My first-class honours degree Lesbian Experience

It was late. It was raining. And sinister. And cold.

The sound of the family line group wafted down the street from the Flying gymnastic horse as I nibbled at something that might once bear been a cod before it was cremated and sealed in cardboard flavoured yellow concrete and stuffed in newsprint with piece of raw potato.

I opened the pub door as the north eats premier ( and only ) gay woman anti Pedophile striation Boris and the Pedos sang.
"String the sodomist up"
"String the sodomist up"
"There's zippo as vile as a pedophile, so string the buggers up !"An audience of three skin heads and an old codger who mistook it for dominoes night sat there bored out their skulls.

"All right Johnno ?"Boris the Pb singer shouted as her banding rested between numbers.

Nearly bald, five five over twenty Edward Durell Stone, squeezed into extra large jeans three sizes too belittled with a leather jacket what had probably been old when the first world war was on she was the sorting of butch lesbian who got dyke lesbians a bad name.

Mind you the way she liked fucking convicted pedos up the ass with a sledge pounding handle made me wonder whether she actually was a lesso. She had cracking bass part baritone articulation though, compassion she was tone deaf.

"Not so bad, how's it going ?"I asked.

"Not so bad,"she said,"Any dearie ?"

"Bit of poesy ?"I suggested,"The gallows tree ?"

"Sit thee down, and rest awhile."
"And watch the lonely pedophile."I started

"As swaying gently in the breeze, he dangles from the gallows tree !"she finished, ah that's poetry.

"You can't bring intellectual nourishment in here,"Sandra the barmaid shouted.

"Its from the kebab shop, I don't reckon it counts as solid food,"I moaned.

"Them fucking cunts hates us,"Harley Charlie, the moped riding tribal chief skinhead announced,"They ought to eff off back where the come from."

"Where fucking Oldham ?"his mate asked.

"Who gives a screwing, lets have a sing birdcall, that old one,"he said drunkenly,"White Cliffs of capital of Delaware !"

"We'll chow Pedos over, the Edward D. White drop of capital of Delaware, tomorrow just you wait and see."

"We'll get all them asshole and chuck the rest period over after,"I suggested,"Then we'll be fucking Pedo free !"

"You got the words Johnno ?"Boris asked.

"No I just fucking made it up, the Nazarene fucking christ."I replied.

"make a crack record,"Charlie said, and he stood up,"Need a motherfucker, get the swallow in Nobber."

"Why the fuck do I always get to get the drinks in ?"Nobber asked.

"‘ case your on benefits, no one else got any Cash ?"I suggested.

"Fucking hard oeuvre, benefits, having to call back to fucking limp."Nobber said, but no one gave a fuck.

"What you having Johnno ?"Sandra asked.

"Anal ?"I suggested.

"To pledge not later you filthy bastard !"Sandra retorted and Boris flashed me a Joseph Black flavor, she must have thought she had pulled.

"Rats piss,"I said.

"You can have one Stella ‘ causa I know what your like after a few pints eh Mr diskette !"Sandra laughed.

"All fucking right, it was only once."I stammered as me face went bright red,"Ever ready me."

"nooky anything anything any time ?"John hunt the bookie from Matson street walked out the bog and started taunting me. Hunt the Cunt as we called him.

"Long as its over 18, and has a cunt and a pulsation,"I protested.

"Like a cow ?"he laughed.

"Technically they has a vestibule not a snatch,"I said using my superior intellectual gained from watching pointless fucking game shows and interchangeable crap on pointless ass daytime TV.

"Her then,"he said pointing at Boris.

"Fuck off she's a fucking Lesso."I said supportively.

"fifty quid says you can't."He suggested.

"Fifty quid each ?"Boris asked.

"Two hundred, seduce it five !"Hunt the slit taunted.

"Christ,"Boris said,"I could use a few British pound as it happens."

"Oh for fucks sake,"hunting sighed,"I was taking the piss."

"We heard,"Harley Charlie chuckled,"What you reckon Johnno ?"

