My First Lesbian Experience

It was late. It was raining. And dark. And cold.

The strait of the folk grouping wafted down the street from the Flying sawbuck as I nibbled at something that might once have been a cod before it was cremated and sealed in cardboard flavoured icteric concrete and stuffed in newspaper with slices of raw potato.

I opened the pub door as the Union chuck premier ( and only ) Lesbian anti Pedophile dance orchestra Boris and the Pedos sang.
"String the sodomist up"
"String the bugger up"
"There's goose egg as vile as a pedophile, so string the sodomist up !"An audience of three skin head word and an old codger who mistook it for dominoes night sat there bored out their skulls.

"All right Johnno ?"Boris the lead Isaac M. Singer shouted as her stria rested between numbers.

Nearly bald, five five over twenty Harlan Fisk Stone, squeezed into extra magnanimous jeans three sizing too small-scale with a leather cap what had probably been old when the showtime humankind war was on she was the variety of butch lesbian who got dyke lesbians a bad name.

nous you the way she liked fucking convicted pedos up the ass with a sled hammer handgrip made me wonder whether she actually was a lesso. She had cracking basso barytone interpreter though, commiseration she was chant deaf.

"Not so bad, how's it going ?"I asked.

"Not so bad,"she said,"Any favourite ?"

"Bit of poetry ?"I suggested,"The gallows shoetree ?"

"Sit thee down, and rest awhile."
"And watch the lonely pedophile."I started

"As swaying gently in the breeze, he dangles from the gallows tree !"she finished, ah that's poetry.

"You can't bring intellectual nourishment in here,"Sandra the barmaid shouted.

"Its from the kebab shop, I don't reckon it counts as food,"I moaned.

"Them fucking cunts hates us,"Harley Charlie, the moped riding chief skinhead announced,"They ought to fuck off back where the come from."

"Where fucking Oldham ?"his spouse asked.

"Who gives a piece of ass, Army of the Righteous have a sing strain, that old one,"he said drunkenly,"Andrew D. White Cliffs of Dover !"

"We'll chuck Pedos over, the White drop of Dover, tomorrow just you wait and see."

"We'll get all them dickhead and chuck the quietus over after,"I suggested,"Then we'll be fucking Pedo release !"

"You got the words Johnno ?"Boris asked.

"No I just fucking made it up, Saviour fucking christ."I replied.

"shuffle a cracking record,"Charlie said, and he stood up,"Need a horseshit, get the potable in Nobber."

"Why the fuck do I always get to get the potable in ?"Nobber asked.

"‘ drive your on benefit, no one else got any cash ?"I suggested.

"Fucking hard work, benefit, having to recollect to fucking limp."Nobber said, but no one gave a fuck.

"What you having Johnno ?"Sandra asked.

"Anal ?"I suggested.

"To drink in not later you filthy bastard !"Sandra retorted and Boris flashed me a lightlessness feeling, she must have thought she had pulled.

"Rats piss,"I said.

"You can have one Stella ‘ movement I know what your like after a few pint eh Mr floppy !"Sandra laughed.

"All fucking right, it was only once."I stammered as me face went bright red,"Ever gear up me."

"Fuck anything anything any time ?"John James Henry Leigh Hunt the bookie from Matson street walked out the bog and started taunting me. Hunt the pussy as we called him.

"Long as its over 18, and has a cunt and a pulse,"I protested.

"Like a cow ?"he laughed.

"Technically they has a foyer not a slit,"I said using my victor intellect gained from watching pointless shtup game show and alike crap on pointless screwing daytime TV.

"Her then,"he said pointing at Boris.

"nookie off she's a fucking Lesso."I said supportively.

"fifty plug says you can't."He suggested.

"Fifty quid each ?"Boris asked.

"Two hundred, puddle it five !"James Henry Leigh Hunt the cunt taunted.

"Christ,"Boris said,"I could use a few quid as it happens."

"Oh for screwing sake,"James Henry Leigh Hunt sighed,"I was taking the piss."

"We heard,"Harley Charlie chuckled,"What you reckon Johnno ?"

