hi folks, my name is Wendell Buford, and I live in a little town name of toad Whistle, Land of Opportunity, with my widdered Ma, Mavis Buford, and my babe Priscilla. Now, folks is always sayin'to me, `` Wendell, you ai n't the crisp tool in the shed, are you ? '' but I reckon I got me a sixth grade education and I can cabbage all form o'profound hooey, so I cai n't quetch, 'cause I reckon I get on okay.

Now like I said, my Ma is a widder, on account o'my daddy got himself runned over by a tractor when I was just a little shaver. Yep, 'parently it was a hundred sixty-five HP toilet Deere with a power take-off attachment, and I reckon you gon na get yourself run down by a tractor it may as well be a fine piece o'American engineerin'like that there, but I guess that were n't much solace to my dada, 'cause word is he never even saw it comin', which may possess had a lot to do with a few jibe of Virgil Tatum 's corn whisky liquor under his belt. See, folks around here is always sayin'you get a belt or two of old Vergil 's jungle juice 'cross yer chest, and you 'd be doin'ripe if you could spot a unscathed team o'talk through one's hat elephants in the ruttin'season, even if you was lookin'fer 'em. Anyway, after we lost my daddy, my Ma brung Priscilla and me up all on her lonesome, but I reckon she done okeh at it.

Now my Ma 's got a first cousin called Abe Driscoll, but I always call him Uncle Abe 'cause he 's been like a uncle to me my all suffer daylight. Uncle Abe lives in a cabin up there in the Benny Hill a direction out of town, with my first cousin Betsy-Jo and my Granma McCutcheon. Now, you see'ol'Uncle Abe 's been widdered himself, 'cause my auntie Patsy died of the using up way back when I was so young I cai n't hardly call back her, so after she passed, Granma McCutcheon moved in with Uncle Abe so 's she could serve out with raisin'up Betsy-Jo.

Now bein'if Uncle Abe is my ma 's first cousin, then technically that makes him my second cousin, but like I said, he 's just like a uncle to me, but I guess that means Betsy-Jo is really my third cousin-german, but folk do n't go puttin'too many numbers on things like that out this way. Anyways, bein'full cousin, Betsy-Jo and me was tangible close as shaver. We played together, we run together, we fought together, we wrassled together, we fished together, matter of fact, most anything two kids can do together, I reckon we done it together, 'cause like I said, we was literal close.

Now, trueness is I guess Granma McCutcheon and me ai n't really related by line, but out where we hails from, family is family, so I just ring her Granma. Matter of fact, I reckon if I called her by anything else she 'd whale my behind with that big black frypan of hers, so I reckon I 'll just keep on callin'her Granma fer the continuance, 'cause it 's good that way. You see, Granma McCutcheon got herself widdered too when she was real young, and I reckon life 's been unvoiced fer her, and it 's done took its toll, 'cause she can be a minuscule testy. In fact, sayin'she was downright cantankerous would n't be putting'too lots exaggeration on it. Old Uncle Abe is always sayin'you just got ta vigil yer p 's and q 's around Granma, and that may be so, but I reckon there 's a whole lotta other letters in that there alphabet you wan na be keeping a real close eye on too, 'cause like I said, it do n't ingest practically.

Another affair about Granma McCutcheon, she learned herself how to be a Doctor a few old age back. You see, we ai n't had a regular Doctor round these parts fer a long time but ol'Mr Winthrop, the county vet, is usually more'n happy to tend to any ailment as phratry comes along with, even though he learned his doctorin'business deal on animals and livestock, but when he 's got a drunk on he can be a slight hard to get a detainment of. So, Granma McCutcheon figured she could learn doctorin'and take up the slack. Way she done it, she learned herself doctorin'out of a record book she got on ring armour order, called, `` Fresnel 's Medical Almanac. '' She 's been doctorin'in her spare time fer a few year now, and I reckon she can doctor up there with the best of 'em these mean solar day. She even throws in a full service, and gives folks a liberate tea-leaf readin'after their doctorin'session is done. So, that 's all about Granma McCutcheon, straight up.

Anyway, this here story starts a elbow room back one time when I was stayin'over at Uncle Abe 's spot, so 's I could help with the herpes zoster on the roof. We was up on that roof all mornin', and it was gettin'right hot up there, so Uncle Abe said we ought to take ourselves a while. So me and Uncle Abe clumb down off of the roof, and Uncle Abe went to the kitchen to make himself a pot of burnt umber, and that left me all on my lonesome.