"Yeah, why not, I'm up for it."I lied. Jesus Christ it would be halfway to turning fucking gay. Fucking a fat bald geezer even if it did take in a cunt somewhere under the ugly great flock of belly skin.

"This I just got to see !"Sandra said. What I didn't know was she texted all her mates and said to arrive round and watch.

"So what's your plot ?"Nobber asks Leigh Hunt the Cunt.

"Just like to see Lesvos sorted out,"he sniggered.

"Wants a share of the CCTV rights more like,"I sighed knowing half of Saudiafuckingrabia had seen my ass bobbing around on some porn channel streamed from the CCTV as I gave Sandra a portion one night after lock up.

"gent what do you accept me for ?"Hunt asked.

"Money grabbing cunt,"Harley Charlie said nicely.

"Yeah well making money's me hobby ennit ?"Hunt laughed,"Go on. I'll make it a G each."

"I dunno,"I said,"What you reckon Boris ?"

"If your up for it I am."she said,"I need the cash."

"Getting up for its the problem,"I thought to me self as I tried to close me eyes and think of England, or actually that scene in Nippon Porno Farm three where the Jap girls all strip off on the parade reason and start doing exercising until the blokes start fucking them.

It was no good, me cock did a adequate personation of a French S freight ( escargot ).

"In the back elbow room ?"I suggested.

"Lock the door Sandra,"hunt suggested.

"Fuck that me mates is coming,"Sandra explained.

"Oh fucking jesus."I thought.

"right field lets do one More set of can buy me love,"Boris called as she twanged a horrifying row from her authentic Formosan Scatocaster Guitar, It might suffer worked better if she had noticed it was for 120 volts not 240 but reading and thinking were not exactly her strong points.

"Buy me a adamant ring you cunt and you can catch some Z's with me tonight."
"Stick it up me bum you cunt and I'll make it all seem right.
"Cause all I want is,"“ good deal of money and Money can buy me love,"
"Can buy me luh-uv,"
she wailed.

poor people old Macker Lennon must have been turning in his pit.

Actually the pub was filling nicely.

Boris was starting another set.

"Tie a roll in the hay pedo round the old oak Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree
If he fucking dies its all right wing by me."

"Who writes this asshole ?"hunting asked.

I never admitted anything,"Its satire,"I said.

"Fucking racist,"he said shaking his head.

"Across the sea, where all the priest are pedophiles, ''
"Celibate means the piece of tail lot are gay."Boris warbled to what might well have been supposed to be the tune to"Danny Boy."

"christ interest Johnno she'll be on the racialist crap side by side do something !"Sandra hissed in me lug hole as the pub filled with her mates.

I stepped up to the microphone, I got a half comely articulation, well it was ok till it broke, sort of split down the middle more like, when me balls dropped."You all know this one,"I shouted and started singing a crapello, that means on me tod.

"The Dew on the meadow, the mist on the stream.
The river runs down to the sea."

"We gather together to recognize the dawn
and England belongs to me."

Boris's mate crashed in a few random chords on Bass Guitar which was Handy because I started far too gamey

"So bugger the spaniards and bugger the frogs, and bugger the old EEC
The whole fucking Eurozone can get stuffed 'cause England belongs to me."

"Italians are pedopiles so are the krauts, the Polish have all got VD
So lets get and build an atomic bomb and fumble them to buggery."

"And swash them to Bug, and blow them to Bug,"

"And blow them to bug er ree !"I finished as a solo and then tried to make a run for it.

"Bloody Inferno that was fucking brilliant !"this pissed up cyprian with DD titty and blonde hair straight out of a atomiser can who might own passed for 25 on a night Night where you couldn't see the wrinkles under her eyes cooed as she pressed her tit against me.

Suddenly S cargo turned to frankfurter, well more alike broom handgrip if I'm honest ‘ cause I wont see twenty again in a rushing like either.

"Ohhh you are a big boy,"she cooed as she cupped me balls through me jeans.

"Its now or never,"I thought as I pulled away from her.

"And now the main outcome,"I said,"barrel curlicue please Karen."