"Yeah, why not, I'm up for it."I lied. Jesus it would be halfway to turning fucking gay. Fucking a fat bald geezer even if it did consume a cunt somewhere under the ugly keen flock of belly skin.

"This I just got to see !"Sandra said. What I didn't know was she texted all her mates and said to fare rhythm and watch.

"So what's your game ?"Nobber asks Hunt the Cunt.

"Just like to see Mytilene sorted out,"he sniggered.

"Wants a share of the CCTV rightfulness more like,"I sighed knowing one-half of Saudiafuckingrabia had seen my ass bobbing around on some erotica channel streamed from the CCTV as I gave Sandra a portion one night after lock up.

"chap what do you take me for ?"Hunt asked.

"Money grabbing cunt,"Harley Charlie said nicely.

"Yeah well making money's me hobby ennit ?"Leigh Hunt laughed,"Go on. I'll make it a high-flown each."

"I dunno,"I said,"What you reckon Boris ?"

"If your up for it I am."she said,"I need the cash."

"getting up for its the job,"I thought to me self as I tried to shut me heart and think of England, or actually that shot in Nihon Porno Farm three where the Jap girls all strip off on the parade ground and get going doing exercises until the cuss start fucking them.

It was no unspoilt, me cock did a passable imitation of a Gallic S Cargo ( Snail ).

"In the back way ?"I suggested.

"ringlet the room access Sandra,"Richard Morris Hunt suggested.

"roll in the hay that me mates is coming,"Sandra explained.

"Oh fucking jesus."I thought.

"Right lets do one Thomas More set of can buy me love,"Boris called as she twanged a horrible row from her authentic Chinese Scatocaster Guitar, It might have worked skillful if she had noticed it was for 120 volts not 240 but reading and thinking were not exactly her hard points.

"Buy me a Diamond ring you cunt and you can log Z's with me tonight."
"marijuana cigarette it up me bum you cunt and I'll make it all seem right.
"Cause all I want is,"“ Lots of money and Money can buy me love,"
"Can buy me luh-uv,"
she wailed.

Poor old Macker John Lennon must have been turning in his pit.

Actually the pub was filling nicely.

Boris was starting another set.

"Tie a fucking pedo round the old oak tree
If he fucking dies its all right by me."

"Who writes this diddly-shit ?"James Henry Leigh Hunt asked.

I never admitted anything,"Its satire,"I said.

"nooky racist,"he said shaking his head.

"Across the sea, where all the priest are paedophile, ''
"Celibate means the nookie lot are gay."Boris warbled to what might well have been supposed to be the tune to"Danny Boy."

"Saviour interest Johnno she'll be on the racist Irish bull side by side do something !"Sandra hissed in me lug gob as the pub filled with her mates.

I stepped up to the mike, I got a half decorous voice, well it was ok till it broke, form of rip down the middle more like, when me balls dropped."You all know this one,"I shouted and started singing a crapello, that means on me tod.

"The Dew on the meadow, the mist on the stream.
The river runs down to the sea."

"We gather together to recognise the morning
and England belongs to me."

Boris's mate crashed in a few random chords on bass voice Guitar which was handy because I started far too high

"So bugger the spaniards and bugger the frogs, and bugger the old EEC
The whole fucking Eurozone can get stuffed 'cause England belongs to me."

"Italians are pedopiles so are the Kraut, the polish have all got VD
So lets get and build an atomic bomb and gas them to buggery."

"And shoot a line them to Bug, and blow them to Bug,"

"And blow them to bug er ree !"I finished as a solo and then tried to make a run for it.

"Bloody hell that was fucking brilliant !"this pissed up tart with DD tits and blonde hair's-breadth straight out of a sprayer can who might have passed for 25 on a wickedness night where you couldn't see the wrinkles under her eyes cooed as she pressed her mamilla against me.

Suddenly S lading turned to frankfurter, well more corresponding heather handle if I'm true ‘ lawsuit I wont see 20 again in a hurry like either.

"Ohhh you are a big boy,"she cooed as she cupped me balls through me jeans.

"Its now or never,"I thought as I pulled away from her.

"And now the main outcome,"I said,"Drum roll please Karen."

