Anna was going to delay with me for a month, but that month turned into two. Then three. Now the new year was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not care, of trend, as I was madly in dear with her, but the uncertainty had consumed me. Was she a roommate ? ally ? Lover ? Thomas More ?

The clip to receive"the talk"was that outset week, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few more times, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the details of our relationship. Anna did not seem to listen - she clearly did not want it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the windowpane closed. She met Clive at a swap meet in early November. They went on a date. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no longer sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come home base a few dark a week. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say thing like,"God, you're such a capital guy. You deserve to meet someone."It killed me. I DID deserve it, she was right. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Robert Clive. Fucking Clive.

By December she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her husband and finding her own station in the new twelvemonth. She was very clear that she felt like she was a burden to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as clean-cut that I didn't guardianship. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a shot at Christmas. Clive was going to his parent's domicile in Colorado River. Anna was driving to meet him on Dec. 26, but she had no programme for Christmas day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had nada to do. I suggested we stay in and booze wine and picket TV. She agreed.

I knew the gift I got her was important. I mean, just getting her a present was not enough. I needed a statement. There's a difference between a friend natural endowment and a lover talent. I wanted to get her a buff gift. I wanted a jazz message to be sent in big, bold face, capital, thank-the-baby-Jesus letters. No doubt. No confusion.

I got her a pair of baseball diamond earrings. It was the sort of thing she'd never get herself. I wrote a speech, too. I had facts on how foresighted it takes a diamond to be formed, and how caution and precision and circumstances had to be exactly right for it to happen. It was a miracle, really. And just as miraculous, I segued, was how much she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for most of my life, and I wanted to show her how special she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my pocket, in subject I stumbled. It was my moment. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in case, you know, I got a safety gift : quick socks.

So on Xmas day, we were finished with bottle two. She got that happy-kid grin on her human face and said she had gotten me a present. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was giddy. I grabbed her two gifts and put them behind my back, under the cushion, almost certain I would render her the buff giving, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in case, I put the windsock back there, too.

5 arcminute later, she came back to the living elbow room, tears streaking down her face. Clive had hidden a little wrapped box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a pair of lovely diamond earrings. She glided around the elbow room, calling him on her cell to recount him how a great deal she loved them. I swallowed my natural language. shag CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 gift carte to GameStop. I gave her the drogue. I had lost the fight, the conflict and the war.

***

I had very specific plans for New Year's Eve : I was going to drink heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the liquor store and bought a fifth of vodka. As I was about to suss out out, I looked at the 70-proof bottle of tacky hootch and though,"Hmm, is this enough ?"I bought two. And I don't even drink vodka.

I really wanted to total darkness out before Ryan Seacrest showed his shtup tanned boldness on the screenland. Robert Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. blond hair. highlighting. Short. perfective smile. Extremely nice and civilised and entrance and funny. He had always been odoriferous to me. A real valet de chambre, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a large glass of liquidness poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing alcohol. Still, I had a destructive run that was pointing right at my liver and stomach. I tried to ignore the smell and took a big gulp.

My oesophagus was still burning when my cadre rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"Hello ?"

"Is this a bad time ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her voice cracked. I could tell she was choking back rip."I, uh. Are you home ? Are you out ?"

"I'm home. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … piece me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Baron Clive of Plassey he, uh … we had a conflict. You know ? I just need to get plate and I left my debit calling card at home and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. Look, it's cool. Where are you ? I will leave now."

***

Anna did not talk much on the way nursing home, just a few thank yous. By the metre we got back to the apartment, it was a little after 10. She looked stunning, even with her physical composition running down her impudence. Her smashed green dress hugged her curve ball. I felt underdressed, what with my dungaree and a t-shirt.

She went back to her way, only to reemerge a little before 12. Her hair was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a tight T. I wanted to buss her. It was the getup she wore the irregular Nox we were together.

She sat down beside me on the couch. She had a wine-colored glass in her helping hand and motioned toward my feeding bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her glass up and sank back, her feet curled under her. Her eyes were red, but she was no yearner crying.

"Do you want to speak ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a fucking idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"outset my hubby, now Baron Clive. I must throw a peculiar draw to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in CO over the weekend … but his wife. She called when he was in the bathroom, and I picked up his electric cell. She was as surprised to get out about me as I was to find out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the nerve to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the ball club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her potable, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the matter is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lying snake. I sensed it. I tried to block it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something dissembler. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. variety of stared. Then a snort. Then a full laugh. I started laughing, too. She spilt a little of her drink on herself and laughed to a greater extent. We were both doubled over.

"God,"she said, wiping the binge away."You are decent. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an cretin. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. take care, you WANT to have a go at it someone. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad things. There are bad qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on hope and fate and all that other fairy tale stuff. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be happy and to want the best in others. We live in a cynical universe. We need more ‘ you,'to a lesser extent ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her head on my shoulder."You are a commodity supporter,"she said. My heart sank. I was such a sucker. It was five till midnight.

We watched Time Square on TV in silence, Anna taking the casual sip from her vino glass. Her head stayed on my shoulder. We watched the countdown, the happy faces scream and yelling. When the clock ticked one sec, Anna turned and gently grabbed my headway, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but zip was like this. It was sweet and pacify and packed with meaning. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her hand caressing my cheek. She put down her wine methamphetamine and started to proceed, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the room."No. No."

"What's damage ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? snog you ? I thought you liked that ? We're friends. It's OK …"

"FUCK Anna. We are NOT friends. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to know I love you, right ? I mean, you are a bright little girl. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're acquaintance. I can't claim it."

snag were in her eyes again. I couldn't aspect at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want someone to love you and regale you right and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her script through her whisker and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not corroborate a gaze. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you love me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"nookie, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't start now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would get no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the couch. I folded my script across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to lose me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my lifespan, but I can't sit back and vigil you date guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your problems. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can give you what you want. And I can't sit back and watch this parade of losers. I can't be your safety net."

"I know."

I covered my optic with my handwriting, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nose in eighth tier. I brushed the fuzz back, off my forehead. It felt profound in the room.

"I am sorry to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my hand again. She pulled it to her thorax, against her eye. I turned to look at her."candy kiss me,"she said."Kiss me. Let's figure the sleep out later. I promise. I want this. delight ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a fixer. She hated botheration in people. I wasn't sure as shooting if this was real or her way of healing a wounding. But I was weakly. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex deal, but I am not surely I had ever made dearest to someone. I had never connected with soul on a primal story. But I did with Anna that night. It was gentle and raw and excited. On my lounge. As Ryan Seacrest spoke in the background.

I stripped her dress off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my rooster as I wrapped her branch around me. I eased into her, slipping my arms around her shank so I could tear her tight against me. It was the first time I had been completely inside of her. I tried to prepare the mo last.

Our bodies responded to each former. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her lips never left mine. I could smack the table salt from her tears on her rim. Her glossa was aggressive but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my spinal column and kissed me severely. She said my public figure and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said interior of her. She said she was on the anovulant. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my head back so I could see her oculus. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A smiling of acknowledgment. I kissed her as I came, my cock exploding into the abyss of happiness and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my couch, wrapped in a mantle. Her wooden leg wrapped around mine, her head on my chest and her fingerbreadth playfully running through my hair.

"I think this modification everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able to look at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few secondment later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my nous raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .