Anna was going to stay with me for a calendar month, but that month turned into two. Then three. Now the new year was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not give care, of course, as I was madly in love with her, but the doubt had consumed me. Was she a roommate ? Friend ? Lover ? more than ?

The metre to give"the talk"was that first week, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few more times, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the contingent of our relationship. Anna did not seem to mind - she clearly did not need it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the window closed. She met Clive at a swap meet in other November. They went on a particular date. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no foresighted sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come menage a few nights a week. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say things like,"God, you're such a great guy. You deserve to forgather someone."It killed me. I DID deserve it, she was right. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Clive. Fucking Clive.

By Dec she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her husband and finding her own space in the new year. She was very elucidate that she felt like she was a burden to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as unclutter that I didn't care. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a shot at Christmas. Baron Clive of Plassey was going to his parent's home in Centennial State. Anna was driving to meet him on Dec. 26, but she had no plans for Yuletide day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had zippo to do. I suggested we stay in and drink wine and watch TV. She agreed.

I knew the gift I got her was crucial. I mean, just getting her a present was not enough. I needed a statement. There's a departure between a champion giving and a fan gift. I wanted to get her a lover endowment. I wanted a shag content to be sent in big, bold, capital letter, thank-the-baby-Jesus letters. No doubt. No confusion.

I got her a pair of ball field earrings. It was the kind of thing she'd never get herself. I wrote a speech, too. I had facts on how long it takes a infield to be formed, and how care and preciseness and fortune had to be exactly right for it to happen. It was a miracle, really. And just as providential, I segued, was how much she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for most of my life history, and I wanted to show her how peculiar she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my sack, in case I stumbled. It was my consequence. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in case, you know, I got a refuge gift : lovesome socks.

So on Dec 25 day, we were finished with nursing bottle two. She got that happy-kid grin on her face and said she had gotten me a present. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her elbow room. She was empty-headed. I grabbed her two endowment and put them behind my back, under the cushion, almost certain I would apply her the lover giving, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in case, I put the sock back there, too.

Five transactions later, she came back to the bread and butter room, tears streaking down her cheek. Robert Clive had hidden a little draped box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a twosome of lovely diamond earrings. She glided around the way, calling him on her mobile phone to tell him how much she loved them. I swallowed my clapper. FUCKING CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 gift card to GameStop. I gave her the socks. I had lost the fight, the battle and the war.

***

I had very particular architectural plan for New Year's Eve : I was going to imbibe heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the hard drink store and bought a fifth of vodka. As I was about to check out, I looked at the 70-proof bottle of flashy hooch and though,"Hmm, is this sufficiency ?"I bought two. And I don't even drink vodka.

I really wanted to inglorious out before Ryan Seacrest showed his fucking tanned boldness on the screen. Baron Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. Blonde hair. Highlights. Short. Perfect smile. Extremely dainty and civilized and charming and funny. He had always been mellifluous to me. A substantial gentleman, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a gravid Methedrine of liquid poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing alcohol. Still, I had a destructive run that was pointing right at my liver and tum. I tried to ignore the olfaction and took a big gulp.

My gorge was still burning when my cell rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"hi ?"

"Is this a bad time ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her voice cracked. I could tell she was choking back tear."I, uh. Are you home ? Are you out ?"

"I'm home. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … pick me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Clive he, uh … we had a fight. You know ? I just need to get menage and I left my debit card at home and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. Look, it's aplomb. Where are you ? I will forget now."

***

Anna did not blab out much on the way house, just a few thank yous. By the fourth dimension we got back to the apartment, it was a little after 10. She looked stunning, even with her makeup running down her cheeks. Her tight dark-green dress hugged her curve. I felt underdressed, what with my jean and a t-shirt.

She went back to her room, only to reemerge a little before 12. Her tomentum was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a tight T. I wanted to osculate her. It was the getup she wore the secondment dark we were together.

She sat down beside me on the lounge. She had a wine glass in her helping hand and motioned toward my bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her shabu up and sank back, her metrical unit curled under her. Her eye were red, but she was no longer crying.

"Do you want to blab out ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a fucking idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"First my hubby, now Clive. I must have a special attraction to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in Colorado over the weekend … but his married woman. She called when he was in the lav, and I picked up his cell. She was as surprise to found out about me as I was to discover out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the nerve to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her drink, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the affair is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lie down snake. I sensed it. I tried to block off it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something phony. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. variety of stared. Then a snort. Then a full laugh. I started laughing, too. She spilt a trivial of her drink on herself and laughed Thomas More. We were both doubled over.

"God,"she said, wiping the crying away."You are the right way. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an idiot. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. search, you WANT to be intimate someone. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad things. There are spoiled qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on Hope and portion and all that other fag tale clobber. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be happy and to want the substantially in others. We live in a misanthropical earth. We need to a greater extent ‘ you,'less ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her principal on my shoulder."You are a good friend,"she said. My heart sank. I was such a sucker. It was five till midnight.

We watched Time square on TV in muteness, Anna taking the occasional sip from her wine-colored methamphetamine hydrochloride. Her head stayed on my shoulder. We watched the countdown, the well-chosen faces scream and shouting. When the clock ticked one second, Anna turned and gently grabbed my head, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but goose egg was like this. It was sweet and gentle and packed with import. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her hand caressing my boldness. She put down her wine glass and started to actuate, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the room."No. No."

"What's amiss ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? Kiss you ? I thought you liked that ? We're supporter. It's OK …"

"FUCK Anna. We are NOT ally. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to have sex I love you, right ? I mean, you are a smart girl. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're friends. I can't drive it."

Tears were in her eyes again. I couldn't look at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want soul to love you and treat you right and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her hand through her pilus and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not keep a gaze. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you love me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"piece of ass, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't start now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would give birth no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the couch. I folded my workforce across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to lose me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my life, but I can't sit back and watch you date guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your problems. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can give you what you want. And I can't sit back and find out this parade of losers. I can't be your safety device net."

"I know."

I covered my eyes with my hired man, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the olfactory organ in eighth grade. I brushed the hair back, off my frontal bone. It felt heavy in the room.

"I am no-account to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my hand again. She pulled it to her chest, against her marrow. I turned to appear at her."candy kiss me,"she said."Kiss me. Let's figure the ease out later. I promise. I want this. delight ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a fixer. She hated pain in people. I wasn't sure if this was existent or her way of healing a wound. But I was sapless. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex loads, but I am not sure I had ever made sexual love to somebody. I had never connected with soul on a cardinal level. But I did with Anna that night. It was gentle and raw and emotional. On my couch. As Ryan Seacrest spoke in the background.

I stripped her clothes off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my cock as I wrapped her legs around me. I eased into her, slipping my limb around her waist so I could pull up her tight against me. It was the first time I had been completely inside of her. I tried to urinate the second last.

Our dead body responded to each other. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her lips never left mine. I could taste the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks from her tears on her lips. Her knife was aggressive but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my back and kissed me toilsome. She said my name and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the pill. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my school principal back so I could see her eyes. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A smile of recognition. I kissed her as I came, my turncock exploding into the abyss of happiness and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my couch, wrapped in a cover. Her wooden leg wrapped around mine, her head on my chest and her fingerbreadth playfully running through my hair.

"I think this change everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able to see at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few seconds later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my judgment raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .