Anna was going to continue with me for a month, but that month turned into two. Then three. Now the new yr was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not give care, of course, as I was madly in love with her, but the dubiousness had consumed me. Was she a roomy ? Friend ? lover ? to a greater extent ?

The fourth dimension to bear"the public lecture"was that first week, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few more fourth dimension, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the details of our relationship. Anna did not seem to beware - she clearly did not want it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the window closed. She met Baron Clive of Plassey at a swap meet in early November. They went on a escort. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no yearner sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come home a few nights a week. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say things like,"God, you're such a dandy guy. You deserve to take on someone."It killed me. I DID merit it, she was right. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Clive. Fucking Clive.

By December she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her married man and finding her own place in the new twelvemonth. She was very elucidate that she felt like she was a onus to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as clear that I didn't concern. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a shot at Yuletide. Baron Clive was going to his parent's home base in Colorado. Anna was driving to get together him on Dec. 26, but she had no plans for Christmas day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had nothing to do. I suggested we stay in and drink wine and look out TV. She agreed.

I knew the gift I got her was important. I mean, just getting her a present tense was not enough. I needed a statement. There's a remainder between a friend giving and a lover gift. I wanted to get her a lover giving. I wanted a make love substance to be sent in big, bold, capital, thank-the-baby-Jesus missive. No question. No confusion.

I got her a dyad of ball field earrings. It was the kind of thing she'd never get herself. I wrote a speech communication, too. I had facts on how hanker it takes a rhomb to be formed, and how tutelage and precision and luck had to be exactly right for it to happen. It was a miracle, really. And just as marvelous, I segued, was how often she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for most of my life-time, and I wanted to show her how extra she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my sac, in type I stumbled. It was my moment. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in case, you know, I got a refuge gift : Warm socks.

So on Dec 25 day, we were finished with bottle two. She got that happy-kid grin on her case and said she had gotten me a present. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was giddy. I grabbed her two natural endowment and put them behind my back, under the cushion, almost sure I would fall in her the lover gift, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in example, I put the socks back there, too.

Five minutes later, she came back to the living room, tears streaking down her face. Clive had hidden a niggling wrapped box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a brace of lovely diamond earrings. She glided around the way, calling him on her cell to differentiate him how much she loved them. I swallowed my spit. nookie CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 gift card to GameStop. I gave her the socks. I had lost the fight, the battle and the war.

***

I had very specific plans for New twelvemonth's Eve : I was going to pledge heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the pot likker store and bought a twenty percent of vodka. As I was about to check out, I looked at the 70-proof bottle of cheap hooch and though,"Hmm, is this enough ?"I bought two. And I don't even pledge vodka.

I really wanted to black out before Ryan Seacrest showed his shtup tanned human face on the screen. Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. Blonde hair. highlight. short. Perfect smile. Extremely nice and cultured and charming and funny. He had always been unfermented to me. A real gentleman's gentleman, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a large glass of liquidity poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing alcoholic drink. Still, I had a destructive streak that was pointing right at my liver and tum. I tried to snub the smell and took a big gulp.

My esophagus was still burning when my cell rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"howdy ?"

"Is this a bad time ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her voice cracked. I could tell she was choking back tear."I, uh. Are you house ? Are you out ?"

"I'm home. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … pick me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Clive he, uh … we had a fight. You know ? I just need to get menage and I left my debit card at home and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. Look, it's aplomb. Where are you ? I will give now."

***

Anna did not blab out much on the way place, just a few thank yous. By the time we got back to the apartment, it was a little after 10. She looked stunning, even with her makeup running down her cheeks. Her tight green apparel hugged her curve. I felt underdress, what with my jeans and a t-shirt.

She went back to her room, only to reemerge a piddling before 12. Her hair's-breadth was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a cockeyed T. I wanted to kiss her. It was the turnout she wore the second Night we were together.

She sat down beside me on the couch. She had a wine glass in her hand and motioned toward my feeding bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her glass up and sank back, her ft curled under her. Her eye were red, but she was no longer crying.

"Do you require to spill ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a nooky idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"First my married man, now Robert Clive. I must have a special attraction to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in Colorado River over the weekend … but his wife. She called when he was in the lav, and I picked up his cell. She was as surprised to found out about me as I was to found out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the nerve to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her drunkenness, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the thing is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lying snake. I sensed it. I tried to block it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something phony. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. kind of stared. Then a hoot. Then a full laugh. I started laughing, too. She spilt a little of her drink on herself and laughed Sir Thomas More. We were both doubled over.

"God,"she said, wiping the tear away."You are right. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an idiot. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. Look, you WANT to love someone. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad things. There are speculative qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on hope and destiny and all that former pansy tale stuff. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be happy and to need the best in others. We live in a cynical populace. We need more ‘ you,'less ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her fountainhead on my shoulder."You are a unspoilt friend,"she said. My nerve sank. I was such a soft touch. It was five till midnight.

We watched Time square toes on TV in silence, Anna taking the occasional sip from her vino glass. Her head stayed on my shoulder. We watched the countdown, the happy faces shrieking and yelling. When the clock ticked one moment, Anna turned and gently grabbed my oral sex, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but zippo was like this. It was sweet and soft and take with substance. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her hired hand caressing my cheek. She put down her wine glass and started to move, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the way."No. No."

"What's incorrectly ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? Kiss you ? I thought you liked that ? We're friends. It's OK …"

"roll in the hay Anna. We are NOT friends. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to know I love you, right ? I mean, you are a smartness girl. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're admirer. I can't take it."

split were in her eyes again. I couldn't look at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want somebody to love you and deal you right field and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her hand through her hair and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not affirm a gaze. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you love me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"nooky, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't start now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would have no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the couch. I folded my hired man across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to lose me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my life story, but I can't sit back and watch you day of the month guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your job. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can give you what you want. And I can't sit back and find out this parade of losers. I can't be your safety net."

"I know."

I covered my eye with my hand, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the olfactory organ in eighth grade. I brushed the hair back, off my brow. It felt clayey in the room.

"I am sorry to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my hand again. She pulled it to her chest, against her substance. I turned to count at her."Kiss me,"she said."kiss me. Let's material body the rest out later. I promise. I want this. delight ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a fixer. She hated painful sensation in the great unwashed. I wasn't sure if this was very or her way of healing a wound. But I was weak. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex lots, but I am not for certain I had ever made love to someone. I had never connected with someone on a primal level. But I did with Anna that night. It was ennoble and raw and emotional. On my couch. As Ryan Seacrest rung in the background.

I stripped her dress off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my prick as I wrapped her leg around me. I eased into her, slipping my limb around her shank so I could pull her tight against me. It was the first time I had been completely inside of her. I tried to build the moment last.

Our dead body responded to each early. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her sass never left mine. I could savour the salt from her tears on her lips. Her lingua was aggressive but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my vertebral column and kissed me hard. She said my epithet and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the pill. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my head word back so I could see her middle. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A grinning of acknowledgment. I kissed her as I came, my cock exploding into the abysm of felicity and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my couch, wrapped in a blanket. Her legs wrapped around mine, her head word on my chest and her finger's breadth playfully running through my hair.

"I think this changes everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able to look at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few seconds later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my mind raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .