Anna was going to rest with me for a calendar month, but that calendar month turned into two. Then three. Now the new year was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not handle, of course, as I was madly in erotic love with her, but the doubt had consumed me. Was she a roomie ? Friend ? lover ? More ?

The time to let"the talk"was that maiden hebdomad, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few more meter, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the detail of our kinship. Anna did not seem to beware - she clearly did not want it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the windowpane closed. She met Clive at a swop meet in other November. They went on a date. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no recollective sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come home a few nighttime a calendar week. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say matter like,"God, you're such a bang-up guy. You deserve to meet someone."It killed me. I DID merit it, she was powerful. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Clive. Fucking Clive.

By December she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her hubby and finding her own office in the new twelvemonth. She was very clear that she felt like she was a incumbrance to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as light that I didn't tending. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a shot at Christmas. Clive was going to his parent's domicile in Colorado. Anna was driving to assemble him on Dec. 26, but she had no plan for Yule day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had nothing to do. I suggested we stay in and drink wine and picket TV. She agreed.

I knew the gift I got her was important. I mean, just getting her a present was not enough. I needed a statement. There's a difference between a friend gift and a lover gift. I wanted to get her a buff gift. I wanted a fucking message to be sent in big, boldface, capital, thank-the-baby-Jesus letter. No question. No confusion.

I got her a pair of diamond earrings. It was the variety of affair she'd never get herself. I wrote a address, too. I had facts on how foresightful it takes a diamond to be formed, and how caution and precision and lot had to be exactly right for it to happen. It was a miracle, really. And just as marvelous, I segued, was how much she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for nearly of my life, and I wanted to testify her how special she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my air hole, in display case I stumbled. It was my moment. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in eccentric, you know, I got a safety gift : Warm socks.

So on Christmas day, we were finished with bottle two. She got that happy-kid grin on her face and said she had gotten me a confront. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was giddy. I grabbed her two natural endowment and put them behind my back, under the cushion, almost certain I would move over her the buff gift, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in case, I put the wind cone back there, too.

Five minutes later, she came back to the living room, tears streaking down her face. Clive had hidden a little wrapped box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a pair of lovely diamond earrings. She glided around the room, calling him on her cell to differentiate him how much she loved them. I swallowed my knife. FUCKING CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 gift bill of fare to GameStop. I gave her the socks. I had lost the fight, the battle and the war.

***

I had very specific plans for New yr's Eve : I was going to drink heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the liquor storage and bought a fifth of vodka. As I was about to control out, I looked at the 70-proof feeding bottle of cheap hootch and though,"Hmm, is this enough ?"I bought two. And I don't even drink vodka.

I really wanted to black out before Ryan Seacrest showed his shag tanned face on the screen. Baron Clive of Plassey looked a bit like Seacrest. blond hairsbreadth. highlighting. short circuit. Perfect grinning. Extremely overnice and civilized and charming and queer. He had always been Henry Sweet to me. A actual gentleman, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a large methamphetamine hydrochloride of liquid poisonous substance. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing alcohol. Still, I had a destructive streak that was pointing right at my liver and stomach. I tried to ignore the smell and took a big gulp.

My esophagus was still burning when my cell rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the telephoner ID. Anna.

"hello ?"

"Is this a bad time ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her voice cracked. I could tell she was choking back split."I, uh. Are you rest home ? Are you out ?"

"I'm home. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … pick me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Baron Clive he, uh … we had a fight. You know ? I just need to get home and I left my debit card at habitation and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. Look, it's assuredness. Where are you ? I will impart now."

***

Anna did not verbalize much on the way habitation, just a few thank yous. By the fourth dimension we got back to the apartment, it was a little after 10. She looked stunning, even with her makeup running down her impertinence. Her rigorous green dress hugged her curve. I felt dress down, what with my jeans and a t-shirt.

She went back to her room, only to reemerge a short before 12. Her hair was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a tight T. I wanted to snog her. It was the turnout she wore the arcsecond night we were together.

She sat down beside me on the couch. She had a wine glass in her deal and motioned toward my bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her ice up and sank back, her feet curled under her. Her center were red, but she was no longer crying.

"Do you desire to talk ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a fuck idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"First my husband, now Clive. I must receive a limited attraction to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in Colorado over the weekend … but his wife. She called when he was in the bathroom, and I picked up his cadre. She was as storm to found out about me as I was to found out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the mettle to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her drink, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the affair is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lying snake. I sensed it. I tried to stymie it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something dissimulator. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. Sort of stared. Then a Bronx cheer. Then a wide jest. I started laughing, too. She spilt a little of her drinkable on herself and laughed more. We were both doubled over.

"God,"she said, wiping the tears away."You are aright. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an cretin. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. Look, you WANT to be intimate somebody. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad thing. There are worse qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on promise and destiny and all that early sprite tale stuff. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be happy and to want the best in others. We live in a cynical populace. We need more than ‘ you,'less ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her forefront on my shoulder."You are a undecomposed friend,"she said. My heart sank. I was such a chump. It was five till midnight.

We watched Time square toes on TV in silence, Anna taking the periodic sip from her wine looking glass. Her head stayed on my shoulder. We watched the countdown, the happy faces shrieking and yelling. When the clock ticked one moment, Anna turned and gently grabbed my foreland, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but nothing was like this. It was sweet and gentle and packed with meaning. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her hand caressing my nerve. She put down her wine glass and started to displace, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the room."No. No."

"What's damage ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? osculate you ? I thought you liked that ? We're friends. It's OK …"

"FUCK Anna. We are NOT friends. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to know I love you, right ? I mean, you are a smart fille. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're friends. I can't take it."

bout were in her eyes again. I couldn't look at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want mortal to bang you and care for you properly and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her hand through her hair and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not maintain a regard. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you love me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"Fuck, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't start now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would have no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the lounge. I folded my hands across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to miss me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my life, but I can't sit back and lookout you date guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your problems. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can give you what you want. And I can't sit back and keep an eye on this parade of failure. I can't be your safety net."

"I know."

I covered my oculus with my hand, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nozzle in eighth mark. I brushed the hair back, off my forehead. It felt heavy in the room.

"I am sorry to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my helping hand again. She pulled it to her chest, against her heart. I turned to appear at her."osculation me,"she said."Kiss me. Let's figure the rest out later. I promise. I want this. delight ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a fixer. She hated pain sensation in people. I wasn't sure if this was real or her way of healing a lesion. But I was weak. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex lots, but I am not sure I had ever made dearest to person. I had never connected with someone on a primal horizontal surface. But I did with Anna that nighttime. It was blue-blooded and raw and emotional. On my couch. As Ryan Seacrest spoke in the background.

I stripped her clothes off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my cock as I wrapped her legs around me. I eased into her, slipping my blazonry around her shank so I could perpetrate her tight against me. It was the get-go fourth dimension I had been completely inside of her. I tried to make the minute last.

Our bodies responded to each other. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her mouth never left mine. I could taste the salt from her snag on her lips. Her spit was strong-growing but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my back and kissed me firmly. She said my name and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the pill. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my fountainhead back so I could see her oculus. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A grin of realization. I kissed her as I came, my cock exploding into the abyss of felicity and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my couch, wrapped in a blanket. Her legs wrapped around mine, her head on my chest and her fingers playfully running through my hair.

"I think this variety everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able to look at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few bit later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my mind raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .