headwaiter Beckinthwaite 's Bride.

I 'm Captain Thomas bloody Beckinthwaite, from bloody Yorkshire and I do n't pay a bugger what you bloody cerebrate because I bloody speak as I bloody receive.

We had a flaming bad trip back from America on Steamship and when we got back to Liverpool I made sure me brass were safe and went to see bloody agentive role first thing.

I went in his office.It stunk like a lady of pleasure boudoir with furnishings to match. agent were a unworthy shit with slicked down whisker and poncy cause. He sat behind this over svelte bloody oakwood crashing desk about the size of a bloody cricket wicket the useless bastard.

"Good day headwaiter, I am delighted to meet you at concluding,"he simpered wi'out standing up.

"No thee bloody ent,"I said,"Thee jus wants me brass section,"I answered him,"I'm from bloody Yorksire and I speaks me bally brain,"I explained to the ignorant Lancashire twat.

"Er, yes, the brass,"he said awkwardly.

"Ton and a half of it,"I said,"Dubloons, pieces of eight, that sort of brass."

"We thought you meant Brass,"his helper chipped in. She was like a short haired gorilla in a black dress with a gob like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

"Brass, Money,"I said,"Bloody simple enough even for you bloody ignorant Lanky sodomite ent it ?"

"brass instrument is an alloy of Copper and Tin,"she ventured.

"Clever beef eh, need to be with a gob like yours,"I advised, `` Ent going to get far wi your bloody looks and that 's a bloody fact..

"How a great deal were you asking ?"the slimy one asked.

I told him, showed him chit for it.

"Yes we will pay the asking price,"the slimy illegitimate child said rooking me,"The cheque please missy Rathbone."and they give me it and it were done.

I nipped fill out money box and paid it in quick. Daft by-blow on counter near fainted at size of cheque but I drew out a fair few quid and went about me business.

15 bloody Clarence Day voyage took, bloody steamer broke down on the way but at last I had some brass instrument in bank and could come home instead of scratting round down South US way meking a bob or two here an there.

I went to see seaport professional what were a first mate of mine, we had a chat for a few minutes then I asked"Where's slave market place, I fancies a squeamish plump fresh Brown one."

"By heck you been away a bloody while,"he said,"Thee casn't have slaves in England any more."

"You what ?"I demanded.

"Nay,"He said,"They banned slave'ry back in 30 three and anyroad nobs got fed up wi novelty an let most of ‘ em go free."

"Bloody heck,"I said,"Where the bloody hell do I obtain a nice plump virgin for tonight ?"

"Tonight, Thee'll be bloody favourable to find one in Salford at all, thee'll have to espouse a nob lad !"he laughed.

I had a think. Go without, jeopardy fancy woman house or wed a nob. Marrying a nob seemed best idea.

I had a think and thought nobs hung out at Queens Hotel so that's where I went, they had dinner party Menu exterior. and it were just after noon so I thought I would have a bite to eat. Now I ent thick or nowt but I couldn't make caput or derriere o menu so I thought I woud ask server. Turns out they has dinner at tea time and high noon time was luncheon. Anyroad I had a feed.

coach come up to me and asked me patronage,"Looking for a nob to marry,"I said,"Posh bint like, got to be perfect mind."

He got faulty end of stick and suggested a couple of whore sign.

"Nay I want a woman for dungeon see, If I pay out a comely bit and keeps her bloody chained up I have an asset see, not keep back forking out for tarts till I gets damn clap and me cock rots off."

"You can't keep striver anymore, but there's a chap round Inkerman Street does a smashing range of sexual morality belts,"he suggested,"Actually, tween thee and me, that Lord wi his binding to us over there's got more daughters than you can shake a stick at, why not make him an offer ?"

I looked, some poncy old codger talking to his mates over a splinter of fish and fall o vino that woudn't sustain a damn church mouse.

"That's W. C. Handy,"I said giving him a big tip and I sauntered across.

"I hear you got a couple of daughters to unlade like ?"I says straight out.

"And who the inferno are you sir ?"he snapped as he stood to face me,"Have you no decorum."

"What's blinking decorum,"I says,"I ent no home painter I'm bloody Captain bloody Beckinthwaite from bloody Yorkshire and I speaks me bally mind."

