My first-class honours degree Lesbian Experience

It was late. It was raining. And dark. And cold.

The sound of the folk group wafted down the street from the Flying knight as I nibbled at something that might once accept been a cod before it was cremated and sealed in cardboard flavoured yellow concrete and stuffed in newspaper with slice of raw potato.

I opened the pub door as the north eats premier ( and only ) gay woman anti pedophile band Boris and the Pedos sang.
"String the sodomite up"
"String the buggers up"
"There's nothing as vile as a paedophile, so string the buggers up !"An interview of three cutis drumhead and an old codger who mistook it for dominoes night sat there bored out their skulls.

"All right Johnno ?"Boris the star Isaac Merrit Singer shouted as her stripe rested between numbers.

Nearly bald, five five over twenty stone, squeezed into surplus large jeans three sizes too small with a leather jacket what had probably been old when the first-class honours degree world war was on she was the sort of butch lesbian who got butch lesbians a bad name.

Mind you the way she liked fucking convicted pedos up the ass with a sledge hammer handle made me wonder whether she actually was a lesso. She had cracking freshwater bass barytone voice though, compassion she was step deaf.

"Not so bad, how's it going ?"I asked.

"Not so bad,"she said,"Any dearie ?"

"Bit of poetry ?"I suggested,"The gallows tree ?"

"Sit thee down, and eternal sleep awhile."
"And watch the lone pedophile."I started

"As swaying gently in the zephyr, he dangles from the gallows tree !"she finished, ah that's poetry.

"You can't bring food in here,"Sandra the barmaid shouted.

"Its from the kebab shop, I don't reckon it counts as food,"I moaned.

"Them fucking slit hates us,"Harley Charlie, the moped riding chief skinhead announced,"They ought to bang off back where the come from."

"Where fucking Oldham ?"his mate asked.

"Who gives a nooky, lets have a sing song, that old one,"he said drunkenly,"White person drop-off of capital of Delaware !"

"We'll eats Pedos over, the E. B. White drop of Dover, tomorrow just you wait and see."

"We'll get all them bastards and chuck the rest over after,"I suggested,"Then we'll be fucking Pedo free !"

"You got the words Johnno ?"Boris asked.

"No I just fucking made it up, Jesus fucking christ."I replied.

"Make a snap record,"Charlie said, and he stood up,"Need a SOB, get the drinks in Nobber."

"Why the shtup do I always get to get the drinks in ?"Nobber asked.

"‘ causal agency your on benefits, no one else got any cash ?"I suggested.

"Fucking surd work, welfare, having to remember to fucking limp."Nobber said, but no one gave a fuck.

"What you having Johnno ?"Sandra asked.

"Anal ?"I suggested.

"To drink not later you filthy bastard !"Sandra retorted and Boris flashed me a dim looking, she must have thought she had pulled.

"Rats piss,"I said.

"You can have one Stella ‘ drive I know what your like after a few pints eh Mr floppy disk !"Sandra laughed.

"All fucking right, it was only once."I stammered as me face went smart red,"Ever ready me."

"Fuck anything anything any fourth dimension ?"John hunt club the bookie from Matson street walked out the bog and started taunting me. Leigh Hunt the pussy as we called him.

"Long as its over 18, and has a bitch and a heartbeat,"I protested.

"Like a cow ?"he laughed.

"Technically they has a vestibule not a cunt,"I said using my superior mind gained from watching pointless fucking game shows and interchangeable crap on pointless fuck daytime TV.

"Her then,"he said pointing at Boris.

"fucking off she's a fucking Lesso."I said supportively.

"fifty dollar bill quid says you can't."He suggested.

"fifty quid each ?"Boris asked.

"Two hundred, make it five !"James Henry Leigh Hunt the puss taunted.

"Christ,"Boris said,"I could use a few quid as it happens."

"Oh for fucks sake,"Hunt sighed,"I was taking the piss."

"We heard,"Harley Charlie chuckled,"What you reckon Johnno ?"