Now, one thing about fixin'zoster, it always puts me in the mood fer wrasslin', so I went off to look fer Betsy-Jo. Now that might sound strange, bein'Betsy 's a fille and all, but I done whooped all the other fellas around these parts and Betsy 's awful strong fer a girl and she 's whooped virtually of 'em herself, so she gives me More of a challenge when we goes in fer wrasslin'together, so that 's why I went lookin'fer her. I knew Betsy 'd be off in the forest someplace, making favorite of them wild critters like she does, so that 's where I went lookin'fer her.

I done looked all over them woods but I could n't discover Betsy-Jo no plaza, so I went back a different way, past the old swimmin'hole, where Betsy-Jo and me used to go skinny dippin'. We had n't done no skinny dippin'fer a long while, but when I got closer I could hear Betsy-Jo a-splashin'around in the swimmin'gob, and talkin'to them wild critters like they was gon na tattle right back to her, but I could n't see nothin''cause there was a whole lotta bushes 'twixt me and the swimmin'hole. I found a gap in them bushes, and I stuck my head through. I was about to holler out to Betsy-Jo to see if she was up fer some wrasslin', but what I seen gave me a big surprisal.

Now, it were n't no surprise to see Betsy-Jo in her birthday causa, on story of that 's how folk music apparel when they 's a skinny-dippin', but what plumb took me by surprisal was how different Betsy looked since the last sentence I seen her like that. She was all rounded out and busty lookin'and them tit of hers was like two grapefruits hangin'off of her dresser, only they was n't really hangin', it was more like they was pointin'straight person ahead at me, and down where her beak woulda been if she was a gent, there was this triangle of atomic number 79 coloured pilus. issue of fact it was Betsy-Jo first told me girls ai n't got neb, back when we went skinny-dippin'the first time.

I remember she shucked off her clothes that first time we went skinny-dippin', and I looked at her and I said, `` Betsy-Jo ! What happened to yer pecker ? '' and she said, `` Do n't you be silly Wendell. Girls ai n't got neb. ''

'' Well, '' I said, `` how do y'all pee ? '' cause I really wanted to know how a body could pee without no shaft, and Betsy-Jo said, `` Easy, Wendell, we just hunker down and do it like a madam. '' Then she said, `` lone thing is I cai n't designate you how we do it on account of Granma McCutcheon tol'me it ai n't good style to squat down and pee in forepart of kinsfolk. She said y'all got to hold back till their spinal column is turned and do it when they ai n't lookin .'''

fountainhead, I said, `` That 's O.K., Betsy. I know what y'all flavour like, and I know what squattin'down looks like, and I know what peein'looks like, so if I put them four things together in my head, I reckon I know what you squattin'down to pee looks like, '' and Betsy-Jo said, `` See Wendell, you ai n't nowhere near as silly as tribe 's always sayin'. ''

Anyway, that was way back, but this particular day, I was so plumb surprised at how dissimilar Betsy-Jo was lookin'that when I tried to shout out out to see if she was up fer some wrasslin', it was like my throat was all dry and squeezed out of build, and there were n't no sound comin'out. I swallowed some spit to wet my throat again, and I took me a breath to start hollerin', but I heard Granma McCutcheon back at the cabin. She was hollering herself that dejeuner was on the board and how it ai n't gon na eat itself, so we better get ourselves back there else the hogs is gon na be eatin'up big today.

wellspring, one thing I like better than wrasslin', and that 's eatin', so I high-tailed it back to the cabin fer some of Granma McCutcheon 's phalanger grits and hog jowls, with a side of cooky. I reckon I was already on seconds when Betsy-Jo got back with her apparel on.

Me an'Uncle Abe never got back up on that roof that day, but the next day we was up there most of the mornin', finishin'off them shake and when that was done we tended to a few other chores needed doin'about the place, and then it was clip fer Thomas More of Granma McCutcheon 's place cookin'. After we finished lunch, Uncle Abe went out to the nominal head porch to set on the two seater swingin'electric chair with a pot of umber, and Betsy-Jo went back into the woodwind to play with her critters again. Then Granma McCutcheon went out to boil up some lye soap, and that left me all on my lonesome again.