His poncy nob Paraguay tea was pissing they selves laughing at me,"Look if its bloody brass you want I'll pay top dollar, long as she's Virgo, two legs, two arms, couple of bloody tits, own tooth, earshot and seeing would be a bonus but long as she can do in bloody bed I ent that bloody fussed."

"I say George,"one of his mates, a simpering prat dressed like a right ponce says,"You might well marry off your Emily if you play your notice right."

"I ent playing no bloody card,"I said,"Hard cash, I knows too many crashing card sharps."

"I have never been so insult sir,"he says, but his Paraguay tea grabbed his arm.

"George, think, he'll pay,"this lad said,"Instead of a demanding a dowery he'll pay you, you know you need the wonga.

"Ah,"he said,"I understand you now, why not come to my mansion directly and meet my daughters ?"

His poncy match warned him not to seem too keen but as soon as I said I'd pay their tab he agreed.

The bloke lived a sea mile or so from hotel, so we hailed a cab. His place needed a clout of pigment and the butler's jacket had seen better days.

"Shall I show the, er, Gentleman, to the servants quartern,"bloody sarky Butler smirked.

"No he is a Guest, Mr '' the bloke explained

"Captain Beckintwaite,"I said,"From bloody Yorkshire and speaks me bloody judgment. Know thee's bloody topographic point or thee'll feel me blooming belt hybridization thee bloody ass."

"I beg your amnesty,"he said all sarky like,"Sir."

Bloody woman turns up,"By heck you're an ugly bitch,"I says,"Hope you ent his bloody girl, thee'd have to pay mesen to jab thee."

"This is my wife Captain,"bloke says,"Lady McGonnegal."

"No offense like,"I says as she belts me round the chopper, we her dainty hand and half inch long finger nails."Feisty opus ent she ?"

"Captain Beckinthwaite indirect request to court of law one of our girl high-priced,"the gent says, I sort of guessed he was lord McGonnegal, Lord Mc for short.

"Over my dead body,"lady Mc retorted. I drew me dagger.

"Come now we are all friends here,"God Almighty Mc pleaded as his case went a deathly Edward D. White,"maitre d' Beckinthwaite has just returned from a very profitabe adventure in the Americas."

"Bloody nightmare,"I said,"Storms, storm, bloody run body of water pump bloody spindle bloody secreter bloody blew and I haven't had a damn shag in weeks."

"Capain please,"noblewoman Mc insisted.

"I had a bloody gut wide-cut on't it, bloody shipping lark."I said,"administration is in bloody mining that's what I reckon, high bloody clock time to bloody locate down."

"And you seek to court of justice my daughters ?"noblewoman Mc asked.

"Bloody shag em more bloody like,"I said,"Don't mind bloody paying,"I says,"Just as long as I gets her to me self, don't want no filthy bloody Samuel Butler poking on her like thee and he does soon as blooming Lordship'spinal column 's turned."

Butler blushed near as red as her Ladyship did, I reckoned I had hit bloody nail on't bloody head, I also reckoned lord Mc were in on't as well.

Lady Mc knew when to celebrate stum so she showed us into sitting room."Girls,"she says,"Come and meet chieftain er, what is your figure ?"

"Beckinthwaite,"I says,"From Yorkshire."

The first girl were knockout, blonde whisker on her shoulders, blue oculus, square toes rigged dress showcasing her tits, out of my league, probably been rogered by half the servants, any road her scowled at me.

"This is Philomena my second eldest,"Lady Mc explained.

"So who is Mr Beckinthwaite ?"the girl asked.

"Bloody deep and in need of a crashing fuck,"I said,"I'm Yorkshire bloody Born and bred and I speaks me bloody judgement and you're a knockout and no mistake."

"I speak my mind too sir and you sir are entirely repulsive,"she explained.

Another visual modality of beauteousness followed into the room,"Queen Victoria,"peeress Mc explained,"And my eldest Francis."

Bloody hell, her were no oil picture, well if her was it were by a bloody kid wi a bloody katzenjammer. Wi her short fuzz and scowling face if it had n't been for her knocker you 'd take thought she were a blooming bloke

"Reet Francis, hedging your bloody bets were you ?"I asked.

"How so ?"Lady Mc asked.

