed.

We found a decent little apartment, it was over a betting shop in the Harrow Road, the estate agent had century of vacuous properties, we could consume our pick.

She had delivery, we pawned some of her jewellery, we painted the apartment, bought beds furniture, I had my hooey from Liverpool sent over and we worked like a real team.

Then when we were all prepare to open I told her my design, `` Look, '' I said one evening after a particularly long and gruelling school term in bed.

'' I know, Mister flopsy is tired, he needs a kiss, '' she said as she bent to kiss my moderate penis.

'' My lady, you do n't take to slumber with anyone, except me, '' I explained, '' I have about half a million clam to launder, you just say an eccentric American paid you in dollars. ``

'' But Alan, '' she said, `` We agreed, we did all the work, we were going to get a maid, start belittled, build up, two or three gentleman a night to get down with. ``

'' We can just use it as a covert, '' I explained.

'' But you promised two or three men a day, '' she said angrily, `` You promised ! ``

'' But surely you do n't want ? '' I asked.

'' And you do n't seriously think you live up to me do you ? '' she asked, `` With Mr floppy disk always needing a suck to kvetch commencement him, for sphere sake ! ``

'' You want to be a whore ? '' I said incredulously.

'' Yes with you there to protect me, '' she said, `` I expect I could do a gentleman in forty minutes and a handmaiden in ten. ``

'' At the Sami time ? '' I queried, `` One up the rearward transit ? ``

'' Possibly, '' she said, `` But you did the summation, even with a few sidereal day a month when we need a stand in we will throw a killing ! ``

'' But what about us ? '' I asked.

'' Oh, you still get your bend, '' she said, `` But really, seriously, '' she said, `` I need more. ``

We heard nothing of Lord Saltcoats and so it was that we opened `` The Lady 's Boudoir '' one eventide in September 1932.

The name was stencilled on the door beside the betting shop an inside the door we had a kiosk where the receptionist Lillia sat guarding the bed of the stairs and then I would greet the gentleman, take their chapeau and gloves and stand in attendance in case they needed assistance with salad dressing and always maintain discretion and moderation.

It sickened me, every day she lay in bed from mid morning till after midnight while a chronological succession of men used her, `` near day sir may I fill your hat ? '' I would ask and get a scornful limelight in yield as glove were thrown in the hat and the hat handed to me.

We reached agreement for the betting workshop to be our waiting elbow room, every day there was my noblewoman, answering to any name under the sun, play acting the seraphic heart, legs astride, cunt glistening. teats distended, bathed in sweat like as not and then dragging some one-half naked gentleman minus trouser and underpants but like as not retaining air-sleeve and sock suspenders to her as she grasped his rearing member to aim it within her or draw it to life-time or culmination.

Hairy asses bobbling as they pounded her, fourth dimension after time, hebdomad after week, month after calendar month until every apothecaries' ounce of compassion I had for her was primer coat to nothing by the clash of crotch upon crotch.

I rented a theater for us in Middlesborough terrace so we could get away from her work, but she was always too tired so I had the early bedroom converted to another piece of work room, bare floors and a unsubdivided mattress.

They paid extra for the wide-eyed mattress, the more soiled it got the better they liked it because it stopped being gentlemen and instead it was anyone who won a bet on the horses.

They all wanted to eff a alright lady on a soiled mattress.

'' Maybe you would prefer standing against a wall in the ginnel ? '' I asked in a mo of reckless sarcasm.

'' And how much extra would that be ? '' the chap asked quite seriously.

'' two-baser, '' I said flippantly.

'' Then I 'll bear that ! '' he agreed.

She used the courtyard, the ginnel was too public and she wore a yoke of cog and a retainer smock, sometimes we had three men waiting while a fourth fucked her standing against the wall.

Sometimes Lillia pretended to be the ma'am, if she remembered to keep back her mouth shut, when not clamped around a customer 's member that is, she was fine, except it made too much work for me keeping an eye on two lady of pleasure, taking money and everything.

One night a Irishman asked me to fuck him up the ass while he fucked Lillia. I declined, but it gave me an melodic theme, `` So where do you get you 're ass fucked ? '' I asked.

He told me, I out an advertising in the window and got ten inquiries in two hours.

I gave Harry the job, he liked goose egg better than wearing a chick with zippo under it, usually he wore a kilt but his geordie accent betrayed him and he relished the approximation of ramming his meat up valet de chambre 's backsides while they shafted our whores.

He seemed entirely capable so I left him to it, and gradually did lupus erythematosus and less fourth dimension at the Boudoir and he became more or less the director while I planned my next move.

I went to London and became delayed with my function and came north again to check on my lady.

She was not there, `` gentleman want sort sir, I got some new little girl in, '' Harry explained.

'' But she was the whole reason ! '' I pleaded, `` Where is she ? ``

'' Blowed if I know sir, '' he said, `` I just thought she were a prostitute, sir. I never thought she was your special whore. ``

I went out to seek her, I asked around until I heard of someone living in a hut by the railway and earning a crust from home layers and the like.

I had to find her and bought a derby hat hat and gaberdine coat like a railway official and marched down to the track yards.

There was no sign of her, but then a favorable stroke, `` You going for a jar Tam ? '' somebody asked a driver as his shift ended.

'' Och so I will, after I poke the lady, '' was his reply.

I followed, he went to the engineman 's barracks, where the retentive length men lodged before returning home, and there I found her raw but for a coat open at the presence sitting on an engine man 's cabinet listening to the story of engines.

'' Enginemen only sir, '' the assistant said politely but firmly.

'' I came to see her, '' I said and pointed, `` How are you ? ``

'' Well, '' she said and she smiled, `` Were you worried ? '' she asked.

'' Yes, you were not at the house, '' I explained.

'' That Harry was beastly, '' she said, `` He wanted to bill more, but I just want sex. ``

'' And now ? '' I asked.

'' They are lovely, all these lonely men to comfort, '' she said, `` They make me palpate wanted. ''

I looked at her, her blonde hair seemed to be silvering, her skin once like Mexican onyx now weatherbeaten, `` I 'll keep an account for your money, you know where to find me, '' I explained, `` Oh Geoffrey turned up, '' I added, `` He 's working as a Gigolo in Monte Carlo, maybe you two were made for each former after all. ``

'' Maybe, '' she admitted but the Scotsman had her in his coal dusted arms and his melanize hands ran through her haircloth and his black lips brushed her ruby lip and it was more than I could bear to see.

I hid my bust and left her even as she gasped in commendation as her scots devotee took her to heaven once more .