Anna was going to stay with me for a month, but that calendar month turned into two. Then three. Now the new year was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not care, of course of instruction, as I was madly in lovemaking with her, but the doubt had consumed me. Was she a roomy ? ally ? Lover ? More ?

The clip to have got"the lecture"was that first calendar week, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few more times, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the details of our relationship. Anna did not seem to bear in mind - she clearly did not want it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the window closed. She met Clive at a swap sports meeting in early November. They went on a particular date. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no yearner sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come home a few dark a week. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say things like,"God, you're such a large guy. You deserve to cope with someone."It killed me. I DID deserve it, she was right. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Baron Clive of Plassey. Fucking Clive.

By December she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her hubby and finding her own station in the new year. She was very absolved that she felt like she was a essence to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as authorise that I didn't care. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a shot at Christmastide. Baron Clive of Plassey was going to his parent's home in Colorado. Anna was driving to meet him on Dec. 26, but she had no programme for Noel day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had nothing to do. I suggested we stay in and drink in wine and watch out TV. She agreed.

I knew the talent I got her was important. I mean, just getting her a present was not enough. I needed a program line. There's a difference between a friend giving and a devotee gift. I wanted to get her a lover endowment. I wanted a have it away message to be sent in big, bold, Washington, thank-the-baby-Jesus letters. No doubt. No confusion.

I got her a pair of diamond earrings. It was the kind of thing she'd never get herself. I wrote a speech, too. I had facts on how long it takes a diamond to be formed, and how care and precision and luck had to be exactly right for it to happen. It was a miracle, really. And just as miraculous, I segued, was how practically she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for well-nigh of my life, and I wanted to show her how limited she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my pocket, in character I stumbled. It was my moment. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in sheath, you know, I got a safety talent : fond socks.

So on Christmastime day, we were finished with bottle two. She got that happy-kid grin on her side and said she had gotten me a demonstrate. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her elbow room. She was silly. I grabbed her two talent and put them behind my back, under the cushion, almost certain I would sacrifice her the devotee gift, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in slip, I put the drogue back there, too.

pentad moment later, she came back to the keep elbow room, tears streaking down her face. Robert Clive had hidden a fiddling wrapped box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a twain of lovely diamond earrings. She glided around the room, calling him on her prison cell to tell apart him how very much she loved them. I swallowed my tongue. piece of tail CLIVE.

I opened my natural endowment : A $ 40 endowment card to GameStop. I gave her the socks. I had lost the fight, the battle and the war.

***

I had very specific architectural plan for New Year's Eve : I was going to drink in heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the liquor entrepot and bought a twenty percent of vodka. As I was about to check out, I looked at the 70-proof bottle of tinny hooch and though,"Hmm, is this enough ?"I bought two. And I don't even drink vodka.

I really wanted to black out before Ryan Seacrest showed his fucking tanned face on the blind. Baron Clive of Plassey looked a bit like Seacrest. Blonde hair's-breadth. Highlights. Short. perfect tense smile. Extremely decent and polite and charming and funny. He had always been sweet to me. A real gentleman, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a magnanimous ice of liquid poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing alcohol. Still, I had a destructive stripe that was pointing right at my liver and stomach. I tried to ignore the feeling and took a big gulp.

My esophagus was still burning when my mobile phone rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"Hello ?"

"Is this a bad meter ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her voice cracked. I could tell she was choking back tears."I, uh. Are you nursing home ? Are you out ?"

"I'm nursing home. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … nibble me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Clive he, uh … we had a fight. You know ? I just need to get habitation and I left my debit card at dwelling house and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. Look, it's cool. Where are you ? I will leave now."

***

Anna did not talk much on the way home, just a few thank yous. By the clip we got back to the apartment, it was a piffling after 10. She looked stunning, even with her makeup running down her face. Her miserly cat valium apparel hugged her bender. I felt underdressed, what with my jean and a t-shirt.

She went back to her room, only to reemerge a piffling before 12. Her whisker was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a tight T. I wanted to snog her. It was the turnout she wore the second night we were together.

She sat down beside me on the lounge. She had a wine shabu in her hired man and motioned toward my bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her chicken feed up and sank back, her infantry curled under her. Her eyes were red, but she was no longer crying.

"Do you want to blab out ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a fucking idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"First my hubby, now Clive. I must have a special attractive feature to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in CO over the weekend … but his wife. She called when he was in the john, and I picked up his cell. She was as storm to found out about me as I was to found out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the boldness to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the club. No money. No drive. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her drink, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the thing is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lying snake. I sensed it. I tried to halt it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something phony. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. Sort of stared. Then a snort. Then a full laugh. I started laughing, too. She spilt a little of her drinkable on herself and laughed more. We were both doubled over.

"God,"she said, wiping the tears away."You are properly. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an changeling. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. Look, you WANT to screw someone. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad things. There are worse qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on hope and destiny and all that early sprite fib stuff. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be well-chosen and to want the best in others. We live in a misanthropic world. We need More ‘ you,'less ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her head on my berm."You are a trade good protagonist,"she said. My spunk sank. I was such a sucker. It was five boulder clay midnight.

We watched Time Square on TV in silence, Anna taking the periodic sip from her vino crank. Her head stayed on my articulatio humeri. We watched the countdown, the happy faces screaming and shouting. When the clock ticked one bit, Anna turned and gently grabbed my top dog, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but nothing was like this. It was perfumed and soft and take with meaning. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her hand caressing my brass. She put down her wine-colored glass and started to locomote, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the room."No. No."

"What's unseasonable ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? buss you ? I thought you liked that ? We're friends. It's OK …"

"roll in the hay Anna. We are NOT ally. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to know I love you, right ? I mean, you are a wise lady friend. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're booster. I can't contract it."

Tears were in her heart again. I couldn't look at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want someone to have it off you and handle you right and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her mitt through her haircloth and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not substantiate a gaze. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you love me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"Fuck, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't start now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would let no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the couch. I folded my hands across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to lose me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my spirit, but I can't sit back and picket you date guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your problems. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can give you what you want. And I can't sit back and learn this parade of losers. I can't be your safe net."

"I know."

I covered my eye with my helping hand, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nozzle in 8th class. I brushed the hairsbreadth back, off my forehead. It felt heavy in the room.

"I am sorry to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my handwriting again. She pulled it to her bureau, against her ticker. I turned to look at her."Kiss me,"she said."Kiss me. Let's figure the eternal rest out later. I promise. I want this. Please ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a synthetic heroin. She hated pain in people. I wasn't sure as shooting if this was real or her way of healing a wound. But I was feeble. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex lots, but I am not sure I had ever made love to someone. I had never connected with someone on a fundamental level. But I did with Anna that night. It was gentle and raw and emotional. On my couch. As Ryan Seacrest spoke in the background.

I stripped her clothes off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my shaft as I wrapped her legs around me. I eased into her, slipping my arms around her waist so I could pull her tight against me. It was the first meter I had been completely inside of her. I tried to realize the import last.

Our body responded to each early. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her lips never left mine. I could sample the saltiness from her tears on her lips. Her knife was belligerent but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my back and kissed me hard. She said my name and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the anovulatory drug. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my straits back so I could see her center. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A grin of identification. I kissed her as I came, my tool exploding into the abyss of happiness and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my sofa, wrapped in a mantle. Her wooden leg wrapped around mine, her oral sex on my pectus and her finger's breadth playfully running through my hair.

"I think this modification everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able to look at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few seconds later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my idea raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .