Blagthorpe, Yorkshire, England 1886. Finest pit int'whole world.

life story were hard back then

I were standing by fire in pit head role watching our eldest Lucy shovelling ember into railway wagon, as fast as any man. By eck, I thought, what a lass, and that's when I had a notion.

I'm Joseph Henry Blagthorpe, They calls me Divine Blagthorpe, or that dickhead Blagthorpe. I own pit and Village of Blagthorpe as it happens, I has a repute you see.

I married a widdow, Elsie Sugden. Her had a kid already, Lucy. I says married, we never wasted brass on church service or goose egg. Every bit of establishment went into business.

Useless bitch she were and all. VII damn giirls her popped before her exclaim enough and went to log Z's in spare way, well one of em, I had twelve bedrooms at last count.

I went outside to birth a countersign,"Eee lass thee's fit."I says to our Lucy.

"What's this chatting up thee daughter, he'll be in thee knickerbockers next,"Cocker Drayton joked.

"clitoris it Cocker,"I says,"I means she's secure as any bloke,"I says.

"fountainhead don't go geting any ideas,"Lucy snapped,"I told thee I'll not cook and clean for thee, nor go down pit, I'd rather go down whore house."

"flavour here, thee'd frighten blokes stupe, now if thee's got any sense thee's sell the laurels to in high spirits bidder."I suggested.

"And how much would you offer ?"she asked.

"Five bob,"I laughed.

"Done, I'll narrate our mam."she grinned and went back to shovelling. She must have been hot as she had her shirt undone and thee could see her whatsits swinging as she shovelled.

I got home after darkness. Table was set. Tea was cold as always. Elsie was bloody miserable as always.

"For half a bloody peak I'd send the lot of thee to workhouse,"I joked to lighten mood.

"For half a crownwork I'd bloody go,"Elsie said moodily.

"Mam our Dad offered five bob for me honour,"Lucy blurted out as she washed the coal detritus off her while stripped to the waistline by kitchen sink.

"Some bloody hopes it must be farseeing gone,"Elsie snapped.

"No, no sodomist's had me our mam, ent no one as I fancy,"Lucy said,"Except Daddy."

"Now hang on I were jesting,"I said,"Thee's me daughter."

"So why am I working in pit not at some poncy finishing school or some such ?"Lucy asked.

"I don't want thee cavorting with nob, I wants thee,"I said,"I wants thee close at hand so I can look after thee."

"So no other bugger has me,"she challenged,"You want's me for thee own, for thee cyprian !"

She stood there, whatsits hanging out, the teats all stood up, face and hair's-breadth all black, and it hit me."I reckon thee's right."I said. I had a think,"Thee's old enough, there ‘ ent nowt but courtesy for keeping thee around as thee ent mine so there ‘ ent no grounds we shouldn't is there."

"I'd snap thee piddling shaft in half,"she challenged wi'her eyes ablaze.

"Go and fuck the footling bitch,"Elsie said,"Then chuck her out ungrateful mare."

I found a gilt guinea,"Here thee are then,"I says as I handed it to her,"Get thee kit off."

"I suppose you want's change ?"she said.

"Nah keep it,"I said. Our Elsie near fainted, she were so shocked by me generosity.

"Da,"Lucy says,"Can we go somewhere more private ?"

"Nay, bugger it, me saps up,"I says,"Bend over tabularize our Lucy I'll poke thee from behind."

Our Elsie made a quad and Lucy dropped her mans breeches what she wore and bent over table.

Her woman 's parts was all pinko and moist and me tadger was straining fit to raid so I had me belt undone and me kecks round me ankles afore you could say"Ee Bah Gum."

It were prosperous he were straining as her thingy put up a fight as I went to thump her, I had to hang on to her whatsits to get a bit of purchase like, but all of a sudden it gev way and I were bollock deep inside her undergarment. Her moaned all satisfied like as I poked away at her.

It was bloody title-holder, her seemed to enjoy it as well. I enjoyed me self like I hadn't for bloody old age. In the end when I shot me bolt I were bloody knackered.

I sat down. Our Elsie pushed me tea in front line of me. It were cold, bloody inedible like. I flung it at her,"Am off down bloody chippy, you coming our Lucy ?"

"What about us ?"Elsie whined.

"Thee made bloody ooze, thee can bloody eat ont,"I told her.

Our Lucy pulld her breeches up and that and off we went.