That belly total of Granma McCutcheon 's possum puree and sow belly with turnip jet was makin'me feel like I could use a little nap, so I done laid down on Uncle Abe 's big ol'bed, and I laid there a soupcon, thinkin'about clobber in my head. I got to thinkin'about yesterday, and how unlike Betsy-Jo was lookin'over at the swimmin'hole. I was thinkin'about them titties of hers, eyeballin'me like they was, and how she turned her back to me to take the air out the other side of meat of the swimmin'mess, and I remembered that her seat was all curved out like some kinda prize-winnin'pumpkin at the county fair. Then, all of a sudden, I realised that my pecker was gettin'all swoll up. Well, starting time thing I thought, I must let got bit on the pecker by a snake, 'cause I could n't think of no former reasonableness fer my beak to get all swoll up like that. I looked around, but I could n't see no Snake River anywhere, but I remembered something Uncle Abe told me one day about what to do if you ever get bit on the leg by a serpent.

Uncle Abe told me if y'all ever get bit on the leg by a snake, you got to get this here thing called a, `` torny-kay, '' and put it on yer leg, so 's the poison do n't go spreadin', else that leg 's gon na fall right off. well, I sure did n't want my woodpecker fallin'off cause I 'd have to scrunch up down to pee like a lady friend so I looked around, but I could n't see nothin'to use fer a torny-kay. I was veridical trusted I did n't want that poison spreadin', but I did n't have no torny-kay to put on my shaft, so I got me a opinion to thrust on my pecker so 's it would n't disseminate nowhere, so, I squeezed rattling hard on my dick.

fountainhead, my pecker was swoll up hard as hickory tree by now, but when I squeezed on it, it kind of felt dependable, so I squeezed a picayune harder and it felt a piddling bettor. Well, it seemed that the harder I squeezed, the better it felt, and then I got this former whim to rub on it while I was squeezin'on it. wellspring, I started rubbin'on my pecker while I was a squeezin'on it, and that felt even adept than just squeezin'on it did, so next affair I knew, I was rubbin'and squeezin', and squeezin'and rubbin', and it just felt better'n, better'n better, and before long, it felt so honest I took to breathin'real hard, too.

Well, I was a-layin'there on Uncle Abe 's bed, squeezin'on my pecker, and rubbin'on my pecker, and huffin'and puffin'while I was squeezin'and a- rubbin', and I reckon I was breathin'so heavily I musta sounded like that big ol'steam engine over there at the timber grind, and it just kept feelin'in force and better all the clip. Then, somethin'mighty strange happened, induce all that rubbin'and squeezin'on my prick felt so safe I just did n't cognize what was going on, and it felt almost too soundly, and all of a sudden, I thought I pissed myself.

I laid there a moment, wondering what just happened, and I looked down at my denim and there was a big wet plot on the front line, so I looked inside and there was all this white-hot goo come out of the end of my pecker. Now I was veridical scared, 'cause I remembered the snake again, and I figured it must deliver been the toxicant makin'all that white stuff and nonsense come out of my neb. Then I remembered somethin'else Uncle Abe done told me about when you get bit on the leg by a ophidian. He said that if you ever get bit on the leg by a snake you estimable get some doctorin'literal quick.

Well, I remembered Granma McCutcheon goes in fer doctorin'in her spare sentence, so I jumped up and ran out the back, hollerin'fer Granma McCutcheon to help me. I was hollerin', `` Granma ! Granma ! I need yer help ! I done been bit on the pecker by a snake, and it got all swoll up. I squeezed on it to cease the poisonous substance from spreadin'so 's my pecker would n't fall off and all this here while stuff and nonsense come out the end of my beak, and I need yer help Granma ! ''

I ran around to the back yard and Granma McCutcheon was stirrin'up a big pot of lye liquid ecstasy. I said, `` Granma ! You got ta help me. A snake done bit me on the beak and I squeezed on it to stop the poison and White stuff come out the end of my pecker and I need you to do some doctorin'on me 'cause I do n't want my pecker fallin'off or I 'll have to crouch down to pee like a girl ! ''

Granma McCutcheon stopped her stirrin', and she hollered, `` What in the blue blazing is got into you boy ? ''

I said, `` Granma ! I think a snake bit me on the dick cause it got all swoll up ! I squeezed on it to intercept the poison spreadin'and flannel stuff come out the end. I think the toxicant 's done somethin'to my neb so I need you to do some o'your doctorin'on it ! ''

Granma McCutcheon laid the stirrin'spoon against the inside of the pot and she walked over to me, and she said, `` Wendell, you are a special kind of stupid ! ''

I said, `` Thanks Granma, but I need help with my peckerwood, not compliments. ''

Granma McCutcheon looked down at the front of my denim, and she shook her promontory, and she said, `` Wendell, ai n't nobody ever learned you about the birds and the bees ? ''

I said, `` Granma, this ai n't no metre fer talking about insects and flyin'critters. I need assistant with my bill ! ''

