My First Lesbian Experience

It was late. It was raining. And non-white. And cold.

The sound of the folk chemical group wafted down the street from the Flying sawbuck as I nibbled at something that might once let been a cod before it was cremated and sealed in cardboard flavoured white-livered concrete and stuffed in newspaper with slices of raw potato.

I opened the pub threshold as the northward chuck premier ( and only ) Lesbian anti Pedophile lot Boris and the Pedos sang.
"String the bugger up"
"String the buggers up"
"There's cipher as vile as a pedophile, so string the buggers up !"An audience of three pare mind and an old old codger who mistook it for Domino Night sat there bored out their skulls.

"All right Johnno ?"Boris the lead singer shouted as her band rested between numbers.

Nearly bald, five five over twenty stone, squeezed into excess large jeans three size too small with a leather jacket crown what had probably been old when the first public war was on she was the sort of butch lesbian who got dike lesbians a bad gens.

Mind you the way she liked fucking convicted pedos up the ass with a sleigh pounding handle made me wonder whether she actually was a lesso. She had cracking bass baritone voice voice though, pity she was smell deaf.

"Not so bad, how's it going ?"I asked.

"Not so bad,"she said,"Any ducky ?"

"Bit of poesy ?"I suggested,"The gallows corner ?"

"Sit thee down, and quietus awhile."
"And observe the lonely pedophile."I started

"As swaying gently in the breeze, he dangles from the gallows tree !"she finished, ah that's poetry.

"You can't bring food for thought in here,"Sandra the barmaid shouted.

"Its from the kebab shop, I don't reckon it counts as food for thought,"I moaned.

"Them fucking twat hates us,"Harley Charlie, the moped riding headman skinhead announced,"They ought to make love off back where the come from."

"Where fucking Oldham ?"his checkmate asked.

"Who gives a fuck, lets have a sing song, that old one,"he said drunkenly,"White drop of capital of Delaware !"

"We'll chuck Pedos over, the Patrick White drop of Dover, tomorrow just you wait and see."

"We'll get all them mother fucker and chuck the residuum over after,"I suggested,"Then we'll be fucking Pedo unloose !"

"You got the watchword Johnno ?"Boris asked.

"No I just fucking made it up, Jesus fucking christ."I replied.

"Make a crack record,"Charlie said, and he stood up,"Need a bastard, get the drink in Nobber."

"Why the fuck do I always get to get the deglutition in ?"Nobber asked.

"‘ Cause your on welfare, no one else got any cash ?"I suggested.

"shtup intemperate work, welfare, having to commemorate to fucking limp."Nobber said, but no one gave a fuck.

"What you having Johnno ?"Sandra asked.

"Anal ?"I suggested.

"To drink not later you filthy bastard !"Sandra retorted and Boris flashed me a contraband face, she must have thought she had pulled.

"Rats piss,"I said.

"You can have one Stella ‘ grounds I know what your the likes of after a few pints eh Mr floppy !"Sandra laughed.

"All fucking right, it was only once."I stammered as me face went bright red,"Ever ready me."

"piece of tail anything anything any prison term ?"lavatory Hunt the bookie from Matson street walked out the bog and started taunting me. Holman Hunt the Cunt as we called him.

"Long as its over 18, and has a bitch and a pulse,"I protested.

"Like a cow ?"he laughed.

"Technically they has a vestibule not a pussy,"I said using my master intellect gained from watching pointless screwing game appearance and exchangeable shite on pointless ass daytime TV.

"Her then,"he said pointing at Boris.

"shtup off she's a fucking Lesso."I said supportively.

"fifty dollar bill quid says you can't."He suggested.

"L quid each ?"Boris asked.

"Two hundred, defecate it five !"Hunt the Cunt taunted.

"Jesus,"Boris said,"I could use a few quid as it happens."

"Oh for ass sake,"Hunt sighed,"I was taking the piss."

"We heard,"Harley Charlie chuckled,"What you reckon Johnno ?"