They were shocked to see I down Chippy, They let us go first in queue on account of none of ‘ em wanted the sack.

"Two haddock and a bag o'fleck,"I says,"And what ever thee's having,"I gestured towards our Lucy.

"I'll have a meat pie,"Lucy says,"The big un, what sort of substance is it."

"Horse,"Chippy said,"Thee Faither lets us have pit ponies cheap when they're knackered."

"nobleman Blagthorpe to thee, any road round she ‘ ent me girl no more ‘ cause I been poking her and she's mine now."

"Not till you put a ring on me feel I ent,"Lucy says,"You ent me dad, you ent me goose egg,"

"Bloody hell girl,"I says,"Thee don't bent around do thee ?"I thought a mo. She were fit, healthy, why she had a better than norm prospect of bearing me a son. Me creative thinker were made up.

"Marry me then our Lucy !"I says.

"‘ trend I will,"she says,"Army of the Righteous nip off down rectory and set things in motion."

"sod me tha'don't hang about.|"I admitted.

"I had a good teacher,"she smiled.

We picked up us click and headed off down vicar's place.

Vicar bloody near had a fit,"But she's your daughter !"he whined.

"pace girl,"Lucy reminded him,"Him and me Mam ent married any road and me half sisters is all bastards."

"I wouldn't call all of em love child, bloody irritating mebe,"I confessed.

"She means technically,"the Vicar said helpfully,"So there is a lot to coordinate, flush, bells, choir,"

"That's bollocks is that,"Lucy says,"No flowers, no doorbell, no choir, no blinking fancy dresses, just call the Banns, marry us part way through morning service of process and then us can get started on a son and successor for pop, I mean for Henry."

"Are you sure ?"I asks.

‘ Course I'm sure,"Lucy insisted,"I know thee loves brass more than anything so I ent going to start off by riling thee am I ?"

I were shocked to the core, she understood me in a way our Elsie never did. Elsie always wanted new stuff long afore the old were wore out, her'd of need flush and the unit bloody shebang.

We went back dwelling, I expected Lucy to scarper in along with I but her said not till us was wed so I had to create do with Elsie and her only let me poke her backside.

Three hebdomad later we was wed. Bloody hell did I know it. I were bally knackered. Her wanted it sunup twelve noon and nighttime, afore intermit fast, during morning fag severance, ginger nut metre and after tea as well as bed metre.

"You'll make me heart flak !"I protested as she jumped on me thingy for the sec metre in an time of day in pit situation wi clerk and that trying to bet t'other way.

"And all thee stuff will be mine,"she said her optic ablaze.

"Ah, so that's thee plan,"I agreed as her bounced up and down on me thingy which were stiff as a pit property,"So what u'd thee alteration if I popped me clogs ?"

"squawk our bloody Mam out for a starting signal, and me blinking baby,"she said,"Get a decent house what's easy to hold on clean and fond Handy for pit."

"And,"I says as her bounces up, down and sideways on me thingy, pleasuring her sen.

"Get me self a fit feller what can roger me sideways all day and all night."she said wistfully.

"He'd have thee fat we child afore thee knowed,"I assured her,"But thee has a point, what bloody use is thee Mam except when thee has womens thingys and I can't have thee. Chuck her out and the kids, send em down work house."

"You callous bastard !"she said,"They're your bloody kids."

"Not a shop o honest none of em,"I admitted,"e should give up the bloody lot out."

"Thing is,"Lucy said,"If we moved in that nice three bed down Abbotoire Road as I got me eye on."

"Yes ?"I said,"We could let big firm out as flats, send the one-time daughter down pit, lend young to chimney end run, and set our Mam up in her own whore sign of the zodiac and charge her rent."

I were gob smacked. I shot me consignment in shock."Bugger me our Lucy,"I says,"Why the ‘ ell didn't I think of that !"

"Yer gettin'old, and I had a in force teacher,"she happily as she climbed off me and wiped her sen on table cloth."Now have a bit of a kip, I'll be back for more in half a mo !"

Her went back to shovelling.

"Her'll have thee in betimes grave you mark my words,"Cocker Drayton chief clerk muttered.

"I die happy,"I answered,"Then mebbe her'll ass thee ?"

He went quite pale.

"I'm bloody joking you wazzock !"I taunted him.

He bloody fainted. Said it were jounce of me cracking a jape, first-class honours degree fourth dimension in the 20 years he 'd worked'for me.

Its bloody funny what making love does to thee .