Granma McCutcheon said, `` No, Wendell, what I 'm tryin'to say is, ai n't your Ma never told you the facts of life history ? ''

Now I was actual confused, causal agent only facts I ever knowed about was what 's in them 'cyclopaedia books my Ma keeps on the authority in the sitting room room, so I said, `` Granma, I do n't get it on what yer talkin'about but I need help with my pecker literal bad. I think a snake done bit it and it might accrue off. ''

Well, Granma reached up and she grabbed me by the ear, and she walked around to the nominal head of the cabin, and I followed her 'cause there ai n't much else you can do when Granma McCutcheon 's got you by the ear like that. We got around to Uncle Abe, settin'on the two-seater swingin'chairperson on the straw man porch, and he stood up, and he said, `` Granma, what 's goin'on ? This boy been sassin'you again ? I done told you before, Wendell, you go sassin'yer Granma and she 's likely to get ornery real quick. That 's a side of her you oughta stay right away from if you can. ''

Granma McCutcheon let me go by the ear and she said, `` No, Abe, it ai n't nothin'like that at all. Seems as how nobody ai n't never recount this boy where babies comes from. And bein'you 're the man of this household, that 's somethin'that falls on your shoulders. ''

Uncle Abe sat back down and said, `` Well, Granma, I 'd be right proud to take on that responsibility. Then he said, `` Wendell, '' and he patted the seat next to him on the swingin'chair. I sat down, but I was kinda befuddle 'cause Uncle Abe do n't do no doctorin', and Uncle Abe said to Granma McCutcheon, `` So if y'all excuse us, Granma, me and Wendell is goin'to have us a long talk. ''

Granma McCutcheon turned and walked around the back. I heard her mutterin'somethin'about, `` biggest dolt I ever did see, '' so I knew she was talkin'about me cause `` dolt '' is a kinda pet epithet she sometimes has fer me.

well me and Uncle Abe sat there on that swingin'president that day, and we had us a long talk like he said. He told me all form of real interestin'clobber about tool, and ladies, and how bill and peeress goes together, and how when a fella and a lady gets to likin'each other a whole lot in a particular kinda way, a fella 's nib gets all toilsome and swoll up like mine was when I thought a ophidian bit it. He said a lady 's got this special lieu 'twixt her leg, and when the lad and the lady gets to likin'each other a whole lot like that, and the gent'beak gets all swoll up and hard, the fella puts his pecker inside the noblewoman 's special seat and he goes into sawin'on it, and it feels real thoroughly for both of 'em.

He said that when yer putz gets all swoll up, it 's called a `` ee-rection, '' and puttin'yer bill inside a lady 's extra home smell a hundred times better than just squeezin'on it like I done, and that white stuff that comes out the end is like a man 's seed. He said that gentlewoman 's got eggs up inside of 'em, and when that seed gets on them eggs it turns them into a child and that 's where babies comes from. Land sakes ! Who would of thought child come out of eggs ?

Uncle Abe told me the proper name for that white stuff that comes out the end of your pecker is called, `` cum, '' but some folks call it, `` jism, '' even though, `` cum, '' is the give-and-take that polite sept use. `` subject of fact, '' he said, `` you can tell a lot about the way a man 's been brought up by gettin'him to speak about what comes out the end of his beak. '' He said, `` If he calls it, 'jism ,'y'all know he ai n't been well brought up and you probably need to be measured of him from then on. ''

Uncle Abe told me that puttin'your pecker up inside a noblewoman 's special place like that is called, `` makin'love, '' and just hearing them two quarrel together like that, `` makin', '' and, `` love, '' made it strait existent especial. He said that sometimes folks want to, `` make love, '' and get them real honorable feelin 's, but they do n't want no sister comin'along, so the lad goes to the drug computer memory and buys this here affair called a, `` rubberjohnny, '' and he puts it over the end of his nib so 's the cum do n't go up inside the lady and get all over her eggs.

Uncle Abe told me that there 's some rules about which lady 's special place a fella can put his pecker in. He said, `` right away, babe are out. You cai n't put your bill in your sister 's particular place, '' but then he said, `` the true be told, though, some folks around these portion is a jot casual about that ruler. '' Then he said, `` Likewise, your Ma. You cai n't put your pecker inside your Ma 's limited place, neither, cause that 's agin the normal, too. Saame goes for your auntie, and close cousin-german. ''