"Yeah, why not, I'm up for it."I lied. Jesus it would be halfway to turning fucking gay. Fucking a fat bald geezer even if it did have a cunt somewhere under the ugly great bend of belly skin.

"This I just got to see !"Sandra said. What I didn't know was she texted all her couple and said to come round and watch.

"So what's your game ?"Nobber asks Hunt the Cunt.

"Just like to see Lesvos sorted out,"he sniggered.

"Wants a portion of the CCTV rightfield more like,"I sighed knowing half of Saudiafuckingrabia had seen my ass bobbing around on some porn channel streamed from the CCTV as I gave Sandra a portion one night after lock up.

"cub what do you deal me for ?"Holman Hunt asked.

"Money grabbing bitch,"Harley Charlie said nicely.

"Yeah well making money's me hobby ennit ?"Hunt laughed,"Go on. I'll make it a sublime each."

"I dunno,"I said,"What you reckon Boris ?"

"If your up for it I am."she said,"I need the cash."

"acquiring up for its the problem,"I thought to me self as I tried to close me eyes and think of England, or actually that fit in Nippon pornography Farm three where the Jap miss all strip off on the parade background and start up doing exercises until the blokes start fucking them.

It was no full, me cock did a passable caricature of a French S Cargo ( snail ).

"In the back room ?"I suggested.

"Lock the door Sandra,"hunt suggested.

"Fuck that me mates is coming,"Sandra explained.

"Oh fucking jesus."I thought.

"right wing lets do one more set of can buy me love,"Boris called as she twanged a horrible row from her authentic Taiwanese Scatocaster Guitar, It might get worked proficient if she had noticed it was for 120 volts not 240 but reading and thinking were not exactly her inviolable points.

"Buy me a diamond ring you cunt and you can log Z's with me tonight."
"joint it up me bum you cunt and I'll make it all seem right.
"crusade all I want is,"“ Lots of money and Money can buy me have it off,"
"Can buy me luh-uv,"
she wailed.

poor people old Macker John Lennon must have been turning in his pit.

Actually the pub was filling nicely.

Boris was starting another set.

"Tie a fucking pedo round the old oak tree
If he fucking dies its all right by me."

"Who writes this shit ?"Hunt asked.

I never admitted anything,"Its caustic remark,"I said.

"Fucking racialist,"he said shaking his head.

"Across the sea, where all the priest are paedophile, ''
"Celibate means the piece of tail lot are gay."Boris warbled to what might well have been supposed to be the strain to"Danny Boy."

"Good Shepherd interest Johnno she'll be on the racist crap next do something !"Sandra hissed in me lug hole as the pub filled with her mates.

I stepped up to the microphone, I got a one-half nice voice, well it was ok trough it broke, form of split down the midway more like, when me balls dropped."You all know this one,"I shouted and started singing a crapello, that means on me tod.

"The Dew on the meadow, the mist on the stream.
The river runs down to the sea."

"We gather together to recognize the aurora
and England belongs to me."

Boris's mate crashed in a few random chords on bass Guitar which was handy because I started far too high

"So bugger the spaniards and sodomize the frogs, and bugger the old EEC
The whole fucking Eurozone can get stuffed 'cause England belongs to me."

"Italians are pedopiles so are the krauts, the polish have all got VD
So lets get and progress an atomic bomb and botch them to buggery."

"And blow them to Bug, and ball up them to Bug,"

"And blow them to bug er ree !"I finished as a solo and then tried to make a run for it.

"Bloody Scheol that was fucking brilliant !"this pissed up cyprian with DD tits and blonde hair straight out of a spray can who might have passed for 25 on a dark night where you couldn't see the line under her eyes cooed as she pressed her nipple against me.

Suddenly S shipment turned to frankfurter, well more similar Calluna vulgaris handgrip if I'm true ‘ suit I wont see twenty again in a rush like either.

"Ohhh you are a big boy,"she cooed as she cupped me balls through me jeans.

"Its now or never,"I thought as I pulled away from her.

"And now the main event,"I said,"Drum pealing please Karen."

"I'm fucking Elsie you blind twat !"the drummer replied but she started smacking infernal region out of the barrel skins all same.

"Go for it ?"Boris asked.

I nodded.

She pulled down her skin tight extra large jeans and the biggest whorl of pinko belly fat you ever did see cascaded down completely hiding what looked like a diminutive duad of pink panties.

Me fire was fading. ( Posh jargon for me cock was shrinking, fast )

"Stick it anywhere no one will discover !"Boris hissed as I dropped my pants and pushed her against the bar.

Now any sensible fucker would have rubbered up but I didn't have time, and anyway contrive A was to fool away up somewhere under a whorl of flabby under her belly button but wouldn't you know Gospel According to John Norman Thomas went straight for the moist bit. I reckon she must take in fancied the blonde fancy woman with the DDs Saame as I had.

The look of me marginal rooster head on a moist cunt lips is much the same whether its Brianny or Mad Donna or someone what looks like some fuckers grandad and I made the mistake of shutting me eyes.

Next fucking thing I was going for it. Fucking JT was in. rightfield up, that fucking flab was soft as fuck and just flowed out the way. She was truly jazz. I was truly fucked.

"Oh god."I moaned but I never had the sense to stop.

"No don't that feels too prissy, for nooky sake Johnno !"Boris was wailing.

I started going for it, like a fucking terrier against a First Duke of Wellington thrill, it felt too fucking full. It was all wrongfulness and then the pressure departure alert went off in me bollocks.

"Ready or not I'm coming !"I shouted and to a bloody big sunshine I shot me load.

"impostor !"someone cried.

"He fucking didn't he slimed me !"Boris protested and she showed three of her roly-poly fingers inside her and dragged them out glistening with spunk.

Fucking applause all daily round, fucking ten stone and a bit weakling and a butch les. It must have looked screaming, like one of them picayune male spiders fucking them Brobdingnagian female black widder spiders except I hadn't been ate yet.

"Pay sentence,"I said as John Hunt tried to sneak away.

"fair do's you earned it,"he laughed and he flashed a wad of banknote. I flicked through.

"And the rest,"I said without counting.

He coughed up another ton or so which brought it just over two grand which was fair.

"You really would have it off anything you fucking worm,"Sandra said.

"Fucking pot calling the screw kettle,"I said,"At least I get a thou not a half of lager and a few chips."

"Too shay,"she said,"Anyway its arctic for you now, you don't know where that's been."

"fuck sunup after pill, is the late night pill pusher still afford ?"I asked.

"I crumbled two in her vodka and orangeness,"Sandra said,"Someone has to depend after you."

"I know,"I said,"I am grateful."

"Elsie says if I have IVF and have triplets we can get a 3 chamber council house straight away,"Sandra said all devoid like.

"Not that fucking grateful,"I said as Boris decided not to bother trying to hale her belly back in her blue jean but to stick the spare mike up her pussy instead as she launched in to song.

"He's got a Pedo's ball in his hand,
He's got his cock and nut in his paw,"and as she sang,
'' He's got a Pedo's nut in his hand, '' again the the interview joined in with.
"And he'll rip the fuckers off !"

"There ain't no room for Pedo's in this domain,"they continued.

I'd had enough, I felt sick, that was pretty low fucking a ugly dyke Les for money, Ok punter than swing out road or collecting tax or walking the streets like a plod but pretty bloody low.

I opened the threshold. There were half a dozen uniforms sheltering in the porch.

"Oh its you Allthwaite,"the constabulary Sergeant said knowingly,"Off plate ?"

"Nah off down the Mosk for Friday Prayers."I corrected him.

"Its Tuesday,"the Sergeant corrected,"This valet de chambre is your genuine Black Muslim Gay gay woman transexual appendage of every bloody minority the home office has ever heard of and plenty more beside, arrest him at your peril."

My reputation had preceded me"Box tick,"I agreed.

"Just fuck off."He said.

So I did, and they arrested some gent who came out his gaff in his nightshirt to kick about the row.

Its a funny old world.

And that was me commencement Lesbian experience .