"Couldn't Tell if it were a all-fired cuss or a all-fired bint eh, I seen prettier bloody cabin boys, baboons even,"I laughed.

"good then we are in pact Captain,"Francis snapped,"You are equally revolting, is that an millstone cuddle in your beard ?"

"Bet bloody suitors are a bit sparse on bloody ground,"I laughed. She actually looked hurt.

"I have no pursuit in such matters,"she said.

I thought a bit bloody quick, good chance her were a bloody virgin, if I blew bally candle out it wouldn't matter what her bloody face looked like.

"Well I reckon you might be just what I'm bloody after. I ent fussed about bloody looks all I want's is me bloody end away,"I said,"Just as bloody long as you 're a bloody virgin I ‘ ll shtup thee and and wed thee and I can't say average than that."

"Captain !"lord Mc protested.

"basketball team hundred,"I offered,"Guinea, to film her off thi bloody hands and put a anchor ring on her bloody digit, take in it or give it."

"We really postulate the money,"gentlewoman Mc confessed.

"And you expect me to lay with this colossus for money ?"Francis demanded.

"I want's a bally wife lass, not just a bloody prostitute to shag, soul to expect after me damn household, cook, clean look after bloody youngster, that kind o thing."I ventured.

"No pretence of lovemaking or fondness then ?"she asked.

"No, Bloody bollocks is that, bally affection, I just wants a flaming roll in the hay, you wo n't do wagerer than that and I shan't bloody offer a damn gain."I said.

"good,"she said,"Then I won't need to say no again, the answer captain is no, never."She stormed away in a bloody strop.

"Feisty objet d'art ent her ?"I queried,"I got the cash,"I said,"If thee thought process I were bloody messing."

noble Mc's eyes bulged as I showed a scoop wide of gold.

"rent a Methedrine of vino Captain,"he said,"Perhaps."

"Oh no, no way,"the other girl insisted and they too rushed away.

"Let her calm down a moment,"Godhead Mc suggested,"I have a nice Madeira wine."

"Go on then, I'll have a crashing pint."I said. He gave me about enough to drown a bloody mouse, tight fisted sod.

He had his missis go and sort Francis out.

I heard a ruction,"Get off me !"I heard the young woman protest,"Stop it, stop it mother I would rather die than marry that atrocious man."

"Whats bloody on ?"I asked,"I offered a funfair bloody Price, what's wrong wi her."

I stood up and went where the miss went, following the audio up the stairs me hobnail boots clattering on fresh smoothen oak floors, till I got to her bed room.

The mother were there with two chamber housemaid and the housekeeper. Poor Francis had her clothes off and looked like she been whacked across face with a drained Haddock. Stunned she were.

All she had on were her corsets and knee length stockings, no knee pants or zip but showing her privates and overnice creamy thigh.

The mothern and housekeeper grabbed Francis and spread her leg wide,"Take a smell Captain,"Lady Mc invited with a smirk.

"Get off her you bloody bullies, bugger off,"I snapped,"I don't her maulered about by the ilk of you. Go on. Get out."

"But headwaiter,"dame Mc replied but the flicker of light off me obelisk blade soon changed her bloody tune,"Leave them, get out, get out."

"Are you about to remove me Captain ?"Francis asked.

I kicked the door shut and bolted it.

"No, I'd kill your bloody mother if I was you,"I said as I approached the bed,"Don't fret lass, I never had to force a bally doll to get laid me in me blooming life."

She sat on the edge of the bed and covered her privates as I approached.

I knelt down bfore her and gently pulled her hand away. She shuddered. I gave her a minute.

"Don't fret, I'll not hurt thee."I promised and then first I ran me fingers gently up her second joint and then I started to part her snatch brim with me fingers. It weren't the world-class time. Her puss was well used.

"feel like you been bally shagging already ?"I announced

"Oh no, of track not,"she insisted,"How can you say such a thing ?"

"wellspring your bloody maidenhead ‘ s long gone,"I observed,"If thee ent had a bloody feller I suppose thee's been fucking thee's sen wi a bloody candela then has tha ? Like I caught me bloody sister doing a clock time or two ?"

"How did you know ?"she demanded.

