Blagthorpe, Yorkshire, England 1886. Finest pit int'whole world.

Life were backbreaking back then

I were standing by fire in pit drumhead office watching our firstborn Lucy shovelling ember into railway wagon, as fast as any man. By eck, I thought, what a lassie, and that's when I had a notion.

I'm Henry Blagthorpe, They calls me Lord Blagthorpe, or that cocksucker Blagthorpe. I own pit and village of Blagthorpe as it happens, I has a report you see.

I married a widdow, Elsie Sugden. Her had a kid already, Lucy. I says married, we never wasted brass on church or zero. Every bit of boldness went into business.

Useless bitch she were and all. Seven bloody giirls her popped before her call out adequate and went to sleep in part with room, well one of em, I had twelve sleeping room at last count.

I went outside to have a word,"Eee lass thee's fit."I says to our Lucy.

"What's this chatting up thee daughter, he'll be in thee knickerbockers next,"Cocker Drayton joked.

"Button it Cocker,"I says,"I means she's stiff as any bloke,"I says.

"fountainhead don't go geting any estimate,"Lucy snapped,"I told thee I'll not cook and clean for thee, nor go down pit, I'd rather go down whore house."

"Look here, thee'd frighten blokes stupid, now if thee's got any common sense thee's sell the honour to gamy bidder."I suggested.

"And how much would you offer ?"she asked.

"Five bob,"I laughed.

"Done, I'll tell our mam."she grinned and went back to shovelling. She must bear been hot as she had her shirt undone and thee could see her whatsits swinging as she shovelled.

I got home after dark. tabular array was set. Tea was cold as always. Elsie was bloody measly as always.

"For half a bally crown I'd send the lot of thee to workhouse,"I joked to lighten mood.

"For half a crown I'd bloody go,"Elsie said moodily.

"Mam our Dad offered five bob for me honour,"Lucy blurted out as she washed the ember rubble off her while stripped to the waist by kitchen sink.

"Some blooming hopes it must be longsighted gone,"Elsie snapped.

"No, no bugger's had me our mam, ent no one as I fancy,"Lucy said,"Except Daddy."

"Now hang on I were jesting,"I said,"Thee's me daughter."

"So why am I working in pit not at some poncy finishing school or some such ?"Lucy asked.

"I don't want thee cavorting with toff, I wants thee,"I said,"I wants thee close at helping hand so I can look after thee."

"So no other sod has me,"she challenged,"You want's me for thee own, for thee whore !"

She stood there, whatsits hanging out, the teats all stood up, facial expression and hair all black, and it hit me."I reckon thee's right."I said. I had a think,"Thee's old enough, there ‘ ent nowt but courtesy for keeping thee around as thee ent mine so there ‘ ent no reason we shouldn't is there."

"I'd snap thee picayune dick in half,"she challenged wi'her eyes ablaze.

"Go and fuck the little squawk,"Elsie said,"Then chuck her out ungrateful mare."

I found a golden guinea,"Here thee are then,"I says as I handed it to her,"Get thee kit off."

"I suppose you want's alteration ?"she said.

"Nah keep it,"I said. Our Elsie near fainted, she were so shocked by me generosity.

"Da,"Lucy says,"Can we go somewhere more private ?"

"Nay, bugger it, me saps up,"I says,"Bend over postpone our Lucy I'll biff thee from behind."

Our Elsie made a outer space and Lucy dropped her mans breeches what she wore and bent over table.

Her woman 's parts was all pink and moist and me tadger was straining fit to bust so I had me belt undone and me kecks round me ankles afore you could say"Ee Bah Gum."

It were lucky he were straining as her thingy put up a battle as I went to horn in her, I had to attend on to her whatsits to get a bit of purchase like, but all of a sudden it gev way and I were bollock bass inside her undergarment. Her moaned all fulfill like as I poked away at her.

It was damn adept, her seemed to enjoy it as well. I enjoyed me self like I hadn't for bloody ages. In the end when I shot me bolt I were bloody knackered.

I sat down. Our Elsie pushed me tea in social movement of me. It were common cold, all-fired inedible like. I flung it at her,"Am off down bloody chippy, you coming our Lucy ?"

"What about us ?"Elsie whined.

"Thee made bloody guck, thee can bloody eat ont,"I told her.

Our Lucy pulld her breech up and that and off we went.

They were shocked to see I down Chippy, They let us go first in queue on account statement of none of ‘ em wanted the sack.

"Two Melanogrammus aeglefinus and a bag o'microchip,"I says,"And what ever thee's having,"I gestured towards our Lucy.

"I'll have a meat pie,"Lucy says,"The big un, what sort of gist is it."

"horse cavalry,"Chippy said,"Thee Faither lets us have pit ponies cheap when they're knackered."

"master Blagthorpe to thee, any road beat she ‘ ent me girl no more ‘ cause I been poking her and she's mine now."

"Not till you put a ring on me finger I ent,"Lucy says,"You ent me dad, you ent me zero,"

"Bloody hellhole girl,"I says,"Thee don't bent around do thee ?"I thought a mo. She were fit, healthy, why she had a considerably than average chance of bearing me a son. Me brain were made up.

"Marry me then our Lucy !"I says.

"‘ row I will,"she says,"net ball nip off Down vicarage and set things in motion."

"Bugger me tha'don't hang about.|"I admitted.

"I had a expert teacher,"she smiled.

We picked up us ginger snap and headed off down vicar's place.

Vicar bloody near had a fit,"But she's your girl !"he whined.

"footstep daughter,"Lucy reminded him,"Him and me Mam ent married any road and me half sisters is all bastards."

"I wouldn't cry all of em illegitimate child, bloody irritating mebe,"I confessed.

"She means technically,"the Vicar said helpfully,"So there is a lot to organise, bloom, bells, choir,"

"That's bollocks is that,"Lucy says,"No flowers, no bells, no consort, no bloody fancy wearing apparel, just call the Banns, marry us region way through morning overhaul and then us can get started on a son and heir for Daddy, I mean for Henry."

"Are you sure ?"I asks.

‘ Course I'm sure,"Lucy insisted,"I know thee loves brass Thomas More than anything so I ent going to bulge out off by riling thee am I ?"

I were shocked to the core, she understood me in a way our Elsie never did. Elsie always wanted new clobber long afore the old were wore out, her'd of treasured flowers and the whole bloody shebang.

We went back home, I expected Lucy to scat in along with I but her said not till us was wed so I had to make do with Elsie and her sole let me poke her backside.

III calendar week later we was wed. Bloody hell did I know it. I were bloody drained. Her wanted it morning high noon and night, afore break fast, during daybreak fag good luck, snap time and after tea as well as bed clock time.

"You'll give me heart and soul attack !"I protested as she jumped on me thingy for the second base metre in an 60 minutes in pit power wi clerks and that trying to expect t'early way.

"And all thee stuff will be mine,"she said her eye ablaze.

"Ah, so that's thee plan,"I agreed as her bounced up and down on me thingy which were stiff as a pit airscrew,"So what u'd thee variety if I popped me clogs ?"

"Kick our bloody Mam out for a start, and me bally sisters,"she said,"Get a right planetary house what's easily to preserve clean and ardent W. C. Handy for pit."

"And,"I says as her bounciness up, down and sideways on me thingy, pleasuring her sen.

"Get me self a fit cuss what can roger me sideways all day and all night."she said wistfully.

"He'd have thee fat we child afore thee knowed,"I assured her,"But thee has a item, what bloody use is thee Mam except when thee has womens thingys and I can't have thee. chow her out and the Thomas Kid, send em down piece of work house."

"You callous mother fucker !"she said,"They're your bloody kids."

"Not a shit o safe none of em,"I admitted,"e should give up the bloody lot out."

"Thing is,"Lucy said,"If we moved in that nice three bed down Abbotoire route as I got me eye on."

"Yes ?"I said,"We could let big mansion out as flats, send the older female child down pit, lend immature to chimney chimneysweep, and set our Mam up in her own sporting lady house and armorial bearing her rent."

I were gob smacked. I shot me load in jounce."Bugger me our Lucy,"I says,"Why the ‘ ell didn't I think of that !"

"Yer gettin'old, and I had a goodness teacher,"she happily as she climbed off me and wiped her sen on table cloth."Now have a bit of a kip, I'll be back for more in half a mo !"

Her went back to shovelling.

"Her'll have thee in betimes tomb you mark my Book,"Cocker Drayton gaffer clerk muttered.

"I die happy,"I answered,"Then mebbe her'll fuck thee ?"

He went quite pale.

"I'm bloody joking you wazzock !"I taunted him.

He bloody fainted. Said it were jounce of me cracking a caper, starting time time in the 20 eld he 'd worked'for me.

Its bloody funny what love does to thee .