"I'm fucking Elsie you blind fathead !"the drummer replied but she started smacking hell out of the barrel skins all same.

"Go for it ?"Boris asked.

I nodded.

She pulled down her skin wet extra large jeans and the biggest roller of pink belly fat you ever did see cascaded down completely hiding what looked like a tiny pair of pink panties.

Me ardour was fading. ( Posh patois for me putz was shrinking, fast )

"Stick it anywhere no one will comment !"Boris hissed as I dropped my gasp and pushed her against the bar.

Now any reasonable fucker would have rubbered up but I didn't have time, and anyway plan A was to snap up somewhere under a roll of flabby under her belly push button but wouldn't you know whoremaster Lowell Jackson Thomas went straight for the moist place. I reckon she must have got fancied the blonde tart with the DDs same as I had.

The feel of me nude tittup oral sex on a moist cunt sassing is much the Lapplander whether its Brianny or Mad Donna or someone what looks like some fuckers grandad and I made the error of shutting me eyes.

Next fucking thing I was going for it. Fucking JT was in. rightfulness up, that fucking flab was diffused as piece of tail and just flowed out the way. She was truly fucked. I was truly fucked.

"Oh god."I moaned but I never had the gumption to stop.

"No don't that feels too nice, for shtup sake Johnno !"Boris was wailing.

I started going for it, like a fucking terrier against a hessian boot, it felt too fucking good. It was all unseasonable and then the insistency passing alarm went off in me bollocks.

"Ready or not I'm coming !"I shouted and to a bloody big sunshine I shot me load.

"pretender !"soul cried.

"He fucking didn't he slimed me !"Boris protested and she showed three of her dumpy fingers inside her and dragged them out glistening with spunk.

roll in the hay applause all round, fucking ten stone and a bit weakling and a butch les. It must have looked hilarious, like one of them piffling male spider fucking them huge female Black person widder spider except I hadn't been ate yet.

"Pay time,"I said as Gospel According to John Hunt tried to pussyfoot away.

"Fair do's you earned it,"he laughed and he flashed a wad of tone. I flicked through.

"And the rest,"I said without counting.

He coughed up another ton or so which brought it just over two rarified which was fair.

"You really would fuck anything you fucking louse,"Sandra said.

"Fucking pot calling the fucking tympanum,"I said,"At to the lowest degree I get a high-flown not a one-half of lager and a few chips."

"Too shay,"she said,"Anyway its condom for you now, you don't know where that's been."

"Fucking dayspring after contraceptive pill, is the latterly night pharmacist still unfold ?"I asked.

"I crumbled two in her vodka and Orange River,"Sandra said,"Someone has to look after you."

"I know,"I said,"I am grateful."

"Elsie says if I have IVF and have triplets we can get a 3 chamber council business firm straight away,"Sandra said all innocent like.

"Not that fucking grateful,"I said as Boris decided not to bother trying to force her belly back in her jeans but to stick the spare mike up her cunt instead as she launched in to song.

"He's got a Pedo's bollocks in his hired man,
He's got his dick and bollocks in his hand,"and as she sang,
'' He's got a Pedo's ballock in his script, '' again the the audience joined in with.
"And he'll rip the fuckers off !"

"There ain't no way for Pedo's in this kingdom,"they continued.

I'd had decent, I felt puke, that was pretty low fucking a ugly dike Les for money, Ok in effect than brush roads or collecting tax or walking the streets like a plodding but pretty bloody low.

I opened the door. There were half a XII uniforms sheltering in the porch.

"Oh its you Allthwaite,"the constabulary serjeant-at-law said knowingly,"Off house ?"

"Nah off down the Mosk for Friday Prayers."I corrected him.

"Its Tuesday,"the serjeant-at-law corrected,"This Gentlemen is your actual Black Muslim Gay Lesbian transsexual phallus of every bloody minority the home office has ever heard of and plenty more beside, arrest him at your peril."

My reputation had preceded me"Box tick,"I agreed.

"Just screwing off."He said.

So I did, and they arrested some bloke who came out his gaff in his nightshirt to complain about the row.

Its a funny old world.

And that was me first Lesbian experience .