Nozzer's first-class honours degree Gay sex.

It's humour not knockout core.

We was down the Flying horse sinking a few bevvies. We'd been down the match looking for a few away supporter to remind them that their team may be safe at kicking nut but we was full at kicking nut if you see what I mean.

Nozzer weren't on physical body. He kept gasping for breathing spell and diaphoresis and that. I figured he been on the curry again, anyway there we was sinking a few Stella's ( Artois ).

I got a daily round in, It was getting late, folk was leaving."Keep the change,"I says.

"What variety you owe another ten Cypriot pound fifty,"the know it all handler shouts earning himself a good kicking the next dark rainy night.

I paid up, and staggered back to us shelve with nine pint and a package of porc scratchings.

Sandra the barmaid came over to flash her mamilla, she made out she was collecting empties but you could see the ruby in her belly button down her segmentation, could consume seen her vajazzle as well if she hadn't put on a bit of weight recently.

"What you do'in'after lads ?"she says,"Only we thought about a lock in if you're up for it ?"

"Don't know,"I says,"Washing me whisker maybe, and there's summat secure on telly."

"What's that then Chalky ?"skyrocket Ron asks.

"There's got to be summat good with sixty bloody canal,"I says reasonably.

Nozzer looked at his pint. It was odd he usually just slump them."What's up Noz ?"Gasser asks.

"Got a bad gut,"he says.

"Needs a bit of how's yer begetter to loosen it up."Mikey suggested.

"need summat,"Nozzer agreed.

Now wretched old Nozzer couldn't hold his beer. Ten pints was his lot and even then he wobbled all over the road when he rode his motorbike.



"That's how nance started,"I said,"Some poor bastard couldn't shit so his mate buggered him to relax it up."

"You offering Chalk ?"Nozzer said.

"No way, but I reckon one of that lot would oblige."I says pointing to the waiting room bar where several sharply cut back blokes was sat cycle. I knew one of them, Saint Peter"Nigel"Mansell

"I'll try anything chalk,"Nozzer said through a haze of booze fumes,"Anything."

I went into the lounge, They was all there, gay as shag, all acuate suit and that. One had a dress on. Lovely shade of pink, pity he hadn't had a shaving for a week.

I sidled up to, Nigel."Here my mate fancies you,"I says all well-disposed like like I was chatting up some girl.

"Oh really,"he says,"And who are you, frailty pope Eric or the Prince of Whales ?"

"Nah straight up Nige,"I says,"He gets a bit loose tongued when he's pissed, said he dreams about your big manly pecker up his arse."

"My what ?"he says.

"Well it used to be call back ?"I said,"When you used to get a hard on in the showers ?"

"Oh,"he said,"Well what did you expect all those slippery well toned masculine body just ripe for rogering."

"Anyway old Nozzer fancies batting for your side or at least having a trial run,"I says.

He stared me right wing in the eye,"And what may I ask, Mr Chalk, is in it for you ?"

"I'll celluloid it on me phone, sell it to Pornhub as Nozzer get's his virgin ass busted,"I offers.

"I want 50 %"says Nige,"When we has the lock in."

"forty / Sixty"I says.

"No, I'm well-chosen with half,"he says. Sarky sod.

I wanders back to me seat and tells Nozzer,"Turns out Nige illusion you so its all set up for lock in."

"Taa Chalky, I owes you one."he says.

Lock in started around 11, Sandra curl and bolted the door, hung her knickerbockers on the threshold knob and started selling durex at ten quid a throw before she sat on the billiard table, legs spread broad and started wanking with a bottle of Newcastle Brown. Newcastle-upon-Tyne Robert Brown I ask you ! No class that bint, she had empty Champagne-Ardenne bottleful and Stella, even Coke but no she had to use Newcastle brown. Still it contrasted nicely with her bright ping kitty-cat lips.

Thing was she had no takers ‘ causal agency everyone was watching Nozzer and Nige. Half the blokes had their phones out and the other lot, them what batted for the early side, had their cocks out wanking.

Nozzer had his trousers down as he bent over the Billiard mesa, don't know why he bothered as you could see his ass hole down his bum cleavage when he bent over, but there he was 46"waistline Levis and M & S Wye front end round his ankles while Nige hauled his cock out and slipped on a Durex, it were quite a prissy shade of Green if I remember right. He had a correctly boner. Mine would ingest turned inside out and done a Caranx crysos if I had even thought of bumming Nozzer but Nozzer certainly turned Nige on.

individual splashed some lubricant over Nige's cock, I say lube, it might have been gearbox oil or washing up liquid for all I know.

Then it was down to business, the tip of Nige's glistening, straining special K covered phallus eased into Nozzer's puckered Virgin asshole.

Nige beamed with the pleasure of the tight opening slowly easing undefendable from the firm pressure of his rampant penis, he pressed relaxed and pressed again, he gripped Nozzer firmly around the waist for to a greater extent leverage and grunted with the movement. Beads of sweat broke out on his brow and dripped down onto Nozzers back.

Nozzer's prick hung down like a shrivelled turnip. The shaft in his ass felt undecomposed, he just wanted it further in.

Nige pulled back for another go, this time he slid in a lot easier, he was enjoying himself, all the way out so the tip almost slipped out, then all the way right back in.

"Oh,"Nige gasped, He worried he was about to cum too quick.

"Orrggg,"Nozzer moaned as he worried he was about to chuck up ten pints of Stella and a Chicken Vindaloo.

Then it happened, Nige thrust in but something was pushing back. His fundament began to fall away. His cock was sliding out instead of in.

"What the ?"he asked rhetorically. It was the stuff of nightmares. Hs dick was being unceremoniously shoved out of Nozzer's arse by the dire tinker's dam python.

"For fucks sake !"Nige squealed as he recoiled, tripped over his bloomers and landed on his back.

The python stuck its browned top dog out of Nozzer's ass and kept coming, just a substantial shaft of shit oozing from his tight puckered ass hole.

"Wow man that's hit the spot, '' Nozzer says, as the genuine giant star shit python slithered from his ass and curled up stinking on the level like a big brownness snake coiled up ready to strike."That's what I needed man, that's ace. ``

Poor old Nige was in mellow down."Jesus !"he said,"Oh my god !"

Sandra took shame on him she expertly peeled off his condom using an inside out bag like picking up dog shit.

"Oh hapless Nige,"she says. She helped him to suffer up and kissed him on the bonce,"Come to Mummy."

Nige was crying, he was totally freaked out. Sandra held him, then in a flash of inspiration, she popped her left tit out for Nige to breastfeed on.

"Never brain ma loves you,"she said as Nige tucked into her tit.

"mommy has a special front bottom so you can fuck her without getting shit under your foreskin,"Sandra husked.

Nozzer was looking for bog roll. Sandra was ordering no one in particular to houseclean the shit up, and Nige was getting an erection again.

"Want to put your big thingy in Mummy's nice front bottom ?"Sandra asked in a dolt voice.

Nige was just confused as Sandra slipped a reinvigorated durex on Nige's cock. She eased around and bent over the boundary of the snooker mesa and reaching between her stage she guided the tip of Nige 's rapidly swelling hammer towards her pussy. Nige eased into the unfamiliar warm slippery cavern. It seemed odd that there was so little electric resistance, but it felt quite pleasant when Sandra started milking his cock with well practised cunt muscles.

Nige had barely started when he started to shoot his load.

Nozzer was rapturous."Man that was the best shit ever !"He declared loudly to anyone who would take heed,"I reckon I might wrick gay me self if its that good,"he added drunkenly.

"You really are gross,"Algenon exclaimed.

"You ent supposed to shit,"Tommy hunt club says reasonably.

"right,"says Nozzer,"So why did Chalky say to do it ?"

"Taking the piss mate,"Tommy explained.

"You bastards,"says Nige as he pulls out of Sandra with his safe entire of spunk and his face absolutely Andrew Dickson White,"Oh my god that was so awful."

"What fucking me ?"Sandra asked.

"No him shitting at me, I need therapy !"he replied.

"You need a girlfriend mate,"Sandra said,"That's twenty five quid by the way."

"Ghogof week,"I says,"Give her one get one free."

Sandra scowled,"No indigence to take the piss."

Not the most raw of answers anyway it set Nige off again. I was going to remind her that a decade was the usual explosive charge.

Sandra held Nige tenderly and side by side bloody affair he was riding her bareback with her sat on the snooker table and her feet on his articulatio humeri. Really going for it and all.

Nige's partner were staring in disbelief, they couldn't get their principal around it. Nige fucking a hoot. I forgot to film it, couldn't have flogged the footage where he didn't rubber up any road, so we all had a few more bevvies and went dwelling. Except Nige and Sandra that is, seems they stopped up all night talking about fashion and women's stuff.

So that was it. Nige needed therapy, every fourth dimension he saw an ass hole he imagined a jack python emerging and it put him right off. Then again Sandra mad a nice few cud out of Nige and every gay bloke in Lancashire was warned what happened when Nige fucked Nozzer.

See. I was right, a bit of anal cured his constipation .