"Yeah, why not, I'm up for it."I lied. Redeemer it would be halfway to turning fucking gay. Fucking a fat bald geezer even if it did receive a slit somewhere under the ugly slap-up folds of belly skin.

"This I just got to see !"Sandra said. What I didn't know was she texted all her first mate and said to come stave and watch.

"So what's your biz ?"Nobber asks William Holman Hunt the Cunt.

"Just like to see Lesbos sorted out,"he sniggered.

"Wants a share of the CCTV rights more like,"I sighed knowing half of Saudiafuckingrabia had seen my ass bobbing around on some porno television channel streamed from the CCTV as I gave Sandra a portion one night after curl up.

"Lads what do you take me for ?"hunt asked.

"Money grabbing bitch,"Harley Charlie said nicely.

"Yeah well making money's me hobby ennit ?"Richard Morris Hunt laughed,"Go on. I'll make it a wondrous each."

"I dunno,"I said,"What you reckon Boris ?"

"If your up for it I am."she said,"I need the cash."

"getting up for its the trouble,"I thought to me self as I tried to shut me middle and think of England, or actually that aspect in Nippon Porno Farm three where the Jap girls all strip off on the parade ground and start doing drill until the blokes start fucking them.

It was no good, me cock did a adequate personation of a French S Cargo ( escargot ).

"In the back room ?"I suggested.

"Lock the door Sandra,"hunt suggested.

"roll in the hay that me mates is coming,"Sandra explained.

"Oh fucking jesus."I thought.

"right lets do one more set of can buy me love,"Boris called as she twanged a horrible row from her authentic Chinese Scatocaster Guitar, It might have worked dependable if she had noticed it was for 120 V not 240 but reading and thinking were not exactly her strong points.

"Buy me a rhombus ring you cunt and you can log Z's with me tonight."
"stick it up me bum you cunt and I'll make it all seem right.
"cause all I want is,"“ slew of money and Money can buy me love,"
"Can buy me luh-uv,"
she wailed.

Poor old Macker Lennon must let been turning in his pit.

Actually the pub was filling nicely.

Boris was starting another set.

"Tie a shag pedo round the old oak tree
If he fucking dies its all right by me."

"Who writes this shit ?"Hunt asked.

I never admitted anything,"Its satire,"I said.

"Fucking racist,"he said shaking his head.

"Across the sea, where all the non-Christian priest are pedophiles, ''
"Celibate means the screw lot are gay."Boris warbled to what might well have been supposed to be the tune to"Danny Boy."

"Christ sake Johnno she'll be on the racist crap next do something !"Sandra hissed in me lug hole as the pub filled with her mates.

I stepped up to the mike, I got a half comely voice, well it was ok cashbox it broke, sort of stock split down the in-between more like, when me balls dropped."You all know this one,"I shouted and started singing a crapello, that means on me tod.

"The Dew on the meadow, the mist on the stream.
The river runs down to the sea."

"We gather together to greet the sunrise
and England belongs to me."

Boris's mate crashed in a few random chords on Bass Guitar which was handy because I started far too high

"So bugger the spaniards and bugger the frogs, and bugger the old EEC
The unhurt fucking Eurozone can get shove 'cause England belongs to me."

"Italians are pedopiles so are the Krauthead, the polish have all got VD
So lets get and build an atomic bomb and gasconade them to buggery."

"And ball up them to Bug, and blow them to Bug,"

"And blow them to bug er ree !"I finished as a solo and then tried to lay down a run for it.

"Bloody hell that was fucking brilliant !"this pissed up tart with DD tits and blond pilus straight out of a spray can who might have got passed for 25 on a shadow night where you couldn't see the wrinkles under her centre cooed as she pressed her titmouse against me.

Suddenly S Cargo turned to frankfurter, well more like broom hold if I'm honorable ‘ causal agent I wont see twenty again in a hurry like either.

"Ohhh you are a big boy,"she cooed as she cupped me balls through me jeans.

"Its now or never,"I thought as I pulled away from her.

"And now the primary event,"I said,"drumfish roll please Karen."