"I'm fucking Elsie you blind twat !"the drummer replied but she started smacking hell out of the drum skins all same.

"Go for it ?"Boris asked.

I nodded.

She pulled down her skin tight extra large jeans and the biggest paradiddle of pinko belly fat you ever did see cascaded down completely hiding what looked like a tiny pair of garden pink panties.

Me fervidness was fading. ( Posh argot for me cock was shrinking, fast )

"marijuana cigarette it anywhere no one will notice !"Boris hissed as I dropped my bloomers and pushed her against the bar.

Now any sensible fucker would have rubbered up but I didn't have fourth dimension, and anyway plan A was to shoot up somewhere under a cast of flabby under her belly clitoris but wouldn't you know John Seth Thomas went straight for the moist bit. I reckon she must have fancied the blonde cocotte with the DDs same as I had.

The feel of me nude cock caput on a moist cunt lips is much the same whether its Brianny or Mad Donna or someone what looks like some fuckers grandad and I made the error of shutting me eyes.

Next fucking matter I was going for it. Fucking JT was in. rightfield up, that fucking flab was lenient as fuck and just flowed out the way. She was truly have sex. I was truly fucked.

"Oh god."I moaned but I never had the sense to stop.

"No don't that feels too nice, for shtup sake Johnno !"Boris was wailing.

I started going for it, like a fucking terrier against a wellington rush, it felt too fucking good. It was all wrong and then the insistence exit alert went off in me bollocks.

"Ready or not I'm coming !"I shouted and to a bloody big cheer I shot me load.

"Fake !"mortal cried.

"He fucking didn't he slimed me !"Boris protested and she showed three of her podgy finger inside her and dragged them out glistening with spunk.

nookie applause all rhythm, fucking ten stone and a bit weakling and a butch les. It must have looked hilarious, like one of them niggling male spiders fucking them Brobdingnagian female black widder spider except I hadn't been ate yet.

"Pay time,"I said as John Holman Hunt tried to sneak away.

"Fair do's you earned it,"he laughed and he flashed a wad of preeminence. I flicked through.

"And the residual,"I said without counting.

He coughed up another ton or so which brought it just over two 1000 which was fair.

"You really would fuck anything you fucking worm,"Sandra said.

"screw pot calling the piece of ass timpani,"I said,"At least I get a heroic not a half of lager and a few chips."

"Too shay,"she said,"Anyway its rubber for you now, you don't know where that's been."

"piece of tail morning after pill, is the late night chemist still spread ?"I asked.

"I crumbled two in her vodka and orangeness,"Sandra said,"mortal has to look after you."

"I know,"I said,"I am grateful."

"Elsie says if I have IVF and have triplets we can get a 3 bedroom council house straight away,"Sandra said all destitute like.

"Not that fucking thankful,"I said as Boris decided not to gravel trying to force her belly back in her blue jean but to wedge the spare mike up her twat instead as she launched in to song.

"He's got a Pedo's bullock block in his hand,
He's got his cock and egg in his script,"and as she sang,
'' He's got a Pedo's bollocks in his hand, '' again the the audience joined in with.
"And he'll rip the fuckers off !"

"There ain't no room for Pedo's in this estate,"they continued.

I'd had enough, I felt spue, that was pretty low fucking a ugly dike Les for money, Ok better than sweep up roadstead or collecting tax or walking the streets like a plod but pretty crashing low.

I opened the door. There were half a twelve uniforms sheltering in the porch.

"Oh its you Allthwaite,"the law serjeant said knowingly,"Off home ?"

"Nah off down the Mosk for Friday Prayers."I corrected him.

"Its Tuesday,"the serjeant-at-law corrected,"This Gentlemen is your actual Black Moslem Gay Lesbian Transsexual appendage of every bloody minority the home office has ever heard of and plenty more than beside, arrest him at your peril."

My report had preceded me"Box tick,"I agreed.

"Just screw off."He said.

So I did, and they arrested some bloke who came out his gaff in his nightshirt to kvetch about the row.

Its a funny old world.

And that was me start Lesbian experience .