Uncle Abe said, `` Matter of fact, you ai n't supposed to progress to roll in the hay with any of your blood kin, '' but he kind of scratched on his stubble a touch and he said, `` But come to think of it, there ai n't no rules say you cai n't do it with your nan. '' He must have seen the feel on my case cause for a instant I was picturin'Granma McCutcheon out there in the support thou, stirrin'up her lye grievous bodily harm, and he considered on it a beat or two, and said, `` You know, Wendell, it takes all kinds to make this world, but I reckon a man could go a dreaded tenacious drive 'fore he come across too many fellas that 's got any kinda hankerin'to stimulate love with their granma. ''

Anyway, old Uncle Abe done such a fine job of explainin'to me all about dick and gentlewoman that day that when he asked me if I had any questions, only one that come to beware was I said, `` Uncle Abe, what do they prognosticate that there special place twixt the lady 's legs ? ''

Uncle Abe said, `` Well, Wendell, it goes by all sort of names, all depends who yer talkin'to, and some of them names ai n't really fit fer civilized company. '' He considered on it some, and he said, `` Medical folks, they call it the, 'angina ,'but the name you 'll most commonly hear it called by is, 'the cunt. ''

'' The pussy ? '' I said, `` Now why in the humankind would folks go calling it after a little ol'pussy cat ? ''

Now, Uncle Abe has been around some, and I think he 'd even been outside of toad whistling once or twice, and he looked at me, gave me one of them grin says he was a man of the human beings, and he said, `` lawsuit, Wendell, if you treat it right, it 'll whirr like a kitten. ''

I said, `` How do y'all treat it right, Uncle Abe ? ''

He said, `` Well, before you go puttin'yer prick inside a lady 's puss like that, she likes y'all to kinda caress it a short, you know, really gentle like. That kinda gets her in the mood for you to poke yer shaft in there and start sawin'on it. '' He paused, like he was Tarawa'sure I was payin'care, and he leaned in a little and said, `` But the secure way to treat a lady 's kitty right is to get up close and personal with it, throw it a little kissin', and bit o'lickin'. ''

'' Lickin'? '' I said, `` How can y'all go lickin'down there where she pees ? ''

Uncle Abe said, `` That 's the curiousness of it boy. I know it do n't voice right putting your tongue down there, but a lady 's pussy is the sweetest affair y'all are ever gon na discernment, and once you smelt one, you ai n't never gon na be the Same again. '' I figured for moment Uncle Abe was only joshin'about lickin'down there on a lady 's special place, but he said, `` I ai n't jokin', Wendell. You just wait and see. ''

So after Uncle Abe was all finished learnin'me all about putz and madam, he said, `` Now, Wendell, I want y'all to remember that there ai n't no reason to be ashamed of yer pecker going all toilsome and swoll up like that. It means you 've growed into a man, and you should be proud of that there pecker o'yours. ''

I said, `` OK Uncle Abe, future time it gets all swoll up I 'm gon na be rattling proud of it. ''

Anyway, me and Uncle Abe finished up our long talk, and I walked away knowin'I was now a man, with a pecker that could swell up fit to bust. I reckoned it would n't be too long 'fore I 'd come across me a peeress that liked me in that particular way and she 'd be wantin'me to put my pecker up there inside her special place and call for to sawin'on it. Later on that afternoon, I was thinkin'about ladies and pecker again, and following matter I knowed, my tool was all swoll up again, only this clock time instead of being scared it was gon na strike off, I was right proud of it.

I reckoned Granma McCutcheon 'd be right proud of me too if I went out and showed her, so I went into the kitchen with my jean all poked out from my swoll up shaft, and I said, `` Look at me Granma ! I 'm a man ! see how hard my cock 's gone ! ''

wellspring, I reckon Granma musta been in one of her ornery mode that day, 'cause she took one look at me and grabbed her big black skillet, and said, `` Wendell, you put that durn thing away 'fore hit you 'round the head with this skillet so hard, by the clip you remember what it 's good fer, you 'll be too old to use it. ''

fountainhead, I ran out the kitchen literal quick, 'cause I seen in the past times how handy Granma McCutcheon is with that skillet of hers, and then I considered on it for a while, and I reckoned that it must be 'cause she ai n't got no fella to put his cock in her special plaza no more than, so maybe peckers is a sore point with her when they 's a-swoll up like that.

So that there 's the taradiddle of how I got learned all about peckers and ladies by my Uncle Abe. I ai n't found me a ma'am yet that wants to, `` make dearest, '' with me, but now that I got me a one-sixth level pedagogy, I reckon I 'm one of them, `` eligible bachelor, '' folks talk about, and pretty soon there 'll be Lady linin'up for me to protrude into sawin'on 'em, so I 'll just bide my time.

So, y'all just call up, fare back real soon, ya hear ?