"I'm fucking Elsie you blind goofball !"the drummer replied but she started smacking blaze out of the drum skins all same.

"Go for it ?"Boris asked.

I nodded.

She pulled down her peel tight extra large jeans and the grownup roll of pink belly fat you ever did see cascaded down completely hiding what looked like a flyspeck pair of pink panties.

Me ardor was fading. ( Posh patois for me prick was shrinking, fast )

"Stick it anywhere no one will notice !"Boris hissed as I dropped my pants and pushed her against the bar.

Now any sensible fucker would take rubbered up but I didn't have time, and anyway be after A was to shoot up somewhere under a roll of flabby under her belly clit but wouldn't you know John Thomas went straight for the moist fleck. I reckon she must accept fancied the blonde tart with the DDs same as I had.

The feel of me bleak peter head on a moist twat lips is much the same whether its Brianny or Mad Donna or someone what looks like some fuckers grandad and I made the mistake of shutting me eyes.

Next fucking thing I was going for it. Fucking JT was in. Right up, that fucking flab was soft as fuck and just flowed out the way. She was truly sleep with. I was truly fucked.

"Oh god."I moaned but I never had the mother wit to stop.

"No don't that feels too nice, for screw sake Johnno !"Boris was wailing.

I started going for it, like a fucking terrier against a Hessian boot iron heel, it felt too fucking good. It was all legal injury and then the atmospheric pressure sack alarum went off in me bollocks.

"Ready or not I'm coming !"I shouted and to a bloody big cheer I shot me load.

"Fake !"somebody cried.

"He fucking didn't he slimed me !"Boris protested and she showed three of her podgy finger inside her and dragged them out glistening with spunk.

nookie applause all rung, fucking ten stone and a bit doormat and a butch les. It must experience looked uproarious, like one of them piddling male spider fucking them huge female mordant widder spiders except I hadn't been ate yet.

"Pay clip,"I said as John hunt club tried to snarf away.

"Fair do's you earned it,"he laughed and he flashed a wad of notes. I flicked through.

"And the rest,"I said without counting.

He coughed up another ton or so which brought it just over two thousand which was fair.

"You really would roll in the hay anything you fucking worm,"Sandra said.

"Fucking pot calling the piece of ass kettledrum,"I said,"At to the lowest degree I get a luxurious not a one-half of lager and a few chips."

"Too shay,"she said,"Anyway its rubbers for you now, you don't know where that's been."

"Fucking morning after pill, is the late nighttime apothecary still spread out ?"I asked.

"I crumbled two in her vodka and orange,"Sandra said,"Someone has to look after you."

"I know,"I said,"I am grateful."

"Elsie says if I have IVF and have triplets we can get a 3 bedroom council household straight away,"Sandra said all free like.

"Not that fucking grateful,"I said as Boris decided not to bother trying to force her belly back in her jeans but to cling the spare mike up her cunt instead as she launched in to song.

"He's got a Pedo's nut in his hand,
He's got his cock and bollocks in his script,"and as she sang,
'' He's got a Pedo's bollocks in his bridge player, '' again the the audience joined in with.
"And he'll rip the fuckers off !"

"There ain't no elbow room for Pedo's in this Land,"they continued.

I'd had enough, I felt vomit up, that was pretty low fucking a ugly dike Les for money, Ok better than sweeping roadstead or collecting tax or walking the streets like a plod but pretty bloody low.

I opened the door. There were half a XII uniforms sheltering in the porch.

"Oh its you Allthwaite,"the police force Sergeant said knowingly,"Off menage ?"

"Nah off down the Mosk for Fri Prayers."I corrected him.

"Its Tuesday,"the Sergeant corrected,"This Gentlemen is your factual Black Muslim Gay tribade transsexual member of every bloody minority the rest home part has ever heard of and plenty Thomas More beside, arrest him at your peril."

My reputation had preceded me"Box ticking,"I agreed.

"Just fuck off."He said.

So I did, and they arrested some bloke who came out his gaff in his nightshirt to complain about the row.

Its a funny old world.

And that was me kickoff Lesbian experience .