"I weren't born bloody yesterday,"I explained as I undid me big pirates belt and let me trews declension,"Lets call it our picayune bloody secret shall us ?

"tone captain,"she protested but me finger were no bloody unknown to a wench's pussy and wi me flip on her small nub her boob were getting Nice and pointy.

She started breathing intemperate

"Bloody fortnight wi out a shag,"I explained,"Can't wait me to stop now lass."I kicked me trews off me boots.

"But police captain,"she protested.

I weren't born yesterday, no sound ramming me cock at her, I had to be suttle.

I leaned forward and kissed her neck, her weren't expecting it, so I kissed me way down across her tits and on down to her mound. She sort of wriggled. and gasped. I slid back a bit and kissed me way up her thigh till I got me knife in the groove between her lip down there.

"Nooo,"she said but I were not about to be denied. Her cunt was getting really moist now so I decided it were now or fucking never and I stood up before aiming me old man at her cunt.

"What's it to be lass, will thee flaming contract me ?"I asked me knob straining like a bloody mizenmast mast in me hand.

Her eye were the likes of saucers, she said nowt but grasped me knob and helped me aim it in her. I pressed a bit and me bloody knob end just shot up her soppin'wet bloody cunt like an Anchor up a hawse pipe.It were bloody heaven. rightfield in cashbox me balls were banging on her fork,"What the bloody inferno size bloody candle youm been using ?"I asked.

"Oooh maitre d'hotel,"she simpered,"That's so, ah,"

"Big ?"I asked."See being bloody fucked ent so bloody bad is it ?"

"Like a big warm supple candle, Surprisingly pleasant,"she agreed,

"So what's it to be lass."I asked,"Wed me or tek governing body for the bloody fuck. Once I shot me bloody load in thee its for bloody life like, if thee can't stomach it say now and I'll shoot me bloody load over thee belly and say no more about it."

"And the money ?"she asked.

"50 guinea,"I said,"Not bad for shooting me bloody lode over thi bloody belly ?"

"Thank you kindly skipper, but shoot away sir,"she insisted,"For I fear you can not restrain yourself and I believe you have a kind heart under that blunt Yorkshire exterior."

"Thee want's me to dissipate a dose of hot spunk up thee then, does thee ?"I asked.

She nodded,"Indeed I do,"she muttered,"So do your forged Captain."

Me balls was blinking crinkling and me pecker was crashing throbbing and suddenly it were too latterly for bloody pullin'out and she was well fucked with me juice pumping in her like a pint of Newton and Ridley pumping from beer tap.

"How was that then lass ?"I asked when I recovered a bit.

"Surprisingly pleasant police captain,"she chuckled,"Next time perhaps you will bathe first so it is less like being ravished by a wild boar."

"Bathe be buggered, I fell in bloody Mersey yesterday,"I explained as I pulled out of her,"sucking me damn tool surd I want's t'fuck thee again. ``

"Only when you have asked me to wed you,"she laughed

"I already did,"I reminded her.

"I think not,"she replied,"But you may suck my teats if it helps to rout out you."And with that she pulled her nipple right out of her corset and ordered,"Off with your shirt I wish to feel your manly chest of drawers against mine."

"You ent got a manly chest,"I laughed,"Quite the bloody opposite,"and I pulled my shirt and vest off and held her close. Our mouths met, our tongues entwined. It do n't matter much what they bloody look like wi your knife in their gob, so me stopcock reared and before I knew it we was bloody fucking again. Bloody bint was insatiable.

We gave it an hour or so before we went back downstairs. God Almighty and Lady Mc was waiting.

"We're getting wed,"I explained,"If you're agreeable like ?"

"Absolutely old chap, congratulations,"Lord Mc chortled,"Let us have the appointment announced in Lancashire evening post.

"Bugger that I'm a all-fired sea police captain, '' I explained,"We can nip down blinking harbour and I can do blinking married couple, no flaming need to neutralize bloody administration on bloody vicars. In fact we can bloody do it now."

Anyway her wanted her day in church service so we're getting wed official like, and do you know after we fucked a time or two her started smiling at me and her looks quite bloody comely if you squints a bit and the luminosity behind her. But at end of bloody day its what they fucks like what matters and she's fucking champion and no mistake, even if she do come from blinking Lancashire .